March 15th, 2012

Scary Books

Trailers + 2001 Tape Tale + Quotes of the Day

‘Todd & The Book Of Pure Evil’ trailer
Annoying teenagers dressed like prostitutes do stupid stuff. This looks stupid.

Chain Letter’ (2010) trailer
A chain letter/text slasher movie. I suspect that like with ‘Dread’ and ‘Needle’, all the best scenes are in the trailer.

The Cabin In The Woods’ trailer
Idiots vs. what? Looks good.

‘Gone’ trailer
Has her sister been snatched by a serial killer or is she nuts? Looks good.

~
Cleared out a tape from 2001. It began with the season 6 ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ ep ‘All The Way’ in which the tracking is way off but from what I can make out: Dawn brats out. This had bad acting and was boring. Whatever became of the Tara/Willow/Buffy go to UCSunnydale plot line anyway? Dawn hooks up with a vamp and Willow uses magic to mind control Tara.

Then came the season 3 ‘Angel’ ep ‘Carpe Noctem’. Fred fancies Angel, she would later move onto Gunn and Wes. She really got around. Angel gets body swapped with an old perv. This had bad acting, Cordy being useless, Daniel Dae Kim lurking and Angel being told: “You are the world’s worst vampire.” Bored now.

Then came a season 2 ‘The Invisible Man’ ep ‘Insensate’ in which the dated sfx are obvious. A man named Tommy Walker (Armin Shimerman who whispers all this dialogue) shows up saying he has lost all his senses but touch. Darien tries to help him track down evil scientist Augustin Gaither. This leads to Darien stumbling over wannabe bad dudes the SWRB and a twist ending. This was dull and this show was full of jerks. It could have been worse I suppose, I could have been watching ‘New Girl’.

Finally there was a season 1 ‘Star Trek: Enterprise’ ep ‘The Andorian Incident’ in which Vulcan monks are menaced by angry Andorians. Shran (Jeffrey Combs) slaps Archer around. T’Pol is patronised. Shran thinks the Vulcans are hiding a long range sensor array and turns out to have been right all along. There are fist fights, fire fights and Archer getting on his moral high horse. It looked good but was dull.

~
‘Undone Deeds’ Quote:
“Moo, bitch.”

~
‘Miskatonic University’ Q
uotes:
The Bharati girl’s only been missing for three days. She’s probably just lost in the library.”

“Professor Blackstone was missing, presumed mad or in another dimension.”

“It is not for you that I am here. You are more fortunate than you can know.”

“I understand he died in the madhouse.”

“Nothing that ungodly should ever smile, and when it does, no decent soul can bear to look upon it.”

“The most melodramatic members of the library circle say he burns in hell for making that trade.”
Scary Books

The Secret Circle 1x14 + Fringe 4x13 + Bones 6x19 Reviewed

Valentine

Jake bangs Faye and is a vile tool. Cassie will not shut up. Lee is not what he seems. The witch hunters lurk. There is bad acting. Adam bores. Faye hosts a sleepover and is treated like crap by her ‘friends’ in her own home. More about Cassie’s mean old daddy is revealed.

Faye is tired of everything being about Cassie and deep down Diana is too. Why do they put up with Jake? Why is Adam such a wuss? Where is the parental supervision? Adam has no tact and gets possessed by a coven of dead witches. Jake is loathsome. This was boring and lame.

Best Lines:
Bitch hurry.”

“That medallion holds the power of a thousand cursed souls.”


~
A Better Human Being

Bad acting, Lincoln Lee and an idiot plot. Olivia recalls the real timeline. Walter is stupid, Nina is evil and IVF babies have a hive mind. This was tedious.

Best Line:
Really aren’t any normal days in this job are there?”

~
The Finder

This is a poorly disguised pilot for a new show. Bones and Booth hire a Finder and his legal adviser (Michael Clarke Duncan) and his bartender/Jill of all trades (Saffron Burrows) to find a missing map to a treasure ship. The Finder is named Walter who is a brain damaged war vet and one of those annoying quirky nut jobs you only get on US TV shows like ‘Psych‘.

Burrows puts on a stupid accent and Walter falls for a doomed trashy woman. Danny Trejo pops up as a Bishop. There is no Sweets at all this ep. Walter angsts and does ‘quirky’ things and it’s actually rather enjoyable. It is better than ‘Burn Notice’ that is for sure. This was good.

Best Lines:
“I’m sure she’s the nice kind of meth smuggler.”

“I advise against homicide.”

“G Man. Skeleton babe.”
Scary Books

Sapphire & Steel Review, Part 4

Assignment Five

Episode 1

A posh family are having a 1930 themed party. Various noxious guests show up. Steel and Sapphire gatecrash pretending to be Miles and Virginia Cavendish. Steel’s hair is slicked back and he sports a porntasche. Besides that he is as detached and irascible as ever As the party goes on, it really seems to be 1930. This was intriguing and very good.

Best Line:
“52 years old, totally repressed personality.”

~
Episode 2
A guest named Tony shows up in tight white trousers, his gal pal Veronica wears a vile coral and pink dress. George who has been dead for 50 years joins the party, no-one seems that surprised. There is annoying fake crying. The guests play sardines and someone is found dead. This was good.

Best Lines:
“She’s 24. Very much in love, not very bright.”

“It probably knows about us.”
“It always does.”


~
Episode 3
There’s no way out of the house which is on a ley line. Someone or something is turning back time. There are dramatic chords. Sapphire and Steel sort of figure out what is going on. If George hadn’t died 50 years ago, he would have wiped out humanity like what happened in ‘Survivors’. The guests are served jugged hare for dinner. I don’t know what that is nor do I care to. Steel’s complete ignorance of human etiquette and social conventions is displayed. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“He will cause the extinction of life on this planet by his carelessness.”

“Nobody takes guns into dining rooms.”


~
Episode 4
What are Sapphire and Steel? One is a non-elemental gemstone and the other is an alloy, apart from that, we know nothing. Someone in the house had a predatory leaning. The rest think Miles/Steel has a severe personality disorder. Sapphire tries to stab herself but Steel puts his hand in the way. Instead of him getting stabbed in the hand (like David McCallum’s character did in my favourite ‘NCIS’ ep ‘Broken Bird’), the blade breaks.

Then Sapphire points a gun at Steel. But it all works out as Steel fixes the knife and he and Sapphire almost kiss or something. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Not necessarily in love, he was using her.”
“There’s a difference?”
“On this planet, yes.”

“I’m not sorry about this.”

“I’m afraid he’s a bit dead.”


~
Episode 5
Annabelle demands that Miles/Steel do a ‘Poirot’ and solve the mystery. Then she dies. Sapphire and Steel recruit Felix to help them. They give him the codename Brass and share Sapphire’s telepathy with him. Felix is not the least freaked out that Sapphire and Steel are not of this universe. George is an idiot, Steel can work a computer by waving his hand at it and someone else dies. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“You’re asking me to believe that you’re a kind of interplanetary police force?”
“Yes.”
“Aliens of some sort?”
“In an extra terrestrial sense yes.”


~
Episode 6
George shows that he was an idiot annoying ignoramus who deserved his fate. The villain turns out to be the person sporting blue eye shadow and a loo brush haircut. The events of 1930 have been set in motion once again. George nearly gets murdered on multiple occasions.

Sapphire and Steel say time is their enemy. The baddie lowers themself admirably to the occasion. The party begins again. This was okay. Sapphire and Steel stand very still and stare directly into the camera. This was okay.

Best Line:
What have you been promised?"