December 19th, 2010

Scary Books

Tapes Tales of 2002 or possibly 2003

Cleared out two tapes from circa 2002/2003. The first tape had three ‘Odyssey 5’ eps on it. The ‘Pilot’ ep which saw various types on a space shuttle witness the Earth blow up, then an alien showed up and sent them back in time five years to prevent it. Cue bad CGI, a lack of professionalism all round, unnecessary swearing and Chuck’s bad parenting waging a war of attrition against his son Neil.

Neil went from druggie emo moron to star astronaut in five years. How? Why does everyone love the bland Angela? Why does Neil have such idiot friends? This was dull.

Best Line:
This is one scenario NASA really forget to programme into their simulators.”

Then there was ‘Shatterer’ where Chuck’s idiot wife and idiot elder son Marc are annoying and the gang try to prevent the future.

Best Line:
“I think he saw the end coming.”

Then there was ‘Astronaut Dreams’ in which Chuck sabotages stuff, his boss hates him and it’s all boring.

On the second tape were one ep each of ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’, ‘Angel’, ‘Smallville’ and ‘Charmed’. The ‘Buffy’ was season 7’s ‘Storyteller’ which was all about Andrew mugging and was boring filler. Then was the season 4 ‘Angel’ ep ‘Orpheus’ in which there were flashbacks, Willow pulling faces, Cordelia over acting and Wesley trying to do ‘dark’. Can you believe people once thought Alexis Denisoff would be the breakout star of this franchise? Then came the season 2 ‘Smallville’ ep ‘Prodigal’ in which Lex locates his half brother Lucas (Paul Wesley of 'The Vampire Diaries') who after this ep was never seen or mentioned again. Pete takes up space. Clark and Lex bond, so sad.

Then finally there is a ‘Charmed’ ep entitled ‘The Importance of being Phoebe’ in which Cole strikes back against his ex-wife for abandoning him. The sisters baby talk and navel gaze and there is yelling.

Best Lines:
“I say we go back in there and drag her out by her hair.”

“We need a plan.”
“Okay, here it is: we go home, we vomit.”

Scary Books

The Event Ep 10 Review

Everything Will Change

Jarvis stops blubbering. Sean and Leila do boring stuff. Sophia and co blather about interfaces, accounts, end games and death tolls. Sterling and Simon lurk in the background doing nothing. Vicky and her sidekick have vanished.

Thomas has a cunning plan and it unfolds via bad CGI, Martinez is a jerk and the non-linear storytelling is missed. There’s a revelation that anyone could have seen coming. This was dull. ‘Alien Nation’ did it all far better long ago. This ep typifies the nightmare of everything that went wrong with this show.

Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Ivanhoe + Frozen

Ivanhoe (1952)

In this adventure a knight plots to rescue King Richard The Lionheart before his skeletal brother John takes the throne. Also the Saxon/Norman conflict is touched upon and Robin Hood and his merry men play second fiddle to Ivanhoe.

Ivanhoe courts the bland Lady Rowena and deals with his mean dad. Everyone wears colours that belong in a drag queen’s reject pile. Ivanhoe’s idiot sidekick makes idiot jokes and Rebecca (Elizabeth Taylor) shows up to brood.

The rat like Prince John is a giant ball of suck, Rowena bullies Rebecca and there is a siege on a castle. It’s all very underwhelming despite hails of useless arrows and accusations of witchcraft. This film is crudely constructed and the set pieces are loosely stitched together.

The women have no agency in this film. Rowena is a bit of fluff and Rebecca is overlooked in favour of that milk sop. This was sadly dull.

Best Lines:
“I know of a route nearby but perhaps you would scorn it.”
“Why? Is it humble?”
“No sire, it is Saxon.”

“Bid them enter in peace and depart in peace. Or else depart in pieces.”

“What do you want of me? Be brief for I want none of you.”

Frozen (2009)

Two best friends and one of their girlfriends gets stuck on a ski chairlift because they were too greedy and cheap to pay for lift tickets or pay attention to weather warnings.

Parker, Joe (Shawn Ashmore) and Dan are stupid, irresponsible morons who babble, cry and bicker like toddlers when they realise no-one knows they’re up there. Also it is Sunday and no-one will be back until Friday.

This trio are so dumb: why didn’t they listen to the lift operator? Why don’t they huddle together or bundle up? Why do they touch the metal chairlift with their bare skin? Why don’t they wrap up? Why didn’t they realise the resort had shut down?

As they scream and yell and fail to find ways to get down, things get worse and even more ludicrous. But you don’t care: the characters are whiny idiots who act and cry badly. This film is ludicrous, boring and unintentionally funny. This was disappointing and one question is never answered: where did the big clump of blood on the safety bar disappear to?

Best Line:
“Why am I friends with you?”
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Reviews: The Spirit Thief + The Spirit Rebellion

The Spirit Thief by Rachel Aaron

Eli Monpress is a smug thief with a plan. He’s going to steal a King with the help of his sidekicks. The aforementioned sidekicks are a swordsman with a magic sword and a demon possessed girl.

On the opposing side is Miranda a Spiritualist with the power of self righteousness on her side. This a good fantasy romp even if it suffers from exposition dumps and the fact that Eli is an amoral jerk.

The Spirit Rebellion by Rachel Aaron

The sequel to ‘The Spirit Thief’ sees Eli Monpress still at large planning to rob a Citadel. Miranda Lyonette is outraged to find herself on trial for the events of the previous book. Also there is plotting afoot in the Spirit Court.

Eli comes up against an insane OCD Duke and his pet demon gets hungry. This is a good romp and it’s all building up to something.

Best Line:
“It hasn’t been seen in eighty years, though, not since Rikard the Mad lived up to his name and started giving out his family’s treasure to any-one who promised to banish the demon he was convinced lived in his chest.”

Nikita Ep 11 Review

All The Way

Alex faces graduation and has to kill someone at a wedding. Nikita interferes and all hell breaks loose. Meanwhile flashbacks show how Alex’s insertion was planned. There’s a hapless wedding planner (Robin Givens), the head of some conniving’ kinfolk (Daniel Kash), Michael gets shot again and a great stunt where a guy is tossed through a table.

This was okay but the event TV it thinks it is. How did Birkhoff never notice the chat room until now? Why is Division near a silo? Does Michael suspect Alex? I guess Michael isn’t forgiving Nikita and Amanda points out the obvious.

Best Lines:
“But if I fail to kill, the penalty is death.”
“Not if I’m your reason for failure, otherwise half of Division would be dead by now.”

“I’m not a criminal, no matter what the IRS says.”

“You want to be the bunny or the piggy?”

“Now he’s dead and he’s quiet.”

“Division’s got more leaks than BP.”

“You were a killer before you came to us.”