November 29th, 2011

Scary Books

The Secret Circle 1x09 Review

Balcoin

Why has this show got so bad? I'm talking Ricky Martin bad. Why were the Circle's parents all having teen pregnancies 16 years ago? What are the symbols? Granny Jane is dumb. Melissa's cousin shows up. Jake steals and lurks and smugs. Cassie's dumb and only cares about herself.

The acting is terrible. We learn about Cassie's connection to the Balcoin line as if we care. The Balcoin line were the origin of black magic or something and Cassie is a super special witch. The witch hunters have a council, yawn. 'Charmed' was better than this.

The guy from 'Teen Wolf' can't act but Jake is the worst offender. Why can't the witch hunters kill Cassie? They should because nothing but cruel sounds comes out of her mouth. Why is Jake getting so much screen time? Why is Cassie such trash? Why don't she or Jake close their curtains?

Charles is a tool. This was boring. Dawn liked John Blackwell. Oh it's 'Maury' time! Why does anyone listen to Jake? The witch hunters have a boat made of ashwood to thwart magic. It just sounds dumb.

Cassie has no emotional reaction to being saved from witch hunters. Don't come back Jake. So who else is Blackwell's kid? Maybe it's all of them. Hee. Why don't they sink the boat? Why does Jake stay with the witch hunters?

Best Lines:
"Kind of a girlier 'Lost Boys' vibe."

"Cassie Blake is not the only child of Blackwell in the Circle."

"Oh right when you were leading us to slaughter. I knew the situation felt familiar."
Scary Books

Fringe 4x07 Review

Wallflower

Olivia and Lincoln Lee are hooking up, barf. Why is Lincoln Lee on this show other than to bore me? Peter is treated like garbage by his former colleaguess. SHUT UP Lincoln Lee. An invisible man lurks. How is pigment extracted and injected into someone else? This is dumb. Massive Dynamic is involved as ever. Why am I supposed to care about this crap? What's Nina up to? Nope, not caring.
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Reviews: Bedbugs + To Brave The Storm + The Evil Inside

Bedbugs by Ben H. Winters

This reminds me of the work of Ira Levin. Susan and Alex move into an apartment that seems ideal. They're happy, at first. But Susan whines about giving up her job to focus on her 'art', Alex is resentful and tensions are set to explode. The land lady is eccentric and Susan is spiraling into paranoia.

She distrusts the handyman, resents the babysitter and alienates her husband. Then she becomes convinced that demonic bedbugs are over-running her home. This is good but Susan is such a dislikeable shrew, you don't care about her or her hysterical drama.

~
Star Trek Enterprise The Romulan War: To Brave The Storm by Michael A. Martin

The 'Destiny' saga got 3 books, the 'Typhon Pact' got 4 and 'The Romulan War' gets only 2. But based on this misfire, that is a good thing. This was a bitter disappointment. It is a badly written tale of the dark years of the Earth/Romulan war, victory, the peace treaty and the signing of the Federation charter.

The Enterprise sits out most of the war while huge battles happen off the page and planetary genocides are mentioned as having happened. This is a frustrating read as years can suddenly pass between chapters and all big events seem to happen off the pages.

It is amazing the Federation charter was ever signed at all as Vulcan sat out the war due to snotty hippy T'Pau. Ugh, after all the build up in 'The Good That Men Do', 'Kobayashi Maru' and 'Beneath The Raptor's Wings', this is a failure of epic proportions.

~
The Evil Inside by Heather Graham

I thought this was a horror novel but it is not. It is a ghastly, badly written, BORING paranormal romance.
Scary Books

Sanctuary 3x01 Review

Kali, part 3

SHUT UP Magnus. The new opening credits theme is awful noise. Why did they never bring Ashley back? Go away Kate, you're not wanted. The boring baddie (Callum Blue) lurks. Terrence and his Shatner line readings annoy. Will annoys. There is bad dialogue and terrible acting. Plus TPTB will not give up that split screen crap.

The 'tsunami' looks like a firehose. Magnus cannot talk like a human being. SHUT UP Magnus. Terrence's 'Jurassic Park' dino frill trick is dumb. There is a rip off of a scene from 'Gladiator'. Everything is resolved by Magnus being smug and bullying. This was terrible.

Best Line:
"Dude, that is gross."
Scary Books

Ringer 1x09 Review

Shut Up And Eat Your Bologna

Olivia is scum. Andrew broods in well-lit profile and Bridget sees Siobhan's shrink. Malcolm suspects 'Charlie' the evil sponsor. Gemma's fate is revealed. More about Bridget going on the run is revealed. Gemma and Henry's twins finally show up.

Bridget loves Andrew. Siobhan's shrink needs to shut up. Siobhan is a ho, ho, ho. Just how much financial trouble is Andrew in? Charlie is evil and Bridget finally cops on. Just what long con is Siobhan up to? White trash in trouble! This was dull.

Best Lines:
"This is not your life."

"You're pretending to be his dead wife. How can there be any trust in that?"

"I only got so much room is my basement."
Scary Books

Chase 1x14 Review

Father Figure

The team are under investigation after their disgusting bullying in 'Narco 1&2'. Jimmy's engaged and is still drooling over Annie. The baddie o'the week (Eric Mabius of 'Outcasts' and 'Ugly Betty') is gross. Annie is gross and bullying. The team wonder what Luke is saying to IA and treat him like billy-no-mates.

The villain gets away due to Annie show boating. Daisy whines and gets a retcon for a back story. If the team hadn't been bullying idiots they'd have caught the baddie. This was boring. Luke tells Jimmy where to go finally. I cannot stand any of these characters.
Scary Books

Terra Nova 1x08 Review

Vs

The 'Fenton The Dog' video is more interesting than this show. Terra Nova has a festival to celebrate Taylor's arrival. Jim plays at being the moral centre of Terra Nova, oh piss off tool. Jim finds a body buried under Pilgrim's Tree.

The acting on this show is on level with 'Made In Chelsea'. The Sixers annoy and spy on Terra Nova with dragonflies. Maddie needs to shut up. Elizabeth technobabbles about time travel leaving a signature in the body.

Taylor tells Jim some deep dark secrets about Terra Nova and his scum son. Jim and Elizabeth need to SHUT UP. Lucas lurks again and he is the worst actor on this show, which is saying a lot. Why am I supposed to care about the real plans for Terra Nova or Lucas trying to kill his father? How does Terra Nova have fireworks? Oh I'm bored, this was crappy.
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Scary Books

Book Reviews: Hard Spell + The Mammoth Book Of Best New Horror 22

Hard Spell by Justin Gustainis

The 1st in the Occult Crimes Unit Investigation series. Finally the Angry Robot publishing house has produced a readable book. Stan Markowski is a cop who investigates crimes in Scranton's supernatural community.

Whilst investigating strange murders Markowski learns that a Dread Tome Of Evil Lore, a mysterious wizard, an all knowing vampire and a pair of obnoxious witch finders are all mixed up in a bizarre plot.

This is excellent, a great fun read. It's got meth addicted goblins! This is what 'Anita Blake' could have been if it hadn't gone all smutty. I am so reading the sequel 'Evil Dark'.

~
The Mammoth Book Of Best New Horror 22 edited by Stephen Jones

The introduction is Jones' usual rant.

What Will Come After
A wannabe literary zombie tale. It didn't work for 'The Reapers are the Angels' and it does not work here.

Substitutions
A delightful slice of Lovecraft in the burbs. A man receives someone else’s online grocery shopping and becomes too curious about the intended recipient. Excellent.

A Revelation of Cormorants
Bird watching goes wrong. Navel gazing boredom.

Out Back
An idiot moves to a remote house and gets his unfortunate pet, his best friend and himself killed by a monster cos he's a moron. Dumb.

Fort Clay, Louisiana: A Tragical History
A photographer visits an old fort and learns of its history of yellow fever and murder. Good.

The Lemon In The Pool
An ex-pat finds something in her pool. Uh.

The Pier
A couple visits a pier, bad things happen. Good.

Featherweight
A couple gets into a car crash. Bizarre.

Black Country
A policeman goes to his old home. Bad, bad, bad.

Lavender And Lychgates
A tale of family, love and a cemetery. Very good.

Christmas With The Dead
In the midst of a zombie apocalypse, a man decides to celebrate Christmas. Excellent.

Best Line:
"It was a new world, and it sucked. And sometimes it chewed."

We All Fall Down
Emma doesn't understand why Holly hates her now but soon she will. Good.

Losenef Express
A bizarre tale of a doppelganger.

Telling
A bizarre tale of a house.

As Red As Red
A woman investigates New England legends and meets one. Good.

With The Angels
Bickering relatives look through an empty house. Good.

Autumn Chill
An okay poem.
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Rachel Getting Married + The Adventures of Robin Hood + GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra

Rachel Getting Married (2008)
Kym gets out of rehab and heads home to disrupt her sister's wedding. Kym is a drama queen and Rachel (it's Charmain from 'United States of Tara'!) just wants one day where people pay attention to her for once. But everything becomes all about Kym, again. Meanwhile their dad enables Kym, their mother (Debra Winger) is distant. This was dull and looks like a home video. It's too much in love with itself.

Best Line:
"Didn't I see you on COPS?"

~
The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938)
It's 1191 and King Richard has been captured and Prince John plans to rule along with his toady Sir Guy (Basil Rathbone). But Robin Hood and his hero shots plans to thwart him. Like 'Siege of the Saxons', I don't get this. It's dull and the big swordfight looks sped up.

Plus too much of this plot was parodied in 'Men In Tights'. Marian is a rude idiot and has eye watering outfits. Robin Hood waves his sword over his head like it is a handbag and everything is a bit too camp. King Richard shows up and it all ends. Thankfully. This was just dull.

Best Lines:
"Why you speak treason."
"Fluently."


~
GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra (2009)
This was silly but rather fun. It opens with a bizarre prologue. A weapons designer (Christopher Eccleston of 'Doctor Who') has a plan to do bad things. Meanwhile Duke (the stolid Channing Tatum) and his BFF join up with GI Joe led by General Hawk (Dennis Quaid) to foil the evil forces of, well they don't have a name yet so let us just call them evil forces.

There's a training montage and one liners but the bad guys are way more interesting. There is an attack on Paris and the GI Joes get rightfully arrested for blatant property destruction. Duke is stupid and there is a showdown at an underwater base as the Baroness (Sienna Miller), Storm Shadow and Cobra Commander (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) duel with Snake Eyes (Ray Park), Duke and Scarlett (Rachel Nichols of 'The Inside').

Granted the action scenes can be murky, Tatum's acting is dire and everyone else overacts but it's okay fun. I was actually interested in the sequel until I read that in 'GI Joe 2' there is no Destro, Cobra Commander, Baroness, Hawk or Scarlett. Well then, I've now lost all interest in 'GI Joe 2'. Well done Hollywood.

Best Lines:
"I've been thinking."
"You know I warned you about that."

"He gave up."
"He never gives up."

"He doesn't speak."
"Why?"
"He doesn't say."

"He's still alive."
"He can't be. He's got three inch needles in his head."

"When all else fails. We don't."

"We survived that blast, somewhat."

"Damn that ninja's fast."

"This will only hurt a little. What comes next, more so."