April 2nd, 2013

Scary Books

Trailers & a 1999 tape tale

‘The Following’ 1x11 promo
The cult rebel? There is a cult training ground? Mmmm.

‘Evil Dead’ (2013) TV promos
“We’re gonna get you.” I’m there.

‘Cruel Intentions’ (1999) trailer
This was cheesy and why does Kathryn have a baby voice?

I read spoilers for ‘Sherlock’ series 3. Oh dear.

Reviews of ‘More Holmes For The Holidays’, ‘Tempting Fate’ and ‘The Red Plague Affair’ forthcoming.

I made After Eight brownies, they’re yum.

‘Modern Family’ Quotes:
“Is anyone watching me?”

“In my village if you didn’t drive one of these, you couldn’t call yourself a drug lord.”

‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“How come you didn’t do my homework last night?”

“Lousy surface dwellers.”

“An on purpose baby?”

‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ season 8 quotes:
“Cigarettes, dirty hair, didn’t care what anyone thought, never gave you the time of day, but he seemed to be in pain deep down?”
“And for the big money...did he in any way play in a band?”
“Bass. Vocals.”

“I won’t betray you. Any more than I have.”

“Blood. Screaming. The usual.”

“I want to hit something. A lot.”

“What just happened? And what the hell am I wearing?”

“Twilight just tried to murder us all with an army of stuffed animals.”

Cleared out a tape from 1999. It opened with ‘Curse of the Blair Witch’ which was a mocumentary to promote the movie. It gives colonial back-story to the Black Hills witch and expands the mythology in a flurry of bad acting. This was dull. Then came a season 3 ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ ep ‘Bad Girls’ in which the Mayor gurns, Cordelia has big hair and is slutshamed by Xander. Wesley shows up and Faith kills the deputy mayor by accident. This was dull.

Then came another season 3 ‘Buffy’ ep ‘Consequences’ in which Wesley and Cordelia have UST. Willow sulks when everything isn’t all about her. She can’t stand Buffy having another friend in Faith or the fact that Faith shagged Xander. Faith loses her grip. Angel tries to talk Faith down. Wesley wrecks everything by being a burk. Faith stakes Mr Trick and asks the Mayor for a job. This was not good.

Finally there was yet another season 3 ‘Buffy’ ep ‘Dopplegangland’ in which Anya and Willow accidentally summon up vampire Willow from the world of ‘The Wish’ which should in no way be possible. Snyder sneers, the Mayor gives Faith an apartment and Willow dresses like a 10 year old. Vampire Willow stomps around showing off all the annoying acting tics associated with Willow. Xander is stupid and this was not good at all.

Best Lines:
“Did you try looking inside the sofa in hell?”

“I think empathically not.”

“Back creature of the night! Leave this place!”
“Don’t wanna.”
Scary Books

Angel & Faith Issue 20 + The Green Hornet Issue 1 Reviewed

Spike and Faith
Spike inflicts himself on us. Then he and Faith fight Enders looking for a way to save Giles and Angel. Faith doesn’t explain where Robin Wood is. Spike whines about Buffy. The plot to resurrect Giles goes on. Why? This was good despite the reappearance of yet another awful character at the end.

Best Lines:
“I’ll keep him away from wood and sunlight.”

“The semantics won’t matter if the Angelus persona becomes dominant. We’ll all be too busy dying.”

“No one’s seen that since the Ley Line War of ‘78.”

“You shagged Xander!”

“I have oh, so many feelings.”

The Sting
This is the follow up ‘The Green Hornet: Year One’ saga. It is 1941 and Britt Reid’s day job as the ‘Citizen Kane’ like editor of the Daily Sentinel and his night job as the world’s first super criminal is having a detrimental effect on his personality.

The Hornet and his trusted sidekick plan to clean up the mob. But their secret vigilante activities are sewing the seeds of doom to come. There is a mention of The Shadow, Mike Axford fumes, Casey bends over things and there is lots and lots of ominous foreshadowing. This was excellent.

Best Lines:
“I strongly advise you to lower your weapon and back away before you regret this.”

“Make yourself at home, Mr Hornet. And that goes for you, too. What is your name?”

“I’ve convinced the underworld that the Hornet is one of them. Through years of careful playing-acting --by being in the right places, staging the right sins.”

“You got the scoop, didn’t you? And the photo. And the mobster’s I.D.!”
“An’ the back spasms from hidin’ in the church toilet ‘til the gorilla quit chasin’ me. An’ the dog bite I got retrievin' me camera.”

“Are you gonna whine like a baby, or threaten him, like a man should?”
Scary Books

Book Reviews: The Daemon Prism + Rebellion + Deathstalker Prelude

The Daemon Prism by Carol Berg
The 3rd novel in the ‘Collegia Magica’ trilogy is overlong, boring and underwhelming. Dante, the despised mage, takes centre stage and is the hero as he muses on good and evil as he untangles a magical conspiracy. I was very very disappointed.

Rebellion: The Tainted Realm Book Two by Ian Irvine
The sequel to ‘Vengeance’ is stodgy. Tali is an impulsive idiot, Rix is a thankless jackass and the imperilled Hightspallers are whining morons. The war rages and takes new turns yet everything in this book is so boring.

Best Line:
“We did wrong, Grandys. Grave wrong.”

Deathstalker Prelude by Simon R Green
This is a collection of three novellas (‘Mistworld’, ‘Ghostworld’, ‘Hellworld’) set prior to ‘Deathstalker’. Sadly all three are dull and formulaic.

Lost Rewatch: 2x14 + 2x16 + 2x17 + 2x18

One Of Them
Danielle has caught a man named Henry Gale in a net. She shoots him with a crossbow for good measure before handing him over to Sayid. She informs Sayid that the man is one of them, an Other. Somehow Sayid gets Henry Gale into the hatch. Henry Gale claims he and his dead wife crashed in a hot air balloon.

Jack and Locke have issues with each other. Sayid is upset over Shannon, who he’d forget by season 6. Jack is really annoying. The 108 countdown reaches zero and weird hieroglyphics appear. Sayid beats the snot out of Henry Gale. This was okay. The mystery of Henry Gale would be spread over several eps. But watching it in retrospect and knowing that Henry Gale is a fake name and that the man who Danielle ‘captured’ is in fact Ben (Michael Emerson) who set up his entire capture, it’s funny to see how he plays everyone by lying non-stop.

Best Lines:
“She believes he’s an Other.”

“He’s lying! He’s lying!”

The Whole Truth
Sun has boring flashbacks. The really pathetic Locke recruits Ana Lucia to question Henry Gale. Sawyer continues to get away with stealing, hording and being a jerk. Sun’s pregnant. Kate does not seem to have told anyone about the items she found in 2x15 that indicate the Others are faking being barefoot hillbillies. Sayid uses the phrase “geographical touchstone”.

Ana Lucia gets Henry Gale to draw a map to his hot air balloon and then she, Charlie and Sayid head off to find it. Henry Gale’s map is hilariously crude with stick figure mountains and directions like: Go Around Mountain and Balloon In Small Clearing. Also Ana Lucia apologies to Sayid for shooting Shannon and Henry Gale lets his Ben show. This was good.

Best Lines:
“We crashed on the other side of the island.”
“You walked across? All the way here? That must have been fun.”

“You flew around the world in a balloon and you don’t think you can draw up a good map?”

“Jack and Locke are a little too busy worrying about Locke and Jack. All I wanna know is if this guy’s telling the truth.”
“Why come to me?”
“Judging from what you did to his face, that’s what you want too.”

“And once we find out he is one of them, then something will have to be done.”

“Wow, you guys have some real trust issues, don’t you?”

The hatch is sealed off by last doors. Locke has flashbacks to his bastard father. Locke makes more bad decisions. The blacklight island map on the blast door is revealed is all its perplexing splendour. Henry Gale helps Locke and Locke is pathetically grateful until Sayid and co return and reveal that yes, Henry is indeed an Other. This was good.

Sayid’s tied Henry Gale up and demands answers. Henry Gale lies some more and rants about the all powerful leader of the Others. He is in fact talking about himself in the third person but that wouldn’t be revealed until the season 2 cliffhanger ‘Live Together, Die Alone’. The castaways really have no clue about the Others.

Hurley beats up Sawyer as people stand around laughing. Hurley has flashbacks and Libby was in a nuthouse. Henry Gale let himself spend a night in a net, was shot with a crossbow, was beaten to pulp by Sayid and spent days on hunger strike. And season 3 revealed he did all that while suffering from a spinal tumour. Ben had a frightful will. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“If I tell you about them, you have no idea what he’ll do.”
“You mean their leader. The guy with the beard.”
“Him? He’s no one. Nothing!”

“I am not a bad person!”

“What possible reason could I have for putting myself through this?”

“Did you get caught on purpose? You and your people have been here for God knows how long. And you get caught in a net.”
“God doesn’t know.”
“Excuse me?”
“God doesn’t know how long we’ve been here, John. He can’t see this island any better than the rest of the world can.”
  • Current Music
    Poker Face - Lady Gaga
  • Tags

Revolution 1x01&1x02 +Doctor Who 7x06 +GCB 1x04 +Labyrinth (2012) +Arrow 1x18 Reviewed

One day the power goes off, seemingly worldwide, never to come back on. The power going out sequence with a plane falling out of the sky is nicely creepy. 15 years pass. The horrible Ben is killed by militia, his idiot son Danny is hauled off and his idiot daughter Charlie heads off to fins her uncle Miles to save Danny. There is also a mysterious pendant and flashbacks to Ben’s allegedly dead wife Rachel (Elizabeth Mitchell of ’V’ and ’Lost’).

Nobody seems that curious as to what caused the blackout but it was not natural. Society has reverted to a feudal agrarian society but belly shirts, shampoo, washing powder, razors, ice, wine, eyebrow tweezers, paper, bullets, sun glasses, toothpaste, fitted leather jackets and hair gel still seem to be in abundance. This is based on a series of novels, but I didn’t see that mentioned in the credits.

Charlie stomps off with her father’s friend Aaron and her father’s new woman Maggie in tow. The really stupid Danny is menaced by militia, one of whom is the overacting  guy who was Gus on ‘Breaking Bad’. The militia enforce taxes, have membership brands, have outlawed guns (in America? Yeah right) and serve the gurning General Monroe (David Lyons of ‘The Cape’).

Charlie meets a cute boy named Nate. Neither she or her brother have the sense to come in out of the rain. I don’t care about any of these people. I don’t care about Aaron’s wife’s fate, the stupid Danny, the awful entitled Charlie, Nate or the thankless pig Miles. I don’t care about the ‘big reveal’ that there is power or who General Monroe is. This was stupid with bad acting.

Best Lines:
“If you were smart you left the city. If you weren’t you died there.”

“Nothing’s safe.”

“This is not good.”

Chained Heat
More flashbacks show how Ben, Rachel and their idiot spawn fled the city after a blackout and how a perv harassed them. In the ‘present’ General Monroe wants Miles. Why? Nate stalks the giant sucking pit of suck that is Charlie. Danny seems slow and the only vaguely interesting character is Maggie until TPTB ruin that by having her wave around a product placed iphone for an extended period of time. The Monroe Republic burns the US flag and has slave labour camps. Some people are okay with that. Miles and Charlie have the same conversation over and over again. TPTB want Charlie to remind us of Katniss from ‘The Hunger Games’ - it does not work.

A mysterious woman named Grace knows stuff and seems doomed. Miles wants to look up a woman named Nora. Miles, Nora and Charlie dish out bloodless carnage. There is a resistance to General Monroe. Just hide the man’s hair gel and he’ll crumble. This was okay but Charlie is irritating with no redeeming features. Who is Randal and why should I care? There is another ‘big reveal’ which is no surprise to anyone. There is a limit to how much time you want to spend with these people. I don’t think I’ll stick with this show.

Best Line:
“Great. They’re having a sale on heroin.”

The Bells of Saint John
There is something evil in the wifi and it is trapping souls in it. The Doctor encounters the latest itineration of Clara and has to protect her from mysterious baddies. There is dull surprise acting, peril on a plane, UNIT and a familiar bad guy. This was okay.

Best Line:
“We can’t always pass it off as a riot.”

A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing
Carlene’s uncle Burl (Bruce Boxleitner of ‘Babylon 5’) and his awful wife (Donna Mills) show up. Blake recruits Amanda to revive the Westward Ho jeans line. Zack and Sharon have more marital issues. Carlene plans Condos For Christian Living and Sharon has to assemble a bookcase from Stockholm And Stuff. Ripp continues to obsess that Bill could be alive. Gigi throws a party. Amanda learns how much Cricket hates her and someone dies. This was okay if obvious.

Best Lines:
“On the inside, they’re just selfish and awful.”

“I tripped over a keg in the ladies room at Boobylicious and I bruised my shin on a toilet.”
“What a pretty story.”

“I will not allow you out in public looking like yard trash.”

“Harry Potter isn’t subversive momma.”

Labyrinth (2012)
This miniseries is an adaptation of Kate Mosse’s novel which I have not read. In 2012 France, Alice helps out on an archaeological dig and has strange experiences. In 1209 France, Alais learns her father has a secret and is oblivious to her evil sister Oriane shagging her husband. The 2012 sequences are sub par Dan Brown as a religious nutter kills people, other pagan nutters have a cult, a useless guy named Will takes up space, there is no real implied menace and Alice is a spod. The 1209 sequences are more interesting as Crusaders head Alais’ way to kill all the local Cathars. Alais' father talks about mysterious books, rings and the Holy Grail in a loud and carrying voice. Oriane tantrums and is contemptuous and arbitrary. Violence erupts. Oriane betrays various people and there is death. People are burned, the hard faced Oriane’s accent slips and there is babbling about a labyrinth and a navigator. In 2012 Alice has to be told what the Holy Grail is and encounters John Hurt’s character who is cryptic for no good reason. There is a not so surprising revelation about who his character is. This was uneven and not a lot made sense. Still parts of it entertained.

Best Lines:
“I’ll make honest Christians of these people even if I have to kill every last one of them to do it.”

“There is vile talk.”

“It’s rumoured the Holy Grail’s buried underneath.”
“Has anyone ever looked?”
“And risked finding out it’s not there?”

“Will you let me go now?”

“The invasion reached them.”

“She will bitterly regret her decision. But she made it freely.”

Another vigilante is in town and Oliver gets angry. Thea sucks face with Roy and is appalled that he is a criminal. Neither of them note their blatant hypocrisy. Sarah may be dead after all. Roy is in peril. Malcolm lurks. Laurel makes everything all about her. Alex Kingston shows off some terrible acting in her grief collapse scene and Moira betrays.

The island flashbacks are as uninteresting as the main plot. Yao Fei’s daughter busts out some Bruce Lee moves. Why she didn’t do that ages ago and save everyone a lot of trouble is not revealed. What became of her, Yao Fei and Slade Wilson? What is the undertaking? This was bad.

Best Line:
“Gggrrrrr, stop being bad or I’ll arrow you.”
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Black Death + A Man For All Seasons

Black Death (2010)
It is 1348 and the Black Death has reached England. The land is devastated the plague but there are rumours that a village has escaped the disease through necromancy. So a knight named Ulric (Sean Bean), his gang, their torture wagon and a naïve monk named Osmond (Eddie Redmayne) head off to find the village and a witch.

Osmund has his own reasons for going with them. He plans to slip away and run off with his girlfriend Averill. But plans go awry the further they venture into Dentwich Forest and the Great Marsh. They encounter flagellants, witch burners and then they reach the pretty plague free village and things get really ugly. This is grim and dark and good. Plus it had a cameo by David Warner.

Best Lines:
“The fumes of the dead hung in the air like poison.”

“The Bishop seeks to roast himself a necromancer.”

“Where does the church believe this pestilence has come from?”
“I don’t believe God is punishing us, like many do.”
"I say from France, where all foul things emerge.”

“No corpse filled pits. No burning bodies.”

“Die well my friend.”
“Oh I will.”

“I do not fear you, or your pagan lapdog.”
“You finished?”

“How may of you are left?”

A Man For All Seasons (1966)
Thomas More objects to Henry VIII divorcing Catherine of Aragon. He is warned not to by fat Wolsey and the lurking Cromwell. But More maintains his horrible moral squint. The barren as a brick Catherine does not appear, Anne Boleyn shows up but does not speak and Henry VIII shows up just to tantrum.

Orson Welles and John Hurt shows up. Big events take place off screen, Norfolk lurks and More is arrogant and likes to pontificate. His daughter Margaret shows up to make speeches. More ends up in the Tower and on trial and is still irritating and pontificating right until the end. This was okay but bitty.

Best Lines:
“That thing out there. At least she’s fertile.”
“She’s not his wife.”

“I have no Queen!”

“You threaten like a dockside bully.”