‘Eastbound & Down’ Quotes:
“Hand me my son. I have a life to ruin.”
“My story is that of a raging christ figure who tore himself down from the cross and looked at the Romans with blood in his eyes and said my turn now.”
“My dad turned into Nick Nolte.”
“That sounds like a UPN sitcom from the mid-90’s.”
I am reading ‘The Hunger Games’
The Past is Another Country
The middle aged Charlotte (Juliet Stevenson) arrives at a flat where she used to live in the 1960s. The flat owner (unidentified so far) has died and she and her former flatmates have been summoned to clear it out. So begins this BBC2 would be EVENT drama.
Charlotte wanders around unhappily and has memories of moving in long long ago when she was played by Claire Foy of 'Going Postal'. The landlord is a posh boy named Jack who invites in a diverse group so he can play at social experimentation. He needs a good kicking.
Charlotte wants away from her miserable parents as she is a 60s dolly bird cliché. She dresses like it is the 50s in front of her parents, before changing into the 60s in the back of a taxi and going hitchhiking. On the TV and radio Churchill is dying.
Charlotte doesn’t care about that, she lounges around and watches Lilly a chav art student stick tinfoil to the walls which is still there in the present day. Lilly’s parents want her to work in a shop as art school is anathema to them: “It’s not for the likes of us.”
The fat Northern Ireland flatmate Orla is ignored by all but one person. Orla has to send all her money home for “four wee ones.” Charlotte watches a programme about the pill, reads a ‘sexy’ novel and tries to get a doctor to give her the pill by wearing a fake wedding ring.
Victor is another lonely overlooked flatmate who is patronised by the vile Jack. Churchill dies and the obnoxious Jack has a shouting match with the patriotic working class flatmate. Charlotte for some reason throws herself at Jack.
Lilly strips naked to create ‘art’. Charlotte’s dad wants her to come home and care for her miserable menopausal mother because he’s busy shagging a tart. Charlotte’s mother is bitter with her lot. Charlotte doesn’t care, she is too busy throwing herself at Jack who could care less about her. Charlotte is annoyingly stupid.
Jack’s father Edward (Jeremy Northam) shows up. He is an MP who loathes his moron spawn. Edward invites the patriotic working class lad to attend Churchill’s funeral and visit his club. Edward = best character of this ep. Edward and the working class lad have a chat about the Common Market and what will be known as Concorde. The tosser Jack stews.
Back in the present the older Victor and Lilly (Lindsay Duncan) show up. Lilly and Charlotte’s friendship has obviously ended badly and something seems to have gone wrong between Charlotte and Victor as well. This was a bit dull yet somehow interesting, it reminded me a bit of that old show ‘Reunion’. I’ll keep watching
I can only hope the noxious Jack is dead as with his endless speeches about communal living and a new model of living and his all round jerkass behaviour, I cannot stand him.
“What sort of godless set up are you running here?”
“Someone, somewhere is out living the life I should have had because I gave it away to the first man I met.”
The FBI and CIA are looking for Walker who is lurking in alleys. Jessica and Brody have issues. Saul’s wife leaves him after 25 years. Carrie annoys, in her mind she is the only important person. Saul and Carrie are rude to the FBI.
Brody is being groomed to replace a disgraced politician named Richard Johnson (think about it). Brody’s son is an idiot, an pursuit goes wrong and Brody is proven to be a very good liar. This was dull.
Cassie’s selfish, nothing new there. Cassie’s grandmother is AWOL. Adam’s got over Diana but she wants him back. Jake is a tool. Cassie meets the woman she saw in Jake’s memory. The woman, Lucy, is a psychic.
Cassie’s stupid, nothing new there. The witch hunters are back. Charles gets on his high horse and takes on Ethan. Diana is friendly to Ethan, despite the fact he torpedoed her relationship with Adam.
Ethan plans a party. Melissa and Fay do magic dust. Adam is a pathetic wuss. Dawn gets a shock. Ethan is a loser. Darkness is coming. This was good.
“Did you dig up your father’s grave?”
“He’s an unstable, pathetic drunk.”
“She’s a creepy little Stepford ghoul.”
“I’ve always been on the right side Dawn and it was never yours.”
Welcome To Westfield
Olivia has sexy Peter dreams. Olivia, Peter and Walter get stuck in a creepy town and meet Cliff (Tim Kelleher, whose acting has not improved since his stint on ‘Dark Skies’)
People wander around the creepy town. This was an awful, awful ep. The main plot arc of season 4 is so slow. Peter still hasn’t copped on that he is home but the timeline has changed. There is still no mention of John Scott. The plot climax of the ‘eye of the storm’ makes no sense. Why would there be an ‘eye of the storm’ if the two Westfield’s are merging?
“Lower your decibels.”
“I think there’s something off about this entire town.”
Whores Don’t Make That Much
Catherine wants Juliet to live with her in Miami. Mr Carpenter got 10 million dollars - how dumb is Andrew? Henry is a tool. Siobhan’s baby daddy Dylan (Misha Collins of ‘Supernatural’) shows up and Bridget is angry.
Bridget recalls how seven years ago Dylan was a plaid wearing loser, Siobhan was mean and how Bridget was a carer for Siobhan’s son Sean. The sisters and Sean lived together and then there was a terrible accident that led to the rift. Plus Siobhan had Dylan beaten up.
Dylan has a new family but thanks to Siobhan’s rejection and her own guilt Bridget spiralled into drugs/drinking/stripping/hooking. Siobhan’s motives remain obscure. She was always cold. But when did she dream up whatever elaborate scam she is puling?
Thanks to Juliet, Tessa ends up in a coma. When and how was their idiot money grubbing plan hatched? The mastermind of Juliet’s plan is revealed. Misha Collins pulls faces, he isn’t that good an actor.
“There’s a familiar sight. Dylan’s back as he walks away.”
Steel is hard, cold and unfriendly. Sapphire senses an overwhelming feeling of hatred and sees visions of soldiers. Tully guesses that Sapphire and Steel can communicate telepathically. There is a recording of heavy breathing. I’m not scared. Steel experiences the death of an RAF pilot.
“It is without life.”
“Sometimes I wonder why they bother to send us here.”
Sapphire saves Steel by glowering. Tully lights the lights. Steel plans to annoy the ghosts, he succeeds. Sapphire and Tully are in peril. This was not good.
Why doesn’t Steel do his absolute zero trick? The solider makes threats. Steel, Sapphire and Tully flop around in the dark. Steel is unpleasant. There is yelling and a séance. This was boring and I’m disappointed so far.
Sapphire channels a spirit. The solider, whose name is Sam, died just after the armistice. Tully yells. Sapphire is in peril, again. The promisingly spooky storyline has been wasted in this boring ep.
Sapphire’s mind is trapped on the platform with the ghosts. Steel wanders around, is menaced and is left artistically draped on barbed wire by malevolent ghosts. This was okay.
Steel wakes up back in his suit. Sapphire wakes up. Steel points out that he does not sleep. The Darkness has shunted them 12 days into the future. Steel kisses Sapphire on the cheek. Tully lurks. Steel gets Sapphire to make contact with the Darkness.
Steel negotiates with the Darkness. The ghosts learn they were lied to. Steel makes a deal. Everything is resolved. Sapphire and Steel fade away but not before Steel does a leap of joy. This was okay.
Brave New Worlds edited by John Joseph Adams
A collection of dystopian stories from those who gave us ‘Wastelands’, ‘The Living Dead 2’, ‘By Blood We Live’, ‘The Improbable Adventures of Sherlock Holmes’ and ‘The Book of Cthulhu’.
Shirley Jackson’s famous story. A small town holds a lottery that nobody wants to win. A classic.
A woman uses the title card to kill her husband. This meanders and isn’t good.
Ten With A Flag
A government knows everything and controls everything. A couple learn some information about their unborn child and have to make a decision. This is creepy especially the narrator’s passive acceptance of it all.
The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas
A bright shining city has a secret, which everyone knows. There is a price to be paid for Omelas being a delight to live in. Some cannot pay it. This is okay.
Evidence Of Love In A Case Of Abandonment
A great change has come to America. There are strict rules of acceptable behaviour for women and public execution for those who deviated in the past. One girl rages about her missing mother who committed such a deviation. This was good.
An odd story about a regimented society. I’m not entirely sure what it is about.
O Happy Day!
A new society rids itself of violence. Those who work in the camps killing the violent try to cope with what they do. Unnerving.
A man has desires that have been bred out of his society. A bit odd.
From Homogenous To Honey
A short comic strip by Neil Gaiman about a world where all unacceptable influences have been purged by any means necessary. Very good.
A man tries to exist in an over-populated world where a person has just three meters to call their own. Ok.
In order for the world to survive, society had to become a dystopia. The narrator lives happily enough in this changed world. Good.
Rejoo has changed the world. People lives forever so there is no need of children. If anyone comes off rejoo to have a child, that child will be killed. This is a disturbing story about the price of the fountain of youth.
It’s a world overflowing with babies. Everyone must procreate and infertility means death. This is good.
Peter dies in 2005 and is brought back in 2103. He soon learns the US is now a theocratic state and as he is pot smoking, liberal greenie, he is pretty much screwed. This was good if one overlooks the blatant liberal hippy angle.
Ray Bradbury’s tale of how walking is illegal. This is okay.
The Things That Make Me Weak And Strange Get Engineered Away
A man leaves his enclosed order looking for answers to an anomaly. Good.
The Pearl Diver
Farasha is an office drone and then everything changes after she reads a spam email. This is good but bizarre.
Dead Space For The Unexpected
A middle management guy directs office life with depressing glee. Ok.
“Repent, Harlequin!” Said The Ticktockman
A society that lives by the clock is disrupted. This is good.
Is This Your Day To Join The Revolution?
Society is structured around avoiding the Disease. But is the Disease real? Do you even want to know? This was very good.
An unhappy teenage girl lives in a world of war where everyone is fat, stupid, illiterate, sick and a junkie. She denounces her father and too late tries to atone for what she has done. This is very good.
Miners look for a better life. Okay.
Our narrator is a Deep Interrogator. He explains the why and how of his job. This is very good.
The Minority Report
The head of precrime learns that he himself will murder a man he has never met. This okay and the film bears no resemblance to the story.
Just Do It
Advertising has reached a whole new level, especially when they can make you crave: “French fries from the den of the evil clown, where they don’t even pretend to use potatoes anymore.” A group tries to fight the new ads. This was good.
Everyone must be equal in every way. Or else. This was good.
Caught In The Organ Draft
A new form of generation gap. The old will forever by stealing the organs of the young. Good.
The human race of dying of accelerated aging. Not good at all.
Arties Aren’t Stupid
Written in annoying slang, this is a tale of artists in a depressing future. It is mediocre.
Men bred only to mine pass down knowledge from a secret book. Okay.
Of A Sweet Slow Dance In The Wake Of Temporary Dogs
Imagine a city where you have nine days of joy and then one day of hell. Is it worth it? Good.
A space station has been seized by a tyrant. Okay.
A choose your own adventure tale about a society’s path. This is very good.
Who, What, When, Werewolf...Why
Kirsten dates a Nice Guy werewolf/creepy hipster named Travis who likes to look like he is homeless. The cops have to clean up their own zombie kills due to a strike. John John (Texas Battle) puts a zombie in the squad car but it isn’t dead. Billy continues to be a perv, then takes a break from his knob gobbling style of discourse to do something useful. Billy and the captain tackle a huge vampire into a sun bed. Kirsten continues to be stupid. This was okay.
“Excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure.”
A really tall (and fake looking) skyscraper is opened and there is a party. The skyscraper naturally goes on fire. So O’Hallorhan (Steve McQueen) and Roberts (Paul Newman) have to save the day.
This is an enjoyable disaster movie that shows off truly HIDEOUS 1970’s décor, hair and clothes. Most of the characters seem to be a pack of very special cretins, but that is just par for the course.
Security guard Jernigan (OJ Simpson) saves a cat, Senator Parker (Robert Vaughn) dies in a blink and you’ll miss it moment, idiots rush the elevators and die and people sit around on the 135th floor waiting for Steve McQueen to save them.
The skyscraper is one badly built building due to baddie Roger (Richard Chamberlain) and he stalks around being fixed of stare and bad. A woman wanders around in a pink polyester nightmare of a dress and wedding cake hairdo being tearful. An annoying brat wears huge headphones with HUGE radio aerial. A woman runs around in a Princess Leia dress and Susan (Faye Dunaway) stands around looking hard faced.
This is much better than ‘Earthquake’, ‘The Swarm’ or ‘The Poseidon Adventure’. Various rescue attempts (helicopter, buoy, scenic elevator) get messed up, women simper over their men, men wear huge bowties, Fred Astaire staggers around looking arthritic, stunt men hurl themselves around the set and William Holden looks morose.
But Steve McQueen will save the day and his tie-pin won’t even get dislodged! McQueen’s final speech about skyscrapers being death traps and what will happen at “the next one” is creepily prophetic. This was good.
“I sure hope that fire’s on the first floor.”
Time travellers Rothwyn and Eldred are hanging around an ugly flat for an urban examination project. Their baby is with them. Sapphire and Steel show up and take the lift. Sapphire wears pyjamas, go-go boots and a dodgy wig. Steel looks like he works in the dole office.
Rothwyn is responsible for the domestic chores, typical just typical. She and her husband eat pills. People must have watched this because back then there were only three channels and everyone was too stoned to get up off the sofa and switch the TV off.
Rothwyn and Eldred gurn and talk about nothing I understand. A coat makes cat noises and moves across the floor, a pillow floats and Sapphire and Steel can’t see the horrid flat.
There is exposition. It seems the time travellers are from 1500 years in the future. Eldred drones on and wears a yellow sweater vest. Steel gets attacked by a swan/pillow thing. This was bad.
“No-one should mess around with time.”
“There’s something in there with them.”
Rothwyn pulls faces and chokes the swan/pillow thing. Steel saws stuff. Rothwyn and her hubby have horrible droning voices and are devoid of charm and anything in the way of a personality. The baby grows up. This is not deeply strange instead it is a great waste of talent and is malodorous.
“What about the people downstairs?”
“That’s their bad luck.”
“When the building falls down, they’ll blame the architect.”
“They’re only human beings.”
This is plain mad. Where is Lead? Sapphire vanishes. Dubious individual Silver shows up to annoy. He has a bad haircut and is glib.
Silver calls Steel coldly inefficient. Silver needs to SHUT UP. Sapphire opens the time travellers fridge and ominous noises emerge, okay that bit was creepy. But other than that, this was not good as I HATE Silver.
The ‘baby’ turns the sofa into what looks like a giant turd. That is a good metaphor. Sapphire and Steel can bleed. Eldred needs to shut up. Silver continues to dig his grave with his own teeth. This annoyed.
Silver reappears and the ep takes a drubbing. Silver waves a mini calculator about at a bit of tinfoil. Rothwyn and Eldred reveal there is no use for animals in the future because they’re all gone and “The world is better off without them.” Silver, Steel and Sapphire dislike the couple. Steel waves a carving knife at a bit of plastic. This was a mess, I’d rather have sat through ‘First Knight’.
Sepia toned kids skip around. Sapphire has a convict haircut and wears a cheap looking dress. Steel is as morose as ever, wears a grey tie and his hair looks longer and blonder. The duo poke around a junk shop.
Sapphire is menaced by umbrellas. There is a time break. Steel can open locks by waving his hand. Sapphire can turn a record player off with her mind. A loud woman named Liz swans around. There have been mysterious disappearances and the new landlord is a creepy no faced thing that unnerved me as a child. This was very good.
“This place is loaded with active triggers.”
“It’s a depressing place isn’t it?”
“If you want me, I’m not in either.”
“Can we hurt them?”
Liz is loud. Steel is cold. Liz has a white wicker chair and works in a club. What sort of club? She puts on a wig, sticks green glitter clips in it and piles on the make up. Aaaah, that sort of club.
Why did the ‘landlord’ keep Liz around? Sapphire wears blue tights and an unnerving discovery is made about the big bad of the ep. This was very good.
“Do you have somewhere else to stay?”
“Then you better find somewhere.”
“You must be some kind of nut.”
“Did she choose that suit for you?”
“Are you trying to be as creepy as your boyfriend?”
The Shape can communicate telepathically like Sapphire and Steel. This is serious business so Steel takes his tie off. The art of photography has allowed the Shape to slip though. The familiar world has fractured beyond sense as a result. There are very good reasons to be afraid of the dark and this Assignment is one of them. The Shape does something awful. This is okay.
Things aren’t supposed to change as they do in this ep. Liz realises at last that something utterly and completely wrong is going on. Steel and Sapphire are trapped. They figure out it has something to do with the original landlord and his trick photography hobby. Liz does something useful. The Shape makes nasty threats. This was good.
“What’s happened to him?”
“No, not yet.”
“Paper burns, nothing lasts, only me.”
“And in 75 years time?”
“We will be waiting.”
“Find every photo of you that there is. Burn them. Never have another taken.”