March 11th, 2013

Scary Books

White Collar Season 2 Review, part 3

Neal wears another silly hat. His landlady June’s old ‘friend’ Ford (Billy Dee Williams) shows up. Diana is a jerk, the Liz-bot bores, Peter annoys and there is a printing plate that people want. This was boring with non acting.

Best Line:
“Work implies I have a job.”

Neal’s old rival Keller is in jail but still masterminds a pis aller to escape. The Liz-bot bores, Peter is in peril, Diana annoys and nobody noticed the fact Neal hid a ring on a statute. This bored despite some really annoying product placement and a cell break.

Best Lines:
“Now is quiet time.”

“The longest relationship I’ve had is 11 days and then she deflated.”
Scary Books

Trailers & a 2001 tape tale

‘Star Trek Into Darkness’ trailer #3
Red weed world, Pike and stuff happening. Am looking forward.

Jack The Giant Slayer’ trailer

‘Cuckoo’ 1x02 promo

‘Cuckoo’ 1x03

‘GCB’ promo

‘Vinyl Cat’ video

Reviews of ‘The Iron Wyrm Affair’, ‘Dance of Shadows’ and ‘Girl of Nightmares’ forthcoming.

There will no review of 'Allegiance In Exile'.

Potential new shows ‘The Last Ship’ and ‘SHIELD’ sound interesting.

Jalapeno pretzel pieces = yum.

Bottle Caps candy is foul.

‘Dance of Shadows’ Quote:
“She even refused to listen to classical music. That’s when Vanessa knew it was bad.”

Cleared out a tape from 2001. It began with a season 3 ‘Angel’ ep ‘Darla’ in which Lindsey fawns over Darla. There are lots and lots of flashbacks. Darla was turned by the Master in 1609 when she a whore dying of syphilis in the Virginia colony. In 1760 Angelus and his bad wig disrespected the Master who was in London for some reason. Angel realises Darla wasn’t her real name. Wesley annoys. Darla overacts. There are more flashbacks to 1880, 1898 and 1900 but they got boring real fast. I didn’t care.

Best Lines:
“His name would already be a legend in his home village had he left anyone alive there to tell the tale.”

“You could just take the first drooling idiot that comes along.”

“Drusilla, the camp. Go on, kill things.”
“He shall be very cross if he finds we had a lovely mass slaughter without him.”

“Show none.”

Then came a ‘Cleopatra 2525’ ep ‘Baby Boom’ in which the gang find a baby, there are UV parlours underground explaining why people don’t look like Morlocks and still this was dumb with bad make up, fights and copious ‘Terminator’ rip-offs.

Then there was a ‘Jack of All Trades’ ep ‘Shark Bait’ in which a sea monster menaces the island. Michael Hurst is the overacting baddie of the week and there are rip-offs of a ‘James Bond’ movie. This steampunk show has not aged well.

Best Line:
“We could find ourselves surrounded by seamen.”

Movie Reviews: Be Kind Rewind + The Hole + Jawbreaker + Splice

Be Kind Rewind (2008)
A guy who helps out at a video store (Mos Def) and a local nut (Jack Black) annoy, the nut has a bizarre accident and erases all the tapes. So they recreate their own version of the movies so as not to disappoint the boss (Danny Glover). This leads to not exactly hilarious takes on ‘Ghostbusters’, ‘Rush Hour 2’, ‘The Lion King’, ‘Robocop’, ‘Driving Miss Daisy’, ‘When We Were Kings’, ‘2001’, ‘King Kong’, ‘Carrie’ and ‘Men in Black’. Then they get done for piracy despite their local following. This was annoying and had a non-ending.

The Hole (2001)
This is based on the novel by Guy Burt. Liz (Thora Birch), Mike (Desmond Harrington of ‘Ghost Ship’), Geoff (Laurence Fox of ‘Lewis’) and Frankie (Keira Knightley) have been missing from their boarding school for 18 days. Only Liz returns and a shrink (Embeth Davidtz) questions her to find out what happened.

Liz reveals how they wanted to avoid the geography field trip to Wales and agreed to be hidden in a forgotten World War 2 bunker by school fixer Martyn. They spent three days having fun but Martyn never returned to let them out. The police arrest Martyn but he has a very different story. So what really happened? A sad sordid tale of death and obsessive love is revealed. This is okay.

Best Lines:
“Can’t be any worse than Wales right?”

“Am I the only one who can smell the toilet? I mean I’ve been polite but who left the monster log that we can’t ####### flush?!?”

“Put your knob away.”

“It was all for you.”

Jawbreaker (1999)
This sour comedy is about a group of appalling, loud mouthed and quasi murderous popular gang. Courtney (Rose McGowan of ‘Scream‘, ‘Planet Terror‘ and ‘Charmed‘), Marcie (Julie Benz) and Julie (Rebecca Gayheart of ’Earth 2’, ’Urban Legend’ and ’Dead Like Me’) accidentally kill their pal Liz when a birthday prank goes wrong. Unpopular loser Fern walks in on the cover up and Courtney makes Fern popular to buy her silence.

Julie is excommunicated from the popular gang and now Fern, Courtney and Marcie power walk down the corridors. Courtney is a sociopath who arranges a cover up of Liz’s death thus proving the truth of the film’s tagline: the sweetest candies are sour as death inside.

P.J. Soles, William Katt, Jeff Conaway, Marilyn Manson, Carol Kane and Pam Grier feature. The pathetic Fern turns into a mean girl with the aid of some hair dye and some overly tight trousers. Marcie is a dim bulb and a recordable greeting card is a plot point. Courtney piles on the lies and turns on Fern. This was camp and idiotic.

On prom night, Julie and her dim bulb boyfriend arrange the social destruction of Courtney in front of their evil vindictive classmates. Courtney, her ugly dress and bizarre hairdo are disgraced to Julie’s amusement. This was a sub par ‘Heathers’ knockoff.

Best Lines:
“They went to your school too.”

“You gagged her with a jawbreaker?”

“Liz is dead. Do you know what that means?”
“That you’re a shoo in for prom queen?”

“Please cover your bosoms, this is a learning institution not a brothel.”

“Sugary sweet death.”

“I don’t think we’ve officially met. What with the cruel politics of high school and all.”

“Foods cool and all. It tastes good and you need it to live.”

“Oh look, you have groupies.”

Splice (2009)
This body horror film starred Adrien Brody, Sarah Polley (of ‘Dawn of the Dead’) and David Hewlett (of ‘Stargate Atlantis’). Clyde (Brody) and Elsa (Polley) create a transhuman creation Elsa names Dren. Naturally it all goes hideously wrong as Clyde wants to shag it and Elsa wants to control it. Not good.
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Mayday 1x05 + GCB (2012) 1x01 Reviewed

I didn’t watch 1x03 or 1x04 so here’s what happened more or less: Malcolm killed himself, Seth’s been arrested for killing Hattie, Steve’s wife and son returned but won’t see him, Gail’s lost everything to bailiffs and Linus had a connection to Malcolm.

Linus confronts his awful father about his mother’s death. Everett spews some justification for living like a squatter, hitting his son and being unaware of the fact his son is prostituting himself. Steve loses his wife, son, brother and in-laws. Gail confronts Linus and asks: “Are you a rent boy?”

Gail learns more of her dead husband’s secrets and in disgust feeds his ashes to her fat dog. Hattie’s murderer is revealed. There is a cover-up and an arranged scapegoat. But the series does not end there instead the vague supernatural hints become full on and Hattie turns out to have been a witch who comes back from the dead by possessing her twin sister and shows up to literally point the finger at her murderer. This was silly and not the ’sophisticated drama’ the BBC claimed.

Best Line:
“If you kill me. I’ll come back for you.”

Amanda’s husband  Bill died in a car wreck with his mistress (aka Amanda’s best friend) after stealing money in a ponzi scheme. Now bankrupt she has to return to her upper class Texan hometown with her children Will and Laura. They move in with Amanda’s mother Gigi (Annie Potts of ‘Ghostbusters’).

But the screeching harpies that populate the area recall how Amanda (Leslie Bibb of ‘Popular’) was a bitch in high school and want her gone. They have neither forgotten nor forgiven. So Carlene (Kristin Chenoweth), Cricket, Sharon and Heather plot against Amanda.

Amanda is determined to be sober and a good person and make up for her past. This is an okay humorous soap. It amused and David James Elliott shows up as Carlene’s husband Ripp. Granted it was cancelled after 10 eps, but it amused.

Best Lines:
“Do you think Grandma will like us more now that Dad’s dead?”

“My Bible’s in my other purse.”

“It is not appropriate to speak of such things on the phone.”

“Why would anybody in their right mind leave Dallas for Southern California? We got the same weather without the liberals.”
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To Light The Way To Bed

Willow Issue 5 Review

Wonderland, part 5
Willow and Rack have a magical duel while Rack lists the many ways in which Willow is selfish. WTF is the big deal about the scythe? When did Rack become so powerful? Willow has a metaphysical encounter and this was good.

Best Lines:
“It’s the most important thing in history. Till you run into a coven of horny witches who worship you and keep you juiced.”

“The rules apply to everyone but you.”

“You spend your life guarding a Hellmouth. But when you lose your power, you decide to make a new Hellmouth to get it back, and damn the consequences!”

“So inspiring. Can’t wait for the self-help book.”
Scary Books

Book Review: The Queen is Dead + Mistral's Kiss

The Queen Is Dead by Kate Locke
The sequel to ‘God Save The Queen’ sees Xandra Varden struggle to cope with the knowledge that she is a goblin, deal with the jealously of Queen Victoria and root out a conspiracy. This is a very good steampunk tale and there are hints that there is much more going on than is apparent.

Best Lines:
“Out of the corner of my eye I saw what was left of him ooze across the store floor.”

“I’ll eat your liver while it’s still inside you.”

Mistral’s Kiss by Laurell K Hamilton
This 5th  entry in the apparently cancelled ‘Merry Gentry’ series was published in 2007. Merry is shagging 15+ men including Kitto the four foot tall goblin. So Merry the walking STD has to deal with the mad queen, have pages of sex with Mistral while people mutter about Deity magic and Sholto shows up to be petulant. This was dreck.

Best Line:
“Why cookies? Why not cake, or meat?”
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