August 29th, 2012

To Light The Way To Bed

Book Review: Bitter Seeds

Bitter Seeds by Ian Tregillis

This is a look at an alternate universe in which Nazi super science created sociopath psychics to fight in WW2. England fights back with blood magic and warlocks. The jerk ‘hero’ Marsh manages to mess things up. This is book 1 of a trilogy but I won’t be reading books 2&3.

This just grates. Marsh is a book ruining jackass, the Nazi psychics can’t be beaten and the warlock Will gets beat down by his ‘best friend’ all the damn time. I was more interested in Will and his Lovecratian bargains than Marsh and his self obsessed ranting. This was a horrible book with a downer ending.

Best Line:
Today the air tasted like the stones at the bottom of a centuries old well. The bones of the earth steeped in tainted water and the shells of dead snails.”
PromNight2

True Blood 4x08 + Revenge 1x18&1x19 Reviewed

Spellbound

Jason saves Jessica from burning up, damn. She is a murderer and Bill is a tool who makes it all Antonia’s fault. Eric and Sookie feed off each other. Andy craves V. The werewolves decide to stay out the vampire/witch war. Antonia rants, Tara agrees, Hoyt throws Jessica out and a ghost lurks.

Sookie and Eric do more weird sex stuff. Sookie reminds me of that Madonna lyric ‘If I’m smart then I’ll run away, but I’m not so I guess I'll stay’. The werewolf Alpha Marcus has issues with Sam and Luna.

Sookie is a twit. Tommy is up to his dumb tricks again. Jason throws Jessica out too. Bill is a moron. Pam is a jerk and a fight breaks out. This was good.

Best Lines:
“Dead vampire. Should I call the coroner or sanitation?”

“It’s the only time I ever feel like I’m not watching myself not living up to people’s expectations and hating those people for having expectations and thinking about hitting them in the head with a bat.”


~
Justice

It’s suddenly Day 15 of Daniel’s trial. Nolan wears a hideous sweater. Victoria plans jury tampering and it is implied the same thing happened at David Clarke’s trial. Mini-Frank aka Lee does thug stuff. Declan needs a haircut and a smack. Victoria and her artist lover do boring stuff. Jack and Emily bore. Daniel is a terrible judge of character.

Daniel yells, drinks, shoves and violates house arrest. Conrad does bad stuff and the Grayson’s sins go deeper than Emily realised. This was bad.

Best Lines:
Last summer I got wasted, crashed my car and nearly paralysed my girlfriend. This summer I shot my best friend.”

“What on god’s earth have you done Victoria?”

“He doesn’t want your drug use to hurt Daniel’s case more than it already has.”


~
Absolution

Nolan wears another hideous sweater. Emily finds out Nolan has being hiding stuff from her. An evil dude (James Morrison) lurks. Charlotte is a junkie. Daniel is a free man. Victoria plans to show what Conrad really is to the world. Ashley gets a new job.

What was the point of the Emily/Victoria’s divorce lawyer plot? Where has grandfather Grayson gone? Who is evil dude? Is he one of the group who downed the plane? Why did they down a plane anyway?

Jack warns Daniel about his family of vipers. Daniel makes a not unexpected choice despite finally learning what was done to David Clarke and “his innocent baby girl”. This was good. What outcome are Daniel, Emily and Victoria seeking in all this?

Best Lines:
Absolution is a mercy the people who killed him will never know.”

“The suffering you so glibly spread around will come back at you tenfold.”

“The Hamptons are filthy with ambitious young girls like you.”

“What about Victoria?”
“What you and Victoria have yet to grasp is just how little she matters, to anyone.”
Scary Books

Quotes of the Day

Teenage Exorcist’ (1991) trailer
Silly SFX, bad make up, looks stupid.

Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace’ trailer
Hee.

I’m not interested in the new ‘Supernatural’ novel ‘Rite of Passage’.

Reviews of ‘Breaking Bad’ season 3 forthcoming.

I am reading ‘Oceans of Space’.
~
‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“The cable stays, the foot has spoken.”

“Your door wasn’t locked in any serious way.”

“I’m afraid that cable has become an evil presence in our home.”


Raising Hope’ Quotes:
“I enjoy Jack Black for 30 seconds at a time.”

“I told you not to answer the door after we got you back from the Jehovah’s Witnesses!”

“An addiction to toilet wine.”

“If I still loved you, this would be very disappointing.”

"We're gonna be famous in the wrong way, like that no-name actor from ‘Lost’ who married that sixteen-year-old girl!"


‘Bring Up The Bodies’ Quote:
“No one need contrive at her ruin. No one is guilty of it. She ruined herself. You cannot do what Anne Boleyn did, and live to be old.”
Dollanganger

Movie Review: Flowers In The Attic (1987)

I ADORE the book but this movie was terrible. Corrine (Victoria Tennant) returns to her remote fortress like childhood mansion to win back her billionaire father’s love and inherit his fortune. To aid this, she locks her four children in the attic and she does not want to share. Somehow the movie manages to make all the gothic creepiness banal. The Grandmother (Louise Fletcher of ’Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’) is creepy and the wailing Enya soundtrack is mostly okay. But Chris and Cathy (Kristy Swanson of ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’, ‘The Chase’ and ‘Hot Shots!‘) don’t look 14 and 12, the child actors playing Cory and Carrie are dreadful and the plot is wildly changed.

The original choice of director was Wes Craven but he was sadly kicked to the curb. Damn, now he would have made this film good. The four children are locked in the attic. The Grandmother is mean. John lurks. Corrine is a terrible mother. The windows are shuttered and barred, the children are dim and too trusting of their mother.

They have zero reaction when the Grandmother reveals the gross fact that Corrine ‘married’ her uncle. There is bad acting, the grating screeching harpy Corrine obviously does not care about her children as they sport bad haircuts and chalky make up.

There is an emotional disconnection from this film as everyone is dim. Corrine plans to marry the surly Bart. Cory dies. Chris, Cathy and Carrie realise mom has been giving them poisoned doughnuts. They get out of their prison and find a copy of Grandfather’s will just lying around.

As Corrine strides around in her really ugly wedding dress, she is about to be confronted on her greed by her unwanted children. The ending is stupid. This is not good, maybe it’ll be remade at some point.

Best Lines:
“Obey your grandmother and never never give her any reason, any reason at all to punish you.”

“Your mother’s marriage was unholy! She did not fall from grace, she leapt!”

“So what’s to become of us mom?”

“Mother’s known all this time that we could never be found.”
“She never meant for us to leave that attic.”

“Eat the cookie!”
Scary Books

Good & Evil 1x01 + A Touch of Cloth, part 2 Reviewed

Good & Evil (1991) 1x01

This was a short lived Teri Garr sitcom that co-starred Lane Davies (of ‘Lois & Clark’ and ‘Santa Barbara’) and Seth Green. It had delightfully odd and creepy opening credits. However the reason why it was short lived soon becomes clear when the good one of the title Jenny runs around uttering unfunny lines and doing unfunny parody of daytime soaps. Jenny is a scientist and is the favourite of her mean mother.

The evil one is Denise (Garr) who is the unfavourite. She is a beauty mogul and as soon as she shows up on screen the show improves. I’m on Team Denise already. Denise is tired of being unloved and overlooked and vows to steal her mom’s job and ruin everyone’s lives for hating her. It’s like ‘Revenge’ but from 1991!

Jenny soon shows up again to bore. She has a mute daughter and a surly looking idiot son (Green) and her presumed dead husband who fell off Everest years ago has just been found alive by some scientists. Yawn. Denise’s boyfriend Eric (Davies) plans to ditch her for Jenny. Why?!? But Denise puts a stop to that. Jenny is annoyed she can’t steal Denise’s man. This was okay but for some reason the characters said it was 1987.

Best Lines:
“You’re spitting on the Oriental rug.”

“You always liked Jen best.”
“She was cuter dear. You were not a very attractive child.”

“You sent me away to that school in Peru.”
“Denise you came home for Christmas.”
“But you weren’t here.”

“You’re married.”
“Only legally.”

“I’m a doctor Denise. Do you think that excites me?”


~
A Touch of Cloth, part 2

Cloth wipes away crime! Cloth and Oldman have discovered the connection between the murder victims. There is a revelation, a wall of crazy, a Todd Carthy cameo, an idiot ending and this is not as funny as part 1. Bollocks to this.

Best Lines:
“Some things are best left in the past like Smallpox and the Macarena.”

“It was 1996 for god’s sake. Babylon Zoo were number one for five weeks. People needed hope.”

“An entire building full of innocent people dead because of me, for the fifth time this year!”

“Help me lick the blood off this sword.”

“Shoot me and I’ll bleed in your face.”

“You’re facing the sack.”
“But...”
“The sack, Cloth!”