October 30th, 2012

Scary Books

Movie Review: The A Team (2010)

A fairly enjoyable origin story for the A Team aka Hannibal Smith (Liam Neeson), the annoying smug Face (Bradley Cooper), the ass kicking BA and the crazy Murdock. They get together, become top military intelligence types and then get framed for stealing some mysterious plates. They go on the run and are chased by Face’s ex aka DOD drone Sosa (Jessica Biel) who Murdock aptly nicknames El Diablo.

They work for General Morrison (Gerald McRaney of ‘Jericho’), ‘fly’ a tank, are bothered a smug CIA git named Lynch (Patrick Wilson), fight evil dude Pike (Brian Bloom) and stuff blows up. This was amusing and enjoyable, it could be worse I could have sat through ‘The Last Airbender’.

Best Lines:
“I take it you didn’t get religion inside.”

“Why are we in a falling tank?”
“Because the plane exploded.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Trailers & a 1999 Tape Tale

‘Ghostwatch: Behind The Curtain’ trailer
A documentary about the infamous 1992 BBC1 Halloween TV special which the BBC disavowed due to it being ‘too scary’ and ‘too realistic’. Stupid BBC, considering the current Saville scandal, the BBC should be ashamed.

‘Evil Dead’ (2013) trailer
Didn’t these morons see ‘Cabin In The Woods’? Who reads out loud from scary books? This looks bizarre.

‘Stitches’ trailer
A zombie clown who looks like a ‘Psychoville’ reject kills trashy teenagers. Looks funny.

‘Detention’ trailer
From the maker of the beyond stupid ‘Torque’ comes this bizarre looking horror.

‘The Cape’ fan movie trailer
Mmmmmm.

‘Elementary’ 1x05 promo
Uh.

Best Line:
“Idiots rely on luck.”

‘Arrow’ 1x04 promo
Uh.

‘Nikita’ 2x18 promo
Amanda vs. Nikita, I’m rooting for Amanda.

Review of ‘Coldbrook’ coming soon.

I am reading ‘Iron Winter’.

‘Iron Winter’ Quote:
Northland would not even exist, it would all have been lost under the sea before Ana was cold in her stony tomb in the wall.”

‘Smallville’ Quote:
“The whole building went ‘Resident Evil’.”

‘Modern Family’ Quote:
“What is that shirt? What are you, a flapper?”

‘My Little Pony’ ad quote:
“You’re the prettiest pony bride!”

‘The Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes!’ Quotes:
“We are kind of busy with an army of escaped supervillains.”

“If your people are following this man ape of their own free will, that’s the end of it.”

“So we need to go through Torment Forest, past Piranha Cove but we have to avoid The Chasm Of, what was it, icy clouds?”
“Chilling Mists.”

“Finally, someone to hurt.”

“Sting sting bug, sting!”

“You just let your own traitor get away.”

“Why does that man have green hair?”
“I have no idea.”

“You can’t take me to SHIELD. You’re a traitor remember.”
“Yeah I remember.”


~
Cleared out a tape from 1999. It opened with an ‘Earth: Final Conflict’ ep ‘Crossfire’ in which Jonathan Doors is running for President. His only campaign staff member seems to be his son Joshua. There is bad CGI, Liam is smug and don’t make me speak of the horror that was holo-Lili. A presidential debate turns into a disaster as resistance members are arrested en masse, the president is shot and idiot resistance member Julia was never seen again after this ep. Joshua denounces his father, the president is re-elected and Jonathan is disgraced. Cue bad acting and martial law. Joshua set it all up apparently. A later ep would reveal the Taelons had brainwashed Joshua and Jonathan would die saving him. Silly retcons. Anyway this was not good. If the resistance hadn’t been so smug and stupid, the disaster that overtook them would have been avoided.

Then came an ‘X Files’ ep ‘Monday’ in which a woman is caught in a time loop that sees Mulder and Scully die in a botched bank robber. Mulder has a mirror over his leaking waterbed. No comment. This was not good.

Then there was a ‘Star Trek: Voyager’ ep ‘Infinite Regress’ in which the ship runs across Borg debris which gives Seven DID. It seems the cube was infected with a virus by aliens who wear reject outfits from ‘Tron’. It made the Borg drones experience the true voices of the hive mind and it killed them. Seven prances around in a blue glitter body stocking overacting. This was just too much.

Best Line:
“Naomi Wildman, subunit of Ensign Samantha Wildman.”

Then finally there was a ‘Charmed’ ep ‘Is There A Woogy In The House?’ which was a Prue era ep. An earthquake unleashes a demon, there is bad dubbing and Phoebe goes evil and not for the last time either. Kit is glimpsed. A dinner party is disrupted by the thing in the basement. Prue and Piper learn there house was built on mystical ground. This was okay.
To Light The Way To Bed

Nikita 2x17 + Once Upon A Time 1x07 + Game of Thrones 1x07 Reviewed

Arising

Cassandra is a double agent for Gogol. Michael has one of his rage blackouts. Nikita whines. The ugly MI6 boss annoys. Sean whines. Semak gets his. I don’t care about Katya, Alex, Zetrov, Cassandra or the whiner that Nikita has become. MI6 are portrayed as ungrateful incompetent idiots. Katya is stupid. Ari and Amanda want Zetrov. Michael sends his son away mostly because Nikita is jealous. Stuff blows up. This was terrible.

Best Lines:
“Carla was like a mother to you.”
“Who taught me not to trust mother figures.”

“Let’s see how fast they turn on Cassandra.”


~
The Heart is A Lonely Hunter

The Sheriff gurns and kisses Emma. This causes him to start remembering his true life as the Huntsman. Flashbacks to Fairytale land show how the Evil Queen killed Snow White’s father and hired the Huntsman to do the same to her unloved stepdaughter.

Emma is rude and inappropriate. Mary Margaret talks too much. Mr Gold and his up north accent stirs the pot. The Sherriff/Huntsman is a terrible actor. The annoying moppet Henry annoys. The Evil Queen overacts. Emma and Regina have a ridiculous punch up.

The Huntsman defies the Evil Queen so she rips his heart out and turns him into her sex slave. And in Storybrooke Regina kills the Sheriff by crushing his heart. Oh she has all the charm of an armpit doesn’t she? This was okay but did that cloth eared bint Snow White ever wonder or care about the Huntsman’s fate?

Best Lines:
“There are no wolves in Storybrooke, not the literal kind anyway.”

“I shared a secret with her and she couldn’t keep it.”

“Take him to my bedchamber.”


~
You Win Or You Die

Charles Dance (of ‘Trinity’) shows up. Is he Jamie and Cersei’s dad? Ned confronts Cersei and she admits her children are Jamie’s. How very ‘Flowers in the Attic’. There are no healthy romantic relationships here.

Littlefinger preens and will not go away. A woman from beyond the wall is put to work in Stark castle. Something is stirring beyond the wall. Robert is fatally wounded and makes Ned regent.

There is an assassination attempt, Jon Snow tantrums when his Night’s Watch career doesn’t go to plan, Jorah triple deals, Drogo does not wear a shirt, the new ‘king’ tantrums, Cersei is trash and Littlefinger is on screen too much

Best Lines:
“You’ve served as a glorified body guard for two kings. One a madman, the other a drunk.”

“Your sister was a corpse and I was a living girl and he loved her more than me.”

“King Robert...murdered by a pig.”

“There wasn’t gone old man, they were sleeping and they ain’t sleeping no more.”
Scary Books

Mission Impossible (1988 - 1990) Season 1 Review, part 1

A revival/sequel series to the 1960’s spy show created because of the 1988 writer’s strike. Jim Phelps (Peter Graves) recruits a new IMF team.

The Killer
A party with hideous 1980’s outfits and hairdos ends with an obvious stuntman falling off a balcony. Cue deliciously 80’s opening credits. Jim Phelps and his folded linen face comes out of retirement and is instructed via mini laser disc to catch the killer (John de Lancie of ‘Torchwood’, ‘Breaking Bad’ and ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’).

Jim looks around his 80’s HQ and mutters: “Time does march on.”. His new team consists of master of disguise Nicholas Black (Thaao Penghlis of ‘Days of Our Lives’), tech guy Grant Collier (Phil Morris of ‘Smallville’), ornament Casey and action dude Max Harte, who while still in high school saved his big brother from a Vietnamese POW camp.

They come up with a ruse to catch the killer which would never work nowadays due to the existence of such things as mobile phones, the internet and sat nav. Cue bizarre ’London’ geography and accents. The baddie is defeated but the team then strike a heroic pose in front of him. This was okay but Casey cannot act.

The System
A trial witness dies via exploding sauna. The IMF have to take down a syndicate crime boss by turning his protégée against him. There are hijinks at a casino, the face changing masks debut and the team triumph because the mark is stupid.

Best Line:
“Connors and Marley didn’t get to the top of the garbage heap by accident.”

Holograms
Colonel Usher is a South American drug lord/dictator who rules with an iron fist alongside his sidekick Major Duvall. The IMF plan to get rid of him via holograms and the help of an annoying teenager who pretends to be Usher’s long lost son. Casey can’t act. There is no real team personal interaction. The dictator/drug lord is dumb and suffers a complete loss of dignity. This was not good.

Best Lines:
“Things like assassinations at airports make me kind of nervous.”

“People I sell drugs to have hallucinations. I don’t.”

“They’re looking for you on the water.”
“That’s were you usually find the navy.”


The Condemned
Barney Collier (Greg Morris) is locked up by a corrupt Turkish prison warden. The IMF go to spring him. Nicholas and Max pretend to be priests. Horrible 80s clothes are worn. A tacky looking stolen necklace is important, there is a ‘twist’ and bad acting. This wasn’t good.

Best Line:
“Close your mouth American!”

The Legacy
The IMF search for Hitler’s gold! Nazi officer’s grandsons are out to get 5 billion in gold bullion to recreate the reich. They must be stopped. Max has a mullet, Casey’s acting is appalling and Nicholas goes undercover as one of the grandsons.

Greg uses a phone modem, Nicholas wears a bright orange tie and smokes a cigarette in a holder. The grandsons piece together a map to the bullion which is in English for some reason. There is a bizarre hypnosis scene, a secret passageway in a graveyard and Nicholas gets slapped in the face. This was good.

Best Lines:
“Where’s Hitler’s gold?”

“So much for the fourth reich.”
Scary Books

Book Review: Brinkmanship

Star Trek Typhon Pact: Brinkmanship by Una McCormack

The minnow system of the Venette Convention has become the flashpoint for the latest bout of hostilities between the United Federation of Planets and the Typhon Pact. The Venette Convention is allowing the Typhon Pact to place bioweapons near UFP borders.

The Enterprise and Aventine are sent to put a halt to this Cuban Missile style crisis. But much is going on behind the scenes that cause events to play out unexpectedly. I do wonder how the events of this books will tie in with the events of the ‘Titan’ novel ‘Fallen Gods’. This is very good, but oddly there is not even one mention of the Typhon Pact destroying both Deep Space Nine and the Bajorian Wormhole. People do talk and wonder about what the UFP is becoming due to constant war and defriending.

Sadly Captain Ezri Dax continues being a pompous shrill irritant. Something that began way back in the ‘Mission Gamma’ books of 2002 and continues to destroy her character. This was enjoyable I look forward to the upcoming ’Cold Equations’ saga.
Hawkeye

Arrow 1x02 Review

Honor Thy Father

I’ll say this upfront. The only ‘Green Arrow’ comic I ever read was a Kevin Smith graphic novel years ago. The abomination that was the ‘Smallville’ Green Arrow soured me on the character. Oliver dons his superhero suit, when did he make that? He strikes poses - one of which seems a direct rip off of the shot in ‘Avengers’ where Hawkeye shot down an alien ship while looking in the opposite direction.

Oliver has a rap sheet (DUI, assault & battery, taxi theft and peeing on a cop) and continues his over entitled rich idiot façade. Tommy Merlyn is really really annoying. Laurel snots - she is the one who becomes a super heroine who dresses like a prostitute I know. But right now she works for CNRI, cute.

Martin Somers is the bad dude of the week. The orange Moira Queen annoys. Oliver looks like Chad Michael Murray. An unnamed Triad assassin (Kelly Hu of ‘The Scorpion King’) who wears a cheap nylon Lady Gaga wig plans to kill Laurel, Arrow and Emily (Emma Bell) who is the daughter of some dead dude.

Thea needs boot camp. Detective Lance needs to comb his hair. Is he the only cop in Starling City? The green marble floor in the Queen office is really lovely. Walter and Moira try to emotionally blackmail Oliver into working for the company.

Flashbacks reveal that Oliver was on the life raft for days with his father’s corpse. No wonder he has the flat effect of a psychopath. Tom Welling of ‘Smallville’ also had a flat effect but that was because he never learnt to act in the inexplicable 10 years that show was on air.

This was good. Thea annoys. Why are Oliver and Robert’s headstones in the back garden? Why was the fight scene in the apartment so badly edited? When did Oliver learn to throw knives accurately, speak Chinese and make multi purpose arrows? What happened to the face paint Oliver wore in 1x01? Why did Moira plan to kill her family? Who else was on the island?

Best Lines:
“I’ll make you swallow that Nikon.”

“My father’s CFO now sleeps down the hall from me.”
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