September 27th, 2011

Scary Books

Quotes and Stuff

Coming Soon: reviews of 'The Fades' series 1.

'Doctor Who' Quotes:

"Dark Lord of all."

"I have nightmares about that face."

"A persistent nagging sense of spiritual emptiness."

"Why is there a sinister beeping coming from behind me?"

"Emotional subsystems rebooting."

To Light The Way To Bed

Roisin Dubh Issue 1 Reviewed

This is a nice black&white Irish comic about a Buffy expy in 1899. Roisin is an unhappy whiny rich girl until one day a Neamh-Mharibh (vampire) is dug up and attacks her and her parents. Roisin lives, sort of. Her parents well, that's for issue 2.

Anyway the Neamh-Mharibh is a former Chieftan that's been buried for 1000 years and it's hungry. Roisin is tasked by the Lord of the Underworld and the Crow of the Battlefield to kill it and find out who dug it up and why.

This is good. The stark b&w art adds to the gothic feel of the tale. Granted Roisin is an annoying whiner but that can be overlooked.

Best Line:
"Until today he had been restrained in his grace for over a thousand years."
Scary Books

Book Review: Gaslight Arcanum

Gaslight Arcanum: Uncanny Tales of Sherlock Holmes edited by J.R. Campbell and Charles Prepolec
Like its predecessors 'Gaslight Grimoire' and 'Gaslight Grotesque' this is a mixed bag with some underwritten stories and never quite reaches the heights it could have.

The Comfort of the Seine
An attempt to explain where Holmes learned his skills and why he is so unfeeling. It starts out well enough but the mid story twist was ludicrous.

The Adventure of Lucifer's Footprints
Badly written dreck about mysterious footprints in the English countryside. I've read better 'Sherlock' fanfic than this.

The Deadly Sin of Sherlock Holmes
Holmes encounters a deadly tome of eldritch lore. Things get all too ludicrous and the writer ignores the unforgivable 'experiment' Holmes does on Watson.

The Color That Came to Chiswick
Lovecraftian horrors lurk in a brewery. Awful.

From The Tree of Time
Dracula tells of a investigation he and Holmes conducted. Okay.

The Executioner
A different take on how Holmes survived Reichenbach. Good.

A Country Death
An old retired bee keeper dies and a detective investigates dark goings on. Excellent, this redeems the tome.

Sherlock Holmes and the Great Game
Holmes and Watson investigate deep in the Canadian ice but they aren't the Holmes and Watson you think you know. Good.

Sherlock Holmes and the Diving Bell
A man dead for five years is speaking from 90 fathoms down, or is he? Good.

The Greatest Mystery
Mysterious murders puzzle the duo. I misliked this.

The House of Blood
Sherlock Holmes in modern day Las Vegas. Dull.

The Adventures of the Six Maledictions
Moran and Moriarty steal six cursed objects and their owners soon come looking. This is hilarious and very good.

Best Lines:
"Bohemian kings...I am besieged with the consequences of their mischief."

"But Mr Holmes, the codex has been linked to numerous crimes! In fact, it is directly responsible for several ghastly murders."
"Is the book so poorly written,...as to incite the readers to violence? Then why not simply fling the offending volume into the fireplace?"

Scary Books

Tape Tales of 2000 and 199?

Cleared out two tapes and was shuddering. Did I like this stuff? Why??!?!

The 2000 tape began with a 'Star Trek Voyager' ep 'Good Shepherd' which rips off the TNG ep 'Lower Decks' which VOY already ripped off. Anyway a misfit bunch of losers and idiots are whipped into shape by Janeway aka Bligh with bad hair. This was boring with bad CGI, bad acting, technobabble and endless yapping. One wonders: why did Harry Kim never get promoted and does a dark matter proto comet actually exist?

Then came a 'Xena: Warrior Princess' ep 'Eve' which dragged out the dreadful Eve/Livia plot even more. Joxer and his son Virgil tagalong with Xena and Gaby to hunt Eve/Livia. Livia kills people, Ares yells and there is bad acting, awful old age makeup, bad fights and way too much yapping. The dialogue is terrible, Joxer is STILL in love with Gab and disrespects his wife. Livia kills Joxer, FINALLY, Xena and Livia have a bad fight and in the only cool moment of the ep Livia slices the chakram with her sword. This was dire.

Then came a 'Popular' ep 'Fall on your knees' which Nicole is taught the true meaning of Christmas. Nicole recalls her dead BFF Marley Jacob who died of suicide by anorexia. Sam annoys, Carmen whines and is Tiny Tim. Mary Cherry is the Ghost of Christmas Present. This is a sappy morality tale.

Best Line:
"I'll put Carmen on the squad when hell freezes over and/or Melissa Joan Hart gets nominated for an oscar."

Finally there was another 'Xena: Warrior Princess' ep 'Motherhood' in which Eve wanders around with no agency, the Olympians plot, there are way too many long idiot fight scenes, idiot Eli followers yap and Xena kills gods like Poseidon, Discord and Hades. Awful stuff.

The 2nd tape was from the 90's. Up first was a boring 'The Pretender' ep 'Bulletproof' in which Jarod posed as a SWAT officer. Miss Parker, Broots and Sydney continue to stroll around hunting Jarod and Miss P is endlessly unpleasant. Jarod looks good in his uniform and looks at his trusty collection of newspaper clippings. Dude I'd like to see how your pretends would go post 9/11 and with a collapsing newspaper industry.

Then came another 'The Pretender' ep 'Crash' in which Jarod pulls faces and investigates a plane crash. Meanwhile Miss Parker and Broots go undercover at a reunion and learn a secret about Mr Lyle. Boring.

Then came a 'Queen of Swords' ep 'Betrayed'. The Queen's secret identity was hidden by a tiny black lace mask which nobody ever pulled off during the shows short run. Vera and her idiot accent annoy, Peter Wingfield was barely in this series, evil dudes plot and it's all stupid. The evil dude's sidekick actually makes 'Curses! Drat! Foiled, yet again!' faces.

Then came a 'The Pretender' two parter 'Bloodlines 1&2' in which Jarod tries to find his idiot family, again. Sydney once again fails to express any remorse for stealing Jarod as a child. Everything looks pastel. Miss Parker learns she has a twin brother but does not know which of the many men with personality disorders in her life is her bro (hint it's the hooker killing cannibal Mr Lyle who now plays Mike the plumber on 'Desperate Housewives') Jarod's family come across as thick. This was boring with endless yapping and face pulling. Jake Lloyd shows off his bad acting and there is the lamest fireball in the history of tv cliffhangers.