March 27th, 2012

Scary Books

Book Reviews: Omen IV + Omen V + The Liar's Lullaby

Armageddon 2000: Omen IV by Gordon McGill

From 1983, this pulp horror continues the ’Omen’ storyline after 'The Final Conflict: Omen III'. Though Damien Thorn was stabbed by Kate in 'The Final Conflict', he was not killed according to the ritual described in 'The Omen'. So his physical body may be dead but his soul lives on. Plus Damien slept with Kate in 'The Final Conflict' and in the start of the book, she gives birth to his son before dying.

Years pass. The year is now 2000 and war is brewing as Damien's son lives hidden away. He prays to his father's body and he is mentored by Thorne Industries CEO Paul Buher. As Damien Jnr plots to avenge his grandfather’s fall, Buher has a crisis of faith.

This is good and ties up a lot of loose ends and continues the story. It is a dated view of 2000: telex machines, telegrams, CND, Arafat, Soviets and the Warsaw Pact. This and ‘Omen V’ are a far better conclusion to the ‘Omen’ movies than the terrible ‘Omen IV’ TV movie.

~
The Abomination: Omen V by Gordon McGill

After the ‘Omen’ film trilogy (‘The Omen’, ‘Damien: Omen II’ and ‘The Final Conflict: Omen III’) the story continued in ‘Armageddon 2000: Omen IV’ and concludes here.

It is 2001, Damien Thorn is long dead but his son lives determined to stir up WW3 and carry on his father’s plan. A writer named Jack Mason becomes determined to write a book about the doomed Thorn clan. Can he thwart terrible plans of which he is not truly aware?

Published in 1985, this is a very dated view of 2001. No internet, there is a mention of a TV being on automatic video and Mason writes on a huge word processor that has a tape deck. This is okay pulp horror.

Best Lines:
“Just assume these are the ravings of lunatics. That way it will be easier for you.”

“As if she had glimpsed the hereafter and was horrified by it.”


~
The Liar’s Lullaby by Meg Gardiner

The 3rd in the Jo Beckett series after the taunt ‘The Dirty Secrets Club’ and the silly ‘The Memory Collector’. Tasia McFarland is a pop diva icon and her death at a concert under mysterious circumstances is a sensation. Tasia is the ex-wife of the President of the United States, rumours and conspiracy theories fly wildly.

Jo Beckett investigates Tasia’s life and has to determine if Tasia was a paranoid bipolar drama queen or was someone out to get her? Surrounded by a toxic media, Jo vows to uncover the truth. This is good and suspenseful, however the ending gets farfetched.
Scary Books

Homeland 1x10 + 1x11 Reviewed

Representative Brody

The VP asks Brody to run for office. Someone finally asks why the CIA are getting away with operating on American soil. Carrie and co take over a bank to harass a diplomat. Brody talks to Mike, who still does not apologise. Mike is still a tool.

Carrie’s bluff is called and so she ups the ante. Then she hurls herself at Brody. Where is the President during all this? An attempt to capture Walker is a park is suitably tense. This was okay, the show is finally engaging me. It’s better than ‘Law & Order: LA’ that’s for sure.

Best Lines:
“He doesn’t mean that.”
“Yes I do.”

“Yummy yummy yummy.”


~
The Vest

Successional protocol has the VP on lockdown. Carrie’s maniac. Dana rebels and Saul finally finally gets a clue that Carrie is bipolar. Carrie’s off her meds and going psycho. The VP is a git. Brody makes a metaphor laden speech on the battle of Gettysburg, no-one knows what he really means.

Brody gets a disturbing ‘gift’, Chris is stupid, Saul sets up Carrie’s wall of crazy and the Brody’s do it in a motel. That motel mattress is probably as hygienic as a brothel mattress. The delights of sexposition. Dana annoys and Brody blows up Carrie’s life. This was good.

Best Lines:
“He maims en-masse.”

“That’d kill her security clearance forever.”

“I wrote a 45 page manifesto declaring I’d reinvented music. The Professor I handed it to escorted me to student health...I wasn’t even in his class.”

“That is a mischaracterization!”

“Sometimes I think I need to empty my refrigerator and set it on fire.”
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Thoughts & Quotes & Other Things

I read and disliked ‘Merlin’, ‘Hatchett & Lycett’ and ‘Dinosaur Fantastic’.

I am reading ‘Hotel Transylvania’.

There will be no reviews of ‘Beswitched’ or ‘Assigned!’. There will be reviews of ‘Swordhunt’, ‘Darkness be my Friend’ and ‘The River of Shadows’

~
‘Modern Family’ Quotes:
“For some people the shampoo doesn’t work, it only makes the lice angry.”

“No not adorable, Appalachian.”

“She’s a disastrous human being.”


~
‘Buffy The Vampire’ slayer season 9 Issue 7 was awful and offensive to the intelligence.

~
Land of the Lost’ (2009) Quotes:
“Close your mouth while you’re breathing, like we talked about.”

“Do I look like I know what’s going on?”

“Some trashy trailer park reject who smells of malt liqueur and feet.”


~
‘Independence Day’ Quote:
Nuke ‘em. Lets nuke the bastards.”

~
‘Jennifer’s Body’ Quotes:
“You were never a good friend. Even when we were little - you used to steal my toys and pour lemonade on my bed.”
“And now I’m eating your boyfriend.”

“How could I ever be insecure? I was the Snowflake Queen.”
“Yeah two years ago when you were socially relevant.”
“I am still socially relevant.”
“And you didn’t need laxatives to stay skinny.”

“She’s really just a generic giga-bitch who listens to Fergie...also she has mouth herpes and the other kind.”
Scary Books

Death Valley 1x09 Reviewed

Tick, Tock, Boom

Kirsten’s lies are finally exposed to her angry boss. He fires her and goes on the rampage against the smug vampire Rico. A zombie shows up at a kindergarten. Rico gets roughed up. The chief’s bimbo niece whines. John John has lunch with Carla. Kirsten will not take responsibility for her lies and wallows in self pity. This was an iffy ep due to Kirsten’s whining.

Best Lines:
“These zombies are multiplying faster than Kardashians.”

“These guns, they’re like my children. I love them differently. Some not as much as others. But I don’t tell them that.”
Scary Books

Sapphire & Steel Review, Part Five

Assignment Six

Episode 1


Sapphire, Steel and Silver lurk at a service station for their final TV adventure. Sapphire wears bright blue tights. Silver wears a glitter vest and has a bad hairdo. In the opening credits, Lead is replaced by Mercury. But nothing ever came of that. A mysterious couple act suspiciously and mouth breathe. Silver is ever useless and this was dull.

Best Lines:
“Are they real?”

“They’re married, but not to each other.”

“Have you questioned them?”
“No, not yet. I thought I’d leave that to you. I’m not very good at intimidation.”


~
Episode 2
Steel plays pinball. People yap at each other and wander around. Sapphire worries. It is mentioned that the ‘Elements’ or whatever they are, are divided up into Specialists, Operators and Investigators. Silver is a Specialist whilst Sapphire and Steel are Operators. Also the ‘Elements’ get briefings. This was not good.

Best Line:
“We were the images that time. We were the ones that didn’t belong.”

~
Episode 3
A gypsy shows up gurning and wearing too much blusher. Steel broods in his middle management suit. Sapphire sees visions and realises part of what is going on. The annoying woman annoys. Sapphire and Steel have met either their evil counterparts or the transuranics. This was dull.

Best Line:
“They’re like us Steel.”

~
Episode 4
Sapphire and Steel faces their nemesis‘: The Transient Beings. Who the Beings are and why they resent the duo is not explained. A Transient Being walks through a glass door and tosses Steel around. Why do they trust the annoying woman? Why does Steel become a moron? Time Boxes are waved. Silver vanishes. Where is he? Was he part of the plot? Why is Steel confused? This was goodish and ends on a downer. However as the duo went on to have audio adventures, they did escape at some point.

Best Lines:
“We’re resented. They resent us.”

“They always were better organised.”

“The Transient Beings are locked in the past where they belong.”
“So far yes.”

“Years will become thousands of years. There is nothing but space.”

“This place is nowhere and it’s forever.”
PromNight2

Movie Reviews: The Hunger Games + Prom Night II

The Hunger Games (2012)

The film version of Suzanne Collins’ dystopian novel is good but has some flaws. Katniss Everdeen (the unemoting Jennifer Lawrence) volunteers for the Hunger Games to save her sister. She prepares for the Games alongside fellow Tribute Peeta (some bland unemoting dude) and they are mentored by drunken former Games victor Haymitch (Woody Harrelson and his bad wig). But in the arena, all bets are off.

The chariot ride with Katniss and Peeta’s fire outfits were the highlight. We get no real back-story to this world. We get no information on the collapse of the USA or the creation of Panem and there is no mention of District 13.

The brutality of the arena is scaled way back and the other Tributes are mere ciphers. However Cinna is a gem and the District 11 uprising is a good sequel hook. As President Snow, Donald Sutherland has OTT facial hair and overacts while Katniss’ BF Gale gurns. I recognised Katniss’ unloved mom as the actress who played another unloved mom on ‘Caprica’.

District 12 was striking, looking like something out of the Dustbowl while the Capital looks like a bad Lady Gaga music video. However the Cornucopia is a letdown, it is not what I expected at all. However I’ll be there for the sequels.

Best Line:
“She came here with me.”

~
Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (1987)

You can’t keep a bad girl down.

1957, Mary Lou (Lisa Schrage) and the gormless Billy are at the prom. Mary Lou ditches Billy to hook up with school lothario Buddy Cooper. Billy displays badly acted outrage. The hairdos and outfits aren’t very 1950s. As Mary Lou is about to be crowned prom queen, Billy throws a lit stink bomb at her. Mary Lou goes up in flames. What was her dress made of? Thermite? Nobody helps her. Billy feels a bit bad about it. But not that bad.

1987, the girlfriend immolator Billy is now principle of Hamilton High and is played by Michael Ironside. His moron son Craig (Justin Louis of ‘Stargate Universe’) is dating Vicki (Wendy Lyon). Everyone has horrible 80s clothes and hair. Plus it is nearly time for the prom.

There are ominous shots of school corridors and we meet future dead meat such as school joker Josh, Vicki’s friends Monica and Jess and school mean girl Kelly Hennenlotter (Terri Hawkes). Kelly who has utterly hideous 80s attire raves about her “totally awesome” prom dress to her gang of skanks: “It’s sort of Spanish and its RED and its got black polka dots all over it and its got this bow on one shoulder.”

Vicki opens a bizarre trunk in the basement and soon Mary Lou’s spirit is roaming the halls. Billy broods and Buddy Cooper is now an equally brooding priest. Mary Lou kills people. Vicki stares at Mary Lou’s fancy headstone. The 1957 crown is now the 1987 Prom Queen tiara. Everyone drinks Pepsi. Vicki sees weird visions. The students wear truly abominable PE gear. Vicki’s rocking horse gets creepy and Cooper does an ineffective exorcism.

Vicki slaps Kelly and gets possessed by Mary Lou. The fact Vicki’s clothes and slang are now 30 years out of date does not attract that much notice. However Monica notices when Vicki causes the perv teacher Mr Craver to get a Bunsen burner to his nethers. Billy becomes more unhinged and has Mary Lou’s ring. Didn’t it burn up with her? Billy decides to kill Mary Lou again.

More corpses stack up but it’s prom so nobody notices. Kelly’s prom dress is as big an 80s eyesore as you can imagine: red ‘Spanish’ looking with black polka dots and a bow on one shoulder and it is accessorised with cheap diamante jewellery, black lace fingerless gloves, copious amounts of glitter hairspray, black and red nail polish and a red hair bow.

Kelly is determined to be prom queen no matter what. But has met her match in Mary Lou. Prom night gets deadly as bullets, falling neon light fixtures, portals to the netherworld and angry undead prom queens imperil the student body. The ending is weird but this is enjoyable.

This was followed by ‘Prom Night III: The Last Kiss’ and ‘Prom Night IV: Deliver Us From Evil’

Best Lines:
“I’ve had sinful relations with boys at my school. Many boys, many times...I loved every minute of it.”

“What do you go out with that square for anyway?”
“Because he treats me right and his daddy’s rich.”

“We’ve been pinned for a year and you never went this far!”

“Just gimme the crown.”

“1957 was not a good year for capes.”
“Wasn’t that the year the prom queen died in the fire?”
“Nice touch Vicki, last person who wore this stuff died. Oh I REALLY hope you win Kelly.”
“Well you better clean that crap up if you expect me to wear it.”

“I’m going to drink too much beer and throw up in the can. It’s my duty, I’m a teenager.”

“You have a drinking problem.”
“I drink, I get drunk. So what’s the problem?”

“Somehow her spirit has come back from the grave and she will come after you and me.”
“Jesus Christ Buddy, you’ve been celibate too long.”

“Little miss perfect is losing it. Another prom queen hopeful bites the big one.”

“I’m telling you guys, she’s possessed. Linda Blairsville.”

“I had my first job. I was repossessing cars.”

“I spent $64 dollars on my hair today, if you mess it up I’ll kill you.”

“Who won?”
“I’m not supposed to tell. It wasn’t you.”

“Hey Kelly, how’d you blow it?”