February 14th, 2012

Scary Books

Book Reviews: Lace + Irredeemable Vol 8

Lace by Shirley Conran

A classic women's novel from the 1980's. Four women are summoned to a hotel by Lili, a porn star turned international film star who demands to know which of them is her mother. The novel flashes back 30 years to show how Judy, Kate, Pagan and Maxine met in Switzerland. They became friends, had bad romances and one of them got knocked up.

Time passes and they grow up, get careers and have more bad romances. Meanwhile a child named Lili grows up, has a happy life that then goes bad and is exploited and abused. There is a happy ending more or less. This is good soapy reading.

Best Line:
"They all practiced significant looks in the darkness."

Irredeemable Vol 8 created and written by Mark Waid

The Plutonian returns to Earth with his new sidekicks. The Survivor cracks up. A new plan is hatched to stop the crazy Plutonian but there will be a heavy price. Bette Noir returns to annoy. Someone else returns, someone dies and someone finally learns their origins. This was very good. I am really enjoying this series.

Best Lines:
"We can protect five billion people. That is our job."
"No. That is our damnation."

"Madness lives in the skies and obliterates lives without warning."

"Here's a tip: it doesn't go well for the recoilers."

"We expect what's left of the entire world to be watching this speech."
Scary Books

Tape Tales of 2002 and 1998

'The Inbetweeners' Quote:
"I may go to be relatively hate free."

"Do you want me to fetch up my dinner?"

'Better off Dead' Quote:
"Go that way really fast. If something gets in your way, turn."

'Desperate Measures' (1998) trailer
OTT looking. Andy Garcia needs a bone marrow donor for his sick son. The only donor is nutjob con Michael Keaton. As the son says: "Something went really wrong didn't it?" Oh yes.

Cleared out a tape from 2002 and one from 1998. The 2002 tape began with an 'Angel' season 3 ep 'Heartthrob' in which there is much boring talk talk and the tracking is way off. Holtz and guest baddies bore and Darla is knocked up.

Best Lines:
"Don't say the B word."

"Here we are Holtz, please hunt us down."

Then came a season 2 'The Invisible Man' ep 'Johnny Apocalypse' in which show killer Alex Monroe annoys and pulls faces. A child named Adam is a typhoid mary. Alex wants to stuff the kid into an incinerator. Darien wants to save him. There is bad acting in this bad, bad, bad ep. Then came a season 1 'Star Trek: Enterprise' ep 'Strange New World' in which the crew visit an alien world. Archer's dog comes along because Archer is stupid. This was boring and had bad acting. Then finally there was a season 1 'Smallville' ep 'Hourglass' in which a seer named Cassandra sees futures. Lana leaves an old wheelchair bound man near a pond and doesn't notice when he falls in. Clark and Lex hang out. Lex drinks Ty Nant. Clark's future sees him surrounded by the tombstones of his friends, but there isn't one for Lex. This was dull, stilted and had bad acting. The vision of Lex's future kills Cassandra. He's in the White House in a white suit surrounded by sunflowers which die and turn to bones and then it rains blood. Alas poor Lex.

The 1998 tape opened with a season 3 'Xena Warrior Princess' ep 'Been There, Done That' in which there is a time loop and people die and there is unfunny comedy. Then came a season 1 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer' ep 'Witch' in which Buffy tries out for the cheerleading squad. Giles is a boring nagging old fart and Amy shows up. Why did they make Amy a baddie later on? Joyce and her bad perm ignores her daughter. There's bad dubbing and Amy's evil mother ends up inside a cheerleading trophy. Dull.

Best Line:
"Another productive day in front of the television."

Then came a season 1 'Earth: Final Conflict' ep 'Scorpion's Dream' in which Boone learns the skrill are a sentinet race the Taleons re-engineered. I think that whole plotline was dropped after season 1. Lili's dumb. Boone's skrill is named Condor and Sandoval's is named Raven. Oh subtle TPTB, subtle. This was stupid. Finally there was a season 2 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' ep 'The Dark Age' in which Giles' 'dark past' is revealed, Ethan shows up and Jenny is a hypocrite. Yawn.
Scary Books

Death Valley 1x03 Review

Blood Vessels

Vampires attack blood mobiles. The officers get trapped in a zombie siege. The newbie is sent undercover to a teen party and learns stupid teenagers are hanging out with vampires to get high. The captain is as ever oblivious. This was okay, funny and much better than season 2 of 'Hawaii Five-0' which has gone downhill fast.

Best Line:
"I'll do man stuff with you."
Scary Books

Movie Review: The Time Machine (1960)

In 1899 a man named George has invented a time machine, his friends don't care so he uses it to journey into the future. He stops off in 1917, 1940 and 1966 and sees nothing but war. Sad he visits the far far future of 802,701.

He meets the idiot Weena who is one of the Eloi, who are dumb flower children. They are controlled and eaten by the subterranean Morlocks. George has a hissy fit, punches Morlocks, romances Weena and decides to rebuild this post-apoc society with three books. This is okay leaving aside the model sets and overwrought musical score.

Best Lines:
"It was two wars ago."

"Which three would you have taken

The Untouchables (1993-1994) 1x07 + Cold Case 4x06 Reviewed

A Tale of Two Fathers Part 1

A killer is on the loose in Chicago. This show had nice opening credits and nice music. Ness (Tom Amandes of 'Everwood' and 'Eastwick') overacts, Al Capone (William Forsythe) overacts and both vow to stop the Slag Heap Killer.

A nun gets money out of Capone. One of Ness' men Robbins (David James Elliot) walks by the camera. Malone (John Rhys-Davies) overacts. Ness' wife can't act and neither can Capone's wife. Capone yells at the mayor about the murders. The Mayor could care less so Capone has the mayor's car shot up. An annoying reporter lurks. Ness works for the Treasury Department so the murders are out of his jurisdiction but he's Elliot Ness and can do what he likes.

Ness and his waist-coats are cracking up. Malone worries about Ness and follows him. Ness gets a phone call and goes to a church. Where he and Al Capone have a cold meeting. They decide to work together to catch the killer. Naturally Malone takes this meeting the wrong way. This was good, shame this show isn't on DVD. Ness is self righteous, Capone is smug, together they solve crime!

Best Lines:
"I can go to places, you don't even know exist."

"Bored with your day job Ness?"
"I'm here as a concerned citizen."
"Yeah and I'm all concerned a keg of beer is being sold. But you don't see me nosing around on your highly publicised raids now do you?"

The 'suicide' of a 1958 DJ is re-opened. Lying liar who lies Scotty Valens has drive his brother Mike into a nervous breakdown. Scotty is a sniveling weasel as an adult and was a malevolent child. Once upon a time wasn't this a good show?