November 23rd, 2010

Scary Books

Movie Reviews: The Three Musketeers +The Hallowe'en Party

The Three Musketeers (1973)

d’Artagnan (Michael York of ‘Cabaret’) comes to Paris to be a musketeer and picks fights with everyone. Milady (Faye Dunaway) and her hats lurks. The three musketeers throw wobblies and fight people while wearing their high heeled boots, lace and feathers.

d'Artagnan befriends the threesome and they all hang out doing daring do. Athos (Oliver Reed) is drunk and brooding. Aramis (Richard Chamberlain) has a 1970’s perm and Porthos (Frank Finlay of ‘Bouquet of Barbed Wire’) falls over a lot.

d'Artagnan falls for Constance (Raquel Welch) while fighting the big cheese (Christopher Lee) and foiling the plots of Cardinal Richelieu (Charlton Heston). Bad wigs are worn, the idiot royal family has a crisis due to the Queen’s emotional adultery and much camp comedy is had. Oliver Reed steals the movie by brooding a lot.

There are numerous swordfights, the King is an idiot and Milady has killer hairpins. This was okay with a happy ending and then there was the sequel. But that is another story.

Best Lines:
Away bumpkin!”

“The rascal can sleep out there. When monsieur beats him for insolence his screams will scare be heard.”

“That devil has spies everywhere. That evil, filthy, revolting, wretched man. Evil, filthy, revolting, evil man.”

“In the Bastille, there is no afterwards.”

“This pass is only for one person.”
“I am only one person. That is a servant.”

“French trollop.”

“England is an island, how do I get off?”

Poirot: The Hallowe’en Party

Joyce a much ignored child acts up at a party and claims to have seen a murder. Then is murdered herself while everyone else is playing snapdragon. The pompous Poirot minces his way into town to solve the case.

This has an atmospheric start and the story does intrigues with a local witch, stories of odd deaths and unpleasant locals. But the resolution with yelling about wills, many horrible murders, odd behaviour and ludicrous revelations derails the story. This was okay could have been better.

Best Lines:
“Old sins cast long shadows.”

“All dead and mouldering in their graves.”

Scary Books

The Vampire Diaries Season 1 Ep 16 Review

There Goes The Neighbourhood

Caroline is a whiny snot. The tomb vampires have escaped to annoy. Pearl and Anna plot. Jenna, Damon and Kelly hang out. Elena whines. Jeremy’s dumb and tomb vamps attack Stefan and Damon. This was awful; I don’t care about any of these people or their constant whining.

Best Lines:
“I was just trying to make conversation.”
“Try less.”

Scary Books

United States of Tara Season 2 Ep 9 Review

The Family Portrait

Max gets it on with Pammy. Yuk. Tara continues to be obnoxious and unrepentant about stealing Kate’s safe place and alienating her entire family. Kate sells herself online and off and gets a vespa out of it.

Marshall and Lionel wreck a relationship and think it’s hilarious. Charmain, Nick and Neill all yell. Linda mutters. This is awful.
Scary Books

The Event Ep 6 Review


Simon acts suspiciously. Thomas lurks like toenail fungus and is about as interesting. Sean and Leila bore. Sterling learns there is a traitor. Michael has secrets and Sophia’s a liar and a hypocrite. This was awful. This series went from an excellent start to a non-event which is predictable and badly acted.

So there is no water on the detainees’ world? How does Sophia know Chinese? Dogs don’t like Sophia? So is Simon’s cover blown or not? Why are Sean and Leila such idiots? Why isn’t Michael’s house under watch? Are we supposed to care about the hysterical woman?
Scary Books

Fringe Season 3 Ep 6 Review

6955 kHz

Mysterious radio broadcasts attract attention. Peter and alt Olivia bask in the afterglow, Walter snots and the First People are mentioned. We get some interesting info on the First People, which makes you wonder how they tie into the story arc. This is good. But why no mentions of the Pattern or ZFT?

Why is Nina so forgiving of Walter after the loss of her arm? What is the Vacuum? Who wrote the book about the First People and how? How do the other side know more about the First People? Does this have any connection to the Ghost Network of season 1? What is the machine and why does it respond to Peter? What is phase II?

Best Lines:
“Yesterday he spent 15 minutes in front of the utility closet thinking it was the elevator.”

“He will play right into Walternate’s hands.”

“Some sort of cataclysm that so completely decimated the First People they were just wiped out of the historical record.”

“Whatever they needed from you, they have it now. It’s not safe for you here anymore.”

Scary Books

True Blood Season 2 Ep 11 Review


Jessica’s tantrum has consequences with Hoyt. Bill meets Sophie-Anne the vampire queen who is played like a petulant teenager by an inept actress. Lafayette has fur handcuffs and hallucinates about Eric in a dress. Tara is still belligerent. Jason mentions ‘World War Z’. Tara’s mother is an idiot.

It seems that exorcism from season 1 had consequences. Maryann screeches. Hoyt learns some truths, Sam goes for help and Sookie just whines. This was bad with endless boring scenes of Bill and the queen. Then there is the idiot revelation of what Tara and Eggs are guarding and Bill ranting non-stop about his SOOK-EH.

Best Lines:
“Orgies? Sacrifice? Cannibalism?”
“We suspect.”

“She’s convinced herself she’s immortal.”

“She’s no longer even remotely human.”

“That devil woman.”

“Ritual is a powerful thing and calling forth that kind of energy has consequences.”

“She was thinking creepy foreign stuff and I could tell it wasn’t good.”

“Oh poor Carl, he didn’t really advance much in this lifetime.”

“Sad silly things. The world changed centuries ago and they’re still waiting for the god who comes.”

“This town might be full of crazy rednecks and dumbasses.”

Scary Books

Quotes of the Day

Unsympathetic Magic’ Quote

“I don’t like to speak ill of the dead. Especially since they may be listening.”

The Simpsons’ Quotes

You’ll crack like one of those chicken turds rich people eat.”
“You mean an egg?”

Modern Family’ Quote

You’d think growing up in a place full of death squads and drunken uncles; she’d have learned to move a little quicker.”

Raising Hope’ Quotes

“I live in a tent in your laundry room.”
“No, not any more you don’t.”

‘Hollyoaks’ Quotes

You’re in trouble Ste. Can’t you see it? He loves you, get out while you can.”

“Me and Brendan were sleeping together.”
“We’ve been sleeping together and he’s been beating me up.”


Nikita Ep 7 Review

The Recruit
The assassins-in-training train via holograms. Then an inept recruit named Sara is activated. Nikita rushes in to help Sara. Meanwhile roid rage recruit Robbie is played with until he breaks. Birkhoff smugs. Michael broods. This was very good. Poor Robbie and his James Bond fantasies. Poor Sara and her illusions. Where is Jaden? What about Sara’s tracking implant? Don’t they worry about a mole? Internal security must be really bad if they didn’t see Robbie’s psychotic break coming. Is there really a way to escape from Division? What is Amanda up to?

Best Line:
Like a one woman Michael Bay movie, only with good acting."
Scary Books

Book Reviews: The Other Side of the Island + Anti-Ice

The Other Side of the Island by Allegra Goodman

Honor and her parents move to Island 365 in the Tranquil Sea. Earth Mother and her corporation ensure that everything is orderly and predictable for life after the Flood. But Honor’s parents don’t follow the rules. They ignore curfew, neglect their children and flaunt their contempt for society not caring about the consequences.

This is a dystopian world and much is unexplained. Are the rigid controls necessary? Are Honor’s parents just selfish reckless idiots? Is the ending happy or unhappy? This is good and can be read in many different ways.

Anti-Ice by Stephen Baxter

This alternate history steampunk tale is set in a 1870 where the British Empire rules supreme powered by the mysterious substance anti-ice. Ned Vicars is an ordinary chap who gets caught up in revolution, war and an unscheduled flight to the moon.

This is a good adventure tale. It starts out as a glorious what-if about the Victorians possessing anti-matter but as the story progresses you realise this Empire is a nightmare world of Imperialism, a shifting balance of power and toxic hatreds. This is good.

Best Line:
To set foot on another world was surely the most significant achievement in human development since the Ark – or, if Sir Charles Darwin is to be believed, since our monkey ancestors desisted from hurling bananas at each other and climbed down from the trees to walk upright on the land.”