July 6th, 2011

Scary Books

Nikita Season 1 Ep 14 Review

The Next Seduction

Alex has done something weird to her hair. Ryan Fletcher will not shut up; he’s as annoying as the CIA bimbo on ‘Hawaii Five-0’. Alex’s tiresome neighbour Nathan says Michael: “Sounds like Batman.”

Nikita wears a bad wig and is smug. Nikita targets a guy but he’s not what she thinks. This was boring and Ryan Fletcher is the poor man’s John Barrowman. Why does Nikita trust Ryan Fletcher? Gogol and Roan lurk. Percy gloats. There is unnecessary action. Alex and Nathan make out. Alternately boring and terrible, this is an ep to avoid.
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Trailers and Stuff

‘Veronica Guerin’ Quotes:
What is this sh*te?”
“It’s Ireland’s finest newspaper.”

Hawaii Five-0’ Quotes:
Any respectable chemist can synthesise sarin, the trick is not killing yourself in the process.”

My oh my, aren’t you the opportunistic one.”

“There are plenty of easier ways to kill people.”

‘Law & Order’ Quote:
She was murdered eight years ago in the Bahamas by her trust fund husband during a drug fuelled argument on their yacht.”

The Boogeyman’ (1980) trailer
This looks ridiculous: “He’s going to get you and you and you.”

Death Tunnel’ trailer
This looks good.

Spirit Camp’ trailer
Bad acting but it looks campy.

Best Lines:
Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
“Yeah, we’ll try not to knock up any strippers.”

Falling Skies’ 1x04 + 1x05 promos
Why am I getting ‘Space: Above and Beyond’ flashbacks? TPTB are really trying for the ‘Lost’ vibe aren’t they?
Scary Books

Supernatural Season 6 Ep 4 Review

Weekend at Bobby’s

Crowley (Mark A. Sheppard of ‘Doctor Who’) shows up to growl. Bobby the whiny unwashed cornpone whines. Bobby steals and mutters and whines. Crowley is apparently the King of Hell all of a sudden. Bobby gains and loses a lady friend.

There is a ‘Drag Me To Hell’ mention. Rufus another hunter makes comedic asides. Bobby plans to outfox Crowley. Sam and Dean get to Scotland somehow and for some reason do not salt and burn Crowley’s bones. We all remember how the Ruby situation went. This was okay but how did Bobby get the female Crossroad Demon’s bones? Also why haven’t we seen Crowley with his demon eyes?

Best Lines:
Hate to see what you would call celebrating.”
“Yes you would.”

“You were gone so long I just assumed alcoholic coma.”

“I’m surly and I’ve got a beard.”

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Tape Tale of 1998

Cleared out a tape from 1998. Up first is a season 3 ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’ ep ‘Warrior...Priestes...Tramp’ in which yet another Xena look-alike shows up. She’s Leah and she is a priestess. Gabrielle yells. Leah is an idiot. Meg shows up. Joxer shows up. Hookers sing. This was unfunny and tired.

Best Lines:
“Looks like someone’s caught a speeding chariot straight for Tartarus.”

“What lessons can I learn from these wanton strumpets?”
“You don’t have to be a virgin to be virtuous.”
“Oh yes. You keep telling yourself that dear.”

Then there was a season 1 ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ ep ‘Nightmares’ in which Buffy’s bad daddy shows up. The Master and the Anointed One hang out in their cave being boring. Fears come to life. Willow mentions her parents and one wonders where they vanished to after season 3. Buffy is a vampire, something the show never called back to. This was boring.

Best Line:
“When did they put in a cemetery across the street?”

Then there was a season 1 ‘Earth: Final Conflict’ ep ‘The Secret of Strandhill’ in which a 2000 year old Taleon secret is found in a stone circle in Cork, Ireland. Boone, Lili and Sandoval head over to investigate as seemingly Ireland has no Companion or CVI’s assigned to it.

There are bad Irish accents. Da’an calls Boone and Sandoval: “My implants.” Lt Siobhan Beckett who is security for the UK companion runs around Cork being annoying. Did the Taelon arrival change the entire geography and political landscape of Ireland?

Jonathan Doors lurks in his cellar HQ giving off repressed anger vibes. Sandoval and Beckett flirt which in season 2 lead to the arrival of the dreadful show killing Liam character. This was dire and apparently no-one noticed they built a pub on an alien grave.

Finally there was an ep of ‘The X Files’ entitled ‘Redux part 2’ in which Scully is dying. Captain charisma Mulder acts like a twit. Men in cheap suits mutter at each other. Scully’s brother annoys. A microchip is TPTB’s asspull resolution to the whole Scully is dying plotline. Samantha shows up again, this show had more Very Special Episodes than ‘Blossom’. People get shot. This was underlit crud.
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Rubicon Ep 8 + The Vampire Diaries Season 2 Ep 4 Reviewed

Caught in the Suck

Maggie continues to spy on Will until he finds out. Tanya and Miles have to help an interrogation. People have vague conversations. Kale sneers, Ed cracks and the ongoing puzzle, puzzles some more. Will fires Maggie and visits Atlas McDowell. Katherine receives a photo and Tanya fails a drug test. This was dull.

Ep 4

Memory Lane

Flashbacks to 1864 show Stefan’s bad wig and Katherine’s conniving. Meanwhile in the present Katherine and her corset stalk Stefan. Jenna throws a BBQ for Alaric and Mason and seemingly no-one else.

Stefan and Katherine chat. Caroline lies and is trash and a sell-out. Damon annoys and tries to kill Mason. Katherine and Elena meet in underwhelming fashion. Tyler hides the moonstone and annoys.
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Reviews: Lightborn + Carrie

Lightborn by Alison Sinclair

The sequel to the wonderful ‘Darkborn’. The city of Minhorne is divided by an ancient curse. For the Darkborn, sunlight is anathema while for the Lightborn; it is darkness that is anathema. They live side by side but forever separate. But magic, conspiracy and power plays threaten war between the Darkborn and Lighborn.

Meanwhile the mysterious Shadowborn are on the move. It is clear the two sides must come together to prevent catastrophe but mutual mistrust drives them apart. Can chaos be prevented? This is a good fantasy novel. The characters get caught up in ever more convoluted events. I look forward to seeing how things will resolve themselves in the third book. It is a fascinating world and it will be a shame when this trilogy ends.

Best Line:
I get full reports of your meetings, though frequently I mistake them for reviews of theatrical farces.”

Carrie by Stephen King

This is the classic King story about Carrie White who has been relentless bullied by her vile classmates since they were children. On Prom Night, the chief mean girl Chris and her thug greaser bubblebutt boyfriend Billy, plan the ultimate soul destroying prank on Carrie.

But Carrie has a secret. She has the power of telekinesis and she will unleash that power on all those who’ve mocked and belittled her and stood idly by all her life. This is good, a classic tale of revenge. It’s short, to the point and good. Some of King’s books do not work (like ‘The Dark Half’, ‘Christine’, ‘Firestarter’, ‘Insomnia’ and ‘Rose Madder’) but this does and I’m looking forward to ’11.22.63’.

Best Line:
“They were yelling for them to go out the back fire doors. Some did. Those were the ones who lived.”
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Movie Reviews: Night of the Demons + Death Tunnel + Friday the 13th

Night of the Demons (1988)

This has brilliant animated opening credits accompanied by a nice synth score but it is all downhill from there. It takes ages to get going and most of the characters are jerks and the acting is dreadful.

A group of teenagers decide to have a fancy dress Halloween party in Hull House which is an abandoned funeral parlour in the middle of nowhere. Oh and Hull House was once the site of a grisly massacre. After playing bad punk rock and acting lame they decide to enliven the party by holding a séance. Cue some bad SFX and the demons come out to play.

There is a good scene where the idiots are reflected in various shards of a broken mirror. Then a demon possesses Suzanne who spreads the possession around. If the vile sexist rude crude idiots hadn’t disturbed the demons quietly mouldering in the basement then their lives would not have been imperilled.

Soon only Judy and Roger are left as their fellow partygoers Angela, Suzanne, Stooge, Sal, Jay, Max, Frannie and Helen chase them around and around the place as the demons get used to their new skins. This was lame and has an idiot ending. There is so much padding in this: the entire grumpy old man sideplot, Judy spending ages locked in a bathroom and anytime the vile Stooge is onscreen.

Best Lines:
“Run Judy run, see Judy run!”

“This house is not haunted, it’s possessed!”

“This is a house of the dead!”

Night of the Demons (2009)

Another remake, the original Suzanne makes a cameo wearing the exact same outfit and hairdo she had in the original. Seeing as she looks like she’s 70, it’s unpleasant. A group of slutty chicks spend ages discussing waxing. Angela (Shannon Elizabeth) holds a party in a house in New Orleans. Colin (played by Edward Furlong who looks wasted) crashes the party.

Everyone at the party does drugs and screws. Tiffany Shepis makes a cameo. Angela has no class and is not as creepy as the original Angela. Maddie (Monica Keena) hangs around as do various women with huge implants. They all look to be in their mid 30’s. Cops bust the party. Angela is dumb. A few idiots hang out and find a demon sacrifice in the basement and think it’s cool.

The demons come out to play and it leads to gore, sleaze and a general lack of hygiene. The demons look like they have meth face. Nobody seems to care that their friends are demon possessed. Plus demons fear rust, what do you know.

There is whining, exposition, Furlong looks unwell and unscary possessed hellbeasts chase people. This was beyond awful.

Death Tunnel (2005)

An outbreak of the white plague in 1928 caused a sanatorium to be built. Now various medical school students (who are so generic, you cannot tell them apart) hang out at the sanatorium for an Initiation party.

What are they being initiated to? Why are they in their underwear? We don’t know, the editing is weird and you are not entirely sure what is going on. However this film has an intriguing nightmarish quality to it.

Sure a mean girl takes her top off for no clear reason, sure the characters are all stupid and there are visions and ghosts and hallucinations. Nobody has a personality, they’re just screamers. The music is loud, a pendant plays a plot point and the ending is weird. Still it does grab the interest, it could be worse you could watch ‘The Swarm’ instead.

Friday the 13th (2009)

Another terrible remake, this film is worse than ‘Doom’, ‘Deadly Mansion’ and both versions of ‘Night of the Demons’. I mean ‘Freddy vs Jason’ and ‘Jason X’ were both better than this.

At Camp Crystal Lake Jason’s mommy Pamela (Nana Visitor of ‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’ and ‘Wildfire’) gets rid of some campers. Now a pack of idiot backpackers show up to be annoying. Morality means noting to these idiots as they run round in the dingy darkness being attacked by Jason off screen. Why idiots in these films always go to investigate the strange noise?

A second pack of idiots arrive near Crystal Lake as does the bad hairdo sporting Clay (Jared Padalecki of ‘Supernatural’). He’s looking for his missing sister while the second pack of idiots are vile jerks. Clay is socially unpopular with the vile jerks who are full of distasteful and aggressive bravado and do not seem intelligent enough to stand upright.

The girls are all interchangeable with long hair that layers easily. The guys are sexist morons especially Trent and Nolan (Ryan Hanson of ‘Veronica Mars’). Then Jason shows up and starts hacking away again and nobody cares or notices. This is boring, stupid, soulless remake with bad bad acting. There is one funny moment, just one. For slasher fun watch ‘Cherry Falls’ instead.

Best Line:
Say hi to Mommy! In HELL!”