March 15th, 2011

Scary Books

Book Review: The King's Bastard

The King’s Bastard: Book One of the Chronicles of King Rolen’s Kin by Rowena Cory Daniels

A disappointing, exposition dump filled tale populated by morons. In the snow bound kingdom of Rolencia, Byren is the younger twin brother of Lence the heir to the throne.

Lence resents Byren for being more popular than him, the King is in thrall to a bastard relative, the Queen is a favourite playing fool and the superfluous royal children are selfish stupid spoilt brats.

Byren tells a ridiculous lie to try and save his best friend Orrade. It’s an idiot move because Orrade got himself into trouble by being a fool. It’s a lie that has endless repercussions for Byren.

Nobody ever just says what’s going on; they’re either constrained by secrets and lies or a useless trouble stirring twit like Orrade’s sister. Most of the characters are morons who deserve every bad thing that happens to them.

This is deeply disappointing, however books two and three of the saga are a vast improvement. Probably because most of the more irritating characters in this book have been killed off due to their own idiocy.
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Outcasts Ep 8 Review

Cass still has a job despite the events of ep 7. Stella does everything in Forthaven, apparently not one other scientist exists there, Tipper the druggie loser gets sick but sadly does not die and Fleur is snotty.

However Fleur soon gets the snot knocked out of her when Julius reveals the Omega Project. Fleur is an AC, possibly made from Tate. Eeeeeewwwwww. Fleur has to flee into exile and hook up with the AC’s.

Jack is made interim president. Bizarrely he decides to side with the patronising fascists Tate and Stella. Julius reveals the transport ship is about to land and that oh yes, there will be blood.

Tate makes a boring speech, people have boring chats, there is junk science and Lily annoys. Julius draws up an Elimination List; at this point everyone on Forthaven is probably on it. Cass reveals he was a gangster as a tween, no-one cares. Tate and Julius continue their ridiculous feud.

The host force blathers, the virus cures itself and then the transport ship comes in to land. Roll credits, no series 2. What a waste, there were glimmers of good ideas but they were undermined by the sheer incompetence of the actors and writers.

Best Lines:
“It’s all been for this?”

“You are a contaminant.”

“You’re like one of them Queens on the run from the angry mob.”

“You know nothing of my morality you insect.”

“When the history of Carpthia is written, this won’t be its longest chapter.”

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Quotes of the Day

Beyond Armageddon’ Quote
He picked his way carefully through the rubble, determined to get back to the shelter before dark, before the rats came out.”

Fallen’ Quote
“A few years ago, some callisthenic-crazed shrink showed up ranting about overmedicated teens ruining society.”
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Tape Tales

Cleared out three tapes from 2003, 2000 and 2005 respectively. Let’s start with the 2003 tape. It contained the ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ season 7 ep ‘Dirty Girls’ which featured Caleb (Nathan Fillion) the unnecessary and annoying baddie. Faith returns to Sunnydale. Dawn, Spike, Andrew and Buffy annoy. Nathan Fillion really can’t act. Buffy is stupid and walks into a trap causing bad things to happen to Xander. This bored.

Then came an ‘X Files’ ep ‘Hollywood AD’ in which Mulder and Scully consult on a movie about them. It sure looked better than the two rubbish films that did spawn from this show. Bones dance. Uh.

Up next is a ‘Charmed’ ep ‘House Call’ where Kylie sings on the soundtrack, a Witch Doctor is called in to cleanse the house and waves a shrunken skill and Leo annoys. The sisters act OOC yet again. Uh.

Best Lines:
“You are not bringing that filthy fowl in the house.”

“Piper you can’t just vanquish an entire house. Especially not our house. People are going to notice
.”

Then finally there was ‘Smallville’ ep called ‘Rosetta’ where Christopher Reeve guest starred. Clark hangs out in the stupid caves, lies to Lex and meets Dr Swan (Reeve) who knows stuff. The words “Kal-El” and “Krypton” are used for the first time. Also the ‘Superman’ music blares. Clark the badly dressed ‘superhero’ annoys.

Best Line:
If you walk out that door it’ll never be open to you again.”

~
Onto the 2000 tape, there were two season 1 ‘Angel’ eps on it. First up was ‘Sense and Sensitivity’ in which Kate takes centre stage and Doyle hangs around. Yawn. Then came ‘The Bachelor Party’ in which Doyle’s ex-wife showed up bore.

Then came a ‘Nash Bridges’ ep called ‘Split Decision’ in which an ex-con fakes DID. Nash is a troll. Evan circles the drain via pills and booze and no-one cares. This was boring and to my knowledge the show never explained how Deadhead Harvey became a cop.

~
Onto the 2005 tape which had three ‘Dead Like Me’ eps on it. The first of which was ‘The Shallow End’ in which George’s horrible mother is horrible. George has flashbacks to her horrible youth in which mean girls were mean to her. This was dull, except for the scene in which it is suggested George was destined to become a grim reaper all along.

Then came ‘Hurry’ in which Mason, Daisy and George do boring stuff. Then came ‘In Escrow’ in which George and Reggie whine, Mason annoys and I remember that sitcom ‘Nikki’ with fondness.

Finally there was a season 2 ‘Popular’ ep called ‘Fire in the Hole’. Miss Glass puts on a musical about STD’s. This is one long public service announcement. Sam can’t sing and Mary Cherry once again steals the show. Uh.
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Reaper and other stuff

I read an interview with the creator of ‘Reaper’ which explained how it would have all ended and I say, no. The Sam’s Dad re-reveal makes no sense. Plus the season 3 (ha!) plotline sounds a bit interesting, which makes one wonder why season 2 was full of junk like: Andie’s tantrums, Sock and his stepsister, Ben & Nina and Morgan. The interview didn’t explain the non-involvement of Kevin Smith and where Sam’s brother Kyle vanished to. Sorry ‘Reaper’, season 2 killed my enjoyment of the show.

Clotted cream shortbread is nice.

Books I wish to read: Angel of the Opera, The Giant Rat of Sumatra, Shalador's Lady, The Poison Master, Uncertain Allies, Hex Hall 2, Blood of the Rose, The Tomorrow Code and The Soul Mirror.
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Trailer Fun

Breaking In’ promo
Christian Slater, Bret Harrison and Michael Rosenbaum in the same show? Yes! Shame it looks stupid.

‘The Stand’ trailer
This 1994 miniseries was okay, a bit cheap looking and dull though. The guy who played Flagg was badly miscast.

‘The Resident’ trailer
Jeffrey Dean Morgan looks creepy. This film looks dire.

‘Limitless’ trailer
Not appealing.

‘The Club’ trailer
This 1994 horror was okay, it has bad CGI and a cast of idiots.

‘Fringe’ 3x17 promo
Mmmmm.

‘The Mephisto Waltz’ trailer
This 1971 horror has Alan Alda and satan. It’s an awful trailer but a good movie.

Source Code’ trailer
This looks like a big budget version of that 90’s show ‘Seven Days’.
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The Event Ep 11 Review

And Then there Were More

It returns and I’ve forgotten most of the character’s names. Thomas’ message is translated as: “Preparations are being made for your arrival.” Sophia’s a useless leader. Thomas’ lackey is building a huge portal in Tibet.

The boring Leila is half-alien, yawn. Simon breaks Michael out of jail. Simon is an interesting character so naturally the show ignores him in favour of Sophia and Thomas’ terrible acting. Does no-one notice that Simon is never at work?

Katherine (Virginia Madsen of ‘Candyman’) is a new Senator who has found out about Inostranka and she tells bad lies that people fall for. Samantha is finally rescued, no-one cares. Thomas stages a prison break at Inostranka. Sean the charisma void needs to be killed off. Blake chats to Maya, who seems to be played by a different actress. This was all so boring.
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Friday The 13th: The Series Season 1 Eps 19&20 +Profit Ep 2 Reviewed

Friday The 13th: The Series (1987 – 1990)

Ep 19

The Quilt of Hathor

This has nice opening credits. The Curious Goods store is visited by a religious sect woman named Sarah Good who speaks in Ye Olde Butcherede English. She wants our heroine Micki (who has huge hair) and our hero Ryan (who has a huge walkman) to visit her sect the Pennitites to recover a cursed quilt.

So Sarah goes home accompanied by Micki and Ryan. Micki has lovely red hair. The Pennitites are like the Amish or The Kindred on that season 1 ‘X Files’ ep. They are lead by Reverend Josiah (Scott Paulin of ‘Profit’).

The Pennitites have arranged marriages, glued on beards and they’re all a bit mad. But the maddest of all is Effie who dreams people to death thanks to her quilt. The quilt was made by satan worshiping Salem women. Effie is killing Josiah’s brides-to-be.

Ryan falls in love with Josiah’s daughter and decides to stay in the Pennitites, Effie kills Sarah Good, Micki steals the quilt or so she thinks and there is some bad, bad acting. Still it was okay.

Best Lines:
“Do not bring thy mirrors, there are punishments.”

“I think thou are evil!”


~
Ep 20

The Quilt of Hathor: The Awakening

Josiah is being urged to get married and sort out the sect’s finances. Effie wants to marry him because the Reverend’s wife is the most important woman in the sect. No one thinks to wonder about Josiah’s many dead brides-to-be.

Ryan wears Pennitite gear, there is more bad acting and people act like idiots. However the plot takes an unexpected twist. Jack and Micki take their sweet time showing up to save the day after they learn the quilt Micki stole was a copy.

Scott Paulin chews the scenery, Ryan is nearly burnt at the stake and the villain falls out a window a bit too easily. This was better than ep 19. The scenes in the show covered Pennitite community looked good but they just had a stake for burning sinners lying around? Josiah’s daughter tried to put out the fire by throwing snow on it?

Best Lines:
Take the outsiders away.”

“Ryan, I love thee!”

“You see what the power of the devil can do in the wrong hands.”


~
Profit (1996) Ep 2

Hero

It only lasted eight episodes, but this was a fantastic show. In the ‘Pilot’ Jim Profit (Adrian Pasdar) acquired two nemeses in the form of Security Chief Joanna Meltzer (Lisa Zane) and President of Acquisitions Jack Walters (Scott Paulin). Profit wants them out of his way as he wants Jack’s job.

Joanne and Jack don’t seem to do any work lately at Gracen & Gracen; all they do is obsess over Profit. They delve into his past and learn about his horrible abusive upbringing from a Sheriff (Don S. Davis of ‘Stargate SG1’).

Jim Profit stares at clunky computer graphics while tapping at his clunky keyboard, Jack and Joanne have huge mobile phones and the office phones are huge. Yes this is the 1990’s, the opening credits rule though. Jack’s wife Elizabeth (Jennifer Hetrick) has their dining table just two meters from their front door. Also the Gracen & Gracen offices are very, very brown.

Joanne and Jack assume Profit killed Wayne, the man whose job he now has. Profit didn’t but he makes them think he did as part of an elaborate cunning plan. Profit charms Elizabeth so he can plant a very large vial of deadly poison in Jack’s house. The same poison he added to Wayne’s tissue samples after Jack arranged for Wayne’s body to be exhumed.

Joanne follows Profit around with her huge digital camera. She’s so obsessed with Profit; she only sees what she wants to see. Jack rants at and about Profit and then gives him a black eye. This all plays into Jim’s cunning plan.

Jack is in debt due to fears of being labelled a gold-digger for marrying the very rich Elizabeth. Jack learns Profit lived in a Gracen & Gracen box as a child and calls him out on it. Profit looks a wee bit shaken. Jack thinks he’s won but no. Jack’s corner office with great view is soon to be up for grabs as seconds after calling Profit out Jack is arrested for Wayne’s ‘murder’.

All the evidence Jack and Joanne have gathered? It all points to Jack. So Jack is cuffed and does the perp walk in front of the entire G&G staff. Jack’s in jail, the frame up is good so Joanne tells him to plea bargain so one day they can get a new trial. I don’t think it works that way.

Jack plea bargains and gets thirty years, where was his lawyer? In the ‘Pilot’ Jack was set up as a recurring nemesis but was swiftly dispatched in this ep and was never seen again on the show. Elizabeth pulls a gun on Jim but he talks her out of it. Then he goes to sleep in his box plotting the ruin of Joanne: “One down, one to go.”

This was excellent. Profit the sandpaper voiced shark was a great anti-hero. Joanne and Jack weren’t easy to sympathise with. Jack was a platitude spouting wife ignoring adulterous (with Joanne) smug git. Joanne had no remorse for her affair with Jack, patronised Elizabeth and was given to making threats she couldn’t back up.

Best Lines:
“Marriage has its high points, low points and sometimes its breaking points.”

“So you’re telling me your new junior VP is a psychopath?”
“Yes.”

“I will prove it to you! I will prove it to you!”

“But how do you catch a murder without a victim? You create one.”

“Jack, go make us some money.”

“Did you hear what Uncle John did at Suzy’s wedding? Passed out right in the wedding cake.”
“Shocker.”
“Had to Heimlich the frosting out of him.”

“He met with some guy on the street, maybe he’s lonely.”

“You’re not an alcoholic! You’d have to be human!”

“Profit was actually raised in a G&G box.”

“I don’t know whether to arrest him or commit him.”

“Your taste in men stinks, get some therapy.”

“Yes it’s true. It’s also true that you’re impotent but we try not to mention it in public.”