December 13th, 2011

Scary Books

Trailers of the Day

'ExHeroes' was not that good. 'NeverMore' by Kelly Creagh is a bit too much.

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'Night Of The Living Trekkies' book trailer
Bad acting in this trailer. But it's good and funny and the book is very good.

'GI Joe: Retaliation' trailer
Stuff blows up. Duke and Snake Eyes do stuff but Snake Eyes does it in cool ways. GI Joe is terminated which I guess is how TPTB will explain why 3/4 of the cast is not returning. There is Dwayne Johnson with a huge gun, Storm Shadow being not dead and lots of ninjas. Bruce Willis is in it too, sigh. This actually looks good.
Scary Books

Chase 1x16 Review

Round Up

The gang make a game out of catching cons. Daisy is sitting it out and tells her family about the creepy music teacher. Luke tackles a guy dressed like a hot dog. Annie and Jimmy continue their emotional adultery and emanate shattering rudeness. The gang are idiots with the IQ of cabbages. Why are we supposed to care about their bullying asses? A gang called Satan's Outlaws lurks and Annie showboats. Daisy's plot bores as she kills the perv teacher and is hauled off. The bullies go on about being a "family", yeah right. This was awful.

Best Line:
"There's no fixing this."
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To Light The Way To Bed

House of Night Issue 1 Review

I've never read the books by P.C. Cast + Kristin Cast so I know nothing of the characters, background, mythology or world building. I only know it is about vampires. I enjoyed this. Granted tattooed vampires, a scantily clad goddess and a heroine who is considered special are a bit cliche but the storyline and historical background did intrigue. I think I'll stick with it. This was good.
Scary Books

Bones 2x16 Review

The Boneless Bride In The River

A woman's boneless body is found. Brennan is on holiday and hanging out with a goob named Sully (Eddie McClintock of 'Warehouse 13'). Sully has a truly horrible haircut, so bad I wouldn't have known it was McClintock if his name hadn't been in the credits.

The gang try to solve the murder of a mail order bride and how it ties into a minghun ceremony. There's gross mutterings about poison and protein residue. The mail order bride's would-be-hubby is a jackass and the solution to the murder is almost a throwaway as Brennan obsesses over the goob Sully. Zack lurks in the background, I'm just wondering if his serial killer apprenticeship has begun yet. This was okay.

Best Line:
"Dead people bone marriage thing."
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Friday The 13th + Metropolitan + Super 8

Friday The 13th (1980)
The remake was terrible but the original is even worse. In 1958 over-sexed idiots get bumped off at Camp Crystal Lake. Now more over-sexed idiots are at Camp Crystal Lake. The locals are unfriendly yokels. Men in too tight shorts walk around, the women have hairdos from another century and the soundtrack is annoying.

This was dull and boring, up there with over-rated horror 'classics' like 'Alice Sweet Alice' and 'Suspiria'. The creepy psycho takes his sweet time bumping off the idiots one of whom is Kevin Bacon. I'm wondering who would trust their kids to a summer camp run by these morons? Nobody notices the murders until their is only one half wit left. This was awful.

Best Lines:
"Camp Blood? They're opening that place again?"

"Don't get smart."
"Me? I'm as dumb as they come."


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Metropolitan (1990)
A group of squeaky voiced debs in 1970's NY meet Tom, a committed socialist. Tom hangs out with them as a way of meeting another deb named Serena he fancies. Everyone wears 80's attire and are overly mannered. Tom and the Sally Fowler rat pack go from party to party to party doing really nothing and talking non-stop.

Tom is pompous, Audrey doormats and Nick is a wiseass. Nick later turned up on 'Gilmore Girls' as Jason. The baddie of the piece is Rick, a bad guy (who is also a Baron) who everyone loves except Nick. When Rick targets Audrey for conquest, Tom finally steps up after being smug to her for most of the film. This endless yapping can be dull and tiresome but it has some wit.

Best Lines:
"It's actually surprising to see you at something like this. In your letters you expressed a vehement opposition to deb parties and to conventional society in general."

"Dead father's are a common problem. Jane's father's dead. Very suddenly last year."
"Must have been awful for her."
"Yes. It was tough on him too"

"Rick...is tall, rich, good looking, stupid, dishonest, conceited, a bully, liar, drunk and thief. An egomaniac and probably psychotic."


~
Super 8 (2011)
From J.J Abrams who gave us the far superior 'Alias', 'Lost, 'Star Trek' and 'Cloverfield'. A group of annoying kids accidently film a train crash during which an alien escapes from captivity. Meanwhile one of the kids Joseph is ignored and berated by his jerkass father Jackson (Kyle Chandler).

The CGI train and its OTT crash annoy, the brats annoy and you can't understand 1/2 their dialogue. There are mysterious cubes. Joseph fancies Alice. There's a creepy dude in a truck and some evil military types. There is much ripping off of 'The Goonies' and Kodak product placement.

The fat kid Charles says "mint" non-stop. People are grabbed by the alien for unknown reasons causing other people to think the Russians are invading. Joseph thinks about his dead mother. Alice is yelled at by her jerkass father. This was sappy and dull. The ending is laughable as ET flies home.

Why is the graveyard so well lit at night? Why is the underground cave so bright? How did Joseph, Alice and the buck toothed kid escape from the cave? Why did the alien take people? Why did the alien have a face and human eyes? Why didn't the alien's magnetic powers rip the buck toothed kid's braces out?

Best Lines:
"I'm massively stoned right now."

"Drugs are so bad."
Scary Books

Black Mirror: Fifteen Million Merits (2011) Review

The 2nd in the miniseries. In the dystopian future Bing and many others exist in a high tech hell hole. At night they are locked into tiny cells where all four walls are computer screens where they can also play violent games or buy things for their virtual avatar/doppel and spend their days peddling on stationary bikes to earn merits. While peddling they watch idiot tv game shows like 'Bothergut' or talent show called 'Hot Shot' or 'Wraith Babes' which is violent porn. They own nothing and it is a bleak existence. Bing fancies new arrival Abi.

Abi likes penguins and Bing. They peddle their days away thinking of a better life. If you get too fat to peddle you can be demoted to a cleaning job which is a despised underclass, the thunderingly unlikable Dustin loves to verbally abuse cleaners. Nobody asks why they endlessly peddle bikes in a hermetically sealed existence.

How does this society function? Why is mob cruelty encouraged? Nobody notices that their diets are controlled to create the fat hated underclass. Bing (Daniel Kaluuya of 'The Fades' and 'Psychoville') wants out of buildings that look like car parks and the useless constant peddling. He hears Abi sing and enters her into 'Hot Shot' at the cost of 15 million merits to give her a chance.

Abi (Jessica Brown Findlay of 'Downton Abbey') really can't sing. But she takes her chance before the judges. But it all goes horribly wrong as Abi is bullied into working for 'Wraith Babes'. A broken hearted Bing sits in his cell forced to watch Abi's drugged up shark eyed porn career as he does not have enough merits to pay to switch 'Wraith Babes' off. And he can't close his eyes, if he does - sirens blare and he is ordered to "Resume viewing."

The other peddlers seem content with their child like state but Bing makes a plan. It all leads to Bing having an emotional freak out in front of the repellent 'Hot Shot' judges as he rants about the cycles: "Going where? Powering what?" and how everything is "One more ugly joke" and everyone being tricked into buying unreal crap and staring at meaningless lights. It's a fantastic truthful rant but it is not received the way he thought it would be. In fact Judge Hope (Rupert Everett) offers Bing his own slot on tv to rant for 30 minutes twice a week.

This was very good. The ending is bleak. Bing gets a somewhat better life but is his view real or just another screen? And Abi is lost as Vol#47 of her 'work' is released. So very, very sad.

Best Lines:
"It is that or the bike."

"You have the magnetism of a towel."

"You come across as fundamentally unlikeable and really quite worthless."


"Farewell forever, til the same time next week."
Illya K

Mother Love (1989) part 1 Review

I loved the book but this BBC adaptation is a bit badly acted and scripted. Still it does entertain and has a nice creepy intro. Prig Angela is to marry Kit Vesey and his mother Helena (Diana Rigg) is a bit obsessive about her son. She adores Kit and loathes her ex-husband Alex (David McCallum). Kit and Angela have bad perms and hideous clothes and Helena looks like she is wearing Joan Collins' cast offs.

Helena speaks endlessly of the evil of Alex while hanging out with her cousin George who is her dogsbody/chauffeur/bag carrier/companion and only friend. Kit reveals to Angela that for the past 15 years he has been having a relationship with his father, stepmother and three half siblings. He keeps this a secret from Helena who regards the idea of Kit having a relationship with his father as anathema.

Angela wears a horrible jumper and is self righteous about lies. She meets the smug stepmother Ruth and her noisy brats who tells her how repellent Helena is. The detached Alex takes no responsibility for his part in any of this. Angela goes along with the lies. Which is a good idea as flashbacks show how as a child, Helena rid herself of her BF who was disloyal via a book entitled 'A Children's Illustrated Guide To Poisonous Plants'.

Kit and Angela marry. Angela's dress and veil are horrible. George turns out to be in on the lies and informs on Helena to Alex. Helena lives in a world of plastic emptiness and is mentally ill. But no-one does anything to help her despite clear evidence of psychotic behaviour. Helena speaks to Angela about the evils of Alex and disloyalty and Angela sees how nutty Helena is. Do they insist she get help? No. Instead Kit and Angela have a daughter Laura and the lies go on.

Alex is knighted and Ruth is now Lady Vesey. The magazines write about Alex with no mention of Helena or Kit. Helena is enraged. She is enraged some more when Ruth's photography is compared to Diane Arbus and she is feted in the media. To be blunt Ruth's photos are crap. In a tv special Ruth shows off her dark room which is a converted air tight air raid shelter. Ruth really shouldn't have mentioned the air tight part as she has unwittingly created the blue print for her own murder.

Helena hisses "Stupid bitch" at the TV and plots and plans. One wonders why Ruth didn't fix the air tight part or why she doesn't hear the air vents being closed. Helena has rid herself of the usurper Ruth and ensured someone else is the patsy. There is some appalling scripting toward the end of this part as Ruth's idiot daughter and a clunky answering machine feature. Still bad acting, bad scripting and idiot ball antics aside, this does entertain.

Best Lines:
"That tart with a camera took my husband."

"You're not Lady Vesey. You're Alex's whore. You smug bitch. I am Lady Vesey....Whore, smug little bastards, smug little whore's bastards."