Friday The 13th: The Series (1987 – 1990)
The Quilt of Hathor
This has nice opening credits. The Curious Goods store is visited by a religious sect woman named Sarah Good who speaks in Ye Olde Butcherede English. She wants our heroine Micki (who has huge hair) and our hero Ryan (who has a huge walkman) to visit her sect the Pennitites to recover a cursed quilt.
So Sarah goes home accompanied by Micki and Ryan. Micki has lovely red hair. The Pennitites are like the Amish or The Kindred on that season 1 ‘X Files’
ep. They are lead by Reverend Josiah (Scott Paulin of ‘Profit’
The Pennitites have arranged marriages, glued on beards and they’re all a bit mad. But the maddest of all is Effie who dreams people to death thanks to her quilt. The quilt was made by satan worshiping Salem women. Effie is killing Josiah’s brides-to-be.
Ryan falls in love with Josiah’s daughter and decides to stay in the Pennitites, Effie kills Sarah Good, Micki steals the quilt or so she thinks and there is some bad, bad acting. Still it was okay.
Best Lines:“Do not bring thy mirrors, there are punishments.”
“I think thou are evil!”
The Quilt of Hathor: The Awakening
Josiah is being urged to get married and sort out the sect’s finances. Effie wants to marry him because the Reverend’s wife is the most important woman in the sect. No one thinks to wonder about Josiah’s many dead brides-to-be.
Ryan wears Pennitite gear, there is more bad acting and people act like idiots. However the plot takes an unexpected twist. Jack and Micki take their sweet time showing up to save the day after they learn the quilt Micki stole was a copy.
Scott Paulin chews the scenery, Ryan is nearly burnt at the stake and the villain falls out a window a bit too easily. This was better than ep 19. The scenes in the show covered Pennitite community looked good but they just had a stake for burning sinners lying around? Josiah’s daughter tried to put out the fire by throwing snow on it?
“Take the outsiders away.”
“Ryan, I love thee!”
“You see what the power of the devil can do in the wrong hands.”
Profit (1996) Ep 2
It only lasted eight episodes, but this was a fantastic show. In the ‘Pilot’
Jim Profit (Adrian Pasdar) acquired two nemeses in the form of Security Chief Joanna Meltzer (Lisa Zane) and President of Acquisitions Jack Walters (Scott Paulin). Profit wants them out of his way as he wants Jack’s job.
Joanne and Jack don’t seem to do any work lately at Gracen & Gracen; all they do is obsess over Profit. They delve into his past and learn about his horrible abusive upbringing from a Sheriff (Don S. Davis of ‘Stargate SG1
Jim Profit stares at clunky computer graphics while tapping at his clunky keyboard, Jack and Joanne have huge mobile phones and the office phones are huge. Yes this is the 1990’s, the opening credits rule though. Jack’s wife Elizabeth (Jennifer Hetrick) has their dining table just two meters from their front door. Also the Gracen & Gracen offices are very, very brown.
Joanne and Jack assume Profit killed Wayne, the man whose job he now has. Profit didn’t but he makes them think he did as part of an elaborate cunning plan. Profit charms Elizabeth so he can plant a very large vial of deadly poison in Jack’s house. The same poison he added to Wayne’s tissue samples after Jack arranged for Wayne’s body to be exhumed.
Joanne follows Profit around with her huge digital camera. She’s so obsessed with Profit; she only sees what she wants to see. Jack rants at and about Profit and then gives him a black eye. This all plays into Jim’s cunning plan.
Jack is in debt due to fears of being labelled a gold-digger for marrying the very rich Elizabeth. Jack learns Profit lived in a Gracen & Gracen box as a child and calls him out on it. Profit looks a wee bit shaken. Jack thinks he’s won but no. Jack’s corner office with great view is soon to be up for grabs as seconds after calling Profit out Jack is arrested for Wayne’s ‘murder’.
All the evidence Jack and Joanne have gathered? It all points to Jack. So Jack is cuffed and does the perp walk in front of the entire G&G staff. Jack’s in jail, the frame up is good so Joanne tells him to plea bargain so one day they can get a new trial. I don’t think it works that way.
Jack plea bargains and gets thirty years, where was his lawyer? In the ‘Pilot’
Jack was set up as a recurring nemesis but was swiftly dispatched in this ep and was never seen again on the show. Elizabeth pulls a gun on Jim but he talks her out of it. Then he goes to sleep in his box plotting the ruin of Joanne: “One down, one to go.”
This was excellent. Profit the sandpaper voiced shark was a great anti-hero. Joanne and Jack weren’t easy to sympathise with. Jack was a platitude spouting wife ignoring adulterous (with Joanne) smug git. Joanne had no remorse for her affair with Jack, patronised Elizabeth and was given to making threats she couldn’t back up.
Best Lines:“Marriage has its high points, low points and sometimes its breaking points.”
“So you’re telling me your new junior VP is a psychopath?”
“I will prove it to you! I will prove it to you!”
“But how do you catch a murder without a victim? You create one.”
“Jack, go make us some money.”
“Did you hear what Uncle John did at Suzy’s wedding? Passed out right in the wedding cake.”
“Had to Heimlich the frosting out of him.”
“He met with some guy on the street, maybe he’s lonely.”
“You’re not an alcoholic! You’d have to be human!”
“Profit was actually raised in a G&G box.”
“I don’t know whether to arrest him or commit him.”
“Your taste in men stinks, get some therapy.”
“Yes it’s true. It’s also true that you’re impotent but we try not to mention it in public.”