‘Awake’ has been axed. Well, that didn’t take long did it? ‘Ringer’ and ’The Secret Circle’ axed, oh come on that is not cool! Siobhan has to get her’s and Adam has to go evil. ‘CSI: Miami’ also axed - WTF is the world coming to?!?
Reviews Forthcoming for: ‘Black Opera’, ‘Head Rush’, ‘The Grass King’s Concubine’, ‘The Eternal Tide’, ‘Ring of Fire III’, ‘Exit Sherlock Holmes’, ‘Honor Blade’, ‘Brinkmanship’, ‘Masque of the Red Death’, ‘New Girl’, ‘The Hunt’, ‘Outlaw’ and ‘Case 39’.
I won’t be reviewing: ‘1.4’ or ‘Hart of Dixie’ (ugh)
I like butterscotch chocolate vanilla fudge.
I am reading ‘A Dangerous Climate’.
‘Happy Endings’ Quotes:
“I haven’t see anything that unnecessarily complicated since the third season of Lost.”
“You look like a hooker I slept with in Korea.”
New Moon (2009)
Edward (the fugly Robert Pattinson) and his bad make up and irritating manner of expressing himself abandons Bella (the expressionless Kirsten Stewart). She mopes endlessly until she is distracted by Jacob (Taylor Lautner of ’My Own Worst Enemy’) and his ratty wig. Jacob has issues but Bella does not really pay attention until he takes his shirt off.
CGI wolves run around. Jacob and his man-buddies are werewolves. Bella runs off to Italy, Michael Sheen lurks as some big wig vampire and Bella turns her back on Jacob to get back with the abusive Edward. This was boring and the acting is on par with ‘Fair City’
“We chased her all the way to the Canadian border the other night.”
Event Horizon (1997)
Liberate Tutemet Ex Inferis
As Hollywood is remaking everything, they’ll probably get to this creepy Lovecraftian horror at some point. In 2040 the secret government project spaceship Event Horizon vanished. In 2047 it returned and its creator Dr Weir (Sam Neill of ‘Daybreakers’) joins the crew of a salvage vessel to recover it.
The crew Captain Miller (Laurence Fishburne of ‘CSI’ and ‘Contagion’), Peters, Starck (Joely Richardson of ‘The Tudors’), Cooper (Richard T. Jones of ‘Hawaii Five-0’ and ‘The Sarah Connor Chronicles’), Justin, DJ (Jason Isaacs of ‘Awake’) and Smith (Sean Pertwee of ‘Dog Soldiers’) are unfriendly and hostile to Weir
Weir is patronising and a jackass as he explains how the Event Horizon travelled via gravity drive which creates an artificial black hole to achieve faster than light travel. The Event Horizon’s crew is dead and Peters recovers the ship’s log on cd and the rescue team see what became of them. Miller takes one look at the log and declares: “We’re leaving.”
Weird unpleasant stuff happened to the Event Horizon crew and now it is happening to the rescue crew as Weir goes all Joey Barton. There is no escape and this is a good creepy horror.
“Where’s she been for the last seven years?”
“Well thank you for that scientific analysis Mr Smith.”
“You said the ship’s drive creates a gateway.”
“Who knows where it’s been, what it’s seen and what it’s brought back with it?”
“The reality is much much worse.”
“I created the Event Horizon to reach the stars, but she’s gone much much further than that.”
This comedy ran for two series and was overlooked. Series 1 was very good but series 2 was bad. Joyce and Jeremy Hazeldine move to the village of Little Stempington. Jeremy is the new police chief and Joyce is forcibly befriended by two rival gangs of housewives. The bad gang led by Camilla are into crime, protection rackets and violence. While Barbra and her good gang are into making teenagers clean up graffiti at gun point, keeping out low cost housing and foiling Camilla’s evil plans.
Joyce is press ganged into joining both gangs. Jeremy is blissfully unaware of what is going on. While the Hazeldine's himbo son Bill (Tom Hiddleston of ‘The Avengers’ and ‘Thor’) is stalked by Camilla’s daughter Jewel, Jeremy and his sidekick PC Haines (Tom Ellis of ‘Doctor Who’ and ‘The Fades’) do nothing all day but sit in their patrol car as Little Stempington has no crime that they are aware of.
The good and bad housewives clash. Jeremy can’t believe his eyes when he sees Little Stempington teenagers listening to a boom box that is blasting classical music while some other teenagers clean up dog mess. Joyce is horrified as Jewel and Bill hook up. Jewel and Bill inadvertently steal some of Camilla’s ill gotten gains.
Camilla has a plan to import and sell 60,000 industrial strength oestrogen patches. When a 24 hour ale house opens she decides it is a perfect place to deal from. The good housewives want the ale house gone.
But the French drug lord she stole the patches from is angry about being ripped off the money Jewel and Bill stole was for Camilla to buy the drugs with and he shows up in Little Stempington to collect payment. A charity auction turns violent, one housewife goes to jail and the feud goes on. Jeremy remains blissfully unaware of the housewives with Uzis. This was enjoyable fun, season 2 was not.
“Do that again and I’ll piss in your petrol tank.”
“World War II mortar bomb. Highly unstable. We’re peppering the topsoil with them.”
“Why are you doing that?”
“Low cost housing Joyce. We can’t allow that sort of thing in Little Stempington.”
“Ever seen what a mortar shell can do to ten ton JCB digger Joyce?”
“What was that?”
“Probably just doggers or the town perv.”
“My house is smelling like Fred West’s patio.”
“Breathe a word and I’ll hack your knackers off with a trowel.”
“Why would two rough arsed teenagers be cleaning up dog turds?”
“We’ve replaced their book money with a pile of your dad’s old caravan magazines.”
“We need to blend in. We need to think and talk like stupid common pub people.”
“I fell in love with the place.”
“Oh, because it’s clean? Because there’s no graffiti? Because there are no delinquent teenagers sniffing toilet duck in the arcade?”
“And how do you think it stays that way?”
Evil Dark: An Occult Crimes Unit Investigation by Justin Gustainis
This is the follow up to ‘Hard Spell’. A series of murders are taking place in Scranton. Stan Markowski investigates and uncovers nutters, demons, mercenaries and a whole host of bizarreness. This is a good enjoyable read.
“The wizard had better hope the demon never got out of the circle, or he was going to be a long time dying - and death would only be the beginning.”
Twins of Evil by Shaun Hutson
A novelisation of the 1971 Hammer movie. Identical twins Maria and Frieda arrive in Karnstein to live with their aunt and her fanatical witch burning husband. Maria is docile and good while Frieda is wild and untamed. Frieda seeks out the decadent Count Karnstein for adventure and gets more than she bargained for. The Count and Frieda cause mayhem until they are brought low.
This is an enjoyable pulpy tale but questions remain. Who was the vampire killing people before the Count became one? If the twins are 21 why are they at school?
“Have you ever thought that you might have helped to beat the devil into her?”
“The way you appeared, ranting and raving, I was fearful for her state of mind.”
“Woman, in what state of mind do you think I was?”
Communion Blood by Chelsea Quinn Yarbro
Set some time after the events of ‘Mansions of Darkness’, Saint-Germain is called to Rome by Niklos Aurilios. Niklos was Olivia’s loyal servant and inherited her fortune after her death in ‘A Candle for D’Artagnan’. But now a man claming to be the long lost true heir has shown up.
Niklos and Saint-Germain work to prevent Olivia’s vast estates being stolen by a fraud. Meanwhile elsewhere in Rome, a debauched family are about to come into Saint-Germain’s life and wreck havoc. This is a very good tale of 17th century baroque Rome.
Saint-Germain is as long suffering as ever as he deals with yet another woman-as-noble-burden and has a flirtation with a silly opera singer. He also mourns Olivia as he restores the old house he lived in back in ‘Blood Games’. It is however not made clear if Olivia’s remains were recovered or what became of them.