January 19th, 2012

Scary Books

Retro Review: Hex (2004 - 2005)

Sky1's short lived 'Buffy' knockoff set at a school where Azazeal (Michael Fassbender) is lurking and having sex gets you killed.

Bloody Hell.

Series 1

The Story Begins
The opening scene is set in the 18th century and has Rachel McBain liking magic. The entire McBain plot made no sense and was dropped after series 1. In the present day Cassie is a student at Medenham Hall a boarding school for the rich and thick. Cassie's only friend is Thelma who she mistreats. Cassie finds an urn and gets magic powers. Thelma is killed by fallen angel Azazeal. Thelma returns as a ghost. Despite all that, this was boring.

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Life Goes On
Thelma haunts Cassie but Cassie is too busy throwing herself at moron man candy Troy to care. Nothing else happened in this crappy ep.

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Deeper Into the Darkness
Azazeal turns Cassie evil. She was selfish, dumb, cruel and mean before so how can he tell the difference? This was okay.

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Possession
Cassie is mean to Thelma and throws herself at Azazeal. Troy's sidekick Leon lurks. Cassie and Azazeal do it. Thelma somehow figures out how to turn Cassie good again. This was okay.

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The Release
Thelma meets another ghost and learns Azazeal has a long history of shagging mortal women and it always ends badly. Cassie is pregnant. Azazeal corrupts Cassie's English teacher Jo. Thelma learns that the birth of Cassie's child will release all the fallen angels. Cassie does not know what to do but Azazeal does. A bad ep but the twist is good.

Series 2

Cursed

Cassie learns her baby is alive. New girl Ella Dee arrives and her job is to kill Azazeal's progeny. Troy has vanished from the show. Jo is babysitting Cassie's son. Azazeal names his baby antichrist son Malachi. Cassie's friend Felix is killed, nobody cares. This was good.

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Death Takes the Mother
Ella, Thelma and Cassie plot to steal Cassie's baby from Azazeal so Ella can kill it. Azazeal reacts badly then Cassie does it with Azazeal again despite everything and so changes her mind and things get tragic. This was excellent but poor stupid Cassie.

Best Lines:
"Do you think he's warm enough?"
"Believe me, where he's going he'll be warm enough."


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Spiral
Time has passed and Cassie's classmates are taking bets as she when she'll be found dead in a ditch. Thelma is grieving, Azazeal is plotting and Ella plays Leon. This was good. Is Ella supposed to be the daughter of John Dee? Jo ends up catatonic, Thelma trusts Azazeal and school mean girl Roxanne is doing it with yet another fallen angel Jez.

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Ella Burns
Azazeal torments Ella by making her relive the witch trial she went through in 1666. Jez (who is posing as a priest) says Ella must be sectioned and so men in white coats drag Ella kicking and screaming out of the school, toss her in an ambulance and drive her off to the loony bin as she bangs on the ambulance doors. Somehow the headmaster sees nothing wrong with this. This was good and really unsettling.

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With a Little Help from My Friends part 1
Thelma has to enlist Leon's help to get Ella out of the loony bin. Meanwhile Ella is injected with St Johns Wort by an evil fairy pretending to be a nurse. St Johns Wort block her magic powers. The press finally take an interest in all the dead and missing students, comatose teachers and questionable sectioning going on at the school. So the headmaster resigns in regret over what he allowed happen to Ella. Jez is now headmaster. Can Ella be saved before she really goes insane? This was good.

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With a Little Help from My Friends part 2
Ella's lost her powers and her eternal youth. The grown up Malachi shows up to appall dear old dad. Malachi bangs the evil fairy. Leon has a good cry over all the weirdness. Ella kills the evil fairy. This wasn't good at all.

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Noir
Ella returns to school to get revenge on Jez. But Malachi is the new boy in school. Azazeal gives up on the brat he spawned on the dead bimbo and leaves to do 'XMen: First Class' and 'Hay Wire'. Ella and Thelma lurk in the school's secret passageways so Thelma can tape Roxanne and Jez getting it on. Ella kills Jez as Malachi watches. The former headmaster, David, returns. The tape of Roxanne and Jez is 'leaked' and Roxanne is despised as everyone thinks she drove Jez to 'suicide'. Ella tries to kill Malachi but falters when he pulls the "You murdered my mother" act. This was very good plus bonus points for Ella showing guilt over Cassie's death.

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Where the Heart Is
Ella goes on a date with Malachi to Berlin. Malachi kills a girl named Maya so Thelma can have a ghost girlfriend. Leon is mistreated. Ella and Malachi make out and this was a dreadful ep.

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Doomed
Ella and Malachi make out some more and then get it on. David seems to know what is going on. Thelma is selfish. Malachi keeps showing off his torso but no-one cares. Roxanne has left the school in disgrace. This was awful. Ella knows Malachi is the anti-christ. Did her brain fall out or something?

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You Lose
Ella is now literally Malachi's loveslave. Shagging him did made her lose her mind, forget her slayer duties and lose her magic. And guess what? It was Malachi's plan all along. Leon decides Malachi has to die. Thelma betrays Leon and Ella as she is desperate to keep Maya but then does the right thing. Roxanne returns and everyone still hates her. This was good.

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Hole
Malachi is creating his own cult and has most of the school under his sway. Jo returns and she's a loyal follower of Malachi. So loyal that she has a threesome with Malachi and Alex. Ew. Roxanne finds God and becomes a nice person, nobody cares. Ella gets rid of Maya. Leon tries to kill Alex and fails. Ella and Thelma are still on the outs and it is a shame this didn't make it to a third series.

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Seven Deadly Sins
Ella kills Imogene, Jo plots to get rid of David, Malachi is all out evil and tricks Leon into going dark side. Swiftly Leon poisons Ella with St John's Wort, ties her to a bed and starts cutting. This was very good, I liked evil Leon.

Best Lines:
"You know I can't be killed by human hands."
"Oh don't worry. I'm not human anymore."


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The Showdown
Malachi has big plans for the end of term party. He is going to bring about the End of Days and only Ella, Thelma, Roxanne and Leon stand in his way. Or do they? Ella turns Leon good again, Thelma appears to Roxanne to get her to help stop Malachi and Ella fights Malachi. Ella loses. Leon and Thelma try to save Ella and forget all about Roxanne. Malachi sacrifices Roxanne to bring about the End Days. The school burns down, Malachi wins, Ella is bleeding to death and Leon and Thelma have no clue what to do. Oh and the End is Nigh. And that is where the show ends. This was very good.

Best Lines:
"It's like some freak cult down there."

"What exactly does Malachi want?"
"Apart from a good slap you mean?"
Scary Books

Jericho Season 1 Review, part 3

One Man's Terrorist
The refugee problems reach crisis point. Gray decides to kick the refugees out of Jericho. What about Mimi or Kenchy? Roger creates a hostage situation. Mrs Green saves the day. Hawkins is off in the boring conspiracy plot. Dale and Skylar annoy. Roger is kicked off the show so the unwanted Jake/Emily pairing can go on. Not one of the better eps.

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A.K.A.
Jake has Hawkins at gunpoint wanting THE TRUTH. Mimi cleans her nails with an axe. Hawkins spills all his truth. But in the more interesting plot, Mimi had an axe! Dull.

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Casus Belli
Jake and Hawkins learn New Bern is preparing to for war on Jericho. Meanwhile Stanley returns to Jericho. New Bern is a crapsack town and who do they blame? Jericho. And maybe, just maybe they have a point. This was okay. Where did Bonnie's man candy Sean go in season 2?

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One If by Land

Hawkins and Johnston have to rescue Jake, Eric and Maggie from New Bern. This was good. Skylar lords her power over people by making them beg for food. New Bern bullies beat up on Eric and Jake. Maggie is one of the faux marines and they tried the same stunt in New Bern that they did in Jericho. Only it didn't go so well for them this time. The New Bern mayor war mongers, Maggie is shot and is never seen again after this ep.

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Coalition of the Willing
New Bern bombs Jericho. Jonah shows up. Jericho forms a milita, about frigging time. I didn't like the war with New Bern plot line. This was okay.

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Why We Fight

War with New Bern erupts. Heather is in Camp Liberty and sees the new flag. Jake has flashbacks to Eric and April's wedding. No wonder he left, his family treated him like crap. Johnstone dies. Colonel Hoffman (Titus Welliver) hangs around, thankfully we got the far more interesting Major Beck in season 2. It is mentioned there's a President now and we'd meet him in season 2. What became of Roger? What happened to Black Jack? This was good but thankfully the New Bern war was ended in season 2 via napalm.