December 20th, 2011

Scary Books

The Bleak Old Shop Of Stuff (2011)

A Charles Dickens parody. The Secret-Past family run a shop and are happy until evil lawyer Mr Skulking-Worm shows up. He says the family has a huge debt to pay and the wife and children are taken to The Skint, a debtor’s prison. Mr Secret-Past might as well be celebrating Christmas in Walford things are so bad.

But he vows to get back his family so they can have their meal of rack of badger and tinsel tit. This can be a bit childish but is amusing. The hero runs to his maiden aunts and their hilariously decorated Christmas tree and learns secrets about his past. He hooks up with the Artful Codger, the oldest urchin in London who was too dim to make it to vagabond or ner’do’well.

Our dense hero learns of a will, a missing heir, a codicil and an old woman in a wedding dress. Can he put it all together, defeat the “flint hearted bag of pus” Skulking-Worm and have the best Christmas ever? This is okay, bad child actors aside.

Best Lines:
“A pineapple Duke of Wellington?”
“A healthy mix of fruit and militarism.”

“Urchin alert!”

“Pin the tail on the pauper.”

“I command you to emerge.”
“Yes? Are you a rude carol singer?”

“Who are you hideous crone?”

“He stopped dancing and started punching me.”

“What another strange coincidence.”

“When did you last have that dress washed?”
“35 Christmas Eves ago.”

“Lumber faster.”
Scary Books

Movie Review: Rosemary’s Baby (1968)

Guy and Rosemary move into a new apartment. How a jobbing actor and a housewife afford their huge apartment is never explained. Their apartment building has a dark history but they don’t pay much attention. Guy is a burk and Rosemary flits around in clothes that make her look like she’s 5 years old.

The couple are forcibly befriended by their loud tacky elderly neighbours. After a bizarre dream sequence, Rosemary learns she is pregnant. She is forced by her neighbours and controlling burk husband to change doctors and her new doctor is patronising.

Rosemary is isolated and in pain. She is controlled and yelled at by her burk husband and betrayed. She soon realises she is surrounded by lying, conspiring annoying people. Does a book entitled ‘All Of Them Witches’ have the answers? This is okay but is full of annoying characters and what is the thing in the cradle at the end?

Best Lines:
I was tempted to write the management that you were drug addicts and litter bugs.”

“This house has a high incident of unpleasant happenings.”

“He has his father’s eyes.”