December 28th, 2010

Scary Books

The Vampire Diaries Season 1 Eps 21&22 Reviewed


Isobel the selfish evil skank shows up to be boring. John annoys. There is a dumb revelation about John and Emily. Bonnie whines, Jeremy’s abducted and sulks, Isobel whines in monotones, Katherine’s plot is revealed and everyone lies. This was dull.

Best Lines:
“You’ve successfully cured him of anything that was interesting about his personality.”

“I can smell the judgment coming off of you.”

Founder’s Day

Anna whines, Elena and Caroline are selfish, Tyler’s dumb and the tomb vampires plot. Bonnie lies and rants, Damon’s a jerk, Jenna’s negligent, Jeremy the drama queen whines, John attacks and various dreadful people do stuff.

This was not interesting despite various people dying. What’s up with Tyler and his dad? Why does Stefan save Damon? Why did Damon not notice and who cares about Caroline?

To Light The Way To Bed

Doctor Who: A Christmas Carol (2010) Review

Amy and Rory are somehow trapped on a crashing spaceship. To save them the Doctor has to make man old Mr Sardick become a better person. To do this he travels to Christmas past and change the fate of young Kazran Sardick. Naturally, things do not go to plan.

A woman in ice (Katherine Jenkins) sings, Amy annoys and the Innsmouth escapee Doctor’s antics are overly drawn out. This was contrived moralising but it was okay.

Best Lines:
“Big flashy lighty thing.”

“Face spider.”

“The fog’s thick tonight and there’s a fish warning.”

Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Mamma Mia! + Carrie

Mamma Mia! (2008)

This wasn’t as horrible as ‘Prince Caspian’ but it was close. Sophie invites three men to her wedding to find out which one is her dad. It seems her mother, Donna, was a big ho back in the day - shades of ‘Lace’ and ‘Lace II’, anyone.

Meanwhile Donna’s two embarrassing old cougar friends visit and all three act like embarrassing cougars. There’s bad green screen, lots of bad singing, a literal Greek chorus and Donna being self righteous. This was dragged out mediocrity; still the flashback to the three men as they looked 20 years ago was funny.

Best Lines:
“I used to have fun.”
“Oh, we know.”

Carrie (1976)

Based on the Stephen King novel. The browbeaten Carrie is bullied by her classmates and mother. Carrie gets her first period in the school shower and is taunted and has sanitary products hurled at her as her classmates chant: “Plug it up.”

Even the teachers and principle have no sympathy for Carrie as they either ignore her, mock her or get her name wrong. Sue for some reason despite being part of the hurling/chanting mob suddenly feels bad about what she did and decides to atone.

But school bully Chris, her loutish boyfriend Billy and her toady BFF Norma plot an even worse humiliation for Carrie.

Poor Carrie is an eternal social outsider lurching from disaster to disaster. A source of endless hate for the toxic Chris and her cronies. But Carrie has powers and death awaits all her tormentors.

After the school prom turns into another cruel joke for Carrie, she cracks. No more passivity, prom turns into a hell for stupid teachers and bullying teenagers.

This was good despite an overlong ending and the final jump scene is great. But what was Norma’s obsession with that red hat? Where did Carrie’s tiara go? Why does no-one head for the doors? Where was Sue when the gym was burning down?

Best Lines:
“Do any of you ever stop to think?”

“I hate Carrie White.”


Quotes of the Day

‘CSI’ Quote

“The man does seem to be a magnet for serial killers.”

‘Reading Lost’ Quotes

The Dharma Initiative and the Others, past and present inhabitants of this island, live in something vaguely similar to cosy 1950's subdivisions complete with lawn furniture.”

“The Others, in fact, demand very literally that the crash survivors stop moving around and observe borders, warning several times that if they leave a demarcated territory, ugly conflict will follow.”

“Malevolently suburban Others.”

“The ‘Others’, deviously plotting in hatches.”

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Scary Books


‘Primeval’ trailer
Two cast members seem to have vanished but Becker is still around. Will watch this.
Scary Books

CSI Trilogy +Whistle And I'll Come To You +Murder On the Orient Express

CSI’ Crossover Trilogy Reviewed

Watched the CSI human trafficking crossover. It wasn’t exactly event TV now was it?

CSI Miami – Bone Voyage
Horatio Caine and co hunt for a missing woman named Ashley and uncover body parts in the glades. They also uncover the fact that a skeevy modelling agent Jimmy (Louis Mandylor) is a pimp and that a showman chef has a second job. This was dull. Why do the bad guys always confess and why didn't Madeline Briggs ask Cally for help there and then?

Best Lines:
“I found some skull fragment.”
“Walter, this is a turtle shell.”

“My house is bigger than your precinct.”

CSI NY – Hammer Down
A big rig accident reveals a human cargo market. Stella is a cow. There is speech making about body parts and forced surrogacy. There is an idiotic scene in a scrap yard and Madeline Briggs continues to be dumb. This was lacklustre and why is it all about Madeline Briggs?

Best Line:
“I think I’d like to go to jail now.”

CSI – The Lost Girls
When a weathergirl is sliced up, the team investigate and uncover a link to the human trafficking gangs. The team joke about the “ho-vine” and arrest some pimps and a deluded ‘wifey’. This was a damp squib ending and Madeline Briggs continues to have no agency.

Best Line:
That Russian has a lot of holes for people who cross him.”

Whistle and I’ll Come To You (2010)

This contemporary reworking of the MR James short story was a disaster. It bore no resemblance whatsoever to the short story. An old codger (John Hurt) leaves his wife in an old folk’s home and visits a desolate beach.

On the beach he finds a ring engraved with the motto: who is this, who is coming. Soon he encounters an apparition cue boring whining. This was unsubtle, terrible, sexist and about as scary as an ep of ‘The Worst Christmas of Me Life’.

Poirot: Murder On The Orient Express (2010)

Poirot boards the Express and is even more self righteous and annoying, why does he keep referring to himself in the third person? Fellow passenger Ratchett is paranoid, rightly so as someone stabs him. So Poirot prays and is a jerk and a bully as he sniffs out whodunit.

Who gave Poirot the authority to be a pompous ass? The writers and acting ratchet Poirot up to a mean little goblin king who is so full of it he’s a bowel with over slicked hair. He yells at characters played by David Morrissey, Eileen Atkins and Barbara Hershey. Poirot sniffs out a connection to the Daisy Armstrong kidnapping case,

Poirot acts like a bell end and makes it all about him. His ranting and gurning at the end was an embarrassment. This was not like the book; the changed ending was a slap in the face. Wouldn’t Rathcett have recognised any of his travelling companions?

Best Lines:
“This is the backside of Europe.”

“Some crimes God does not forgive.”

“What must never be forgiven.”
Scary Books

Fond Memories of ‘Hercules: The Legendary Journeys’

I miss ‘Hercules: The Legendary Journeys’ which was fun 90’s TV even if star Kevin Sorbo has the emotional range of a limpet. It was a cheesy, enjoyable viewing pleasure. Some of my favourite episodes are discussed below.

War Bride’ showed off Iolaus’ waxed chest. Two princesses who dressed like showgirls pouted. One of them, Alexa, turned into an evil war monger and other Melissa was abducted. Hercules and his ever loyal sidekick Iolaus rescued her.

Melissa was stupid, insulted Iolaus and punched out her evil sister. Hercules delivered the moral message of the week and one of Iolaus’ kicks missed a bad guy by at least a foot. This was a good ep but what happened to Alexa?

Best Lines:
Pretty scrawny for a manservant isn’t he?”

“You mean walk? How quaint.”

There was also the funny ep ‘Stranger in a Strange world’ which saw Hercules and Ares fighting over Iolaus. This lead to the sidekick being abducted to a mirror universe while Hercules ended up hanging out with the subliterate alt Iolaus who is afraid of him.

Iolaus ended up hanging out with the Sovereign (an evil Hercules) who has a beard and likes to beat up his Iolaus. The Sovereign is a monstrous tyrant and a heartless psycho who is plotting to wed alt Aphrodite (isn’t she his half sister?) who is modest.

Alt Xena shows up to camp it up, alt Ares is the god of love, alt Gabrielle is the executioner and alt Joxer is a rebel leader. There’s a sight gag with a food taster and the wedding turns into a brawl/food fight. The dumb Sovereign tries to kill Iolaus which annoys Hercules as he wants his co-dependant tag along back. This was good though the sequel to this ep was nowhere near as good.

Best Lines:
“Lose your little buddy?”

“Annoying isn’t he?”
“Oh yeah.”

“Start acting like yourself and start amusing me or I swear...”

“Sit on it until the wedding.”

“Insolent toad.”

Then came season 5 which made the fandom explode as Iolaus was killed off in the season opener ‘Faith’. Then in ‘Darkness Rising’ Hercules learnt the dark god Dahak had possessed his dead best friend. He responded by being as stoic and wooden as ever. No real grief or anger on display here, even as Hercules and Dahak have a showdown.

Their fight was a bit too camp and not early as dark as it should have been considering the subject matter. Hercules’ blank features miserably failed to register anything remotely approaching a plausible emotion when he realised Iolaus was not mouldering away in his grave. His reaction is to punch Dahak in the face.

Best Lines:
"I fought him the last time he tried to enter our world in Sumeria. My best friend died stopping him.”

“You still don’t believe it’s me do you?”

Then came ‘Let There Be Light’ in which Dahak and his black contact lenses menaces Greece with his creepy behaviour. Hercules wants to depossesses his friend. Hercules and Dahak have some creepy confrontations which work this time despite Sorbo’s non-acting.

Dahak is unnerving and creepy as tries to fake that it is Iolaus. Hercules still doesn’t react right to the sight of his zombie BFF especially when Dahak relishes finding the Olympian gods.

Best Line:
“If you really were Iolaus, you’d know that.”

Then came ‘Redemption’ in which Dahak is tied up, has his clothes ripped open and is menaced with a knife by Hercules. Iolaus looks rough and does a ‘Candyman’ style echo chamber voice.

When he died in ‘Faith’, Iolaus’ last words were Hercules and after his death. Dahak tormented him in the afterlife in Hercules’ form. There are freaky goings on with the scar on Iolaus’ chest. Hercules frees Iolaus and he goes into the light. But not for long. This was good, even is the Dahak arc wasn’t as nasty and depraved as it could have been.

It should be mentioned that after Iolaus died in ‘Faith’, Hercules soon picked up a new sidekick/love interest in the form of Morrigan a Celtic war goddess. However Morrigan had a bad Irish accent, picked fights with Hercules’ other friends, was a snot, neglected her child and fluttered around Hercules being all sappy. Luckily they soon parted ways.

Best Lines:
This body is dead. It is merely a vessel for the spirit within.”

“I’ve been called many things.”
“Yeah, I can think of a few right now.”

“You took something that doesn’t belong to you Dahak, I’m here to repossess.”

In the season 5 finale ‘Revelations’ Hercules and Iolaus were reunited. The best buds were together again. Sure Iolaus seemed to have no life outside of being Hercules’ sidekick. Iolaus got out of the light aka Heaven to be with Hercules again, his return involved ending up lying on top of Hercules.

After reassuring his BFF that he wasn’t Dahak, by doing a hilarious impression of Dahak – all was well. The duo fought the Archangel Michael and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Ares hung around and had no real reaction to seeing Iolaus again despite his previous interaction and collaboration with Dahak. Ares instead blows up a cow and has a bird fall on his head. Hercules fights the Horseman and the Reckoning the same way he did Dahak. Lots of patronisation and smacking people around in true Phil Mitchell style. Afterwards Hercules and Iolaus stroll off together to have more adventures.

Best Lines:
“No more stewed possum for me.”

“What’s it good for?”
“Absolutely nothing.”

“You will atone.”
“I hate atoning.”

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