March 2nd, 2013

Scary Books

Thoughts of the Day

Reviews of ‘Malice’, ‘21st Century Dead’, ‘Games’, ‘Rise of the Federation: A Choice of Futures’, ‘Bridge of Dreams’, ‘White Forest’, ‘Venom’, ‘Stung’, ’Deathstalker Prelude’, 'Superheroes', 'The Tall Man' and ‘Knock Knock’ forthcoming.

There will be no reviews of ‘Devil’s Bargain’, ‘Unremembered’ or ‘Eldritch Evolutions’

‘Oblivion’ trailer
Uh, no.

On ‘Hollyoaks’, Brendan has been charged with ABH after Walker pounded on Kevin. Ste stands by his man. Leanne and Cheryl need to go away. Ste yells at people and makes excuses. Ste wails to Doug about his dying relationship with the large ham Brendan. Walker terrorises Kevin some more. Maxine is marked for death. Brendan runs off, again. Ste is pathetic some more. Kevin is obviously scared of Walker, so why does he keep working for him? Ruby is shunned at college. Has everyone doing the shunning forgotten that they partook in the bullying. Phoebe tells Ruby where to go. Sinead is teen trash. Will and his horrific nerd attire plays Dodger and Texas some more. Kevin seems to murder Maxine.

Best Lines:
“Maybe we should get back to looking for Brendan, eh? Probably in the park sniffing bottoms.”

“What if he comes after me?”
“I’m counting on it.”

“Who or what is that?”

“I don’t enjoy hurting you Kevin.”

“She’s a knocked up teenage skank with no prospects.”
Scary Books

Book Review: Article 5

Article 5 by Kristen Simmons
This is a bad knock-off of ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ as a future dystopian post war America enforces moral order. Ember is sent off to reform school when her ‘free spirit’ (aka the town bike) mother is arrested. One of the arresting officers is Chase Jennings, Ember’s one true love. Cue bilge. Chase knows what is going on but won’t tell Ember for her own good and Ember is dim. This is not dystopian, this is a bad romance and guess what? The ending leaves things wide open for a sequel. No, just no.
Scary Books

Lightfields (2013) 1x01 Reviewed

This sequel to ‘Marchlands’ under whelmed. It has nice opening credits though. In 1944 the Felwood farm family encounter Eve, an evacuee and her little sister Vivian. In 1975 Vivian and her daughter come to the abandoned farm so she can write and in 2012 the farm is now a B&B and something lurks there.

In 1944, Lucy Felwood and Eve became friends and then fell out over a greasy lurking American named Dwight (it’s Marcus from ‘Blade: The Series’). Everything will soon change and it won’t change back. The hay barn burns down killing the nasty Lucy. In 1975 doors creak and the Felwood’s former idiot farm hand/Home Guard member Tom lurks. In 2012, Lucy’s little brother Pip is now a great-grandfather dealing with a pillock in-law. This was boring. I don’t care about anything that is going on.

Best Line:
“Have him. Let him ruin you.”

Movie Review: Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters (2013)

Some years after the classic Grimm tale, Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) have grown up into leather clad witch hunters who seem a bit too close. They arrive at a vaguely Medieval town to take on another evil witch (Famke Janssen) while a local idiot bureaucrat (Peter Stormare) annoys.

There is gore, a troll named Edward, body parts flying around, historically and mechanically impossible weaponry, ugly evil women, Hansel has insulin-dependent diabetes from being force fed candy as a child, Gretel has a fan boy, the evil witch does gloating rants, Hansel does an unnecessary combat roll, falls down a lot, gets a shovel to the face and at one point ends up with his face in his sister’s leather-corseted cleavage. This is a loud, trashy mess and it’s fun.

Best Line:
“Is it hot enough for you now?”
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