May 23rd, 2013

Scary Books

Movie Review: The Other Guys

The Other Guys (2010)
Two hotshot cops (Samuel L. Jackson and Dwayne Johnson) who live like they are in a Michael Bay movie 24/7 die and now two loser cops Alan (Will Ferrell) and Terry (Mark Wahlberg of ‘Fear’) are determined to be the new hotshots. Cue sexism, a thieving investment banker (Steve Coogan), cringe comedy and Alan’s emotional abuse of his wife being played for laughs. The revelation that Alan is in fact a borderline psycho who was a pimp in college isn’t that big a surprise. But it is played for comedy as TPTB think sexism is funny.

This has an Australian heavy, sexist controlling men, bad green screen, shouting, narration by Ice-T, a bizarre plot, appearances by Damon Wayans, Jr of ‘Happy Endings’, an old looking Michael Keaton and Anne Heche of 'Another World'. This was incoherent, sexist and unfunny.

Best Lines:
“Do you think this arrest was worth 12 million in property damage?”

“That little short bitch from ’Jersey Shore’.”

“I’m doing that just to put a kid through NYU so he can explore his bisexuality and become a DJ.”

“I’m a peacock! You gotta let me fly!”

“Alan came into the ER with Poison Ivy on his rectum.”
“And needless to say, I fell for him immediately.”

“A bunch of old homeless dudes had an orgy in the car.”

“This isn’t Miami Vice.”

“Please go and you too creepy guy standing in the door.”

“Mommy likey.”
Scary Books

Trailers and a 1998 Tape Tale

‘Sleepy Hollow’ trailer: legends

‘Sleepy Hollow’ trailer: reborn
No Depp! Yay!

Best Lines:
“George Washington.”
“Do you know him?”

‘The Americans’ promo
1980s set cold war drama that looks inspired by ‘Salt’. I am there.

I am reading ‘Graveyard Child’.

So on ‘Arrow’, Oliver’s on/off/on best friend/brother died in his arms. Season 2 had better show that it was an incredibly powerful life changing moment and not just rubble trouble.

There is a movie called ‘Sharknado’ starring Tara Reid, this I have to see.

SanPellegrino sparkling lemon = nice.
SanPellegrino sparkling orange = yum.
SanPellegrino sparking grapefruit = good.

‘Shaun of the Dead’ Quotes:
“I admit he can be pretty funny on occasion. Like that time we stayed up all night drinking apple schnapps and playing Tekken 2.”
“Yeah, when was that?”
“That was five years ago. When’s he going home?”

Cleared out a 1998 tape. It opened with a season 2 ‘Due South’ ep ‘North’ in which Ray and Fraser have walked off gunshots, betrayal and that whole Victoria incident that they would never speak of again. They’re going camping but the plane crashes and they are stranded. The Vecchio/Fraser friendship is clear and sweet as they cope with nature and a murderous escaped con. However John Barrowman’s flashback wig on ‘Desperate Housewives’ was hilarious, this wasn’t. Bad choices in season 3 forever ruined my one time love for this show.

Best Lines:
“We’re lost.”
“No, we’re not. We just don’t know where we are.”

Then came a season 3 ‘Babylon 5’ ep ‘Matters of Honor’ in which Kosh lumbers around in his shower curtains costume, Ranger Marcus (Jason Carter) debuts, Morden lurks and Londo blathers about manifest destiny and is thankless. Delenn lies and gasps. People yap. A Ranger training camp is in peril. The White Star debuts. Why does Sheridan get to captain the White Star and command the Rangers? Exposition is dumped. Morden is in with Earth Alliance and the Psi Corps. This was dull.

Then came a ‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’ ep ‘Waltz’ in which Dukat is being taken to his war crimes trial when a ship crashes on a planet stranding Dukat and Sisko together. This was murky, talky and I didn’t care. Then came another ‘Deep Space Nine’ ep ‘Who Mourns for Morn?’ in which barfly Morn has died and leaves his mysterious fortune to Quark. Various con artists run around trying to get said fortune from Quark but he doesn’t have it plus Morn is not dead. This was not funny plus a guy from the season 1 ep ‘Dax’ showed up playing a different character.

Elementary 1x23 + Revenge 2x21 Reviewed

The Woman
Holmes slobbers over Irene and flashbacks show how they met cute in London. Somehow her really fluffy hair and lecture on ochre enabled him to overlook her really bad US accent and felonious theft. Watson bores. Irene claims a Mr Stapleton abducted her and brainwashed her. I am waiting for this show to do ‘Hound of the Baskervilles’.

Gregson, the only cop in NY, shows up to worry. Holmes’ consulting detective skills seem to have fallen off or something as he hangs around the squinty eyed Irene. When and why did Irene send Holmes all those letters that he had with him in rehab? Why did Holmes not see that Irene’s ’murder’ was obviously a setup and that she is faking PTSD and badly faking it to boot?

Holmes is willing to abandon Watson and run off with Irene. I think ’Due South’ did this exact same plot in the ’Victoria’s Secret’ two parter in the 90s. But then a missing birthmark makes him start screaming like a lunatic and Irene stomps off leaving Holmes to clench his jaw. Cue a murderous CIA agent and an accent switch and a gender flipped villain. This was good.

Best Lines:
“I know a relapse trigger when I see one.”

“We came looking for the wrong brother.”

”If he weren’t so hell bent on being your enemy, he’d be your friend. When you realise the mistake you’ve made, don’t try and find me.”

Truth part 1
Regina is a crazy stalker, Aiden better run, Conrad plots and baby Carl is at his grandmother’s. Which grandmother? Jack’s mother who ran off? Or Amanda’s real mother or Emily’s crazy mama?

The Initiative’s big plan is revealed as a bombing of Grayson Global. That’s it? That’s what all the fuss about Carrion and Fa1c0n were about? Jack dumbly trusts Victoria, Patrick still hasn’t show up and Declan is useless. Daniel is eager to frame Aiden and Kenny Ryan is still AWOL.

Emily cries over her dead revenge mentor who she really didn’t know at all. Victoria plots wildly to the extent that she pulls a pregnancy test out of a garbage bin with her bare hands. Charlotte turns her back on Declan because she is dumb. There are convenient mobile phone outages.

Charlotte walks around in prostitute shows. WTF is the point of her or Declan or Aiden? Emily still hasn’t vanquished her arch-nemesis and I honestly see no point in season 3. A text message and a bombing show that Emily isn’t as smart as she thinks she is. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“I’ve been through this before. I’m not going to sit back and watch the Initative turn you into their next David Clarke.”

“Just that it’s going to be a while before Carrion likes daddy more than he likes mommy.”

“The computer he seeks is currently deteriorating somewhere on the ocean floor.”

“He made it very clear that only one of us was going to get out of that room alive.”

“That you’ve understood your rightful place in this family, in that you don’t have one.”

“There’s got to be a mistake.”
“Oh there is and I am done looking at it.”
Scary Books

Book Reviews: On Basilisk Station + The Honor of the Queen + The 5th Wave

Honor Harrington: On Basilisk Station by David Weber
From 1993, this space soap started so promisingly but was followed by endless sequels and spin-offs so crammed with techno babble and padding that franchise fatigue set in.

This saga is massively indebted to ‘Hornblower’ and not in a good way. The Manticore Navy is menaced by the People’s Republic of Haven (aka evil welfare loving Frenchies) in a time centuries after interstellar colony ships departed Old Earth. Honor Harington is to captain HMS Fearless and her six legged Treecat comes along for the ride.

Cue techno babble, exposition dumps, snotty fellow officers, ridiculous politics and space battles all depicted in overwritten fashion. This was just bad.

Best Lines:
“My, isn’t she, um, healthy looking!”

“Case Zulu had one meaning, and one only: ‘Invasion Imminent’.”

Honor Harrington: The Honor of the Queen by David Weber
The 2nd in the unending series sees Honor sent to the planet Grayson to recruit it as an ally against the war mongering People’s Republic of Haven. Grayson and its sister planet Masada are run by Taliban style governments, cue Weber’s clumsy take on gender politics. This was worse than book 1.

The 5th Wave by Rick Yancey
Cassie is alone struggling to survive in a post-apoc world. Once upon a time she had a family and friends but then the aliens came. They obliterated humanity and now a desperate Cassie wants only to survive and locate her lost brother. She cannot trust any other survivor and then she meets one. This is very good, a dark tale of an unstoppable genocidal alien invasion. Far superior to worthless books like ‘Survive’ or ‘Heart-Shaped Bruise’. However the homages to ‘1984’ and ‘Full Metal Jacket’ are unsubtle and why do disembodied aliens need a mothership or a planet to colonise?

Best Lines:
“You can smell a town from miles away. It smells like smoke. And raw sewage. And death.”

“Dying towns were ringed by the constantly smouldering bonfires of the dead.”

“Hi there, ten-inch, wicked looking knife.”

“We’ve been watching you for six thousand years.”

“You’re beating plowshares into swords.”