May 12th, 2013

Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Under The Dome’ trailer
This looks good.

Best Line:
“Why us?”

‘After Earth’ trailer
What is with the accents? No.

White House Down’ trailer
Didn’t this movie come out already?

‘Doctor Who’ 7x13 trailer

‘The White Queen’ trailer
This BBC adaptation looks interesting.

‘Numb3rs’ Quotes:
“Another person might think our educational system has failed you completely Charlie.”

“I mean they find holes, it’s gonna go on my expense report.”

‘Doctor Who’ Quotes:
“I hate the future. It’s stupid.”

“No blowing up this planet.”

“During the ice picnic.”
“Where the snow bears came and danced for us.”

“And somebody tie me up!”

“Thanks Clara. Thanks Clara’s boyfriend.”

‘Revolution’ Quote:
“Whatever you’re doing. Please stop.”

‘Ugly Betty’ Quote:
“There is no Bad Ronald.”

‘Desperate Housewives’ Quote:
“He’s heading toward the toaster with a fork.”

‘The Young Ones’ Quotes:
“The bathroom’s free unlike the country under the Thatcherite junta.”

“That’s your filth.”

“Who do you suggest we blame?”

“Cor, an exploding front door.”

“Piss off postie.”

“Harry the bastard!”

“Shut your face saucepan tits.”

‘The Other Side Of The Story’ Quotes:
“She treats Anton and me as if we are wilfully Bohemian, instead of merely poor.”

“You could tell he prided himself on his bonhomie.”

“Gemma, they’re booing the lute players. It’s getting quite ugly.”

“We’ll get the money.”
“From where?”
“The bank.”
“Do you plan to rob one?”
“I agree with you that we’re not standard mortgage application material.”

‘Ghostbusters II’ Quote:
“I had part of a slinky. But I straightened it.”

‘Modern Family’ Quotes:
“What are you hiding?”
“Don’t lie to me!”

“Over the years we’ve kind of gone in different directions.”
“We choose forward.”

“I don’t like you.”
“I’ll get over it.”

“It looks like a Madonna video in here.”

“What the hell got into me?”
“Besides the bartender’s tongue?”

‘Blue Bloods’ Quotes:
“She’s accusing a flight of stairs.”

“There’s not a rug big enough to hide that.”

“There is a line we don’t cross and secrets we can’t keep.”

‘The Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes!’ Quotes:
“You mess with us, you not going to jail. You going to the hospital.”

“Back off the girl before we avenge you upside the head.”

RIP Ray Harryhausen.

Review of ‘The Tower’ forthcoming.

There will be no review of ‘Revolution’ 1x08 ‘Ties That Bind’

Caught a few episodes of ‘Hollyoaks’ for the Will/Texas wedding which ended with Texas being pushed out of the hotel window in super slo-mo. She lies in a puddle of her renaissance princess dress and fake eyelashes. Whodunit? Hard faced Mercedes blames Dr Paul. Dirk says it was an accident. Shortly after Texas and her huge renaissance princess dress is somehow zipped into a body bag, Dodger is arrested.

Doug hangs out with Will. Sienna is selfish. Someone moved all the wedding presents to Will’s flat. Dodger digs himself a hole. Texas’ murder is on the news under her maiden name Texas Longford, then again Texas Savage sounds like a porn star name. Nancy begs for pills. Mercedes is trash and then in hilarious fashion the killer is revealed (to the viewers only) as the most obvious suspect: Will. He killed his wife and is framing his brother. Also he is faking being paralysed. Brilliant.

Best Lines:
Dodger isn’t Silas!”

“She’s a pillhead. She chucks them back like sweets.”
Scary Books

Elementary 1x21 + Revenge 1x19 + Hannibal (2013 - 2015) 1x01 + GCB 1x10 Reviewed

A Landmark Story
Moran’s in jail so Moriarty has found himself a new sidekick. Holmes is stupid and a liar. There is a mention of Thor Bridge. Watson performs an illegal autopsy. There is death by pacemaker and AC unit and attempted murder by bees.

Holmes questions Gottlieb (F. Murray Abraham of ‘Amadeus’ and ‘Last Action Hero’), then yet another sidekick of Moriarty’s shows up and the mystery of the man himself builds. We’ll see if this show can pull off Moriarty after building him up to Keyser Soze levels of evil. There is a revelation, Moran (Vinnie Jones) shows an unexpected weakness, Gregson is stupid, someone may be dead and there is a cliffhanger. This was good.

Best Lines:
“So you think that bleach teeth killed him?”

“Poke the hive with a stick?”

“An army of bee assassins.”

“Sebastian Moran was a notorious hardman in Shoreditch.”

The swamp monster lookalike Nolan is under suspicion for Padma’s murder. Daniel is stupid. The magical hacker Fa1c0n who can’t act bores. Aiden bores. People wonder what became of Victoria’s first born son Patrick. Ashley has an agenda. The boring Charlotte who can’t act suddenly decides to hang out with Regina.

Conrad grubs in the gutter, again. The revenge mentor shows up to drone on. Flashbacks to 1973 show how Victoria threw her son into an orphanage after conning her way into a two year art school scholarship in Paris. Everyone waves around an ipad. Vanity Fair compares Daniel and Emily to John-John and Caroline, which is spectacularly tasteless when you think about it.

Jack revokes Emily’s godmother status. A live TV interview goes badly for the Graysons. Daniel asks his primary sexual outlet aka Emily to marry him. Everyone is in the Hamptons despite summer being over - why aren’t they in NY? The Graysons are contemptible. This was okay but if there is a season 3, I doubt I’ll be watching.

Best Lines:
“Is she even his type?”
“She’s a woman.”

“I’m done with Emily.”

“If you’re thinking of jumping, allow me to assist you.”

“Are you now denying that you abandoned a 6 month old boy named Patrick to enrol in a European art school?”

Will Graham (Hugh Dancy) has a gift to understand insane men. A killer is cutting up women so BSU head Jack Crawford (Laurence Fishburne) asks Will and Dr Lecter (Mads Mikkelsen) to investigate. This is a prequel to the Thomas Harris books. We know at some point Graham will realise his friend is a serial killer and said ‘friend’ will gut him with a knife and later on send another serial killer to his house to stab him in the face. Graham will end up a disfigured drunk in Florida and Lecter will run off to South America with Clarice Starling.

Will mutters about antler velvet, has visions, adopts stray dogs and didn’t make it by the FBI screening process. Jack Crawford has no indoor voice. Lecter is a shrink, an artist and a chef. He wears loud suits in his gothic office and eats a girl’s lungs. He also looks like Dan from ‘One Tree Hill’ and cannot enunciate properly.

Lecter ‘befriends’ Will by bringing him sausages which Will eats. I wonder what is in those sausages. Will tracks down the killer but Lecter has an agenda of his own and sets up a violent confrontation. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“It’s a little hammy Jack.”

“No bodies, no parts of bodies, nothing that comes out of bodies.”

“What are you doing in here?”
“I like the smell of urinal cake.”


“Feeling bad defeats the purpose of being a psychopath doesn’t it?”


“I don’t find you that interesting.”
“You will.”

The GCB’s plus Amanda, Gigi, Zack and Pastor Tudor head down to Juarez for a myriad of reasons in this disappointing final ever episode. The womenfolk are abducted by a crazy woman (Sandra Bernhard).

Zack is awful, Ripp has a big secret and the shrill harpies stumble around in the desert swigging tequila  and having hysterics. There is plot set up: Pastor Tudor kisses Amanda, Luke is dumped, Ripp confesses he has a lovechild to Carlene and Blake realises Cricket is falling for Mason who knows their big secret. The show was axed so it all comes to naught. This show was amusing camp at times but this final ep was a massive unfunny letdown.

Best Lines:
“Trust me, I’m a car salesman.”

“You don’t look like an axe murderer.”

“Sweet uninvited Amanda.”

“Gimme the worm, I need protein.”
Scary Books

Numb3rs (2005 - 2010) Season 1 Review, part 1

This mid season replacement show features Don (Rob Morrow of ‘Street Time’) and Charlie (David Krumholtz of ‘Serenity’) as brothers who solve bizarre crimes that happen in LA about once a week. It was executive produced by the brothers Ridley and Tony Scott.

This had a different look from the rest of the series. David is starting out in the FBI. Don works with Terry Lake (Sabrina Lloyd of ‘Sliders’) and Megan and fat Colby haven’t arrived yet. FBI Agent Don Epps is trying to find a crazy. He asks his idiot maths genius brother Charlie for help.

Charlie’s colleagues Larry (Peter McNicol) and Amita bores. Charlie likes Amita but TPTB drop Don/Amita hints that they would abandon after season 1. Don and Charlie’s father Alan (Judd Hirsch) looms and has a pet bird that is never seen again. Charlie won’t admit he’s wrong, Larry blathers like he is on drugs but everyone treats him like he is the messiah, Don and Charlie work together and solve the case This was okay.

Best Line:
“Shut up Dad.”

Uncertainty Principle
Charlie predicts when bank robbers will strike. Don chews gum while on stakeout. When Don and his team try to arrest the robbers, a massive gun battle erupts. Don’s obvious stunt double nearly gets blown up and then a robber steals Don’s gun and shoots him with it. Twice.

Charlie freaks out over Don nearly dying and hides in the garage. It is revealed he also hid in the garage when his mother was dying. Alan tells Terry that his sons graduated high school on the same day. Also Charlie was declared a genius at age 3 and Don was neglected by his parents as a result. The robbers plan a big robbery in a plot that ‘Elementary’ would recycle. Don and his team foil the thieves and all is well. This was good.

Best Lines:
“They came prepared for war.”

“How does somebody go from no criminal record to firing on Federal agents with an assault weapon?”

“I got a scrape during an incident.”
“Scrape? From what?”
“Well, a bullet, if you have to know.”

“Where’s the money.”
“In the bank.”

“Your brother goes into a dangerous confrontation with heavily armed felons, and you prepare him with a lecture on the movement of subatomic particles.”

“Statistically you’re dead now. Do you understand what that means? A man aimed a gun at your head and fired. The fact that you survived is an anomaly and it’s unlikely to be the outcome of a second such encounter.”

The Spanish Flu strikes in a flurry of bad acting. The CDC show up in the form of CCH Pounder. Don and Charlie try to work out who caused the outbreak and it leads to a scientist (J.K. Simmons of ‘Dark Skies’). This was okay.

Best Lines:
“How do you forgive yourself if you’re wrong?”
“You don’t. We can’t be wrong.”

“You transferred bio-hazardous materials across several state lines. I can’t begin to tell you the trouble that puts you in.”

Structural Corruption
Larry gurns. A CalSci student, Finn, kills himself and Charlie makes it all about him, blaming himself for blowing the student off. Charlie asks Don to prove it wasn’t a suicide. There is bad acting, Don is a big brother and works for big brother, Alan had a terrible date and it is revealed Finn was obsessed with a building that has wind deflection issues.

The self obsessed drama queen Charlie picks a fight with Don. Alan learns Terry and Don dated while at the FBI Academy. There are twists and this was okay.

Best Lines:
“We’re not even in class and still my students run away from me.”

“You never mentioned that you had a Fed for a brother.”

“You and the pendulum need to leave.”

“Alcohol. Lots of alcohol.”

“I sure hope you like duck.”
“Yes I do. I have two. Paddles and Mr Waddlesworth. Oh my god! Oh I don’t eat it!”
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Scary Books

Book Reviews: Circle of Fire + Vengeance + Tempting Fate

Circle of Fire by Joyce Egginton
This true crime novel is from 1996 and centres on the death of infant Kristie Fischer in a fire in 1991. The family and police scapegoat the 20 year old au pair Olivia Riner. Her Swiss-German stoicism and limited grasp of English counted against her and she was tried for murder in what was dubbed the Swiss Nanny Case.

The trial revealed a botched investigation, incompetence and how other obvious suspects were overlooked. Riner was acquitted but Egginton constructs a bizarre case to show that she had to be guilty. Egginton does not convince and it is yet more scapegoating. This is a dull, biased account.

Angel: Vengeance by Scott Ciecin and Dan Jolley
From 2002, a life coach is evil or something. So Wolfram & Hart ask Angel and his gang to look into her. This was dull and badly written with exposition dumps. It was boring, pee poor and numbingly idiotic.

Tempting Fate by Chelsea Quinn Yarbro
From 1982, this is a tale of the Comte Saint-Germain. In 1917, Saint-Germain manages to escape Russia, he finds an orphan child and makes her his ward and sets up a new life in Germany. But Germany in the aftermath of the Great War is non too welcoming to foreigners and slowly but surely the NSDAP are rising to power.

Saint-Germain helps a Russian Duchess out of poverty and befriends a landed German noblewoman who faces ruin because of her feckless brother. Looming as always is Madeleine de Montaila, Saint-Germian’s ‘great love’. This has romance, tragedy and looming disaster. This starts very slowly but improves as it goes on. It is good and a scary look at a county heading for terrible things.

Best Lines:
“We are not simply a group of discontented radicals given to street-corner oratory and beer-hall brawls.”

“He frowned distantly, remembering Ranegonda in her stark, cold keep.”

“Recluses attract too much attention to themselves.”

“She could be heard shouting for Roger and screaming insults at Ragoczy.”

“Her intentions, I think, were like a bad opera plot.”

“I have not yet seen Puccini’s last opera. I suppose I must live.”

“The only thing he’s about to attack in the condition he’s in is the chamber pot.”

“A year ago I would have flung the salad at him for being with her.”
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Armored + Star Trek Into Darkness

Armoured (2009)
A group of security guards who work for a low rent armoured car firm plan to steal their next cargo. Their theft is interrupted by a disposable vagrant. One guard changes his mind and there is yelling, shouting and gunfire.

Matt Dillon, Jean Reno, Laurence Fishbone (of ‘CSI’ and ‘Hannibal’), Amaury Nolasco (of ‘Prison Break’), Fred Ward, Milo Ventimiglia (of ‘Heroes’) and Skeet Ulrich (of ‘Scream’ and ‘Jericho’) feature in this aggressively bad film which stinked, stank and stunk.

Best Line:
Getting letters from the bank. Some real ugly letters.”

Star Trek Into Darkness (2013)
The Enterprise crew violate the Prime Directive and then chase down a one man force of nature (Benedict Cumberbatch of ‘Sherlock’). This has action, an unending climax, numerous homages, a cameo and Bones is superfluous to requirements even as he boasts about doing a c-section on a Gorn. This is good but lacks some of the magic of the 2009 original.

Scotty runs around being heroic, Spock's ears look fake, Klingons growl on Kronos which looks like a crapsack world, a volcano erupts, a tribble is a plot point, the villain fights off the Vulcan nerve pinch, there is a mid warp ambush, seatbelts and entire scenes from ‘Star Trek II’ are recreated.

Best Line:
“Ya mad bastard.”