May 3rd, 2013

To Light The Way To Bed

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Elementary’ 1x21 promo
Moran’s back. I’m almost 100% sure that F. Murray Abraham is playing Moriarty.

‘Star Trek Into Darkness’ clip
WTF? Is ‘John’ a robot or is he Khan? Kirk overacts.

Best Lines:
“Shut your mouth.”

“I was authorised to end you.”

“They’re on board your ship Captain. They have been all along.”

The cover of ‘Mammoth Book of Best New Horror 24’ is cool and creepy.

‘Tomorrow When The War Began’ (movie) Quote:
“You did it in a shearing shed?”

‘Tomorrow When The War Began’ (book) Quotes:
“Mum’s idea of fun was making jam for the preserves section of the Wirrawee show, so she was hardly an authority on the subject.”

“I kept my eyes down and had another mouthful of tabbouli.”

“’Ellie and I are going bush for a few days,’ he announced. That was Homer’s way of asking permission.”

“Mrs Yannos tried to make Homer eat Brussels sprouts; they had a massive argument which ended with Homer chucking the sprouts at his mum.”

“If I’d tried that at home I’d have been chained to the tractor and used as a clod buster.”

“That was the kind of world we were used to. We never seriously thought it would change much.”

‘Bear Grylls’ Quote:

‘Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated’ Quotes:
That’s villain profiling.”

“It really was the most obvious suspect.”

‘Kitty Rocks The House’ Quotes:
“When the minister called on his own God, did he really know who he was praying to?”

“We were hidden among them. Now that lepers and Crusades are not as common as they were, we are all that remain.”

Movie Reviews: Mothertime + You Again

Mothertime (1997)
This was a BBC Christmas film and is based on the excellent novel by Gillian White. Caroline (Gina McKee) is a drunk former concert pianist, abandoned by her husband and despised by her four horrible precocious children. Her eldest child Vanessa has her siblings lock Caroline in the sauna after her latest drunken escapade which involves Caroline throwing up in the punchbowl and setting the tinsel on fire.

Vanessa (it’s the girl who was Dinah in 1995’s ‘The Langoliers’) wants the awful Caroline to change so her adored father Robin will come home. Vanessa blames her cold, vicious, bile spilling alcoholic mother for driving the noble Robin away and into the arms of the prissy Suzie (Imogen Stubbs).

What Vanessa cannot yet see is that Robin is a manipulative, condescending, patronising emotional abuser who loves to play the martyr. Vanessa’s brother is horrible. Caroline’s married lover has an idiot son named Lot who lurks outside the house and flashbacks show how Robin sabotaged Caroline’s career. Now Robin is doing the same to Suzie.

Caroline dries out, Vanessa realises the truth about her father, Lot wields a chainsaw and Suzie gets help from the most unexpected people. This was okay but Vanessa is a manipulative brat just like her father.

Best Lines:
“It’s Christmas and you’re drunk.”

“Nobody will miss her.”

“Poor poor daddy.”

“Dad’ll never come back now. He’s trapped.”

You Again (2010)
Marni (Kristen Bell of ’Veronica Mars’) is bullied at school and grows up bitter and miserable. Things are not helped by the fact that her big brother Will is to marry Joanna the head bully. Everyone loves Joanna. Marni tried to get her git brother, oblivious parents (Victor Garber & Jamie Lee Curtis) and doddery grandmother (Betty White) to see that Joanna is evil. But all she succeeds in doing is falling over a lot.

Her mother Gail had high school issues of her own with Joanna’s aunt Mona (Sigourney Weaver). The wedding planner (Kristin Chenoweth of ’GCB’) is crazy. Joanna is still a bullying jerk and the git Will wants to take the family tree house and give it to his foul wife to be (who is played by the poor man’s Megan Fox). Marni wants an apology for the bullying but Joanna will not give her one.

This isn’t funny. Dwayne Johnson has a cameo as an Air Marshal. Marni finally figures out a way to show her family what a vile person Joanna is. The resulting fallout sees everyone act as if Marni is the bad one. Will is an idiot. There is sap, Joanna fake cries and Marni’s family have no issues with Will marrying the creature who bullied his sister for years.

This has bad acting, stupid people, a Patrick Duffy cameo and at the wedding reception Marni’s grandmother reveals she had high school issues with Joanna’s crazy grandmother (it’s the crazy biddy from ‘Raising Hope’ and ‘Scavenger Hunt’). This was okay but sends out a horrible message.

Best Lines:
“I get stuck with satan’s spawn as my sister in law.”

“Low self esteem gold-digger.”

“I took a shortcut.”
“Through a wood chipper?”

“High school was a horror movie. This weekend is the sequel.”

“The meek shall not inherit the earth.”

“Put down the spray cheese.”

“Who dressed you? The great depression?”
Scary Books

Elementary 1x20 + Revenge 2x18 Reviewed

Dead Man’s Switch
Sherlock is an ass, Alfredo and his trucker hat shows up and a professional blackmailer named Charles Augustus Milverton blackmails. But Milverton had a lot of helpers and Sherlock must find them. Gregson is the only cop in NY.

Sherlock is a jerk and a jackass over his one year sobriety. There are murders and Windows 8 product placement. This was okay and had a twist but I am really tired of Sherlock and his attention seeking.

Best Lines:
“There would be consequences.”

“Someone had to go.”

Six weeks have passed. Jack is Conrad’s working class advisor. Conrad is an idiot. Daniel is an idiot. Emily has uncovered another of Victoria’s dark secrets. The frozen faced Trask does stuff. Aiden bores. Padma is dead. Nolan cracks up. I care not.

Victoria throws another lavish party. There is bad acting. Who is this Regina chick that Charlotte punches? There is blaring opera and Victoria faints into Aiden’s arms. Aiden gets up on his high horse. Jack tries to make an alliance. There is overacting, nuns and this was an overwrought bore.

Best Lines:
“I’m assuming that this was accompanied by the bouquet of black roses I found in the garbage downstairs.”

“And here I thought I knew all the skeletons in your closet by name.”
“It’s nothing Conrad.”
“Three words that never quell doubt Victoria.”

“What happened with Trask?”
“He’s at the bottom of the East River.”

“Little sisters who love their heroin.”

“Every opera needs its phantom.”
Scary Books

Book Reviews: Deadlocked + Shadows and Light + Frost Burned

Deadlocked by Charlaine Harris
The 12th in the ‘Sookie Stackhouse’ series is a return to form after the wretched ‘Dead Reckoning’. Sookie finds Eric feeding on another woman who later dies, the fairies are plotting and the powerful magical artefact that Sookie possesses will grant her one wish - if only she knew what to wish for.

This was good. Everything ties together and Sookie makes her fateful wish. It is clear the ‘Sookie Stackhouse’ novels are coming to an end and I will miss them. I can recall when they were known as the ‘Southern Vampire’ novels back in 2001.

Best Lines:
“I stomped into my room and pulled on the blue “flirty” skirt, which began well below my navel and ended about two inches below my happy place.”

“What are you doing wearing prostitute clothes?”

“There was a lot of unnecessary punching and biting.”

“The ground around your house has become soaked with blood. It will add to its magic and fertility.”

“There was going to be bleeding tonight.”

Shadows And Light by Anne Bishop
From 2002, this is book two of the ’Tir Alainn’ trilogy after the insipid ’Pillars of the World’. The witches are being slaughtered by the Inquisitors while the Fae do nothing to help. This has idiots, unsubtle metaphors, a baddie named Adolfo and endless padding. This trilogy was idiotic and dull. Anne Bishop’s other books are far superior.

Best Lines:
“The Fae sit above it all in Tir Alainn, expecting everything to go on as it has for so long without making any effort to make sure it does go on.”

“It’s one of the few books most heads of families consider suitable material for the females in their families and have consented to permit the ladies to read.”

Frost Burned by Patricia Briggs
The 7th ‘Mercy Thompson’ novel is as dire as the 6th. Mercy’s husband Adam and his entire werewolf pack are abducted. Mercy seeks out allies to find out what is going on and uncovers a bigger plot. This was dull and Adam is a thug.

Best Lines:
“They moan and scare silly people.”

“Clever coyote to survive so many attempts to kill you.”