April 5th, 2011

Scary Books

Movie Review: Easy A (2010)

Olive lies to her BFF Rhiannon (Aly Michalka – the annoying one from ‘Hellcats’) about losing her v-card. Marianne (Amanda Bynes), Olive’s nemesis, spreads the story all over school and Olive is crowned the school slut.

Olive embraces the rumours by dressing like a ‘Maury’ guest and doing favours for put-upon classmates. The fascist Principal Gibbons (Malcolm McDowell) looks ready to blow. Rhiannon turns on Olive. Trouble erupts and a mean guidance counsellor causes even more problems. This was very funny but became a bit preachy toward the end.

Best Lines:
“There’s a higher power that will judge you for your indecency.”
“Tom Cruise?”

“I should know all the students. Especially the ones that dress like prostitutes.”

“We’ve had nine classes together since kindergarten. Ten if you count Religions of other Cultures, which you didn’t. Because you called it science fiction and refused to go.”

“If I can keep the girls off the pole and the boys off the pipe, I get a bonus.”

“You’re going to hell.”
“Just as long as you won’t be there.”
“I can assure you, I won’t.”

“I just hope for your sake, you at least had the good sense to use protection.”
“Why? Your parents didn’t.”

Scary Books

Fringe Season 3 Ep 11 Reviewed

Reciprocity

The weapon is at Massive Dynamic being studied. Why isn’t Walter running Massive Dynamic? Peter gets near the machine and it powers up and he gets a nosebleed of doom. Shapeshifters are being killed and it is all tied together.

Olivia and Peter have moments. Considering their antagonistic first meeting back in the ‘Pilot’, look how far they’ve come. Anyway Peter has been driven to drastic measures by the actions of his fathers. They couldn’t have driven him to this more if they had been chasing him with sticks. Walter gets worried when he learns what Peter is up too. This was very good.

Why is Peter living with his kidnapper? Walter snorts DNA? Walter says Peter is his son and no-one corrects him. What became of Agent Jessup? How do Nina and co know about The First People? Was there anything William Bell didn’t do?
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Scary Books

The Green Hornet (1966 – 1967) Eps 5&6 Reviewed

The Frog is a Deadly Weapon
A woman struts around looking like a call girl; she’s part of a group of nefarious types hanging out at a marina. Then frogmen climb out of the water and kill a PI. Britt is told about this as he’s vice-commodore of the yacht club. How he finds time to hang out at the yacht club, date some idiot Diana Doors type named Elaine and be The Green Hornet isn’t explained.

Britt has a radio transmitter built into his pocket watch and the receiver is in Scanlon’s glasses. Who built that? Scanlon shows up at Reid’s swinging bachelor pad, doesn’t acknowledge Kato and does an exposition dump.

Britt wants to find a man believed dead, a man who was one of those who framed his father. It’s a never explained throwaway line which hints at why Britt became The Green Hornet. Anyway this man is probably one of the nefarious types the PI was watching.

So cue an adventure involving microfilm, Casey and her wedding cake hairdo being held hostage and The Green Hornet just strolling into villain’s lairs without getting shot. The villain just spills his guts to the Hornet, Kato is barely in this ep and the Hornet changes clothes in the back of his thugmobile hood car without anyone noticing. Reid kicks more ass in this ep than Kato. This was okay.

Best Line:
If I were a man, I’d devote myself to catching that dreadful Green Hornet.”

Eat, Drink, and be Dead
Britt owns a TV station and appears on the news to rant against: “a vicious bootlegging racket.” Bootleggers? Is this the 1920’s or something? The bootleggers want Reid dead which is understandable as Reid isn’t that likeable.

Next time The Green Hornet says “Let’s roll Kato”, I’d like to see Kato turn around and one inch punch him right in his unemoting face. People are intimidated by Kato. The Green Hornet never says that his sidekick will beat them up, it’s just implied.

Axford’s been taken hostage, again. The Green Hornet somehow gets in a 6th floor window to chat to the bootleggers. Why does no-one ever just shoot him? Britt punches out Axford. The bootleggers chase Black Beauty from a helicopter and drop bombs on them. How they fit so many bombs into a tiny helicopter isn’t explained. Kato kicks a bad guy and obviously misses by several inches. This was a mediocre ep.

Best Line:
No wonder he can afford to give so much to charities!”
Scary Books

Trailer Fun Time

Captain America: The First Avenger’ trailer
Bad CGI on the skinny loser. But this looks good. Tony Stark’s daddy! Tommy Lee Jones!

~
Fringe’ 3x19 promo
Are they ripping off ‘Inception’?

~
Your Highness’ trailer
This looks good but rather rude.

Best Lines:
“This quest sucks.”

“With our huge muscles, we shall protect you.”

“Suck your venom.”


~
Falling Skies’ trailer
This looks good and the alien invaders are called skitters? Ew.

Best Line:
You call yourselves a resistance right? So resist!”

~
Tomorrow When the War Began’ trailer
An Australian ‘Red Dawn’! Looks okay.

~
The Event’ 1x16 promo
Looks good.

~
V’ 2x03 promo
Nice.

~
Doctor Who’ 2011 trailer
This looks good.

Best Lines:
Fear me; I’ve killed hundreds of Time Lords.”
“Fear me; I’ve killed all of them.”


~
The Three Musketeers’ trailer
Steampunk musketeers with Orlando Bloom as the baddie and all in 3D. Ooohhh yes.
Scary Books

Survivors (1975 – 1977) Review, Part 7

Series 3

A Little Learning
I miss ‘The Good Life’ with guns motif of series 2 because series 3 is so bad. Jenny is still looking for Greg. Meanwhile Greg is riding around with Agnes (who is played by a new actress). They meet and mock an old woman. They meet some wideboys, a snotty kid and a bevy of horrible child actors.

Greg and his candyfloss hair decides to stick his nose in and gets beat up by stage school brats. Everyone is an idiot and the acting is horrendous. Greg is then chased by roaring kids who have been making themselves sick with contaminated rye.

Jenny just strolls into the old woman’s house and makes herself at home. It is hard to care about the horrible snotty kids, Greg or Jenny. The ending is ridiculous and what was with the elephant? This was horrendous.

Best Lines:
“If you kill him, you stay. If he escapes, you’re out.”

“I began to look on Glasgow as the good old days.”

“Nobody smokes anything – leaves, plants, them funny mushrooms.”

~
Law of the Jungle
Jenny is chased by a dog pack. Charles and Hubert show up and find her. Then they run into Agnes. They decide to go to a farm they know of but it’s abandoned and over-run by two rats. Charles orders Hubert to light a fire.

Jenny is rude and aggressive and then the foursome runs into Blod’s gang. Blod drove the family off their farm and forcibly recruited them into his gang of marauders. Blod (Brian Blessed) walks around showing off his biceps and shouting all his dialogue. He lives by hunting, looting and poaching. Charles is enraged that Blod rejects his self-sufficiency ethos.

Charles is not so enraged that Blod likes to terrorise and sexually exploit his female camp followers. Blod and the men hunt, the women clean and cook. Charles unwisely picks a fight with Blod so Blod tosses Charles and co to the dogs to teach them a lesson.

Blod shouts down anyone who disagrees with him and then arranges for more unpleasant things to happen to Charles. Brod is dealt with by the most unlikely person. Jenny is as ever, thankless. This was mediocre.

Best Lines:
How long would a farm last these days against the dogs? It’s gone mad out there.”

“No-one's ever going to read again, are they?”

“Darling little lambs a-frisking in the fields.”

“There are millions more rats then people now. Even the dogs outnumber us.”

“Scared I’ll come after you with a big stick?”

~
Mad Dog
A dog pack attacks Charles. Considering that in the previous ep he had a foot caught in a trap and in series 2 he was mauled by rats, it is amazing he isn’t dead. Charles meets Richard Fenton who warns him there is rabies in the area. Then more dogs attack and Fenton succumbs to rabies.

Fenton foams at the mouth in delirium. Charles goes for help and Fenton chases them until he is shot. However the men Charles asked for help suspect he is a carrier and decide to shoot him. So Charles runs away too easily and they chase him.

He’s shot, poked with a stick by an imbecile, chased some more by men with meanness in their eyes while dogs run around aimlessly. The best protection from rabies apparently besides a gun is a brimming bucket. Charles’ life is saved in ridiculous fashion and he looks battered to hell. How do we know he isn’t a rabies carrier? This was okay.

Best Lines:
“We’re medieval now.”

“We live in the ruins of our created world and I’m a nihilist?”
“Well if it’s all so hopeless, why don’t you just kill yourself?”
“Because I want to see what happens.”

“I have the last Times ever printed.”

~
Bridgehead
The idiot woman and her two gormless feckless sons who escaped Blod in ‘Law of the Jungle’ are back at their farm. Agnes, Jenny, Hubert and the rest of Blod’s lot are shacking up with her. Agnes somehow knows how to use a spinning wheel and Jenny is as ever whining about Greg.

Some people have got a steam train going. There are no weeds in the tracks and getting coal is not a problem for them. Hubert cares for sick cows and is never thanked. Charles stumbles in and announces that Greg is wandering the land as an industrial evangelist.

Charles doesn’t seem too concerned about Pet. Jenny doesn’t care about her son. There is no mention of Ruth, Alan, Sally, Melanie, Mina or anyone else. The fate of Whitecross isn’t mentioned. Jenny fishes and hauls out a rat. Agnes is berated for not hooking up with one of the gormless feckless sons. Charles eats off the same knife he used to dig shotgun pellets out of himself back in ‘Mad Dog’, ew.

Charles and Jenny get into a boat (where did they get it?) and meet up with Bill Sheridan who knows homeopathic medicine. Everyone is stunned when a car drives by. Charles and Bill arrange for a market day. Charles still holds on to his dream of federating the settlements. This was boring.

~
Reunion
Charles, Jenny and Hubert are still riding around looking for Greg. A man named Walter is hurt and they find a vet who can care for him. Jenny finally mentions her son Paul but shows no real emotion. Then she learns that the vet Janet Millon is John’s mother. Remember John? The irritating brat child.

Jenny decides to reunite John and Janet. Abby hasn’t been mentioned in series 3 and we’ll never know if she ever found her son Peter. Jenny finally halts her search for Greg and heads home to her son alongside Janet and co.

Paul is now a toddler and John still can’t act. He has a stilted reunion with his mother. Jack’s recovered from his dog mauling in ‘Manhunt’ rather well. Charles decides to move Jack, Pet, Jenny, Paul, Hubert and himself to Janet’s place to form a new settlement.

John demands his pony. This was dull. Charles (Dennis Lill) is likeable despite all his berating of Jenny for being upset about Greg abandoning her and obviously preferring Agnes.
To Light The Way To Bed

The Event Ep 14+V Season 2 Ep 2+Hawaii Five-0 Ep 10+The X Files Season 1 Ep 8 Reviewed

Ep 14

A Message Back


Is this cancelled yet? Dr Dempsey aka annoying old fart plans to steal another hybrid child. Sean strolls into Vicky’s house and makes threats, some security she has. President Martinez has manned up. Is Martinez Cuban? If so how is he President?

Jarvis the VP shows up at work to annoy. Sophia whines about Thomas discrediting her, she did that all by herself. Thomas calls a meeting. Sean is an irritating pustule. Simon is nowhere to be seen. Leila bores, what is wrong with her face? Why doesn’t it move?!?

Martinez and Blake learn Michael is “one of them”. Which begs the question; why did Thomas leave Michael in the desert with the passengers after the plane incident? When he was in captivity how did the medical staff not notice that Michael wasn’t human?

This was mediocre, but had some hints that there could be intriguing plots to come. But mostly we get Vicky wearing a hideous blonde wig that looks like it came off the stripper rack. Thomas reveals what the message from their home world was, why anyone believes a word he says isn’t explained. Leila just abandons her sister after the endless search for her.

~
Ep 2

Serpent’s Tooth


Anna’s kept her mommy Diana locked up for 15 years. Why then is Diana still in a human skinsuit? Anna slaps mommy around due to her obsession with souls and emotions. Their chat/exposition dump reveals that the atom bomb tests attracted the V’s attention and that the V’s existence depends on Earth as a breeding planet.

Val is buried, her parents berate Ryan. Peace Centres are bombed. Marcus lurks. Ryan’s baby gets a skinsuit. Anna eats a rat in some truly awful CGI. Jack breaks the seal of the confessional. Ryan broods. Chad is a target. Erica’s v scar comes into play.

Joshua stares blankly. Erica and Malik have a confrontation. Dr Miller has a one scene cameo. This is a mediocre ep that has nothing in it to match the brilliance of the previous ep’s line: “First they want to invade us, then they want to shag us.”

~
Ep 10

Heihei


An armoured truck is stolen and the only cops in Hawaii get the case. Steve shows off his massive tattoos and he and Kono apparently just carry scuba gear around with them in their cars. Danno annoys.

The foursome figure out the truck heist was just a dry run for a bigger crime to come and vow to stop it. They’re up against ruthless criminals but our heroes can save the day, with a little help from Danno’s nightmare ex-wife. This was good with lots and lots of diamonds and Steve kicking ass.

Best Lines:
These people use bystanders for target practice.”

“I just had a thought.”
“Don’t hurt yourself.”


~
Ep 8

Ice


Something’s gone awry an Artic ice core project. So Mulder and Scully fly up there with a belligerent pilot (Jeff Kober), some other guy, a snotty scientist (Xander Berkleley) and his bland wife (Felicity Huffman of ‘Desperate Housewives’ and as of 2019 future felon).

It’s low budget and there’s a lot of plaid. But it soon becomes clear the previous people up there found a life-form in the ice. A life-form that can get into dogs and humans and make them aggressive.

With these six idiots, what could go wrong? Bear is belligerent. Mulder is a buzz kill. They’re trapped with a CGI worm and fake snow. Mulder thinks the worm is an alien lifeform form. Scully is shrill. Every line of dialogue sounds the same, something between a demand and a whine.

Mulder goes wandering around in the dark which leads to accusation and large ham yelling. Scully’s a moron. This wasn’t tense, just annoying. The bland one (Huffman) has a bad hairdo and yells a lot. I haven’t seen such aggressive stupidity since season 3 of ‘Chuck’. This was mediocre.

Best Lines:
Nothing can survive in sub zero temperatures for a quarter of a million years.”

“It’s still there Scully. 200,000 years down, in the ice.”
“Leave it there.”
Scary Books

Book Review:Kato Origins+Angel of the Opera+Tomorrow When The War Began+Memory Prime

Kato Origins Volume One: Way of the Ninja written by Jai Nitz
This is a spin off from ‘The Green Hornet: Year One’. It is 1942 and Kato is posing as Korean to avoid internment as he is Japanese. A policeman knocks on Britt Reid’s door as he wants to talk to Reid’s manservant. A Korean man has been killed and they would like Kato to help.

Kato falls for the dead man’s daughter Jung Noh. He learns the murder is part of a web of intrigue which he solves at some cost. This is very good and sad.

Best Lines:
The rich like to play dress-up don’t they?”

“I drove the Black Beauty through her hydrangeas the next night.”

“I forge your signature quite well you know.”


~
The Angel of the Opera by Sam Siciliano
Sherlock Holmes visits the Paris opera house and duels wits with Le Fantome de l’opera. Can he save the dim Christine Daae and the obnoxious Raoul from their own rank stupidity?

This is a fairly enjoyable melding of le Fantome and Holmes. It goes into great detail about the opera house layout and the world of 1890. However it has one glaring flaw. The author loathes Watson and so he’s absent from this tome. Instead the book is narrated by the author’s Mary-Sue creation Holmes’ cousin and BFF Henry.

Siciliano cannot let a chapter go by without having Holmes and Henry the Mary-Sue berate Watson for being stupid, a bad writer, an incompetent doctor and how he isn’t Holmes’ friend at all. Holmes’ character is changed to fit the plot to boot.

If one can overlook that irritation, then this is okay. It is certainly better than Richard L. Boyer’s Holmes novel ‘The Giant Rat of Sumatra’ which was an incompetent mess that featured neither a giant rat nor Sumatra.

Best Lines:
“My enemies could tell you – if any were still alive – that it is unwise to annoy me.”

“Now, Christine, you must let go of my leg. This theatrical display is trite and annoys me.”


~
Tomorrow, When The War Began by John Marsden
The first in a saga. In a remote Australian farm town of Wirrawee, seven friends plan an adventure. They will camp in a remote valley and have fun. Their camping trip is a great success but then it is time to return home. But when they get back they find their homes deserted, their animals dead or dying and the telephones not working.

The horrific truth dawns, Wirrawee is the beachhead for an invasion and colonization. The friends decide to fight back and begin a guerrilla campaign. This is a good adventure tale and I want to read the rest of the saga. There are quibbles though: why are no countries coming to Australia’s aid? And who are the invading nation?

Best Line:
“Either I’ve been using some very strange and heavy stuff or else this is not a typical day in the life of Wirrawee."

~
Star Trek #16: Memory Prime by Gar and Judith Reeves-Stevens
From the authors of ‘Prime Directive’ and ‘Federation’ comes this tale of AI’s, murder and a really annoying commodore. This book’s take on AI’s and their place in the Federation is now way out of date, but this is still a good intriguing read.

Kirk is taking scientists to Memory Prime for a science conference but things are going wrong and Spock is being accused. They have to save the day under difficult circumstances. This is far superior to other old Trek novels like ‘Home is the Hunter’ and ‘The Captain’s Daughter’.