July 20th, 2011

Scary Books

Movie Review: Marley and Me (2008)

The story of a couple and their horrible dog and the various domestic dramas that ensue. This was an okay sap fest and Eric Dane looked hot. But how did a reporter afford such big houses? Why did the delayed honeymoon in Ireland look as if Ireland never left the 19th century? Why did they never train the nightmare mutt? Did Jenny never change her hairstyle?

Best Line:
“Her name is whoops.”
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Tape Tale of '99

Cleared out a tape from 1999. Firstly it had season one ‘Martial Law’ ep ‘Cop Out’ which was boring full of overly long fight scenes and unfunny comedy. Sammo infiltrates a gang of vigilantes and Dana wears overly short skirts. This was a prime example of a show that was screwed by the network meddling.

Best Lines:
Last night’s sting went off without a hitch except for throwing Lennox through the window.”
“The door was locked.”

Then came a season 4 ‘Xena, Warrior Princess’ ep ‘The Play’s the Thing’ in which Gabrielle and her ugly haircut and ugly outfit was pompous and tried to turn her scroll into a play. It’s a blatant and unfunny rip off of ‘The Producers’.

Best Lines:
“Interactive theatre. Everybody join in.”

“A warlord Humongous is behaving in a destructive way. No doubt as a result of his impoverished upbringing and other societal factors beyond his control.”

Then came a season 6 ‘The X Files’ ep ‘Rain King’ in which heart shaped hail falls, Mulder nearly gets taken out by a flying cow and a whiny woman, a weather man and a rain maker are in a triangle of doom. Then came the season 2 ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ ep ‘Go Fish’ which guest starred Wentworth Miller of 'Prison Break'. The school swim team get up to stuff. Xander joins the team and the coach is creepy. This was boring as Wentworth Miller said in this ep: “Dude, what is that foulness?”
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True Blood Season 3 Ep 2 + Rubicon Ep 10 + The Vampire Diaries Season 2 Ep 6 Reviewed

Beautifully Broken

I’m really sick of Bill. A vampire king prances. Lafayette enables Tara. Sookie is selfish, dumb and deluded. There is a pointless WW2 flashback. It is season 3 and the vampire fangs still look like the actors have had an accident with plastic cutlery.

Jessica breaks Hoyt’s heart. Sookie shows off her endless hot pants collection. Tara whines. Sam finds his birth parents but maybe he shouldn’t have. The vampire king and his boy toy who bears a resemblance to Kurt off ‘Glee’ plot over blood soup and blood gelato.

Tara gets her own vampire boyfriend in some guy (James Frain). Jason gets in a squad car and makes the hilarious observation that he’s never sat up front before. He and Andy drive to Hot Shot. Lorena shows up and Bill sets her on fire. This was just flat and boring.

Best Lines:
“Usually when I see things other people don’t it's cos I ain’t taken my medication.”

“You’re my best friend.”
“Now that’s just sad.”

“You honestly expect me to believe that she would allow you to move to a tiny town in the middle of a swamp and date a waitress?”

“I have a diploma from anger management where I learned talking about your feelings is the manly thing to do.”

In Whom We Trust

Kale finds a bug in his bedroom. Will and Katherine meet, she’s dumb. Tanya has 2 PhD’s and so objects to being put in the basement to do filing as punishment for doing drugs at work. Maggie’s ex is dealt with by Kale. Will makes an observation. This was boring.

Best Line:
They’re preparing for something that hasn’t happened yet.”

Plan B

The hair sweat that is Jeremy informs and annoys. Liz is still locked in the cellar and no-one has problem with it. Caroline is a snot. The annoying Bonnie helps Damon do bad things to Mason.

Damon is a jerk and overacts, why does he keep getting away with what he does? Stefan is dumb. Jeremy is gross. There is a long, pointless scene at a well. Caroline mind controls her mother. Katherine has plans. Jenna does stuff but nobody cares. This was awful and the characters are all loathsome.
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Dollhouse: Epitaphs #1 Review

Alpha, Trevor and various iterations of Ivy are building an army to fight Rossum. This is okay and the storyline intrigues. But questions remain unanswered: why is Alpha suddenly a good guy? Why did Rossum destroy civilization? When did Alpha and Ivy hook up? What became of Perrin? Why Wielders? What’ll become of Trevor? What is Directive Three? What is the purpose of all of this?

Best Line:
Most of my personalities were designed to fulfil the sexual perversions of the extremely rich.”

Nikita Season 1 Ep 16 + Supernatural Season 6 Ep 6 Reviewed

Ep 16


Michael is suspicious and he and Birkhoff find out secrets. Alex hallucinates Jaden playing a mournful violin, having a family with Nathan and her own worst nightmare. The source of Nikita’s money and loft is revealed but she’s been a little too smug.

This was excellent with moments like Alex impersonating Michael, a hint that Daniel may still be alive, wild hallucinations and heavy hints that Alex is a simmering time bomb.

Best Lines:
“My throat’s a little scratchy.”
“That’s from the screaming.”

“Why have you been chasing me?”
“Why have you been running away?”

“You need to stop getting so personally invested in the recruits. It never ends well for you. Also it’s getting kind of creepy.”

“I don’t want to be you.”
“But you will be.”

“Ask me how I got here.”

Ep 6

You Can’t Handle The Truth

Where is ‘Carry on my Wayward Son’? People tell the truth leading to a rash of suicides. Bobby’s stupid. Sam and his over plucked eyebrows and nostril flaring annoy. A dentist attacks. Castiel deals with the unseen war in Heaven. Dean drinks. Lisa is a shrew. Alas poor Mittens. Veritas runs around. Sam gets the beatdown he’s had coming since season 1. This was very good.

Best Lines:
I hate mommy. I want to burn her in her sleep.”

“I ran over a homeless man once.”

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United States of Tara Season 3 Ep 2 Reviewed


How do the family find the endless money for Tara’s splurges? Tara takes an abnormal psych class with Dr Hatteras. A college kid calls Tara “a stupid hag” and so she makes a spectacle of herself in class.

Max loses another job. Kate decides to get a TEFL job but Tara says no as all money and attention must flow to her. Hatteras believes DID does not exist and points out it is rarely diagnosed outside the USA and states it is all about attention seeking. Tara objects.

Lionel and co make a bizarre film for class. Neil is fired and he and Max fall out. Hatteras ignores Tara’s attention seeking which is wonderful to observe. Finally someone who ignores Tara’s escapades to make everything all about her.

Best Line:
Shrunken apple tits...check that tampon tail!”
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Teen Wolf Season 1 Ep 2

Second Chance at First Line

This is more entertaining then the dreary up itself ‘The Killing’. Derek lurks. Scott freaks out and is a twit. The mad lacrosse coach continues to be vastly entertaining. Lydia’s vapid.

Stiles’ dad (Linden Ashby of ‘Wild Things 3’) fails to enforce order. Scott and Stiles are stupid. Allison’s family of hunters fail to notice a werewolf on their roof. Scott is obsessed with Allison; it’s the show killing Clark and Lana from ‘Smallville’ all over again.

Jackson is a jerk. A sight gag from the ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ movie is ripped off. No-one wonders if Scott is on steroids. This was okay. Why can’t Scott talk to Derek like a normal person? Why isn’t Scott the least bit curious about his condition?
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Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows’ trailer
This looks good but Moriarty is being played by the guy who was the baddie in ‘Fringe’ season 1? I am underwhelmed.

Contagion’ trailer
Is this an ‘Outbreak’ remake? This killer virus flick looks good: “Don’t talk to anyone. Don’t touch anyone.”

‘Dallas’ 2012 promo
Jesse Metcalfe on South Fork. This looks okay: “We laid waste to everything in our path JR and for what?”

The Thing’ trailer
Another remake, sigh. What’s that thing that’s been under the ice for 100,000 years? Can’t you guess: “Not all of us are human.”

Tomorrow, When the War Began’ teaser
Aaahhh, a taster before the DVD is out. Dim bulb teenagers toast marshmallows in the wild but hark there yonder is an invasion force. What to do but pose dramatically and defiantly against the skyline? I liked this movie and await the sequel.

That 70’s Show’ Quotes
When am I moving out? Make me.”

“If half of what you say is true, everybody in this town would have VD.”

“Crying is for babies and Italians.”

Full Metal Jacket’ Quotes
“You don’t scare me. Work on it.”

“Did your parents have any children that lived?”
“Sir, yes sir.”
“I bet they regret that.”

I saw the character posters for the new ‘The Three Musketeers’. Oh no, no, no, no, no.

Am reading ‘Outpost’, it is very very good.
Scary Books

Torchwood Miracle Day Ep 1 Reviewed

The New World

It’s series 4 and death is not an option. Oswald (Bill Pullman) a creepy killer doesn’t die and neither does anyone else. Oswald’s defence at his murder trial was the line: “She should have run faster” which is so creepy and disturbing. Oswald pulls the double jeopardy card to get out of jail – did he see the Ashley Judd film too?

Rex annoys. It annoys me that those jerks from ‘Children of Earth’ like Johnson seem to have got away with all they did. Gwen and Rhys have a baby girl, a huge gun collection and live in a remote cottage.

Jack still wears that attention getting coat and talks to Esther. Jack seems to have had some bad plastic surgery, not Hunter Tylo bad but still bad. There is a supremely creepy scene with the living corpse of a bomber.

PC Andy shows up to say society will collapse in four months and then be a tool. Rhys puts his foot down. Rex staggers out of hospital stealing painkillers and a wheelchair; it’s hilarious but is it meant to be?

Rex insults Wales. An attack helicopter flies around. Rex is a tool. This was good. I’ve no idea where this is all going but I’m enjoying it.

Who emailed the word Torchwood? Why are the opening credits and music so bad? What are the 456 regulations? Who is after Jack and Gwen?

Best Lines:
“DOA’s who just won’t die.”

“It’s like the British equivalent of New Jersey.”

“Wales is insane.”

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Book Reviews: The Bachman Books + Over Sea, Under Stone + Fever Dream + While I Live + Incurable

The Bachman Books by Stephen King

These are four novellas originally published under King’s pen-name of Richard Bachman who was into “rooster worship” apparently. This is an okay collection. It’s not one of King’s better works but it is still better than ‘It’.

A disturbed teenage boy takes his class hostage for a consciousness raising session. This is alright but the main character is self obsessed and whiny, blaming everyone else for what’s gone wrong.

The Long Walk
A very good look at an alternate USA where an endurance walk is the ultimate in sports entertainment. However the story fails to answer one key question: why do they sign up for it?

A boring unreadable mess about a man who refuses to let a road crew demolish his house. For some reason as I read this I kept picturing Rutger Hauer in ‘Hobo With a Shotgun’.

The Running Man
In the future a poor man enters the ultimate game how to win money to get a doctor for his sick child. This is an okay bleak look at the future.

Over Sea, Under Stone by Susan Cooper

The 1st book of ‘The Dark is Rising’ sequence. The Drew siblings are on holiday in Cornwall and it’s all very Enid Blyton. Then they find a parchment in the attic and great-uncle Merry tells them it’s their task to find a hidden treasure.

But the minions of the Dark are also after it. So it is race to see who’ll find it first. This is good and full of nuggets of British mythology.

Fever Dream by Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child

Special Agent Pendergast learns that his wife Helen being killed by a lion during a hunting trip in Africa was no accident. In fact it was an overly complicated murder. This discovery unhinges Pendergast even more than usual and he drags his BFF Vincent D’Agosta off to help him locate the killer.

Pendergast’s roaring rampage of revenge goes from Africa to a swamp in the Deep South. People die, Pendergast is clearly losing his mind and a greater mystery becomes obvious.

Helen had a secret life her husband knew nothing about; in fact it seems he knew nothing about the woman he married. Pendergast’s revenge comes at cost (especially to poor D’Agosta) but there is far more going on then he knows about. This is good, the first decent Preston&Child novel since ‘The Ice Limit’. I will be reading the follow up ‘Cold Vengeance’.

Will it answer questions like: What was up with Helen and her family and why on earth is D’Agosta still friends with Pendergast? D’Agosta has damaged his career and his relationship with his girlfriend for Pendergast who in return has manhandled him, patronised him, stalked him, manipulated him and endangered his life. It’s like Bella and Edward.

There was one big disappointing moment in this book and that is when D’Agosta is seriously threatened and we get zero reaction from Pendergast. Still the subtext vibes are as strong as ever no matter how hard Preston&Child make their ham fisted efforts to side step it. When I picture the characters in my head I see Vincent D’Onofrio as D’Agosta and Julian Sands as Pendergast.

Previous Preston&Child novels were ‘Relic’ which told of D’Agosta and Pendergast’s first meeting and was a bit dull despite featuring a museum beast. Then came ‘Mount Dragon’ which had annoying characters and an asspull ending with virtual reality. Then there was ‘Reliquary’ which was dumb and featured evil mutant homeless people and our heroes eating rat tartar. Finally we got ‘Riptide’ which was about treasure hidden in a water pit and is their best work. Then came ‘Thunderhead’ which wasn’t good and was about Anazai treasure. Then came ‘The Ice Limit’ which is their second best work and is about a meteorite.

Then came their long downward trend which began with ‘The Cabinet of Curiosities’ which had general idiocy and Pendergast vs an immortal serial killer and D’Agosta wasn’t in it as he’d been written out. Then there was ‘Still Life With Crows’ which was Pendergast vs he who walks behind the rows in this moronical tale. Then came ‘Brimstone’ which wrote D’Agosta back in as he and his BFF took on Hannibal Lecter-lite. Then came ‘Dance of Death’/’Book of the Dead’ which was a boring two parter in which the BFF’s took on Pendergast’s evil brother and Pendergast was given a love interest in the ridiculous Viola. Then came ‘The Wheel of Darkness’ which was ridiculous as Pendergast looked at a painting and went mad and his ward Constance took up space. Then came ‘Cemetery Dance’ in which the BFF took on boring zombies. Like I said, this is their first good book in years.

While I Live by John Marsden

This is the 8th in the ‘Tomorrow Series’ saga. I haven’t read books 2 to 7 so I’ve a lot to catch up on. The war is over and Ellie and her friends (those who survived anyway) are dealing with the uneasy peace.

Ellie’s back on her family’s farm and things are okay until tragedy strikes. Now Ellie has to cope with the aftermath and rebuild her life. The war may be over but the fight is not. This good, things are as bleak as ever and will never go back to what they were. I really want to read books 2 to 7 despite the fact that the slang is incomprehensible at times.

Incurable by John Marsden

The 9th book in the ‘Tomorrow Series’ is an utter mess. Ellie and co get involved in border raids. But the bulk of the story centres on Gavin the feral brat Ellie is caring for in the post war reconstruction. Gavin needs locking up. This is awful.