January 1st, 2012

Scary Books

Welcome to 2012

A new book in the 'Ring of Fire' series is out this year: '1636: The Kremlin Games'. Okay then, lets see how that goes.

No review for 'Sherlock Holmes: The Crossover Casebook'. But I will be reviewing 'Warehouse 13' season 2, 'Evil Dark', 'Historical Lovecraft', 'Forgotten History', 'Borne in Blood', 'Discount Armageddon', 'Plaguetown', 'Struck', 'Rise Like Lions', 'The Third Day The Frost' and 'Hotel Transylvania'.

I went to a wedding. The hotel looked like a crack halfway house but apart from that it was mostly okay.
Scary Books

CSI 11x01 Review

Shock Wave

A funeral is blown up. Nick mopes and I recall his days on 'Savannah'. Why is Sara back? Ray is in hospital being boring, the terrible Jekyll plot will not go away. Jim is ANGRY. Ray is OVERACTING. A member of the LVPD bomb squad is English.

The plot leads to militia types, one of whom is Jason McCann (Justin Bieber) who has a very fancy haircut. He has way too much product in his hair and is he wearing lipgloss? Nick is rude and he pants a lot and he shoots Jason's brother about a gazillion times. If Nick isn't a cop - why is he interrogating suspects?

Nick's an idiot, everyone misses the fact that the big name guest star is the real big bad. Oh and Ray is one kidney short now but he'll walk it off. This was okay underdeveloped plotlines and clunky dialogue aside.

Best Lines:
"Morphine clouds my thinking."

"Your next meal will be through a hole in a cell door."
To Light The Way To Bed

Movie Reviews: 2012 + Doubt + Dorian Gray

2012 (2009)

It begins with technobabble and idiots. Oliver Platt large hams, John Cusack annoys and the end of the world is coming! Something is going on in China, cultural artifacts are being hidden away, black helicopters hover and there is something going on in Yellowstone.

Jackson (Cusack) is a deadbeat dad. Dr Phlox from 'Star Trek: Enterprise' is in this. There is a tasteless homage to Diana's death. The Earth's crust falls part. A crazy radio host named Charlie overacts. A supermarket falls apart. Jackson's ex Kate has a creepy new man Gordon. Kate and Jackson have two horrible kids Lilly and Noah. Guess who lives to the end credits?

46 nations are involved in building arks. What about the rest? Kate is stupid, hysterical and un-understanding - just like every woman in a summer blockbuster. Jackson screams and drives fast. This still isn't as bad as 'Super 8' or 'Spider-Man 3' or 'Godzilla'.

California falls into the ocean. There is a lot of blue screen and CGI and screaming. Kate is a thankless shrew as millions of people die around her. There is sap. The yellowstone caldera explodes. Wouldn't the ash cloud from that choke the atmosphere? The Christ the Redeemer statue falls apart.

This reminds me of the books 'Flood' & 'Ark' by Stephen Baxter. There is more sap and contrivance. Hawaii is turned into fondue. Adrian makes quasi profound speeches. The White House is taken out by an air craft carrier called John F Kennedy.

Jackson gets his brood to China and onto an ark, dozens die for this to happen but who cares? Three arks head off for Africa. This was okay sap & CGI water aside. The Queen Elizabeth II and her corgis cameo was hilarious.

Best Lines:
"Fly birdies fly!"

"We're gonna need a bigger plane."

"Nutbags with cardboard signs had it right the whole time."

"You're telling me the North Pole is now somewhere in Wisconsin?"
"Actually that's the South Pole."

Doubt (2008)

Father Flynn is misliked by a hatchet faced nun (Meryl Streep). Sister Jane (Amy Adams) does not know what to think when Father Flynn is suspected of something. The hatchet faced nun is full of rancour and is against everything. She is a pinch faced misery guts. But is she right?

Is Father Flynn guilty of a terrible crime or is he disliked because he uses ballpoint pens and the hatchet faced nun Sister Aloysius has a none too secret contempt for him? This is worthy but is also dull and cold. The ending is mordant.

Best Lines:
"Did you ever prove it?"
"To whom?"
"To anyone other than yourself."

Dorian Gray (2009)

Dorian Gray (Ben Barnes) arrives in London as an innocent. Basil paints his portrait. But when he meets Henry (Colin Firth) his path is set on the road to corruption. His friend Basil (Ben Chaplin) can only stand by and watch as Dorian goes to the bad.

Dorian would sell his soul to be a young pretty boy hedonist forever and he does. Dorian does drugs, does ho's, drives his milksop girlfriend to suicide, deflowers a deb and then does her mother. All the while his painting lurks in the attic making moist noises.

Dorian indulges in decadence and the painting shows the consequences. Dorian macks on Basil, does a lot of fornicating and tucks into a scone in a pervy manner. When Basil points out that Dorian has gone from wonderstruck country lad to a sneering debased monster, Dorian hacks him to death with shards from a mirror.

Time passes and Dorian does not age. Dorian fancies Henry's daughter Emily. This prompts the hypocrite Henry to turn on the monster he helped create. It all ends in death and fire. This was good.

Best Lines:
"I pictured some freckled country oaf in ghastly clothes. I see I was only half right."

"I never knew my parents."
"Of course, typhus is so awful."

"Stuff me double."

"What a loss to the front you are. Think of all those Germans that you could bayonet with your epigrams."

"He was never cruel until he met you."

"I don't know where to begin."
"How ominous."

"I am what you made me."