August 30th, 2011

To Light The Way To Bed

United States of Tara 3x08 + True Blood 3x08 Reviewed

Chicken 'n' Corn
Tara makes a spectacle of herself, again. Marshall is tired of taking care of his parents. Kate meets her boyfriend's horrible son. Charmain makes the mistake of asking Tara to babysit her baby. Tara endangers the baby and lies to Charmain about it.

Marshall whines, Tara doesn't want to deal with anything and goes mental. This prompts a dark alter to emerge. This was okay, Eddie Izzard is the best thing in this.

Best Lines:
"Use words he can relate to."

"Stole a handful of mom's wacky tablets."

"If you don't want to end up hanging from an extension cord tied to a rafter in the pantry while your toddler is poking at your toes, true story, sit back down and have another cocktail."

Night on the Sun
Sookie's dumb and dismissive. Bill manipulates. Sookie is the least interesting person on this show. Sophie-Anne moves in with her husband, Talbot sulks and has too much gel in his hair. Arlene dreams of Rene, fake Cajun accent and all.

Sookie's stupid. Sam gets another reminder that his birth family are horrible horrible people. Witches are mentioned. Sookie is selfish. Tara speaks the truth, Sookie won't listen. Lafayette's mother shows up, Sookie ignores Alcide and is stupid, Talbot tantrums and breaks things. Jason's dumb, Debbie Pelt annoys, Sookie and Bill get it on. Eric and Talbot get it on and then Eric stakes Talbot. This was good.

Best Lines:
"Hillbilly freak show."

"Russell took my family, now I take his."

"Franklin's brains won't wash off the guest linens. I had to bury werewolves under the gazebo."

"You can't buy your way out of everything."
"Of course I can."

"They killed my Cooter!"

"I enjoy a good head ripping as much as the next vampire."

"You know what you sound like? One of those sad country songs about dumb bitches who let their men cheat and beat on them, all for the sake of true love. Let me tell you something. At the end of those songs the dumb bitches always end up dead."

"She and her pack of weretrash."

"Go ahead leave. Like you've been doing for centuries."

"I'm bored, take off your clothes."

Scary Books

More Stuff

The Lost Boys: The Thirst’ trailer
The 2nd sequel to 'The Lost Boys’ that nobody asked for. Corey Haim’s cameo in ‘The Tribe’ was unrecognisable. In this film Alan Frog has also aged badly but not as bad as that. I miss Michael and David staring at each other.

There will be no review of ‘The Vampire Diaries’ ep 2x12 ‘The Descent’ just because it’s a bit rubbish.

Hot chili orange choc is very nice.
To Light The Way To Bed

Retro Review: Two Eps of Hammer House of Mystery and Suspense (1984)

Child’s Play
A TV movie with a creepy plot: a family awakens to find themselves trapped in their own home. The husband and wife at first have a somewhat low key reaction to finding that all the doors and windows are blocked by a mysterious impenetrable grey wall. Their horrible daughter Sarah (who cannot act at all) sulks.

The house is hot and getting hotter, the phone doesn’t work, the water is cut off but the electricity still works. The jerk hubby tries to hack his way out with an axe, the wife (Mary Crosby) flutters and when they switch on the TV, all there is being broadcast is an ominous symbol.

This leads to yelling about aliens and or nuclear war. Sarah brats out. Everyone’s sweating and unseen in one room green goo is pouring down the chimney and covering the floor. So far so creepy? Well sort of, the acting is terrible. But the green goo and the wife discovering the weird symbol is on everything in the house is unnerving.

The ante ups, clocks don’t work. Sarah gets brattier and the wife says children don’t act like that. They aren’t rude, secretive, tantrum throwing liars who set fires. Poor deluded woman. The family finally notice the green goo and in desperation try to dig under the wall but as they rip up the floorboard they make another creepy discovery.

Then comes the ending which you will either see as brilliant or crap, it all depends. Everything is explained and the meaning of the symbol and the family’s fate is really really creepy. This is memorable but dull.

The Walls Came Tumbling Down
This TV movie centres on a 17th century church which is to be demolished. But a power cord strangles a builder setting a bizarre chain of events in motion. How can a power cord be aware and have an agenda do you ask? Well flashbacks to the past reveal that satanists once lurked and used the church for their own agenda.

The flashbacks to the 17th century are the best part of this. The lead satanist has a porn tache and a creepy stare, a reluctant satanist who is a David Tennant look-alike gurns and the Satanists plan revenge at some future date.

In the uninteresting modern day, people with faces like old boots wonder what all the weirdness with the church is about. There is bad acting, bad perms, an idiotic escape from police custody, a big confrontation during which people just stand around and everyone has laid back reactions to everything. This is very, very slow moving and the ending is a total WTF. Still these two eps were better than the really up itself 'Masters of Horror'.

Best Lines:
It’s just a reinforcing wall.”
“Oh come on, what is it reinforcing?”