July 13th, 2011

Scary Books

The Vampire Diaries Season 2 Ep 5 Review

Kill or Be Killed

Tyler still lies. Jeremy annoys. There are exposition dumps, I hate those. Caroline is still trashy and snotty to her mother Liz, why does Liz let her away with her backtalk and disrespect? Stefan and Damon antagonise Mason, why?

Mason tells Liz what Stefan and Damon are. Liz tries to take them out and as a result finds out what Caroline is. Liz rejects Caroline who can’t cope with it. Caroline’s massive entitlement issues make her unable to see how she caused the rift with her mother. Damon is a jerk. Tyler has a stupid drunk idiot as a houseguest.

Elena has no issues with Damon imprisoning Liz is a cellar to be brainwashed. WTF is wrong with her? Mason has secrets and is being manipulated. This was a worthless ep full of worthless people. I’m tired of shows full of pretty people devouring themselves over ‘love’.
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Ponderings

There will be no further reviews of ‘Pretty Little Liars’ as it is dreadful and populated by morons.

Reviews for ‘Torchwood: Miracle Day’ are forthcoming.

I missed the first ‘Torchwood: The Lost Files’ radio play of 2011. So there will be no review of ‘The Devil & Miss Carew’.

Saw ‘Fever Dream’ in a bookstore and skimmed it. It actually made me want to buy the upcoming ‘Cold Vengeance’. I mean look at the two heroic leads Pendergast and D’Agosta, you just know the authors can see the subtext and are furiously trying to hide it. D’Agosta has consistently and voluntarily damaged his career and relationship with his galpal for his BFF Pendergast. He lets Pendergast control his life and dictate his actions. So when Pendergast comes out and compares D’Agosta to his dead wife, where else does the mind go?

~
Tales of the Slayer, Vol. 2’ Quotes:
When magick happens and the world goes wonky, it was often good to make oneself in to a moving target. Because sometimes something evil was watching.”

“They’d pulled her out of heaven. Again.”


‘Hawaii Five-0’ Quote:
“What’s with the ambush? Why are you dressed like a ninja? What are you doing?”

~
Hobo With A Shotgun’ trailer
Words fail me, I thought ‘Planet Terror’ was the nadir but this must be.

Vengeance Unlimited’ promo
This was a bad promo but this 1998-99 show was really good.

‘Torchwood’ 4x02 promo
Jack in peril! Wah!
Traveler

Nikita Season 1 Ep 15 +Supernatural Season 6 Ep 5 Reviewed

Ep 15

Alexandra


While on an assignment, Alex meets a friend from the past. Alex tries to help her and her old friend promptly hands her over to an enemy. Nikita is smug but she shouldn’t be. Flashbacks to Alex’s past show her rich beyond the dreams of avarice family and it is strongly hinted that Nikita killed Alex’s family. Michael shows up. Alex is shot up with drugs and then left in Amanda’s tender graces. This was okay.

~
Ep 5

Live Free or Twihard


After some lame ‘Twilight’ spoofs, Dean is attacked by a vampire and turned into one while Sam watches being smirky. ‘Twilight’ obsessed teen girls are being preyed on by vampires. Annoying grandpa Samuel turns up to annoy and sneer at Dean.

Jared Padalecki’s acting is as ever appalling. I don’t care about Sam’s latest plotline. Nor do I care about Dean nearly chewing on orange Lisa and Ben. Dean encounters a creepy vampire and has a weird hallucination. Samuel has a cure for vampirism, what is this ‘Blade: Trinity’? This ep was dull and ended without resolution.

Best Lines:
“Are you wearing glitter?”

“We don’t scare them anymore.”
Scary Books

True Blood Season 3 Ep 1+United States of Tara Season 3 Ep 1+Rubicon Ep 9 Reviewed

True Blood 3x01

Bad Blood

Sookie runs around shrieking for Bill. Meanwhile Bill is annoying like Felix in season 2 of ‘One Tree Hill’, sadly unlike Felix Bill can’t be packed off to military school due to general foolishness never to seen again. Sookie is self obsessed; she’s like Chris on ‘One Tree Hill’ an idiot.

Eggs is dead and Tara screams and unravels. Jessica’s killed someone and is stupid. Andy covers for Jason’s role in Egg’s death. Eric needs to put some clothes on. Bill is loathsome. The vampire queen annoys, the casting of the vampire queen was a massive mistake. Arlene’s pregnant, there is V dealing, Jason tries to get it on and werewolves show up. This was awful and pondering the legend of Yggdrasil is more interesting than anything that happened in this ep.

Best Lines:
“I’m sorry you fell in love with a serial killer, alright. But honestly who here hasn’t?”

“How is that helpful Pam?”

~
United States of Tara 3x01

...youwillnotwin...

No wonder this axed. Neil proposes, Charmaine is thoughtless and Tara decides to go back to college. Lionel annoys and Kate’s debt collection job has vanished. One of Tara’s college lecturers is played by Eddie Izzard. Tara’s alters show up. This was uh; Tara is an unpleasant selfish person.

How is Tara paying for college is Max lost a job? What happened to her interior design job or her interest in art?

~
Ep 9

No Honesty in Men

Will decides to ask out his neighbour Andy who he has been spying on Andy is female BTW. Will (who looks scarily like Matthew Morrison) talks his way into Andy’s place and spills all his secrets to her. For some reason he isn’t concerned that she lets him and his stuff hang out at her place instead of calling the cops on the nutter.

Grant’s angry wife shows up at the API to rant. The boring Katherine plot goes on, where did her kids go? Tanya’s been sent to rehab. Spangler lurks. Andy snoops. Miles fancies someone and Will gets some. This was dull.
Scary Books

Tape Tales from 1999 to 2002

Cleared out four tapes. I still have more to go but I have to do it piecemeal, I just can’t bring myself to throw them all out. First up was a tape from 2001 or 2002. It began with ‘Blood Ties’ a season 5 ep of ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ in which Buffy finally tells her ill-used friends that Dawn is the key. The idiot knights prance around. Willow and Tara do a spell in the middle of the street.

Willow has a vile haircut and talks like she is five. Dawn tantrums. Ben (Charlie Weber) talks to Dawn. Dawn says she doesn’t like marshmallows which is a big fat lie as she ate one in season 6. Then she tells Ben she is the key. Weber overacts in response and the whole Ben is Glory deal is revealed. There is really bad fight chorography. Willow and Tara use glitter magic on Glory. Buffy recovers from an injury quickly.

Best Lines:
The bigger they are...”
“The faster they stomp you into nothing.”

“Time to start the dying.”

Then was a season 2 ‘Angel’ ep ‘Happy Anniversary’ in which Wesley, Cordy and Gunn have set up on their own. Cordy wears ugly clothes and has bad hair. Angel circles the drain. Lorne lurks. The world is about to end, again. A scientist does boring stuff. Wesley’s girlfriend amuses which is probably why she vanished from the show never to be seen again.

Best Lines:
“They come in for a reading. Then they don’t want to know, especially when the psychic faints.”

“You have neither the opportunity nor the intelligence to perpetrate this crime.”

Then came a ‘Cleopatra 2525’ ep ‘Out of Body’ in which there is way too much camp over acting, Rainia sends Cleo to another plane of existence and everything is childish and annoying.

Finally there was a ‘Kindred: The Embraced’ ep, the very first ep ‘The Embraced’ which starred the late Mark Frankel as Julian Luna. In a city full of secrets there is no one more mysterious then Julian Luna. Mark Frankel did brooding well. But the show is blighted by Frank (C Thomas Howell who cannot act to save his life) who is out to get Luna and is screwing Luna’s discarded mistress Alexandra (Kate Vernon).

There are exposition dumps, Frank is utterly unprofessional, Alexandra flits around, Cash annoys, Eddie annoys and vampires shoot guns at each other. Why Frank has a job is unclear as he comes across as unstable with his badly acted yelling and blatant provocation.

The leader (Jeff Kober) of the Nosferatu clan seems to live in Julian’s basement. Lilli (Stacy Haiduk) simpers, Frank is stupid and there is ridiculous dialogue. Julian sinks into the earth to cuddle his dead wife bones in her grave which is utterly icky and creepy in hindsight.

Julian meets his great granddaughter Sasha who is ‘troubled’. Everyone talks in a really stilted fashion. Alexandra truly annoys and the acting is dire. Frank finally notices his girlfriend doesn’t have a heartbeat – HOW DUMB IS HE?!? Frank gurns when Alexandra tells him there are vampires all around him Julian cries tears of blood, Alexandra turns into a wolf.

Interesting plotlines like Alexandra and Julian’s history is ignored in favour of Julian inexplicably promising to protect Frank. Alexandra dies. Or does she? Frank tries to murder Julian and then makes a big speech which is awful as his acting is dire. Did nobody at any point think to recast the role or cut his scenes? It’s that bad. This was awful but had potential.

Best Lines:
“He likes to stay in the shadows.”

“They aren’t old enough to know what bad things I can do to them.”

~
The second tape was from 2000 and opened with a ‘Star Trek: Voyager’ ep ‘Unimatrix Zero’ in which there is more Borg dumbness. Borg drones dream, the Borg queen sneers, the Doctor patronises Seven and Janeway, Tuvok and Torres becomes Borg as part of a cunning plan. This was awful.

Then came a ‘Popular’ ep ‘Caged’ in which the guys think periods turn the girls into beasts so they lock them in the girl’s loo. The girls slap fight and all want to date the bland moron Josh. This was dull.

Then came ‘M is for Morlock’ which was a ‘G vs E’ ep. A baby is stolen, Morlocks run an adoption scam and the characters are all idiots in this boring mess.

Finally there was the first ever ‘Andromeda’ ep ‘Under the Night’ in which Dylan Hunt (Kevin Sorbo) overacts and falls into a black hole for 300 years. Steve Bacic lurks. Tyr poses with a big gun. This show actually had a decent plot arc going until Sorbo had it ditched midway through season 2 for being complicated. This was dull.

~
The third tape was from 2002 and started out with a season 1 ‘Smallville’ ep ‘Nicodemus’ in which spores make townsfolk act insane. Pa Kent goes gun happy, Lana strips to her undies and does a back flip on the diving board. Clark gives Lex a head injury. I wasn’t interested.

Then came a season 6 ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ ep ‘Dead Things’ in which Buffy finally talks to Tara. Sadly Buffy only wants to discuss herself. The trio turn Warren’s ex into a sex slave and then kill her. The Buffy/Spike ickness goes on. Buffy makes everything all about her. This was boring.

Then came a season 3 ‘Angel’ ep ‘Birthday’ in which Cordy’s visions are killing her. Phantom Dennis shows up. Skip the not so friendly demon debut. Cordy sees how her life could have turned out. She could have had her own crappy sitcom ‘Cordy!’. Cordy decides to become part demon. This bored.

Then came another season 6 ‘Buffy’ ep ‘Older and Far Away’ in which Dawn continues her shoplifting and whining. Buffy’s birthday party goes awry due to Dawn shrieking, yelling and needing a good slap. This was awful. What happened to Kit and Carlos?

~
The fourth tape was from 1999. It opened with a season 7 ‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’ ep ‘The Emperor’s New Cloak’ in which people skip back and forth between universes. People talk and talk and talk. Regent Worf overacts badly. There is an idiot plot and bad, bad dialogue.

Then came a ‘Vengeance Unlimited’ ep ‘Critical’ in which a rich boy kills his daddy and gets away with it. But vigilantes Mr Chapel and KC get vengeance upon him. Rich boy’s idiot squeaky voiced friend annoys and drags the ep down. This was dull and had overly camp acting.

Then there was another ‘Vengeance Unlimited’ ep ‘Legalese’ in which a sick kid with sparkling hair has been poisoned by fertilizer. So Mr Chapel and KC seek vengeance on an evil lawyer. Mr Chapel wields a chainsaw, this was okay.

Best Line:
You do know that’s a bad thing don’t you?”

Finally there was a ‘Nash Bridges’ ep ’25 Hours of Christmas’ in which the precinct is overrun by Christmas uncheer. This was dull. Kate Vernon guess starred. What did she do to her face in-between this gig and ‘Battlestar Galactica’?
Scary Books

Teen Wolf (2011 - 2017) Ep 1 Review

Wolf Moon
I’ve never seen the movies but I read ‘Twilight’ and saw the movie version and am firmly on Team Jacob. So I gave this a chance. The idiot hero and his idiot friend wander into a murder scene. The idiot hero Scott gets bit by a werewolf. Jackson the school jerk harasses Scott. But Scott is too busy drooling over Allison the Bella Swan expy to care.

The boys play lacrosse, there is bad CGI and the lacrosse coach is mad. The brooding Derek lurks, Jackson is stupid and nosey. The werewolf makeup is terrible; it is the attack of Eddie Munster. Werewolf hunters are lurking in the woods and gosh darn it; Allison’s dad is the boss of them. This okay but Scott needs to learn the rules of the genre he is in: careful who you trust, careful who you love.

Best Lines:
“Beautiful people herd together.”

“What about me?”
“Try not to take any in the face.”

“The bite is a gift.”
“I don’t want it.”
“You will.”
Scary Books

Book Reviews: The Peerless Peer + Full Dark, No Stars

The Peerless Peer by Philip Jose Farmer

During WW1, Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are sent on a mission. Unfortunately their plane crashes stranding the duo in Africa. Thankfully as they run from the vile Hun and a lost tribe, they come across an ally in the form of Greystoke the Lord of the Jungle. Together they must defeat the Hun and save a girl.

This is a very funny pulp satire with Holmes and Watson bouncing barbs off each other with gusto.

Best Lines:
“I could never understand, Watson, why you wasted your time on penny dreadfuls.”
“It’s better than taking cocaine.”

“It seems a shame to leave her here in this squalidness.”
“So she can go to London and perhaps live in squalor there?”

~
Full Dark, No Stars by Stephen King

This was an excellent King book. Granted some of his stuff I don’t like: ‘Cujo’, ‘Dolores Claiborne’, ‘Desperation’, ‘Bag of Bones’, ‘Dreamcatcher’, ‘Duma Key’, ‘Different Seasons’, ‘Four Past Midnight’ and ‘The Bachman Books’ but this book I loved.

This is a collection of bleak stories about people pushed to the limit.

1922
A farmer and his wife fall out over the wife’s plan to sell some land. The farmer decides to get rid of his wife. Then he has to deal with the consequences to himself, his son and the land. This is good.

Big Driver
Tess is advised to take a shortcut; she does and drives straight into a brutal encounter. As she recovers she plans revenge, this is good.

Fair Extension
A sick man is offered a cure; he just has to pick someone to inflict his suffering on. This is mean but very good.

A Good Marriage
Darcy has been married to Bob for 27 years. They have a good marriage. Then she finds what he has been hiding in the garage. What will she do now she knows about her husband’s terrifying secret life? This is excellent.

Under The Weather
A bland updating of ‘A Rose for Emily’.
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Torchwood Radio Plays 2&3 (2011) Reviewed

Torchwood The Lost Files: Submission

This radio play was full of exposition dumping. So the whole 51st century time traveller is out there then? What else could Jack possibly have done that could match up with what he did in ‘Children of Earth’? anyway this is pre-‘Children of Earth’ and sees Jack, Ianto and Gwen pilot a submarine down to a trench to talk to an alien.

Along for the ride is a woman who talks like she’s on ‘Seaquest DSV’ and everyone else recites their lines like they’re doped up. An evil alien lurks. Ianto bores. Jack’s creepy. This wasn’t good at all.

Best Lines:
This isn’t the Red October.”

“You’re not lost, you’re hungry.”

~
Torchwood The Lost Files: House of the Dead

Jack and Ianto run around a house where a mad medium is having a seance. Ianto meets his dad, Lisa is mentioned. Nobody likes Jack. There is bad, bad acting and a twist which is rather good. But seriously the acting is dire. I've seen better acting on 'Hollyoaks'. This was BAD.
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