May 28th, 2013

Scary Books

Movie Review: Dark Relic (2010)

This TV movie is set in 1099 and sees Sir Gregory (James Frain of ‘The Cape’ and ‘The Tudors’) find a relic. The item of veneration is a part of the True Cross and so he and his fellow knights’ head home on a ship with it. The ship gets wrecked.

There is weird goings on, religious debate, fights, the relic draws evil, Sir Gregory looks rough and hooks up with a serf girl. As a nobleman would do in 1099. This had promise at the beginning but turned dumb. It has bad make up, a stupid cgi demon and could have been better. Almost everyone dies, this was not adorbs.

Best Lines:
“My lands and property are being plundered by the thieving bastards I left to look after them.”

“Is your loss of faith the reason you dress like a filthy pig?”

“You will bleed, whore!”
Scary Books

Retro Review: The Last Train (1999) 1x01

This six part ITV drama (also known as ‘Cruel Earth’ in some markets) was a big deal in 1999, allegedly. People head to Sheffield on a train. Only the really annoying Harriet Ambrose knows that Earth is about to be hit by an asteroid and she has a handy canister of cryogenic material in her backpack. As you do.

Also on board is a thief, a cop, a woman and her kids, an old biddy, a pregnant woman and other assorted annoying types. The train crashes in a tunnel and the cyro goop freezes everyone. They’re stuck in the tunnel for an unknown amount of time until the cyro goop just wears off - how? Why?

They climb out of the tunnel and yell a lot.  They overlook the massive overgrowth, the bath in the bushes, the wrecked cars and ruined city. Harriet Ambrose won’t share much info and the idiots won’t listen to her tale of asteroid SD426 anyway. She spells it out: a rock 12 miles in diameter has struck the Earth and they slept through the apocalypse and societal collapse.

The morons will not listen, what do they think happened? Harriet blathers about an Ark where people were also cyro-frozen to survive the top secret impact. The morons ignore her and stomp around ignoring the wall of missing posters, ruined houses and the dog pack. Some morons die, sexual slurs are hurled around, the thief finds a van with his best friend and girlfriend’s skeletons inside. They killed themselves. He gets over it. Acid rain rains down and the thief decides to take off in the van which is still working cue screaming. There is so much screaming and stupidity that the gang overlook a nearby grave that has a handmade plaque that says 2012. I don’t think I’ll bother with 1x02 - 1x06 - this was really awful.

Best Lines:
“This water has a very high heavy metals content. Safer to drink from a toilet bowl than this.”

“This rock hits Zambia and half of Sheffield falls over?”
“An asteroid the size of a football could hit your house and make a crater that swallows your whole street plus a few adjacent ones.”

“Sleep it out until the planet’s fit for habitation again.”

“Frozen in a train carriage while an asteroid from Mars blows up the planet.”

Trailers, Quotes and a 2003 Tape Tale

‘The Returned’ trailer
This French zombie drama looks like ‘Babylon Fields’. The past is not dead. I’ll try it.

‘Jake 2.0’ promo
This retro promo reminds me of what a great show this was. Jake Foley went from nerd to secret agent via the ultimate human upgrade.

So what will ‘Avengers 2’ be like? Will the coldly professional Hawkeye and his cool collapsible recurve bow be in it? I hope so. I mean the stoic archer almost single almost brought down the helicarrier by himself. Will he and the equally cold and ruthless Black Widow hook up? Plus will it explain how all the Avengers got to Stark Tower to pose in front of Loki at the end of the movie and how Loki didn’t notice them?

On ‘Arrow’, Tommy died honourably with his moral compass still intact. Take note Oliver.

Honey yogurt = nice.
Mint chocolate = yum.
Lime chocolate = nice.

‘The Avengers’ Quotes:
“The Cube is a doorway to the other end of space, right? Doors open from both sides.”

“What did it show you Agent Barton?”
“My next target.”

“You could smell crazy on him.”

“We need a plan of attack.”
“I have a plan. Attack.”

“There’s only one God, ma’am. And I’m pretty sure he doesn’t dress like that.”

“This all seems horrible.”

‘Ugly Betty’ Quotes:
“Did she have friends?”
“Not really.”

‘The Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes!’ Quote:
We need to be ready for anything. Okay, I wasn’t ready for that.”

The Simpsons’ Quote:
“Let’s enjoy the granola bars that city fellow gave us in exchange for letting him go."

‘The Caretaker of Lorne Field’ Quotes:
“That contract is the most sacred piece of paper on the planet. Don’t you dare desecrate it!”

“Sheriff Ed Harrison believed in what I did.”
“Yeah, well, last I heard Ed’s sitting in a senior care home right now having his diapers changed a dozen times a day without a clue what planet he’s on, so excuse me if I don’t put much stock in what he has to think.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’, drooling idiot Ste is still whining about Brendan being the love of his life. Will’s frame up of Leanne falters as Leanne realises what a psycho he is. Sinead abandons her newborn baby and moves in with Ste less than 24 hours after the birth. WTF is going on in Chester?

Cleared out a tape from 2003. It began with the 100th episode of ‘Charmed’ which was naturally called ‘Charmed Centennial’. The tracking was way off. Cole angsts and spell casts. Paige winds up in an alternate reality. Piper is a nutter in black leather and Phoebe is a slut with big hair and a dress out of ‘Dynasty’. Cole screams about how Phoebe won’t love him. Phoebe is a selfish trash monster. Cole is vanquished (but not really as the comics showed us). This annoyed.

Then came a season 3 ‘Cleopatra 2525’ ep ‘In Your Boots’ as Creegan (who wears clown makeup) and Hel (who wears a bad wig and booty shorts) switch bodies. Cue people running around and stuff blowing up. In retrospect this show was really stupid.

Then came a season 4 ‘Angel’ ep ‘Inside Out’ in which Angel and co finally realise that Cordelia is evil. Cordelia swans around in an ugly maternity dress. Connor protects her as he has the intellectual comprehension of a rock with concussion. Wesley moans about Lilah’s death. Who cares? Skip the demon returns and he is evil and a bad actor. Connor and Cordelia kill a girl. Skip reveals that everything that happened in the last few years was planned. Cordelia gives birth to Jasmine (Gina Torres aka Hel from ‘Cleopatra 2525’.) This was silly and where did Gwen go?

Best Lines:
“We woke it up.”

“Or what? You’ll bleed on me some more?”

“The monkey’s thinking again.”

Then finally there was another ‘Cleopatra 2525’ ep ‘The Soldier Who Fell From Grace’ in which everything is very neon, slag clothes are worn and there is really bad dubbing. Where does all the light come from underground? Jerks try to take over the team. Cleopatra’s robot dog is in peril. Cleopatra whines and simpers. The tracking was off, this sucked and I just did not care.
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Review: Plague Nation

Plague Nation by Dana Fredsti
The sequel to ‘Plague Town’ sees Ashley Parker and her gang survive the zombie outbreak in Redwood Grove more or less. But what seemed to be an isolated event is turning into a pandemic. Now Ashley and co head to San Francisco unaware of the dark secrets behind the zombie threat. This is good if slightly too overloaded with zingy pop culture references.

Best Lines:
“I’m sure there was a poignant metaphor somewhere in that, but I didn’t feel like making the effort.”
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