October 23rd, 2012


Wolf Lake 1x05 Reviewed

Excitable Boy

Tyler Creed is gross with Miranda. So when she is assaulted, Kanin suspects him. Miranda is not a Wolf Lake native after all. Both she and Kanin seem unaware of what the Wolf Lake residents are despite ample clues like the creepy statue near the dive bar.

If anyone wonders why this show was axed after only 9 episodes look no further then TPTB’s obsession with Sophia and her ‘romance’ with thug Luke. Sophia can’t act, the Sherriff wants her to go to college in Italy and it seems Sophia takes after her daddy and not her human mother.

As for Miranda? She is dismissed by the er doctor and everyone else as a pillhead nutcase. Mr Cates’ turns out to have an evil brother. Ruby wears a coat with a fur collar. Why is a werewolf wearing fur? Ruby sulks as her jackass father wants her to marry Tyler Creed. Ruby tries on a truly ugly wedding dress and her stepmother is vile.

Miranda’s attacker gets justice not that Miranda will ever know about it. The werewolves aren’t allowed to leave Wolf Lake and it’s shallow gene pool. Someone tries to kill Mr Cates. This show could have been better.

Best Lines:
“You flip open like a cheap suitcase.”

“Ted Kennedy is still alive. Oh yes he is.”

“I have a goldfish at home and it’s waiting for dinner.”

“Justice is not only blind, she’s deaf, dumb, has a flabby ass and walks around on one leg.”
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Scary Books

Nikita 2x16 + Once Upon A Time 1x06 + Game of Thrones 1x06 Reviewed


Percy tries to stir up Division to rebel against Amanda. Alex is in Russia looking to reclaim her birthright. Sean shows up to annoy. Nikita, Birkhoff, Michael and Carla do boring stuff. Nikita whines and then she and her gang learn Ryan Fletcher isn’t dead. I don’t care about Sean, Ryan Fletcher or Alex’s stupid mother. This boring episode gave us an idiot gunfight, a death and a revelation.

Best Lines:
“She left you duct taped to a swingset.”

“I’ve seen hoarders with better organisational systems.”

“I really hope for his sake that’s not a euphemism.”

“Open fire on everything.”

The Shepherd

David (the former Prince Charming) returns home with his irritating wife. Henry blathers about the curse, how does he know? David regards his wife as disposable and plans to run off with Mary Margaret and her bad haircut. I don’t care about the droning David/Mary Margaret tedium.

In fairytale land, the King of wherever (Alan Dale of ‘Lost’) loses one son. But needs to seal a treaty with King Midas. So he makes a deal with the overacting Rumpy - why do people keep on doing that?!? He can’t get his dead son back but he can get his dead son’s long lost identical twin brother to pretend to be his dead son. So that’s how a sheep herder became Prince Charming. Okay I didn’t see that coming. Fake son and fake dad have to bond.

Meanwhile in the tedious Storybrooke plotline: the irritating Dr Whale irritates, Regina and her bad overacting irritates, Emma and Mary Margaret drama queens and then David remembers his disposable wife and decides to stick it out. This was okay.

Best Line:
“Did I not mention there was another?”

A Golden Throne

Two families are nudged toward war because they are so arrogant and dumb. The Queen is a snot, Ned is left to run the kingdom while Robert is off being useless, crass and vile. The Stark’s ward is ill-used. The Starks are morons, one and all. The Horse Lord Queen eats a raw horse heart. Her brother is a moron. Meanwhile the imp escapes his cell and his captors. Lady Stark is a twit, Robert is gross, Ned makes pronouncements, Sansa is a spoilt brat and the Prince orates. This was bored. Ned realises something. The Horse Lord gets rid of his annoying brother in law after the moron runs his mouth one time too many.

Best Lines:
“She truly is a Queen today.”

“Sometimes possession is an abstract concept.”

“You are no king.”

“This time find a smaller cell with a steeper floor.”

“He was no dragon. Fire cannot kill a dragon.”

Ponderings, trailers and loads of stuff

‘Arrow’ 1x03 promo

Hawkeye has some ill luck does he not? In the ‘Avengers’ movie, he is enslaved into Loki’s service as guard, enforcer and assassin. He then attacks his staunchest ally/future love interest Black Widow without volition. Luckily she breaks Loki’s hold over him by beating the mind control out of him. Meanwhile in the cartoon ‘The Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes!’, Hawkeye is betrayed by Black Widow and falsely branded a double agent turncoat. He is locked up in the supervillain prison The Vault without trial. Of course he did manage to escape, join the Avengers and declare Black Widow his arch enemy. Poor guy.

‘Last Resort’ 1x05 promo
Looks good.

Best Line:
You want to silence me? You want to kill my crew?”

‘Elementary’ 1x04 promo

‘Fringe’ 5x04 promo
Broyles! This looks good and best of all: no Lincoln Lee!

Best Line:
“There was a time when we solved Fringe cases. It is time we created a few of our own.”

‘National Lampoon’s Senior Trip’ (1995) trailer
Jeremy Renner and his horrible hair does dated jokes. This looks lame.

‘Modern Family’ Quotes:
“Don’t you have a fraternity to pass out in?”

“Don’t you have a class to fail?”

In ‘Eastenders’, minutes after running out on his newly wed hubby Syed crawls back looking for forgiveness. Christian is too forgiving of the cheating excuse generating liar. However Syed’s family let him know what they really think of him. Christian and Syed get their first dance but the bailiffs have taken the wedding cake as Syed stole his family’s money and reduced them to penury. 

Best Lines:
“Five minutes ago I didn’t know your son was a bigger idiot then me.”

“Get out! You get out from ruining my marriage and go and make your own husband miserable!”

“Syed got a mountain bike. I got a fountain pen.”

“Weird place Walford.”

“I just hope you two are happy. I mean this is my brother, so it’s not likely.”

‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ season 9 Issue 14 reeked.

There will be no reviews of ‘Black Opera’ and ‘Breed’.

A review of ‘Iron Winter’ is forthcoming.

I am reading ‘The Mammoth Book of Best New Horror 23’.

‘The Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes!’ Quotes:

“Avengers assemble!”
“We’re all right here.”

“People are responsible for it. Bad people.”

“Well at least he didn’t punch anyone.”

“I’ve never met a man so tired of being alive.”

“I’ll never stop Widow, ever!”

“Prepare yourselves for smiting!”

“They’re going to lead us right to their secret base. Where we’ll beat em all up.”

“Wait what did you call me...psychopath, criminal scum.”

“Never in all the nine realms have I see a creature as foul as you.”

‘The Big Bang Theory’ Quote:
“Run away dude...run fast, run far.

Cleared out a tape from 1999. It opened with a ‘Xena Warrior Princess’ ep ‘Fallen Angel’ in which Xena and Gabrielle are in the afterlife after being executed by the Romans. The Christian afterlife BTW, Hades is nowhere to be seen. Meanwhile the annoying Eli, the annoying Amazon (Jennifer Sky) and Joxer try to bring the duo back to life. Angels in idiot fluffy wings flap around, Callsito is in hell yet gets redeemed, there is bad blue screen, overacting and it is all truly stupid.

Then came an ‘Earth: Final Conflict’ ep ‘The Cloister’ in which new age Taelon worshippers in silly hats bore. Marina Sirtis guest stars. Taelons wave their hands around. The Resistance annoy and shout. This was awful.

Then came an ‘X Files’ ep ‘The Sixth Extinction: Amor Fati’ in which Smoking Man reveals he is Mulder’s daddy, Mulder hallucinates, Fowley is a terrible person and dies off screen. I don’t care.

Best Lines:
“He’s immune to the coming viral apocalypse.”

“He is what he sought.”

Finally there was another ‘Xena Warrior Princess’ ep ‘Chakram’ in which Gabby and Xena are back from the dead. Once the show turned its back on camp and Eli showed up, it all went to crap. Xena has convenient amnesia, a new chakram debuts, Gabrielle gets a new outfit and some sais. There are fight scenes and lots of yap. But nothing of note takes place.
Scary Books

Book Reviews: Zombie Apocalypse! Fightback + Irredeemable Volume 10

Zombie Apocalypse! Fightback created by Stephen Jones

This is the sequel to ‘Zombie Apocalypse!’. The Human Reanimation Virus goes on. Patient Zero Thomas Moreby plots, the infected get smart and surviving humans resist. This is told via eyewitness accounts, emails, twitter and various reports. This is an enjoyable story even if some parts are better than others. This was good.

Irredeemable Volume 10 created and written by Mark Waid

The final volume of the apocalyptic superhero saga. Qubit has a plan to save the world by offering the still unrepentant Plutonian redemption. There are revelations, grossness and an unexpected ending. This was good.

Best Lines:
“Smaller words.”

“You myopic Barbie doll.”

“Am I supposed to collapse in gratitude?”

Movie Review: 28 Weeks Later (2007)

This is an okay sequel to the disturbing ‘28 Days Later’. It opens with people hiding from the infected in a remote farm house. One of them is Don (Robert Carlyle of ‘SGU’ and ‘Once Upon A Time’). The infected attack and the not so safe house is over run. Don abandons his wife to die and he alone escapes.

Some time later the infected have all died off and reconstruction and repopulation of the destroyed UK has begun. Various military types hang out in London: sniper Doyle (Jeremy Renner), an annoying helicopter pilot (Harold Perrineau of ‘Lost’) and a doctor (Rose Byrne of ‘Insidious’).

Don made it to London and his two snotty kids arrive back from a school trip to Spain that turned into a stay in a refugee camp. The unsubtle heterochromia plot point is banged over our heads. There are creepy scenes that show NATO troops clearing up the devastated London.

Don lies to his children about their mother’s fate. The two spoilt brats sneak out of the safe zone and back to their old house. The wreckage and smell don’t bother them. They find their mother hiding in their old house. She’s a carrier and the two vile turds are about to be responsible for the second outbreak of the rage virus.

Thanks to a lack of security the Typhoid Mary mother infects Don and chaos begins. Doyle abandons his post and he, the doctor and the horrible kids try to escape. There is murk, fire bombing and chemical weapons. Doyle and the doctor both die horribly while the stupid bloody kids (one of whom is a carrier) make it to France and infect mainland Europe with the rage virus! Nice going you stupid selfish brats. This was okay with a downer ending. But why did all the interesting characters die and the stupid kids get to live and doom the world?

Best Lines:
“It’s been five days since your boyfriend ran out on us. If he’s still breathing which I doubt. It won’t be the pasta he’s interested in.”

“It’s just us in here and them out there.”

“There are a large number of bodies still left to be cleared from the original outbreak of infection. Rats and wild dogs are prevalent as is disease.”

“The last infected human died six months ago.”

“What if it comes back?”

“You ought to have seen the refugee camps Dad. There were twenty of us in each tent and chemical toilets!”

“It’s only dogs and rats out there.”

“Shoot everything!”

Arrow (2012 - 2020) 1x01 Review


Oliver Queen was stranded on an island for five years - was it the ‘Lost’ island? He is rescued and heads home to Starling City to his vapid friends and family. He plans to become a vigilante. The Queen mansion is Lex’s mansion from ‘Smallville’. Oliver learns his mom Moira (Susanna Thompson of ‘Star Trek: Voyager’) got remarried to the sneaky Walter (Colin Salmon of ‘Hex‘), his sister is a whiny druggie and his former girlfriend Laurel (Kate Cassidy of ‘Supernatural’ and ‘Harper’s Island’) is now a snotty lawyer.

Oliver has flashbacks to the family yacht Queen’s Gambit sinking which lead to the death of Laurel’s sister Sarah who Oliver was banging on the side. Oliver’s flashback hair is horrible, it makes him look like ‘Dexter‘.

Oliver hangs out with his BF Tommy, is bothered by thugs and gets a bodyguard named Diggle. Oliver creates a superhero lair and targets a bad dude named Adam Hunt (Brian Markinson). The jackass Detective Lance (Paul Blackthorne) bothers Oliver. But Oliver debuts as a superhero and fights cops and Adam Hunt’s thugs.

Oliver seems messed up and the flashback to his father Robert (Jamey Sheridan of ‘The Stand’, ‘Babylon Fields’ and ‘Homeland’) doing some cold equations on the lifeboat goes some way to explaining why. This was good, I’ll be watching. Let us never speak of the dreadful 'Green Arrow' blight that ruined ’Smallville’. When did Oliver learn to fight and build trick arrows? Where did the list of names come from? Why was there a mask on a stick on Ollie's island?

Best Lines:
“That is not going to finish well.”

“Mr Ivy League dropout.”

“What’s ‘Twilight’?”
“You’re so better off not knowing.”

“Untraceable? It’s 40 million dollars! Find it!”

“That’s what happens when your sister dies while screwing your boyfriend.”

“We’ll put out an APB on Robin Hood.”