May 16th, 2013

Scary Books

Book Review: How To Be A Complete Bitch

How To Be A Complete Bitch by Pamela Stephenson with Mike Lepine and Mark Leigh

This slim humorous and vulgar book was published in 1987 when Stephenson was a comedian and starred in 'Bloodbath At The House Of Death' and before she got bad cosmetic surgery and became a sex therapist. This is a hilarious ‘guide’ on how to be a bitch from birth unto death. The pop culture references have dated badly but it is still brilliantly funny.

There is advice on :
First words: “You’ll be very sorry.
How to get expelled from kindergarten.
Letters to write to ’Jim’ll Fix It’ on behalf of unloved siblings (this is uncomfortable reading now after the Saville scandal)
How to make granny cry.
The Bad-Boy Dating Agency, men even Paula Yates wouldn’t have touched,
Office politics.
Wedding sabotage (your own or someone else’s)
How to be a bad neighbour.
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Scary Books

Numb3rs Season 1 review, part 2

Prime Suspect
A girl is kidnapped at her birthday party by the clown. The father (Neil Patrick Harris of ‘Starship Troopers’) is noncooperative. The kidnapping has to do with his work on the Riemann Hypothesis. Meanwhile Alan plans to sell the house.

TPTB hint at Don/Amita again. Don and co work to foil the kidnappers. Don chews gum. Charlie buys the house as he and his dad blather about equity reminding one this was made pre crash. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Get down. On the floor.”

“There’s a wrench in the basement, I’m sure you can figure it out.”

Don wears jeans instead of his suit. Train wrecks are being caused by a nut saboteur (Keith Szarabaika of ‘The Dark Knight’, ‘Angel’ and ‘Profit’). The nut leaves mysterious notes which only Charlie and not the NTSB can solve. Charlie has no social graces and worries about Don. The nutter rants and Terry nearly makes Charlie do a spit take. This was good.

Best Lines:
“Your paper on H-infinity control of nonlinear systems blew my mind.”

“They’re like the Hells Angels of the rails or something.”

“Some government tool.”

“Shoot me and there’ll be a radioactive cloud hanging over the LA basin for a week.”

Counterfeit Reality
Bizarre hold ups, a shopping spree and murders lead to a counterfeiting ring. A Secret Service agent named Kim Hall (Sarah Wayne Callies of ‘Prison Break’ and ‘The Walking Dead’) shows up to help. She used to be FBI, used to work for Don and they used to be engaged when they lived in New Mexico. Charlie is amazed he didn’t know any of that.

The team have to find a kidnapped artist who is being forced to hand render the bills. This was very good. Don’s apartment is finally seen and there is an unbelievable amount of subtext in this ep.

Best Lines:
“I don’t need this in my life.”

“I buy rib eye and you just materialise.”
“Well actually, did you say rib eye?”
“With like a baked potato?”

“A guy drops 70 bucks in a dive bar, he’s either buying rounds for the house or he’s wasted off his ass.”

“So after two minutes and 48 seconds of profanity...”

Identity Crisis
Don went to college on a baseball scholarship and played minor league baseball but realised he was a mediocre player and joined the FBI. He won’t play on the FBI baseball team though. Don wears a backwards baseball cap and looks ridiculous. There is a murder which prompts Don to wonder if the wrong man went to jail for a previous murder. Don broods, Charlie is smug and really annoying. This was bad.

Best Lines:
“I had to call the funeral home handcuffed to a table.”

“White male, 20s, stunningly poor hygiene.”

Sniper Zero
A sniper strikes and there is panic on the streets of LA. Charlie tells everyone how to do their jobs. FBI sniper Ian Edgerton (Lou Diamond Phillips of ‘The Triangle’, ‘SGU’ and ‘Wolf Lake’) debuts. Immediately all the fans writing D/C fic began writing D/I/C fic.

Larry blathers like a mental patient, this man taught Charlie?. Ian and Charlie have issues. Terry wears glasses and talks about an ex-husband. Lots of people die. Charlie can win at poker and chess without even trying. This was very good.