May 18th, 2012

Scary Books

Trailers, a tape tale & Ben&Jerry

‘Do No Harm’ preview clip
This looks AWFUL.

‘Revenge’ 1x21 promo
You’re dead to me.” – If only ‘Everwood’ had been like this.

Bedlam’ series 2 promo
I didn’t watch series 1 but is that John-Paul from ‘Hollyoaks’? I’ll give this a try.

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I wonder if the creators of ‘Sherlock’ saw that Peter Serafinowicz skit on Holmes?

How was ‘Touch’ renewed?!?

Ben&Jerry’s ‘Oh My! Apple Pie’ ice cream is yummy.

Read up on ‘Elementary’, the US rip off of ‘Sherlock’ and it sounds American and naff. I’d give it a try though.

Coming Soon: reviews of ‘Revenge’, ‘Thor’, ‘The Lost Stories of Sherlock Holmes’, ‘The Nightmare Thief’ and ‘The Book of Blood and Shadow’

Reviews of ‘The Divide’ and ‘The War of the Worlds’ season 1 are delayed.

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Cleared out a 1997 tape. It began with a ‘Xena Warrior Princess’ ep ‘A Comedy of Eros’ in which Cupid (Karl Urban and his orange bleach job) doesn’t watch his son Bliss allowing the baby to steal his love bow and arrows. So Bliss flies around making random people fall in love with each other. Joxer annoys. This was dull.

Then came a ‘Dark Skies’ ep ‘The Warren Omission’ which was a clip show centring on John testifying to said Commission and being dismissed as a loon. M12’s sole female agent Juliet (Jeri Lynn Ryan of ‘Star Trek: Voyager’) shows up to glower. RFK and his overdone accent annoys. Hoover is blackmailed. John needs to shut up. Albano sneers and Bach justifies. This was okay.

Then came a season 1 ‘Earth: Final Conflict’ ep ‘Through The Looking Glass’ in which Taelon’s are experimenting on people. Wendy Lyon of ‘Prom Night II: Hello Mary Lou’ shows up as Boone’s sister. This was boring. Then came an ‘X Files’ ep ‘Chinga’ which was co-written by Stephen King and saw Scully take on a killer dolly. This bored.

Then came the movie ‘All Tied Up’ which saw Linda (Teri Hatcher) cry over her worthless cheater boyfriend Brian (Zack Galligan of ‘Waxwork’). So she breaks up with him so Brian breaks into her house to make her take it back. So Linda’s housemate Kim (Lara Harris) ties him to the bed as punishment.

Linda, Kim and the other one (Tracy Griffith) giggle and torment the sleaze by making him watch the shopping channel. Brian is disgusting and a common little trollop. He’s not sorry for the cheating or the fact he did it with Kim years earlier and forgot all about it. This is not a horror movie BTW, it is a comedy. A really really crappy unfunny comedy.

The acting is bad, the hair is big and Teri Hatcher displays the same annoying acting tics. Brian is let go, so the walking STD abducts Linda and ties her up until she forgives him his constant cheating and agrees to marry him. That is really creepy.

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Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows’ Quotes:

So where is our next adventure of the great detective, his living emotional crutch and the sexual undercurrents between them?

Don’t you have a goat that needs worming?”

“Bad people do bad things because they can.”

“He’s nothing like as slow witted as you’ve been leading me to believe.”

“They’re dangerous at both ends and crafty in the middle.”

“Why is my ankle so itchy?”
“Because you have a large piece of wood sticking out of it.”

“I shall endeavour to find the most creative of endings for the doctor.”

“You really think you’re the only one who can play this game?”

“We both know how this ends.”
Scary Books

Movie Review: Shutter Island (2010)

I enjoyed the book but this film isn't as good. It is 1954 and US Marshals Teddy (Leonardo DiCaprio) and Chuck (Mark Ruffalo of ‘The Avengers’) arrive at an island loony bin in their baggy ill fitting suits. They are there to find an escaped patient while an overwrought score blares.

The doctors are creepy, the nurses are unhelpful, the patients are wary and Teddy has visions of his dead wife. There is endless rain and Teddy confides his fears that Shutter Island is being used for evil mind control experiments and that he was lured here. This was okay and leads to an obvious revelation.

Best Lines:
Most people don’t kill their husbands with an axe.”

“Valid fears are paranoia.”
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The Secret Circle 1x22 + Fringe 4x22 + Breaking Bad 1x05 Reviewed

Family

Eben has Faye. Charles the cut price Jeremy Renner decides to atone for all his evil with the help of his mother (Stepfanie Kramer of ‘Twin Sisters’). Diana, Cassie and John create the crystal skull and unbind the circle. Binding the circle was a dumb idea in the first place.

Diana and Jake need to shut up. John reveals himself as a creepy dad. Melissa, Jake and Faye are nearly burnt at the stake (indoors) but Dawn saves them. Eben is got rid of. John’s evil plan is revealed and he has a lot more kids then he let on.

Someone maybe dies, someone runs off, some people party, someone gets an odd gift, someone’s fate is uncertain, someone likes dark magic and someone appears to be going evil and/or possessed. This was good and ends with a group of people posed dramatically on a hill. Season 2 could have been great. Sigh.

Best Lines:
“A circle of broken, vulnerable, easy to manipulate witches.”

“Burn the weak blooded.”

“Evil princess number two.”


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Brave New World part 2

Bell is a loon. Jessica (Rebecca Mader and her terrible acting) is a baddie and has an Observer in a trap. A dead person is questioned. Bell is foiled or is he? Walter shows a unique problem solving method. Also Etta has been conceived, does Olivia have fine birthing hips? Fringe Division gets an upgrade and Broyles offers Nina a job. Doesn’t she run Massive Dynamic?

Is the reason for Etta’s uniqueness in 2036 because when she was a foetus, her mother was ‘activated’ and her father resonated at a different frequency? Also has the future seen in 2036 about to be set in motion? This was goodish.

Best Lines:
“It’s just tech that essentially lets them move very very fast. Now this gun is an invention of Doctor Bell’s; shoots faster.”

“Every rant you ever went on made perfect sense.”

“I think this is his ark.”

“They are coming.”

“Is that lemon jello?”
“These are urine samples.”


~
Gray Matter

Jesse tries to get a job but ends up cooking meth with a loser buddy. Skyler and Walt go to a party given by a rich former colleague of Walt’s. Skyler and Walt are hideously badly dressed. If Walt’s colleague went on to such huge success, why is Walt teaching a dead end job in a cruddy public high school?

Walt finds the party uncomfortable and will not accept any money or a job offered by his former college. It has something to do with a relationship with the colleague’s wife. Walt Jnr is arrested for tying to get adults to buy him beer.

Skyler, Hank, Walt Jnr and Marie hold an intervention to get Walt to go for treatment. There is yelling. Walt decides to cook more meth. This was dull and I’d rather be watching ‘Caged’.

Best Lines:
“I look like I’m wearing a prom dress from 1985.”

“I’ve got the talking pillow now.”
Scary Books

Nightmare Classics: Carmilla (1989)

This moves the classic horror tale from old gothic Europe to a pre-civil war American plantation. Marie (Ione Skye) is bored and lonely as her father Leo (Roy Dotrice) is a smothering paternal figure. Her mother allegedly ran off with a Yankee so Marie has only her kitten and dollhouse for company.

Then there is a carriage wreck and Carmilla (Meg Tilly) comes to stay. This is spooky and gothic as Carmilla wears Marie’s mother’s very low cut dress and glides around being a charming decadent parasite serial killer. Marie is only too eager to pose prettily in her billowing white dress as her vampire friend feeds on her. Remember how in ‘Moonlight’ Josef turned Mick into a vampire in a very sensual way? It’s like that.

The death of a beggar child and a maid causes Amos (Roddy McDowall) to show up to investigate. Leo and Amos plot Carmilla’s destruction as Marie and Carmilla do slo-mo running and plan to run off together. Leo is appalled at the idea of his daughter being a vampire and bellows: “She can’t have you.” It all leads to a bloody climax and an ambiguous ending. This was good and very memorable.

Best Lines:
“The bodies have to be buried or they’ll rot in this heat.”

“There are stories of sickness in the south.”

“Some friends are good for you and some are not.”

“I’d like to examine the body.”
“If you’ve just eaten, I would suggest that you wait.”

“Plague does not bite.”