August 27th, 2012

Scary Books

Trailers + Tape Tales of 2002&2001

The Tall Man’ trailer
An urban legend steals children, very ‘IT’. Jessica Biel who wears no make up fights the urban legend when it steals her child. This looks decent.

‘Anna Karenina’ promo
Oh it’ll all end in tears.

‘Suburgatory’ Quote:
“Go burn off that mint.”

‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“Please avoid the superstitious panic which marked the recent lunar eclipse.”

“Springfield’s unending nightmare: the Simpsons.”

“That is not banishment hearing behaviour.”

“Bart’s pranks which dwindle in humour as they rise in destruction.”

“If you see a Simpson do not try to reason with it. Just kill it.”

Cleared out two tapes. The first was from 2002 and opened with the season 6 ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ ep ‘Seeing Red’ in which Buffy is self absorbed, the tracking is way off, Amber Benson is in the opening credits and Willow and Tara are apparently living in Buffy’s house. The Trio do crap. This bored. Xander makes everything all about him. TPTB brushed Spike’s crime under the rug and pretended it never happened. Xander dispenses sage advice. Andrew cheers on Warren to kill Buffy, another thing TPTB brushed under the rug. Warren shoots Tara. Nobody but Willow notices or cares. Willow overacts yet somehow this ep is all about Spike.

Then came an ‘Angel’ ep ‘Forgiving’ in which baby Connor is gone, Justine is creepy, the White Room appears for the first time, there are cringe worthy fights and Wesley had his brain rotted by hubris.

Then there was a season 4 ‘Charmed’ ep ‘Bite Me’ in which Paige continues her smug war of attrition against Phoebe and Cole’s marriage. Elizabeth Gracen of ‘Highlander: The Raven’ shows up as a vampire queen. Cole overacts, Paige is rude and slut wear is worn. This bored.

Finally there was a ‘Smallville’ ep ‘Crush’ which guest starred Adam Brody of ‘The OC’ as Justin, a boy with ‘Carrie’ powers. Clark is obsessed with Lana. There is bad CGI. Chloe’s life revolves around Clark paying attention to her. She was an emotional vampire. In the final scene Clark and Lana make sexy eyes at each other during the funeral of her boyfriend’s father. Crass.

The second tape was from 2001 and opened with a season 5 ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ ep ‘Checkpoint’ in which the Watchers Council visit. They are unimpressed with the wretched and undisciplined Buffy. Glory and her idiot unwashed minions do crap. Nobody stakes Spike. This ep should be flushed down the nearest sewer due to its wretched conversational rifts and ghastly messes of nauseating sentimentality. Glory shows up in Buffy’s house and for some inane reason does not kill her and Dawn.

Then came the pointless ‘Angel’ ep ‘Blood Money’ in which Wesley, Cordelia and Gunn continue their split from Angel. Meanwhile Angel glowers in shadows and Anne runs a homeless shelter after her stint as a vampire groupie back in season 2 ‘BTVS’. She was one of the few Sunnydale High alumni to get and keep an actual job.

Then came a ‘Cleopatra 2525’ ep ‘Pod Whisperer’ in which Hel is chased by Baileys, stuff blows up and there was bad CGI. This bored but the show did have a delightful cheesy theme song. Then came a ‘Jack of All Trades’ ep ‘One, Two, Three: Give Me Lady Liberty!’ in which the statue of liberty is on the island prior to being shipped to the USA. There are silly accents and a bad ‘Planet of the Apes’ homage. This was stupid.

Finally there was a ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’ ep ‘Allegiance’ in which Picard is abducted and ends up in a locked room. Sadly this is not ‘SAW’. Meanwhile a Picard doppelganger strides around the ship shouting. This had bad makeup, overacting and was overwrought.
Scary Books

The Walking Dead 2x12&2x13 + Missing 1x07 Reviewed

Better Angels

The gang kill zombies with pitchforks and shovels. Rick makes another speech. Carl is still wandering around by himself. Everyone is to move into Hershel’s house. Lori is the Lana Lang of this show, everything has to revolve around her and she must be pampered at all times.

Lori slobbers over Shane again. She and everyone else on this show is repugnant. Shane deals with Randall. This was okay but too much of season 2 was stagnant and repetitive and focused on mundane issues. Shane and Rick have yet another showdown. A bunch of zombies suddenly shows up.

Beside The Dying Fire

Where did the helicopter come from? Why were no lookouts on watch? Why isn’t the farm protected? Why do these morons act like they’ve never seen a zombie movie? Carl whines as does the useless Lori. The groups splits apart during ‘The Night of the Living Dead’ style chaos.

Characters nobody cares about become walker chow. Andrea is abandoned and the farm is lost. Maggie panics and has a cry because she is useless. Carl needs a slap. The gang are a pack of selfish idiots.

Rick rants and finally reveals what he was told at the end of season 1. The lazy thankless gang moan and whine. Lori won’t acknowledge what her pot stirring led to. Rick has had it with the selfish lazy loads he has to protect. A new character shows up. This was good.

Best Lines:
“It’s like a plague. They’re everywhere.”

“It’s my farm.”
“Not anymore.”

“This isn’t a democracy anymore.”

Measure of a Man

Becca is questioned about an mission that went very very wrong back in 1999. Becca responds with belligerence. Michael and Oksana bore as every other word they utter is insulin. Dax is a moron. It seems various baddies encountered so far of minions of Suspect Zero.

Idiot in charge Jamie Ortega (Gina McKee) threatens to send Becca to Gitmo. There is bad bad blue screen. There are flashbacks, sap and a horrible little kid. There are obvious twists and one unexpected one. This was bad, bad, bad.
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: A View To A Kill + My Stepmother Is An Alien

A View To A Kill (1985)

This was Roger Moore’s last Bond outing as the sexist geriatric spy. He faces down psychopath Max Zorin (Christopher Walken) and his bevy of henchmen and henchwomen including May Day (Grace Jones).

The opening credits are a horrible mess of blacklight rubbish, Bond Girl Stacey (Tanya Roberts) is terrible and the acting is bad. May Day wears OTT outfits, Zorin is weird and has a creepy head of security (Patrick Bauchau of ‘The Pretender’). There is a two second appearance by Dolph Lungren as a KGB guy. Zorin does a villain speech over a model. He plans to change the world and has a lot of people willing to help him.

There is outdated technology, bad innuendo, Zorin rewards his minions loyalty with treachery and it all becomes silly. There is a showdown on the Golden Gate Bridge with bad blue screen and Zorin waving an axe. This was okay if viewed with judicious use of the fast forward button.

Best Line:
“What would you be without us? A biological experiment? A physiological freak?”

My Stepmother is an Alien (1988)

An idiot scientist (Dan Aykroyd) ends a radar signal to another galaxy and get a reply in the form of Kim Basinger to the horror of his brat daughter (Alyson Hannigan). This had bad SFX and forced comedy.
Scary Books

Book Reviews: The Eternal Tide + Blind Faith

Star Trek Voyager: The Eternal Tide by Kirsten Beyer

This has a fugly cover. Voyager continues to look for evidence that the Borg are gone for good, no foolies. This leads to a follow up to the ep ‘Unity’. Fleet Commander Eden’s boring quest to find herself leads to boring crap happening. There are Q, the foul counsellor is foul and there is a over abundance of techno babble.

An old face returns and is as big a wonk as ever. A threat is uncovered and blah blah blah. This was a disappointing mess.

Best Lines:
“They were from a galaxy so distant we’ve never actually seen it.”

“A more pompous, insubordinate, and generally unpleasant officer has never been admitted to Starfleet’s ranks.”
“You don’t get around much do you?”

Blind Faith by Ben Elton

This is Elton’s prolonged rant against Facebook and its ilk. This is set in a post apocalyptic London where food and the internet are still in full supply. Society is sex obsessed, egocentric and everything is online because privacy is for perverts. Is this a reaction to the destruction of society generations ago? Who cares, Elton rants about religion, faith, humanism, vaccinations and evolution.

The smug, emotionally cold, bitter git Trafford Sewell battles to be private and protect his newborn daughter. He hates his neighbours (and they return the feeling), he patronises his wife and loathes his co-workers (they mostly return the favour). Trafford while on his never ending quest to be morally superior stumbles upon a secret cabal of vaccinators/humanists and because he is stupid, sets in motion the destruction of his family.

This is okay, the story is interesting but is bogged down by rants, exposition dumps and a unpleasant streak of misogyny

Best Lines:
“I find your point threatening. You are making me feel uncomfortable!

“They burn Vaccinators.”
“Only when they catch them.”

“His mother had always told him that the best way to deal with bullies was to stand up to them, but since standing up to bullies like Lovebud might easily result in smear campaigns and denunciations to the Inquisition he had never seen the theory put into practice.”

Nikita 2x08 + A Touch of Cloth part 1 + Bad Sugar Reviewed

London Calling

Michael goes to London to bond with Cassandra and their son. Alex does Percy a favour. Cassandra’s ‘friend’ Nigel is a git. Mamma’s boy Sean plans to honey trap Alex to get Nikita. Sean needs to go away. Cassandra has unexpected secrets. Michael is in peril, again. This was good.

Best Line:
“He shot you, bastard.”

A Touch of Cloth (2012) Part 1

The Rundowne Estate is the scene of a murder. Drunken maverick misery guts Jack Cloth (John Hannah) and Anne Oldman (Suranne Jones) investigate. A shrew in forensics fancies Cloth, his boss is horrible, more murders occur and Piers Morgan is mocked. This is an amusing pastiche of overwrought cop shows from the guy who gave us 'Dead Set' and ‘Black Mirror’.

Best Lines:
“This is Maniac FM, the number one station for psychopaths tenderly stroking potential murder weapons in dimly lit lairs nationwide. Now to get you in the mood, here’s the new single from JLS.”

“Never been found dead before, so this is out of character.”

“A sustained and frenzied attack without mercy or toilet breaks.”

“Can you think of anyone who might have wanted your husband to come to harm?”
“Have you seen his TV show?”

“He’s as popular as piss flavoured birthday cake.”

An antique of a bygone era like MySpace or The News of The World.”

“Police have appealed for witnesses and asked the public not to turn up at the scene and stand around staring like ghoulish meercats.”

“People in courtrooms can be so judgemental.”

Bad Sugar (2012)

A one off spoof from Channel 4 which mocks bygone soaps like the dire ‘Dirty Sexy Money’ and ‘Titans’. Lucy the horrible gold digger marries the repressed son (Peter Serafinowicz) of a mean old mining magnate.

Her new sisters in law are Daphne the mean drunk and Joan the idiot. There is talk of poisoning, a new will, plotting, bad marriages and shagging. There is a hot vicar and Simon the handyman is dim. Everyone wants the family patriarch to die so they can get his money but he has a surprise for them. This was funny.

Best Line:
“If you’re scared of a bee just think it’s a wood louse with an overcoat and fairy wings.”
Scary Books

Jericho Season 4 Issue 1 Reviewed

Allison is working for Jennings & Rall. Jake and Hawkins keep secrets which I assume will backfire on them horribly at some point. Mimi’s knocked up. Skyler wants Dale to stop acting like he is ‘The Godfather’. The civil war still looms. There continues to be no point to Emily. This was okay but the art was iffy and I’m not exactly sure what was going on. Plus, what about the EMP? Its effects must have worn off or something.
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