April 30th, 2013

Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Season of The Witch + Bait

Season of the Witch (2010)

The movie declares it is The Age Of The Crusades (which one?) and after over a decade of CGI Crusading two Knights desert in 1344. The CGI battle scenes are an embarrassment to watch after ‘Kingdom of Heaven’. The Knights (Nic Cage and Ron Perlman) learn plague is rampant despite the fact the plague didn’t reach Europe until 1348.

A plague ridden Christopher Lee orders them to atone for their desertion by taking an accused witch (Claire Foy of ‘Going Postal’ and ‘White Heat’) to a remote Abbey. Cue: American accents, ‘amusing’ anachronistic dialogue, a magic book, Nic Cage’s bizarre line delivery being mocked and a comedy relief guide.

In 1344, there would have been: the Little Ice Age, scrofula, cholera, the Hundred Years War, open sores, infected wounds, typhoid and an average life expectancy of 38. Nobody looks like they have any idea what Church Latin, Norman French, Old German or Middle English are or that they are supposed to be speaking it.

There is bad acting, a lot of running around in the dark and way too much camp. This was self-aggrandising, flaccid, incompetent, insipid, tedious and reeked of mediocrity. Nic Cage rants and unleashes ludicrous mock heroics. There is cartoon like CGI, a demon, boorish characters and general attention seeking, appalling, strident, peripatetic goings on.

All in all this is yet another film centred on Nic Cage mugging incessantly and inanely for the cameras. Maybe if we pay no attention, he’ll stop doing it soon enough.

Best Lines:
“The only sin you will face this day is failure.”

“You ever get the feeling God has too many enemies?”
“Being his friend is not so easy either.”

“It is a curse called up from hell.”

“What is that smell?”
“That would be you.”

“Perhaps you would like to pelt me with fruit or kick me in the groin?”

“I know the way I just can’t see the way.”

“This is no witch.”

“We’re going to need more holy water.”

Bait (2011)
This is a horrendously bad Australian killer shark movie. A tsunami traps people including local trash (Phoebe Tonkin of ‘The Secret Circle’ and ‘Tomorrow When The War Began’), man ho Kyle (Lincoln Lewis of ‘Tomorrow When The War Began’) and armed robber/local man trash (Julian McMahon of ‘Charmed’) in a mall. Hungry sharks are also in the mall and the sharks have a low moron tolerance.

There is a bizarre love triangle fought over some anorexic man faced chick with a tacky belly button piercing, a yappy dog is in peril, various near identical men folk fight the sharks, a moron washes his open wound in filthy corpse infested water and Julian McMahon’s real accent is displayed.

I haven’t seen something this horrifically bad since ‘Purple Rain’. Why couldn’t TPTB have made a movie about a killer conger eel or something? I had an extraordinary level of disinterest in this egregious mess. All the characters had the personality of a slice of toast and this was unedifying with bad acting, sap and shouting. This was just awful.

Best Lines:
“They know we’re down here. They’re going to come for us.”
“That’s assuming there’s someone still up there to come.”

“There’s a 12 foot Great White shark in here.”

“What are you going to do if you catch it? Spark up the barbie and crack open the tartar sauce?”
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Doctor Who’ promo ‘The Crimson Horror’
Diana Rigg. It’s grim up north. This looks good.

‘Tape 407’ (2012) promo
An annoying girl films people on a plane which promptly crashes. There are weird noises and a monster. I may give this found footage movie a try.

‘The Lost Coast Tapes’ (2012) promo
Jerks go to look for Bigfoot. This has a psychic, a nut job, yelling and nostril flaring. I’m not sure.

Best Line:
“Maybe not so unpopulated.”

‘Numb3rs’ promo ‘Friendly Fire’

‘Numb3rs’ promo ‘The Fifth Man’
This ep promised way more angst than it delivered.

‘Dead Man Down’ trailer

There will be no review of ‘Revolution’ 1x07 ‘The Children’s Crusade’

‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“Our houses are the cheapest. The one next to me’s been on sale forever. I see them lowering the price every morning when I go out to pee.”

“Guess I can’t be your best friend anymore.”
“To be honest. That comes as a tremendous relief.”

“Every CD I have I bought at a car wash. Black and white films make me angry.”

“Your father took you to a Korean Gangster film festival?”

“What’s with the scarf? It’s soaked in neck sweat.”

“Join our milk circle.”

‘Deadlocked’ Quotes:
“I’d told him how I felt about bare-assed relatives.”

“In Bon Temps everybody knows who your people were and who you were connected to.”

“JB’s mind is like an open book with maybe two words per page.”

“Corpse disposal was not one of my talents.”

“No brawling! Not! Any!”

“There’s a dead girl on the front lawn.”

“I knew I wasn’t Eric’s only drinking fountain.”

“Claude has as much personality as a turnip.”

“Hunting deer in the dark with your bare hands was apparently thirsty work.”

“One look at his true face, and they’d run screaming.”

“Don’t you think the son is useless?”
“The half? Yes. At home, we’d eat him.”

“Seen from the outside, did my life truly seem so tawdry?”

“I wanted to see what he loved.”

‘Numb3rs’ Quotes:
“A few years ago Don got shot at a bank robbery that Charlie predicted.”

“You got stabbed. How can you be so calm about it?”
“Well, I mean I survived for one thing.”

“It’s usually Don who has to protect me from myself.”
“He’s been doing that for me my whole life.”

“I wanted to see the face of the man who stabbed my brother.”

“I’ll help you out. I’ll get on my knees.”

“They had a wrestling match about it on the front lawn.”

“Tell him I was a much better friend than he gave me credit for.”

Arrow 1x20 + Criminal Minds 8x14 Reviewed

Home Invasion
Deadshot just won’t stay gone. Quentin Lance is the only cop in Starling City. Tommy Merlyn annoys and a deranged assassin (J. August Richards of ‘Angel’) menaces a moppet. Roy Harper wants to find the vigilante to  become his sidekick. Laurel is menaced and I’m amazed she hasn’t been evicted considering the sheer number of violent incidents at her apartment.

Tommy Merlyn and Oliver have issues over the puffy faced/over botoxed Laurel. Oliver manages to further ruin his relationships with Tommy, Diggle and Felicity. Nobody cares about Thea hanging out with Roy. Oliver is a jerkass and does not seem to care. Oliver is a massive tool. Flashbacks to the island show how Yao Fei screwed everyone over, again. This was terrible.

Best Lines:
“There was probably a better time to tell you that.”
“Probably not.”

“Always her. Everybody else be damned.”

“Death by poker. That’s a new one.”

All That Remains
Bruce’s wife vanished a year ago and now his two daughters have vanished too. Everyone (the suspicious local cop, his neighbour his missing wife’s lover) thinks the chronic drunk Bruce killed them all. But is Bruce a nutter or a victim or both?

There are twists, Hotch emoting like a plank, JJ showing off her shampoo commercial hair and TPTB seem to have forgotten all their season 1 hints that Hotch’s daddy was a violent abuser. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“They’re gone.”

“Are two bottles of Bourbon a normal Monday night?”

“He killed them too did he?”

“Got nothing in common with that drunk.”

“Sounded belligerent and drunk again.”
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