April 3rd, 2012

Scary Books

Death Valley 1x10 Review

Assault On Precinct UTF

The shrill Landry is still hanging around the UTF like a bad smell. She whines non-stop. Two LAPD officers join the UTF, one doesn’t even make it until the opening credits as zombies attack the station.

The weapons locker has been cleaned out and everyone suspects Landry of selling out to the vampires. She whines about being suspected overlooking the fact that her lying and covering up led to this.

Rico the smug vampire is locked in a cell and is still smug. A zombie is fought off with a drawer. There is lots of fighting. Landry is still not fired and people die. This was not good. I can’t stand Landry’s whining.

Best Lines:
“They were regular prisoners an hour ago.”

“Put a shirt on.”

“We’re literally taking shots in the dark out there.”
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Scary Books

A Trailer & Stuff

‘Modern Family’ Quotes:
“Do you know what a doll is in my village? An apple on a fork.”

“Your hair just came back when you turned 50?”
“Unlike your wife.”


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Reviews forthcoming for: ‘Tiger Burning Bright’ and ‘Juggernaut’.

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Total Recall’ (2012) promo
Blah

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I am reading ‘Dark Storm’.
To Light The Way To Bed

Warehouse 13 Season 2 Review, Part 2

Around The Bend
Pete acts like a child and runs into old co-worker Kate (Tia Carrere of ‘Relic Hunter’). Pete suspects that Regent Valda (Mark A. Sheppard of ‘Supernatural’) is corrupt. Claudia is arrogant, obnoxious and self obsessed. There is unsubtle writing. Valda lurks. Myka thinks Pete is drinking again.

Pete overacts. Myka is useless and weepy. Pete screams. This was okay but suffers from an essential lack of seriousness and is feather light.

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For The Team
Myka and Claudia go on a mission. Lindsay Wagner guest stars as Artie’s love interest. What happened to his obsession with James’ wife? Myka and Claudia investigate strange goings on involving a college wrestling team. Pete acts like a moron again. HG Wells shows up to annoy and demonstrate that she can’t act. Myka falls for the line of BS that HG is spewing. This was idiotic and full of bad acting.

Best Line:
“Pain, lots, not good.”

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Merge With Caution
Claudia and Artie do boring crap. Pete takes his shirt off again. Myka goes to her school reunion. Pete and Myka switch bodies in a frenzy of truly bad acting. This show is dead to me.

Best Line:
“They were trapped in the ice you know for two years. They still had the good sense not to open that.”

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Vendetta
Pete and Myka’s old boss is murdered. Artie gives us his back-story. HG Wells and her dreadful acting show up. No-one has yet explained how she and James ended up working together. The soap opera about Claudia’s love life is still being dragged out. There are horrible murders and Myka is stupid beyond words as she convinces a Warehouse big wig (Faran Tahir of 2009’s ‘Star Trek’) to hire HG Wells back as a Warehouse agent. The stupid, it burns!

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Where And When

HG Wells shows off her time machine and sends the moronic Myka and Pete back to 1961. TPTB have been watching ‘Mad Men’. Pete and Myka stumble around 1961 trying and failing to be Don and Betty Draper, they meet the 1961 boss (Armin Shimmerman), a red herring suspect (David Anders of 'Heroes') and somehow overlook the obvious baddie. Season 2 has gone down the toilet due to the writers making everyone a moron.

Best Lines:
“This is probably going to hurt.”
“It already does, a lot.”


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Buried
Pete makes out with his vet girlfriend. Warehouse 2 has been found under the Egyptian desert. Pete, Myka and HG Wells head off to ‘Egypt’ and pose against bad bad blue screen. Valda dies. And guess what? HG Wells has been a baddie all along. Duh! This was terrible.

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Reset
Pete and Myka make the stupidest escape ever. HG Wells is rebuilding a Minoan weapon of mass destruction so she can end the world by triggering the Yellowstone super volcano. TPTB have HG in season 3 and so I’m done with this show. The bad writing, the turning everyone into a moron and HG Wells who can’t act stuffed into the show have killed my enjoyment,

Pete nearly gets axed to death, HG Wells waves around a huge trident and we expected to believe that James wanted to end the world? No he didn’t. This has a stupid ending and so I’m done. End of.

Best Lines:
“Resurrection is a dangerous practice and always comes at a price.”
Yeah look at Mickey Rourke.”
PromNight2

Movie Reviews: Prom Night III + The Descent

Prom Night III: The Last Kiss (1989)

Mary Lou (now played by Courtney Taylor) is back in this bad sequel. ‘Prom Night II’ was enjoyable horror, this is a terrible mess of camp unfunny comedy. Alex (Tim Conlon) is a moron with delusions of grandeur. One night at Hamilton High, he runs into Mary Lou in the school corridors and she falls for him.

Since when is an idiot like Alex the type of guy Mary Lou goes for? Why is there no mention of the events of ‘Prom Night II’? How was Mary Lou in hell? Why did TPTB change Mary Lou’s outfit from pink ballerina style dress, white gloves and pearls to a tacky purple sequin minidress?

It gets worse. When Mary Lou uses her powers, purple lightening flies around. The Hamilton High students wear horrible 80s hair and clothes. The new principle is an idiot. The image is grainy and there is terrible acting. Alex’s best friend Shane is a twit, Alex’s girlfriend Sarah annoys and looks like she is 30. Alex claims to care for Sarah but does it with Mary Lou within seconds of meeting her. Why are we supposed to care about the lying cheating slacker Alex?

Alex whines non-stop about his ‘average’ life. But he’s in the school band, plays football and has a BF and a girlfriend. What has he got to moan about? But Mary Lou listens to his moaning and decides to ‘improve’ Alex’s life like a good 50s housewife. She starts by turning his biology teacher into a desert product. The biology teacher is not Mr Craven from ‘Prom Night II’. Were TPTB allergic to continuity?

Mary Lou casts her evil eye around on school bully Andrew (Dylan Neal of ‘Blood Ties’ and ‘Babylon 5: Legend of the Rangers’) and the guidance counsellor who wears a cheap wig. Alex is selfish and buries the bodies on the football field. Alex is a controlling moron who thinks he can boss around an undead prom queen with supernatural powers. There is an utterly unsexy sex scene. Alex then ditches Mary Lou.

Alex poses with his new motorbike, whines about Mary Lou and is a moron. He is such a moron, he fails to notice a truck heading to the school that has ‘Bob’s Sod Farm’ emblazoned on the side. Uh oh Alex is in trouble and things get dumber.

Prom night rolls around and Mary Lou does not care about being queen, all she wants is Alex. Sarah shows up to the dance in a bizarre dress that is half black velvet and half green taffeta and it is one sleeved and has a slit and a train. Sarah wants her man back, why?

Alex, Sarah and Mary Lou end up in hell where Mary Lou rules over an eternal prom. Here the idiot plot gets even stupider. This was bitterly disappointing. Alex remains a moron right until the end. The film ends with Mary Lou triumphant once again and that’s the last we saw of her as she does not appear in ‘Prom Night IV: Deliver Us From Evil’.

Best Lines:
“The strange noises, the mysterious earth tremors, the vanishing students, these are all in the past. Even the sudden and unexplained fire which destroyed part of this very gymnasium couldn’t keep us down.”

“Medical school.”
“I don’t think so...not all of us can be doctors...the world needs ditch diggers too.”

“If you take your minds off rock videos and smoking dope, maybe this won’t be terminal.”

“I just stuffed my dead biology teacher into a cupboard.”

“They rip your heart out, show it to you, then they dance all over it with their spiked heels.”

“School sure has changed since I was a kid.”

“You really have a big heart.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Uh uh, WANNA SEE IT?”

“School’s out punk!”

“Experts agree his psychotic killing spree could be the result of bad dietary habits, rock and roll lyrics and too many horror movies.”

“Get away from my boyfriend you bitch!”


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The Descent (2005)

Sarah loses her husband and daughter in a car accident due to her husband’s bad driving. A year later her friends decide to cheer her up by taking her caving in the Appalachian mountains. What could go wrong?

This is an okay horror from the man who gave us the brilliant ‘Dog Soldiers’. The gang of women head off into the cave led by Juno, the worst friend ever. Juno has led recklessly them into a new cave and no-one knows where they are. They lose equipment and desperately look for a way out.

There find pieces of 100 year old caving equipment which clues them into the fact that there is something down there with them. There are things lurking in the dark. Hungry things. Juno (Natalie Mendoza) looks for an escape and Sarah cracks up. This is okay if murky, I didn’t bother with the sequel.

Best Lines:
“I’ve never been lost in my life.”

“Where are we?”
“It hasn’t got a name.”

“There may not be a way out.”

“We’re two miles underground, the only light down here is ours.”
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Raffles&Bunny

Book Reviews: The Titanic Tragedy + Historical Lovecraft + Swordhunt + Hotel Transylvania

The Titanic Tragedy by William Seil

Sidney Reilly gets Dr Watson to join Sherlock Holmes on a mission. Sherlock Holmes and Irene Adler’s daughter are doing some spy stuff at the behest of Winston Churchill. So Holmes, Watson and Irene Adler’s spawn head off on the RMS Titanic.

This was contrived and badly written. Professor Moriarty’s brother shows up alongside annoying cardboard characters. There are exposition dumps and this is boring.

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Historical Lovecraft edited by Silvia Moreno-Garcia and Paula R. Stiles

This is an enjoyable slim anthology of Lovecraftian encounters throughout history.

If Only To Taste Her Again
The Pharaoh Hatshepsut receives gifts from a strange land. Okay.

Shadows Of The Darkest Jade
Two Buddhist monks in ancient China stumble across an unfathomable thing. Good.

The Chronicle of Aliyat Son Of Aliyat
A man comes amongst the Philistines making promises and threats. Okay.

Silently, Without Cease
Plague ravages the Byzantine Empire. Okay.

The Good Bishop Pays The Price
By the Euxine Sea, two men encounter a mysterious book. Good.

An Interrupted Sacrifice
In Peru, a priestess finds herself the sacrifice. Very good.

The City Of Ropes
In 10th century Rome, a familial feud brings doom. Good.

Inquisitor
The Spanish Inquisition finds something in a temple in the jungle good.

Best Line:
“Something deep in those ruins knows I am there.”

The Far Deep
A great sea battle is interrupted by Deep Ones. Okay.

An Idol For Emiko
A creepy tale of a fishing village in 17th century Japan. Good

The Second Theft Of Alhazred’s Manuscript
A ‘Sherlock Holmes’ story in which our heroes look for a stolen book of arcane knowledge. Okay.

Black Hill
An oil field is the setting for this creepy tale.

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Star Trek #95 Rihannsu Book 3: Swordhunt by Diane Duane

From 2000 comes this follow up to ‘My Enemy, My Ally’ and ‘The Romulan Way’. The Romulan Empire is angry about the events of ‘My Enemy, My Ally’ and ‘The Romulan Way’ and are determined to avenge the acts of the Romulan renegades led by Ael. So a plan is set in motion.

Meanwhile Ael and Captain Kirk have to work together again. Whilst on Romulus housekeeper turned Senator Arrhae is sent on a mission for the Empire. Arrhae still fears exposure as deep cover human spy but is determined to do her duty for the Federation and the Empire.

Plans and counter plans are coming together. This is a good read with Romulan plotting, Kirk angsting and technobbbale. The story continues in ‘Honor Blade’.

Best Lines:
“The Service is the Senate’s servant. Does it not say so, in great handsome letters, right around the seal emblazoned across your main building in Ra’tleihfi?”

“So it was that Deihu Arrhae I-Khellian was sent off to spy on the Federation; and at the back of her mind Terise Haleakala-LoBrutto, sent off years ago by the Federation to spy on the Romulans, found the jest very choice.”


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Hotel Transylvania by Chelsea Quinn Yarbro

The 1st Saint Germian novel is set in Paris during the reign of Louis XV. Le Comte de Saint Germian has made his name in society for being a nobleman of charm and wit. Madelaine de Montalia falls for Le Comte. But danger lurks.

A coven of would be Satanists/decadent and bored noblemen are planning to sacrifice Madelaine. Can Saint Germian save her? This is an enjoyable read as Saint Germian meets his second great love after the ill-fated Olivia. Madelaine de Montalia also appears in her own novel ‘Out Of The House Of Life’ which sees her in Egypt.