November 23rd, 2012

Scary Books

Elementary 1x05 + Alcatraz 1x04 + Fringe 5x05 + Hunted 1x08 Reviewed

Lesser Evils

Holmes abuses corpses and deduces murder. Watson runs into her ‘friend’ Carrie. Watson let her medical licence expire after being trained for 12 years to be a surgeon. Why did she throw her medical career away to be an addict sitter? An angel of death is the loose. The obvious suspect is the killer. But there is a twist. This was mediocre.

Best Lines:
“What is wrong with you?”

“Idiots rely on luck.”

Cal Sweeney

A bank robber from 1960 robs banks in the present. No-one asks how they have no issues with the present day. Dr Soto somehow has two PhDs and a difficult relationship with his parents.

The 1960 bank robber who at one time fancied himself king rat of Alcatraz is Cal Sweeney (Eric Johnson of ‘Smallville’) and he is crazy and a bad judge of character. He’s violent and rants and sticks a guy’s head down a toilet. Then he gets stabbed with a pen.

There is a hostage situation in a bank, Rebecca shoves her nose in, there is an obvious plot twist and questions are raised about keys and a locked room. This was bad. I don’t care, I just do not care.

An Origin Story

Etta’s dead and Peter is cracking up. Olivia is ever stoic and the Observers do weird stuff. Peter gets vengeful, Olivia is blank and the Observers are like the technomages from ‘Babylon 5’. Peter questions an Observer. Astrid cracks the Observers language. Etta is made the face of the resistance. Peter is stupid yet again. Nobody wonders if everything is this ep was a giant set up so Peter would end up sticking Observer tech into his spine. He’s from the kind of family where that could be part of a normal day. Sigh. This was dull and obvious.

Best Lines:
“But what do we have? Pieces we don’t know how to put together. A scroll with physics we can’t decipher, a thought unifier that doesn’t work and a box of rocks from a mine. That’s what our daughter died for so far.”

“This is my friend. He’s meaner than I am.”

“You think the black over your head is dark skies when it is really our shoe.”

Snow Maiden

Byzantium try and fail to kill Jack Turner. Zoë is unpleasant. Aidan is a jackass and nobody shoots him. Sam is being poisoned. Steven learns his wife was murdered and Jack Turner’s pet assassin Tyrone has a big secret.

Sam has endless flashbacks to her past that reveal nothing. Jack Turner tells his ill used and least favourite son the motive behind his whole dam bidding/blackmail scheme. Fowkes does nothing. Someone dies, someone falls off a bridge and there is a non surprise final revelation.

This was okay but the mysteries of Sam’s past, the soil samples, the evil Polyhedrus company, Hourglass, Aidan’s past, the annoying assassin woman, Deacon’s future, the boss’ illness, Steven Turner and why everyone wants Sam’s dead will never be answered as this was the final ever ep.

Best Lines:
“You being here is a threat.”

“I don’t think you’ll find fulfilment managing security guards in a mall.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Switch 1x04 Reviewed

The Anniversary

As the CW coven gets ready for their 5th anniversary - there is a goat’s head in the fridge, Stella is obsessed with a mustard pitch at work, snivelling Hannah is selfish and Grace is mugged.

To stop Grace’s infernal blubbering and bad social responses, the CW cast a confidence spell on the wet hen Grace. This leads to her cutting the headphone cable of a guy who is listening to Flo Rida on his ipod at excessive volume and chasing her love interest all over Camden. He’s in a painfully wannabe hip indie band named NotNowKato. Grace sexts him, he is painfully dim and full of copulation driven self indulgence.

Jude tries to sell her rubbish designs on a market stall but makes the fatal mistake of having Hannah as her salesgirl. Hannah is useless and wrecks everything. Hannah is an inept under achieving bitter disappointment. I like this show but I loathe Hannah. She is a cesspit of abject failure and is a rotten friend. She never does anything and is a spoilt brat with no manners. In short she is a badly brought up, ungrateful, spoilt, selfish, self pitying, dreadful taker who is ridiculously lazy.

Stella stumbles into work badly dressed as ever and learns that the Witches of Kensington have planted the vapid India in the company to ruin Stella’s life. It still isn’t clear why the WOK loathe the CW. The WOK have bespelled the company to love India even when she plans to pitch mustard as an alternative to thrush cream.

But Stella foils the WOK who are cruel and say totes a lot. Grace is seething after bring treated with distain by her mancandy and so tries to beat up a mugger and ends up in hospital. Thanks to the power of friendship the day is saved and one of the WOK is redeemed. This was good even if when Stella punched a WOK in the face, she clearly missed by two feet.

Best Lines:
“I’m not a bad person. I take my mum to church, she’s got to wear a nappy.”

“I draw the line at organic sanitary towels.”

“Solstice camp flashback.”

“I love this more than my penis.”

“What are the three basic principles of advertising?”
“Uh shopping, pictures, shopping.”

“She is hotter than a Fukushima reactor.”

“You can look forward to a diminishing audience and your venue’s slow decline into a chavpit with pink drinks and mirrors everywhere.”

“The tramps of Camden.”

“You live together because you’re poor though right? Like really, really poor? Or because you actually enjoy it? How does that work?”

“What’s the point of being witches if you need all four of you conscious to do anything?”

“Major shock and awe.”

“Who do you think you are? Gandalf?”

“Complete trashfest.
“Name, gutter, major dragage.”
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Scary Books

Trailers & Stuff

‘Switch’ 1x05 promo
Jude gets a new love interest, Hannah gets a new job and this looks iffy.

‘The Booth At The End’ trailer
A mysterious man makes agreements from a diner booth. Is he the devil? Uh.

Best Line:
“I heard you can do things.”

‘Angel’ Quote:
“Evil white folks really do have a Mecca!”

Stupid ‘Hollyoaks’ TPTB have admitted that by bringing back John-Paul McQueen, he and Craig have broken up. I don’t want stories about John-Paul as a single man, everyone remembers the horror that was the priest storyline. Anyway Ste has woken up and has amnesia or does he? I am getting the terrible feeling that Ste and Brendan will leave Chester together. Poor Doug, Ste needs a good kicking and I’m sure Brendan will give it to him at some point. Dodger is orange and TPTB spend quality time on his trashy long lost real dad storyline. Meanwhile the dead ignorant loudmouth slapper Maddie is being remembered as a saint a la ‘Heathers’.

The ‘World War Z’ teaser poster is stark.

‘World War Z’ Quotes:
My father wasn’t quite convinced of my ingenious geopolitical insights.”

“I was quite proud of those words, I thought they sounded very heroic.”

‘Congo’ Quotes:
“This is pure Kafka...”
“Who is Kafka? Tell me!”

“You go in there with Robertson Reynolds, you’ll be coming out as somebody’s bowel movement.”

‘Days of Our Lives’ Quotes:
“I doubt you’ll mourn for long, you don’t have it in you.”

“Now that Andre’s dead. He is dead isn’t he?”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”

‘The Adventures of Brisco County Jr’ Quotes:
“Where did you learn to punch like that?”
“Catholic school.”

“You touched Pete’s piece.”

“There was bees up there.”
“Was there?”
“Mad bees!”

“This is a country of dust, ill manners and strange smells.”

“Do you think that I would allow some cretin from an antediluvian time to stop me?”

“I’m going to pound you like cheap sirloin.”

‘Dark Skies’ (2013) trailer
This looks cool. I’m there.

Best Line:
“You can’t escape them.”

The cover for ‘Night Pilgrims’ is out and it is pretty.

Reviews of: ‘White Collar’ season 2, ‘Allegiance in Exile’, ‘Hysteria’, ‘Article 5’, ‘Dead Things’, ‘Hunter’s Moon’, ‘Brenda and Effie Forever!’, ‘The Dead of Winter’ and ‘Tempest Rising’ forthcoming.

‘Emmerdale’ Quote:
“What, like beating up your dad and losing your wife to Marlon?”
Scary Books

Last Resort 1x04 Reviewed


I can’t believe they axed this. The crew are revolting. Kendal and Chaplin learn they are charged with treason. Morale is in the toilet. Chaplin decides to let the crew decide if they want to stay or go. Needless to say, he pulls a gambit that manipulates them into doing what he wants. The SEALs annoy.

Julian wants something on the island. King threatens Julian. Kylie whines to her dad. Christine Kendal is broke and being gas lighted by her lawyer. This leads to her ranting like a madwoman at the media.

The NATO woman Sophie tests soil, a sailor pulls a grenade, Chaplin justifies himself, bizarre orders are issued, Admiral Sheppard worries and there is a ridiculous fistfight. It becomes a bit clearer as to what is going on in DC and on the island. This was okay. Why does the Secretary of Defence want Chaplin and Kendal dead and the USS Colorado scuttled? Why is the selfish stroppy Kylie getting so much screen time?

Best Lines:
“He’s the enemy, just like you.”

“You guys are all dead. All of you.”

“My men are nearby.”
“And that helps you how?”
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To Light The Way To Bed

Book Reviews: The Grey King + The Book Of Cthulhu II, part 1

The Grey King by Susan Cooper

The 4th in the ‘The Dark is Rising’ sequence. Will Stanton is in Wales convalescing after an illness. There he meets the mysterious Bran and together they must find golden harp and fight the malevolent Grey King. Sadly this tale of menace and Arthurian lore is boring.

The Book of Cthulhu II edited by Ross E. Lockhart, part 1

Mores tales inspired by H.P. Lovecraft.

Shoggoth’s Old Peculiar
This Neil Gaiman tale is an affectionate pastiche that sees an American tourist wander into a pub in Innsmouth. This is very funny.

Nor The Demons Down Under The Sea
Two women visit a haunted house. This was bizarre and not in a good way.

This is How The World Ends
A man survives Cthulhu’s rise for a while. Okay.

The Drowning at Lake Henpin
A policeman relates the creepy goings on at a cursed lake. Very good.

The Ocean and All Its Devices
A strange family arrives at an off season seaside resort. Good.

Take Your Daughter To Work
Sadie accompanies her father to the factory. Good.

The Big Fish
This Kim Newman story sees a noir detective in 1940s LA stumble across fishy goings on. Very good.

Rapture of the Deep
Two psychics encounter something on the abyssal plane. Excellent.

Once More From The Top...
A very old man remembers how he and his fellow Marines were sent to clear out Innsmouth in 1928. This is bleak and okay.

The Hour of the Tortoise
This is a sequel to ‘The Infernal History of the Ivybridge Twins’. A Victorian ‘lady’ returns home. This is a funny, rude story that grows dark.

Best Line:
“I do not enjoy verbal fencing with mercurial gentlemen, that is for sharp-tongued spinsters with many cats and well-thumbed copies of Emma.”

I Only Am Escaped Alone To Tell Thee
A Lovecraft/’Moby Dick’ mashup. Okay.

Objects From the Gilman-Waite Collection
A man views an unusual art exhibit. It goes badly for him. Okay.

Of Melei, of Ulthar
I’m not sure what this was about but it was bad.

A Gentleman From Mexico
A book editor encounters Lovecraft mythology in Mexico. This was mediocre.