May 6th, 2013

Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Retreat + Star Trek 1 - 10

Retreat (2011)
An estranged couple go to the remote island of Blackholme to fix things. Kate (Thandie Newton, who cannot act) has checked out of her marriage. Martin (Cillian Murphy) is fed up with her eye rolling and sneering. Then Jack (Jamie Bell) shows up claiming that an outbreak is devastating the country. He barricades them into the house for their own good.

There is bad bad acting, overdone music and arrogance engine Kate antagonises everyone. Jack is obviously loopy. Martin is a moron. Where did all the wood for the barricades come from? This was leaden and cold with all the dramatic impact of a wet sponge. There is a twist, avoid this awful movie.

Best Lines:
“Does that look like f###in asthma to you?!”

“You think someone out there is going to help us?”

“We’re already dead.”

“What have you done to us?”

“We’re never gonna leave this island.”

Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)
This dull, overlong, 70’s looking mess sees the crew take on V’Ger whilst wearing what look like dirty pyjamas. The change in Scotty’s appearance from his ’TOS’ days to this is shocking.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
A sequel to ’TOS’ ep ’Space Seed’ is over hyped. Kirk’s son David and his frizzy perm annoys. Kirk large hams. As Khan, Ricardo Montalban large hams more. This was sadly dull.

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)
Spock’s back from the dead. Saavik is recast with an 80s perm. Christopher Lloyd of ’Back To The Future’ kills David. Kirk overacts, Bones has a breakdown, Miguel Ferrer of ’Twin Peaks’ has a tiny role and everything looks 1970s. Mediocre.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)
It takes ages, but Kirk and co go back to 1986 to save the whales. This has a Klingon bird of prey crash landing in San Francisco bay, Spock nerve pinching a punk on a bus and Scotty trying to use voice activation on a computer in 1986. This was okay.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)
Kirk v god. Spock’s half brother Sybok shows up. David Warner is in here somewhere. Scotty knocks himself out on a bulkhead. Avoid.

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)
The Klingon Empire seeks peace with the UFP. Chancellor Gorkon (David Warner) is assassinated. Kirk and McCoy end up in a Klingon penal colony. Sulu has his own ship. Spock forces a mind meld and Christopher Plummer large hams it as Chang. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“I can’t believe I kissed you.”
“Must’ve been your life long ambition.”

Star Trek: Generations (1994)
Soran (Malcolm McDowell) kills Kirk. Picard meets Kirk. The Enterprise D crashes. Data swears. Avoid.

Star Trek: First Contact (1996)
Picard and co take on time travelling Borg. Alice Krige is covered in goo, Zefram Cochrane makes first contact with Vulcans and Data bores. This was okay.

Star Trek: Insurrection (1998)
This is awful. F Murray Abraham is wasted as the villain. Patrick Stewart ruined this movie by demanding that Picard become an action hero. People wear horrible white dress uniforms. Nobody cares about the Ba’ku.

Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)
This near franchise killer flopped harder than ‘Star Trek V’. Tom Hardy is the fetish outfit wearing Shinzon. Remans rebel. There is a space battle, Dina Meyer, Data dies, B4 debuts, Riker and Troi wed, Ron Perlman is wasted and Admiral Janeway has a groan inducing cameo. Once again Data and Picard take up way too much screen time. Go away!

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Doctor Who’ 7x12 promo
Have TPTB turned the Cybermen into the Borg? Oh hell no.

‘J Edgar’ (2011) clip
Hoover and Tolson (Armie Hammer of ‘Reaper’) have an argument that descends into camp hysteria and a fistfight. It is ridiculous, OTT and shows off Leonardo’s acting flaws. Stop with the Oscar bait, it isn’t happening.

Best Lines:
“You’re a scared heartless horrible little man!”

“Don’t leave me!”

‘Bones’ 8x23 promo

‘Bones’ 8x24 promo
Oh piss off Pelant.

‘Breaking Amish’ promo
This is fake right?

Best Line:
“I miss the cows.”

The 2013 ‘Star Trek’ books have (so far) been an unreadable mess: ‘The Folded World’, ‘The Weight of the Worlds’, ‘Devil’s Bargain’, ‘Allegiance in Exile’ and ‘The Body Electric’.

Kim Walker who was memorable as Heather Chandler in ‘Heathers’ died in 2001. Damn. She managed to portray evil even whilst clad in red knee length culottes.

A 4th ‘Men in Black’ movie? Oh enough, stop, no.

Saw the ‘Last Resort’ DVD cover with Kendal full of angst and a tagline declaring ‘Honor in Defiance’. I’m not sure.

Nettle Pesto = yum.
Blackberry non-dairy ice cream = Mmmmm.
Maple fudge = yum.
Vanilla Choc fudge = yummy.
Honeycomb fudge = no.

‘Criminal Minds’ Quote:
“This man is either the victim of a serial offender or he is one.”

‘Kitty and the Midnight Hour’ Quotes:
“He leaves her skin and bones to lick and suck, but she is satisfied.”

“As long as I stayed a cub, he would look after me.”

‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“Homer and that dog went together like Christmas and suicidal thoughts.”


“Those satanic snoopys.”

‘The Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes!’ Quotes:
“You promised!”
“I lied.”

“And we’re alive. There’s that.”

“Any particular reason you’re not avenging?”

“Why did they stop firing?”
“That’s never a good sign. They’re probably switching over to  bigger gun.”

“There’s nothing in your file about being a superhuman.”
“What makes you think I’m human?”

Book Reviews: Kitty Rocks The House + Blood Is The New Black

Kitty Rocks The House by Carrie Vaughn
After the extremely horrible previous book, the ‘Kitty’ saga returns to form. Kitty and Ben have returned from another of their jaunts to find Darren, a new werewolf, has arrived in town. Darren causes issues in the pack.

Meanwhile Kitty’s plans to recruit allies for the Long Game hit a snag and a revelation changes everything Kitty thought she knew about Roman. This was very good. Kitty’s constant swanning off has caused problems in the pack and in her family. Now she finally has to address them. Plus Cormac as usual screws things up and becomes even more dislikeable. I do wonder how much long Carrie Vaughn can drag this series out.

Best Lines:
“It’s very dark where she comes from.”

“This was the human den, the human place, where people sat in chairs, ate with forks.”

Blood is the New Black by Valerie Stivers
This 2007 novel is a mash-up of ‘The Devil Wears Prada’, ‘Ugly Betty’ and ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’. Self-consciously hip moocher Kate gets an intern position at ‘Tasty’ magazine. Cue wangst about Kate’s missing mommy, endless descriptions of clothes and rants about her evil boss.

There are murders, shallow people, vampires and this is not as witty as it thinks it is. Read ‘Suckers’ instead. This is dated with talk about My Space and is just plain dull.

Best Lines:
“You’re saying I look downtown?”

“Forgive me. I’m poorly socialized.”

“The difference between a fashion spread and a trailer for Saw III is becoming less and less obvious.”

“Think about it. Have you ever seen them eat? Or drink anything that’s not blood-based? Or use the toilet?”

“Note to self: Buy crucifix.”

“Dangerously unbalanced from too much dieting.”
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The Ice Cream Girls Part 3 + Doctor Who 7x11 + GCB 1x09 Reviewed

The Ice Cream Girls part 3
The final part answers the question of what in the world happened in Marcus’ house in 1995. It’s a shame Serena never bothered to ask that 17 years ago. Serena is uninteresting and the seaside resort town continues to be a hellscape for poor Poppy. Serena raises dickishness to an art form and neither she or Poppy’s doormat mother have a backbone. This is not deliciously disturbing, it’s just annoying as yet more flashbacks show just how Serena threw Poppy under the bus back in 1995.

In 1995 Poppy was called callous and controlling whilst all evidence of Marcus being a perv was ignored and Serena lied. Evan jokes when Poppy is rearrested and Poppy’s vile stepfather is vile some more. Serena still takes no responsibility and hurls wild accusations at third parties. Evan and Vee learn Serena was the second Ice Cream Girl and run away in a flurry of bad bad acting.

Serena still won’t face up to the fact Marcus was a creeper and that she ruined Poppy’s life. Marlene resurfaces. The police are unless. Serena somehow learns where Al lives and Poppy is ignored like a dead hobo in the woods. But with some violation of legal confidentiality, Serena finally learns who really killed Marcus and that Marcus was a creep to the end.

Serena’s family really are horrible and Serena gets away scot-free with lying to police and committing perjury in 1995. At least Poppy gets a sort of happy ending. But this was a dire hamfisted tale of abuse and grooming.

The Crimson Horror
Diana Rigg (of ‘Motherlove’) gurns as an evil old hag. Madame and Jenny investigate mysterious deaths. The Doctor gurns and shouts. Diana Rigg’s real life daughter Rachel Stirling (of ‘Tipping the Velvet’) cries a lot. An evil plan must be foiled.

It’s grim up north, a dude faints and this is more played for comedy than scares which is a shame. It is all very ‘Carry on Screaming’ with bad acting, loud music, a sepia toned flashback, venom, silly accents and camp. It also has a sat-nav joke, a rubbish rubber monster and is generally mediocre. This disappointed.

Best Lines:
“That’s put me right off my mash.”

“I strongly advise the issuing of scissor grenades, limbo vapour and triple blast brain splitters.”
“What for?”
“Just generally. Remember we are going to the north.”

“To find him she needs only ignore all keep out signs, go through every locked door and run towards any form of danger that presents itself.”

“Long story, I’ll keep it short.”

“Their flesh glowing.”
“Like something manky in a coal cellar.”

“Horse! You have failed in your mission! We are lost!”

“You perfidious hag.”

“I’ve got a sonic screwdriver.”
“I’ve got a chair.”

Adam and Eve’s Rib
I missed 1x08 sadly. Amanda is still dating the noxious loser Luke. Ripp and his Braise The Lord team enter the Dallas Interfaith BBQ Invitational. Amanda objects to the men only team and sets up an all female Spicey Racks team to enter too.

Carlene and co continue to bully Heather. Why does Heather hang out with these people? Sharon’s Bible based meals are a success. Carlene is still obsessing over her faith based living plan that will include: Feeding The Five Thousand All You Can Eat Buffet, River Jordan Water Park and 40 Days And 40 Nights Wilderness Adventure.

Cricket is tempted by a stud and Zack is awful to Sharon, again. Amanda, Sharon, Carlene and Heather barbeque. Heather does not want to date a butcher. Carlene decides not to sabotage for once. Zack gets in a fistfight and Ripp has a secret. This was good. Shame there is only one ep left.

Best Lines:
“Of course you can support our team, just not as one of us.”

“Blake knows his way around a sausage.”

“Smells like burnt pig.”
“That’s the smell of victory.”

“If Dolly can have her Dollywood, I can have my holywood.”

“Should there really be that much smoke?”

“You get to taste my brisket.”
“Do I have to?”

“I murdered my brisket.”