January 29th, 2013


Thoughts of the Day

Reviews of: ‘The Croning’, ‘Interstellar Pig’, ’She’, ’Source Code’ and ‘Grave Encounters 2’ forthcoming.

Read up on where ‘Last Resort’ would have gone had it not been axed. Oh dear, now I’m glad it was cancelled.

‘Generation Warriors’ Quote:
“Those who sweep tails across the sand of reason, where proofs of wisdom abound.”

“Unworthy to be egg-layers!”

‘Warm Bodies’ TV spot
The book was awful, the film looks even worse.

On ‘Hollyoaks’, Lacey has apparently exited the show off screen. Doug is back. Ste has no shame about living in sin with Brendan. Hollyoaks school ignores the fact it had a bullying problem. John-Paul was outed and bullied by his classmates including Craig. In fact Craig also hit him, their relationship was never very healthy.

Brendan stirs the pot. Doug does not mention his sick dad. Ste doesn’t even apologise for cheating on Doug. Everyone overlooks the fact that Ste and Doug have a civil partnership which needs to be severed legally. Brendan belittles Doug, Ste overlooks this. Brendan plays the victim.

Jen pulls more crap to save her job and gets Mr Keeler fired. Mr Keeler expresses no remorse over his failure to help Esther. Brendan learns Ste is lying to Amy and telling her he and Doug are still together. Brendan and Ste are lowlifes, WTF have the writers done to Ste? They’ve made him stupid and callous.

Best Lines:
“Daddy Doug is long gone.”

“I did nothing wrong.”

“Kids like Esther Bloom, who nobody was listening to...we failed her so badly
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: The Hurt Locker + Terror By Night + Dressed To Kill

The Hurt Locker (2008)

James (Jeremy Renner of ‘Thor’, ‘Avengers’ and ‘Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol’) is a bomb disposal expert in Iraq. He’s also a reckless adrenaline junkie whose colleagues don’t like him and one even thinks about killing him. This was directed by Kathryn Bigelow who also gave us ‘Near Dark’ and ‘Zero Dark Thirty’.

People get shot, Guy Pearce and Ralph Fiennes have cameos and promptly die and James can’t connect with his son and wife (Evangeline Lilly of ‘Lost’). James is obviously disturbed and the ending is bitter. This was very worthy I’m sure but it did nothing for me. This was released by the same studio that made ‘Sorority Row’ and they thought that would be the bigger hit. Oh dear.

Best Lines:
“I thought we got divorced. I mean she’s still living in the house and she says we’re still together.”

“Was at a whorehouse.”
“Alright. If I let you in, you tell me where it is exactly?”

Terror by Night (1946)

Colonel Sebastian Moran menaces Holmes and co on a train. He’s after the Star of Rhodesia, a 450 caret diamond worth £50,000. There is bad acting and the high gothic theme has been ditched since ‘The House of Fear’ for a wannabe noir theme. Basil Rathbone looks old and bored.

People run around the choo-choo. There’s murder and theft. Watson is stupid. Holmes bluffs Moran. This is less than an hour long and is boring.

Best Lines:
“It would have been better had it never been found.”

“Because a perfect stranger to me got himself murdered, you come to question me?”

“You come pounding on this door again and I’ll have the law on you.”
“I am the law.”
“Then stop barging in and out of my room like a chambermaid.”

“For an innocent man, you carry strange things in your pockets.”

Dressed To Kill (1946)

The last in the series as Basil Rathbone quit. Femme fatale Hilda who really wants to be Irene Adler is after music boxes made in Dartmoor prison. Watson and Holmes discuss Watson’s just published tale ‘A Scandal in Bohemia’. Watson can write? I doubt he’s capable of tying his own shoelaces.

Watson mangles the pronunciation of Irene Adler’s name. Holmes looks into music boxes and Watson whines and is oblivious and sexist. Holmes and Watson are patronising. Hilda pulls evil faces and everyone is after some stolen Bank of England plates.

Holmes has a complete and utter disregard for people’s emotional well being. The baddies try to kill Holmes in a death trap and make a reference to Germans and poison gas. In 1946, ouch. Everyone is a first class tool and the cruel modern winds of change cannot be ignored. This was terrible.This entire series was a meandering mess in fact.

Best Lines:
“Your slightly lurid tales.”

“Stinky hasn’t had his tea yet.”

“No-one’s home.”
“I hope that’s the explanation.”

“Follow that cab.”

“By now Mr Holmes has no doubt exchange his violin for a harp.”
“Always assuming that heaven is his destination.”

“I think this gentleman on the floor requires some medical attention.”

Once Upon A Time 1x19 + Arrow 1x11 Reviewed

The Return

It took me until 1x18 to realise the opening credits change each episode. Kathryn (formerly Abigail in fairytale land) is back. August twitches like a meth addict. Henry hangs out with the weird stranger. Everyone is so much more vibrant in fairytale land, in Storybrooke, they’re just dull and dumb.

Regina tantrums as her not so cunning plan falls apart. WTF does Regina get out of being in Storybrooke? What Mr Gold gets out of being in Storybrooke is revealed. Kathryn forgives her husband for being a cheating lying goob. Emma vows to get custody of Henry. Mary Margaret gets a ‘We’re So Glad You Didn’t Kill Mrs Nolan’ card from her students. Emma is dumb to trust August. Sidney Glass is pathetic.

Flashbacks show how Rumpy’s moron son Baelfire called him Poppa and sulked as his mad dad used his magic to kill people who annoyed him. There were bad child actors, the Blue Fairy, a magic bean and Rumpy was an idiot. This was terrible.

I’m sick of the David/Mary Margaret drama, I’m sick of Rumpy overacting and I’m sick of August. Rumpy never learns and has the parenting skills of octomom and Regina shows off more unacceptable behaviour.

Best Lines:
“You created the curse for me. The curse that brought us here and built all this.”

“You have stains on your boots.”
“Oh yes, that. Ah, we need a new maid.”

Trust But Verify

Armoured trucks are robbed. Thea’s birthday is upcoming and she goes full force snot. Quentin Lance is once again the only cop in Starling City. Diggle is a moron. Island flashbacks lead to an unexpected twist which really surprised me. I did not see that twist coming.

That twist was the only good thing in this dire ep. Tommy has issues with his dad. Merlyn Snr may not be a bad guy after all. Oliver drops an intriguing hint. Moira and Merlyn Snr continue their plotting and Thea sees them and leaps to all the wrong conclusions. Tommy throws a strop and Laurel is self righteous. The baddie of the week (Ben Browder of ‘SG1’ and ‘Farscape’) bores.

There are unsubtle metaphors and intriguing plots: what happened to Mrs Merlyn? What are Moira and Merlyn Snr up to? Why hasn’t Moira sent the brat Thea off to one of those boot camps Dr Phil is always on about? What was going on on the island?

Best Lines:
“I’m not going to let you William Tell an innocent man.”

“He wants to mend some fences but thanks to him I can’t afford a fence.”
Scary Books

Book Reviews: The Man With The Golden Torc + Ruby Slippers, Golden Tears + Werehunter

The Man With The Golden Torc by Simon R. Green

The 1st in the ‘Secret Histories’ saga. Eddie Drood is doing his part, defending humanity from supernatural threats. And then his family cast him out and declare him a traitor.

As Eddie fights to discover why his family turned on him he learns of dark deeds afoot and the ugly truth of the source of the Drood’s power. Something is rotten in Drood Hall and Eddie and the annoying witch Molly have to deal with it. This was good.

Best Lines:
“In my day, no one would have dared. We’d have tracked them down, ripped their souls out and nailed them to our outer walls.”

“If the family can’t identify their traitor, they might just choose one...”

“But who? The Stalking Shrouds? The Loathly Ones? The Cold Eidolon? The Mandrake Recorporation?”

“I was the enemy now, and I had good reason to know how the Droods treat their enemies.”

“I’m not locked in; the family’s locked out.”

“Our fiercest enemies, defeated and put to use. Their bodies hollowed out and filled with straw while they were still alive, and then bound by unbreakable pacts to defend The Hall, to their destruction if necessary. Not dead, any of them. They couldn’t still suffer if we let them die.”

“Oath Breaker was ancient and awful, made when the world was young, specifically to undo things that could not be allowed to exist.”

“We’re not what we thought we were.”

“I’m your god!”
“Bad god,”

Ruby Slippers, Golden Tears edited by Ellen Datlow & Terri Windling

The 3rd in the collections of fairy tales for adults is a mess that only has one good story in it. That story is ‘Summer Wind’ which is a twist on Sleeping Beauty. As 100 years pass, everyone in the castle sleeps except Sleeping Beauty who grows old.

Werehunter by Mercedes Lackey

A collection of short stories originally published in 1999.

A tale of a shape shifter and her stalker love interest. Okay.

SKitty/A Tail of Two SKitties/SCat/A Better Mousetrap
These 4 sappy tales centre on Dick white and his shipscat SKitty. This is too sappy.

The Last of Season
A perv abducts a girl but he’s not the only monster in the room. Creepy.

Satanic, Versus
A ‘Diana Tregarde’ story which sees the smug witch foil a demon raising carried out by a bitter rival romance writer. This was good.

Best Lines:
“Whoopie witches sit under a pyramid they ordered from a catalogue and watch Knot’s Landing...Whoopie witches call up the Hideous Slime from Yosotha to eat their neighbor’s poodle because the bitch got the last carton of Haagen-Daaz double-chocolate at the Seven-Eleven.”

Another ‘Diana Tregarde’ story which sees her take on vampires. Weak.

Wet Wings
A Mary Sue fantasy writer is persecuted by the PC brigade. Good if annoying.

Stolen Silver
A ‘Valdemar’ story about how Alberich became a Herald. This grew into the books ‘Exile’s Honor’ and ‘Exile’s Valor’. Very good.

A man encounters a malevolent piece of trash that is actually a toothy shape shifter. Excellent.

Best Line:
“They don’t permit it.”

Operation Desert Fox
A sentient tank does stuff. Awful.

Grey/Grey’s Ghost
Children in a Victorian boarding school take on evil with the help of their parrot. These were good and lead to the book ‘The Wizard of London’.
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