June 19th, 2012

Scary Books

Primeval 5x01 Review

Phillip is sinister, Abby wears a ratty wig, Connor is stupid, Jess is useless eye candy, Becker stands around in the background and Matt is annoying and gets too much screen time. Phillip blathers about New Dawn. No-one mentions Cutter or Ryan. Connor lies and is useless.

There is a rip-off of an iconic moment from ‘Jurassic Park’. Giant insects attack and it looks like a bad Ray Harryhausen movie. Connor is thick and the plot is idiot. This was dumb.

Best Lines:
“Why they call them roadworks, when there’s never any work going on?”

“If you were an insect would you want to eat Connor?”

“How many?”
“More then I’m entirely happy with.”
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Trailers & Stuff

Reviews forthcoming of: ‘Breed’, ‘Mammoth Book of Best New Horror 23’, ‘The Wild Ways’, ‘Persistence of Memory’, ‘Captain Vorpatril’s Alliance’, ‘Furious’, ‘Red Hand’, ‘Altitude’, ’The Outstanding Mysteries of Sherlock Holmes’, ’The Moon and The Sun’, ’Missing’ and season 2 of ‘Nikita’.

Reviews will not be forthcoming of: ‘Twilight’s Dawn’ or the final book in the ‘Newsflesh’ trilogy ‘Blackout’. The ‘Newsflesh’ trilogy is an example of a series that went to crap.

I am reading 'Commedia Della Morte'.

Step Up 4’ trailer
Is this a joke?

‘Diabolique’ trailer
Good vintage trailer, crap movie.

‘Twister’ trailer
Dumb vintage trailer, dumber movie.

Jersey Shore Shark Attack’ trailer
Orange Jersey types vs. sharks. It looks better than ‘Shark Attack 3’ and contains the line: “Joey Fatone just got eaten by a shark!”

‘Altitude’ trailer
Morons on a plane vs. a Lovecraftian horror. It looks good.

According To Jim’ Quote:
“Living in Illinois with a fat husband and no talent.”
Scary Books

Book Reviews: Irredeemable Volume 9 + In The Face of Death

Irredeemable Volume 9 created and written by Mark Waid

This is a crossover with ‘Incorruptible’ which I’ve never read. The Plutonian meets his parents and learns his origin story. Also we learn how the Plutonian helped turn an unhappy teenage boy into poser bad guy Max Damage. This was okay.

Best Line:
“Epiphany is not the same as absolution.”

In The Face of Death by Chelsea Quinn Yarbro

Saint-Germain’s other love Madelaine resides in America during the Civil War era and takes William Sherman as her lover. Despite plot potential, this was boring. This is the 4th clunker in the Saint-Germain cycle after ‘Midnight Harvest’, Come Twilight’ and ‘A Feast in Exile’. This was ill conceived drivel.
Scary Books

Revenge 1x04 Review


Emily sees Hamptons shrink Dr Banks who is her latest revenge target. The shrink looks like a crack whore and tapes her sessions, something Emily takes advantage of. Charlotte prances around the stately Grayson mansion. She needs to wear more clothes and the Grayson mansion looks like a CGI creation. The anorexic tramp look-alike Declan annoys and woos Charlotte - it’s like something out of the sub par ‘True Love’.

There is another party and Daniel’s ‘friend’ Tyler plots to separate him and Emily. Emily recalls how after her father’s arrest her evil shrink Dr Banks kept her locked up and berated her. Dr Banks is going to get what is coming to her and the Hamptons dirty laundry (pain pills, vodka and unloved daughters) is aired in public.

Meanwhile Conrad keeps Lydia and Nolan pokes his nose in. This was good but the idiot sub plots that involve the scummy Declan and the pot stirring Tyler are more irritating than an ep of ‘Civil Wars’.

Best Lines:
“Family can be over-rated.”

“The rich and the demented.”

“My friends are important to me. Maybe if you were nicer to yours, you’d still have some.”
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Movie Reviews: Snow White & The Huntsman + The Uninvited + The Divide

Snow White & The Huntsman (2012)

Snow White and her one facial expression (Kristen Stewart) escapes from her evil large ham stepmother Ravenna (Charlize Theron). She and an unwashed huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) run through a forest while encountering various Christian vs. pagan moments.

This is badly acted and is too long. Snow White chomps down on the creepiest poisoned apple ever while ancient evil/walking wasteland/incarnation of death Ravenna eats the raw hearts of dead birds. Snow White’s other love interest William and his arrows takes up screen time. The trio run around the place with no regard to geography or time while the director films pretty nature shots.

Snow White trips over magpies, fairies, tortoise, badgers, foxes and a giant white stag while mouth breathing and uttering terrible dialogue. Eventually after a fight involving monsters made of broken glass and Hollywood tactics Snow White and whichever love interest she’ll pick in the sequel live happily ever after in a big fancy castle. This could have been better.

Best Line:
“I was ruined by a King like you. I replaced his Queen when she had grown old.”

The Uninvited (2009)

Anna was locked up in a nuthouse after her sick mother died in a fire. She returns home to find her father has a new young sexy fiancée Rachel (Elizabeth Banks). Anna and her brat sister Alex badmouth Rachel and are disobedient disrespectful brats. There is much drama queen antics at the ominous lakeside home.

It soon becomes clear that Anna shouldn’t have been let out as she grows paranoid about Rachel. Strange stuff happens, Anna screams and tantrums and it all ends in blood. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Now she’s helping him cope, three times a night.”

“She’s like a crack whore without the dignity.”

“What have you done?”

The Divide (2011)

The lucky ones died in the blast!

This opens with an attack on NY. Is it war, aliens or something else? We never learn. A group of people in an apartment complex run for their lives and a few reach the basement. The crazy building superintendent Mickey (Michael Biehn overacting wildly) has created a fallout shelter and now he has a bunch of uninvited and unwanted guests.

It’s like ‘Flowers in the Attic’ but with nukes and a septic toilet. Pretty soon cabin fever sets in. Wendy the bratty child whines, her mother Marilyn (Rosanna Arquette) is ineffective. Sam the French guy is French. Everyone gets grim and dirty as they wait for rescue.

I’m reminded of that 80’s ‘Twilight Zone’ ep starring the guy who is the voice of Fat Tony. There is contact with the outside but it isn’t friendly. Things get worse. Mickey rants, Josh (Milo Ventimiglia of ‘Heroes’ and ‘Gilmore Girls’) sees things and loses his mind while Eva (Lauren German, the show killer of ‘Hawaii Five-0’) stares unblinking plotting how to survive.

There is body disposal, people crack and debase themselves and others, there is insanity, perversion and sickness as the survivors come to resemble CHUDS. This is good and bleak. To my surprise Lauren German who made me give up on ‘Hawaii Five-0’ is good in this film.

Best Lines:
“What was that? Another bomb?”
“It was our building coming down.”

“Uncle Mickey says we have to stay.”
“Because your face will melt off and your hair will fall out.”

“I don’t think he’s going to like what he finds out there.”

“They’re welding us in.”

“Let’s get civilised about this please.”