October 19th, 2010

Scary Books

Tape Tales of 2000 & 2001

Cleared out two tapes. One from 2000 and one from 2001. The 2000 tape contained one ep each of ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’, ‘G vs E’, ‘Angel’ and ‘The X Files’. The ‘Buffy’ was a season 4 ep entitled ‘Primeval’ in which Spike has turned Buffy and her friends against each other. So now they have boring issues. Adam and Riley get too much screen time, Spike annoys, there is outdated CGI and made up computer tech. There’s a big dumb fight. This was dull.

The ‘G vs E’ ep was ‘To Be Or Not To Be Evil’ in which Morlocks have invaded Hollywood and so ‘Dawson’s Creek’ and ‘Scream’ get mocked. This was okay. The ‘Angel’ ep was the season 1 ‘Blind Date’ in which a blind assassin is lurking. Lindsay sneers and tries to be good. Cue much flicking of Lindsay’s 90’s hair, an obvious low budget, floppy discs, Wesley being pompous and Lindsey deciding to be bad after all. This was dull and why do people work for Wolfram & Hart if they can be horribly killed for any failing whatsoever?

Finally ‘The X File’ ep was ‘Sein Und Zeit’ in which a kidnapping ties into an earlier case. Mulder broods, Mrs Mulder takes up screen time and the reason why the mother wrote the fake kidnapping note isn’t explained. Even the creepy final image would be undermined in the follow up ep. Boring.

The 2001 tape had one ep each of ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’, ‘Cleopatra 2525’, ‘Jack of all Trades’, ‘Angel’ and ‘The X Files’. The ‘Buffy’ was the season 5 ‘Triangle’ in which Riley is finally gone but Xander and Dawn won’t shut up about him. Willow shoplifts and is obnoxious. A troll annoys, this was boring.

Best Line:
“Relationship debris is kind of piling up on the Buffy highway.”

The ‘Cleopatra 2525’ ep was ‘Reality Check’ in which Cleo finds herself back with her 500 years gone boy toy. She’s stuck in a simulator. Her friends try to rescue her and idiot comedy ensues. This was dull. The ‘Jack of All Trades’ ep was ‘Croquey in the Pokey’ in which Croque ends up in jail and idiot accents and comedy ensure dull viewing.

The ‘Angel’ ep was the season 2 ‘Redefinition’ in which the darkly brilliant ending of the previous ep ‘Reunion’ is undone by having Lilah and Lindsey survive. Darla and Drusilla skip into Wolfram & Hart, I guess the vampire detectors had the day off. Cordelia, Gunn, Wesley and Lorne bore. Angel hunts down Darla and Drusilla and doesn’t finish them off. Boring.

Finally there was ‘The X Files’ ep ‘Via Negativa’ in which Doggett and Skinner look into a cult massacre. Doggett bores, Skinner is in too many scenes and the Lone Gunmen show up. A weird cult leader lurks, weird visions are had and Scully sits this one out. Boring.
Scary Books

United States of Tara Season 2 Ep 4 Review

You Becoming You

Max is angry, Kate is snotty, Charmain is dumb and Tara looks over tanned. Kate’s useless subplot drags on. Marshall has an annoying subplot and how Max and Tara pay for her various failed therapies, massive amounts of drugs that don’t work and buying another house isn’t explained. The humour is gone and two revelations are made. This was just ugh.

Best Lines:
Who’s the parent here?”
“No one!”

Scary Books

Chuck Season 4 Ep 1 Review

Chuck Versus The Anniversary

I haven’t watched season 3 so a few things made me go, what. Morgan is in the know and is a spy? Chuck’s absentee mother (Linda Hamilton) is a spy? Chuck has got an ugly haircut? The Ring has been eliminated? And TPTB just will not get rid of the Buy More?

Chuck and the dumber than ever Morgan look for Chuck’s MIA mother running up debt in the process. Casey still has no personality beyond annoyed grunting, Sarah still annoys and the opening credits are still the same ugly mess. All the charm of season 1 is long gone.

The quirky humour is forced and the low budget and recycled soundtrack from ‘The Hunt for Red October’ annoy. This ep’s stunt casting is Dolph Lungren whose acting hasn’t improved since ‘Universal Soldier’.

The sap and objectifying of women is still firmly in place and Ellie shows up for one scene to announce she’s pregnant. This was dull.

Best Lines:
“My advice: get a job.”

“He thinks we’re sexting.”
“What? What does that even mean?”

Scary Books

True Blood Season 2 Ep 6 Review

Hard-Hearted Hannah

Eric annoys. Lorena shows up. Flashbacks to the 1920’s show Bill and Lorena’s twisted relationship. Maryann and Tara yell at each other about a water heater pipe. Jason builds a platform. Sookie yaps. Hoyt’s mother annoys. Eggs acts weird.

Sookie and Rufus infiltrate the Fellowship of the Sun and are immediately made and tossed into the basement. Andy unravels. Maryann holds another weird party. Daphne is no good. Rubber fangs are bared. This dull apart from Terry and Lafayette bonding. When will TPTB reveal the truth about Bill? He and his bad haircut and grunting just annoy.

Best Line:
“I know that pig.”
Scary Books

‘Robin Hood’ Quotes:

“I have a mother that won’t die and a brother who wishes me dead.”

“Mother spare me your farmyard memories. You have none and I don’t understand them.”

“For the love of Christ, Loxley, would you stop them doing that!”

Scary Books

Book Review: Fangs for the Mammaries

Fangs for the Mammaries edited by Esther Friesner

The 3rd anthology in the supernatural suburbia series after the hilarious ‘Witch Way to the Mall’ and the disappointing ‘Strip Mauled’. This book focuses on vampires after its predecessors covered witches and werewolves. What is next? Zombies?

Miss White-Hands Class goes Shopping
A teacher takes her vampire students to the mall for lessons in socialisation. Naturally havoc ensures. This is good and funny.

A Matter of Blood
A vampire is on the loose and a PI and his girlfriend must put a stop to him. This is okay.

Sarah Bailey and the Texas Beauty Queen
A Dallas real estate agent is suspected of being a vampire. Good.

Family Matters
Julian a pompous teen witch tangles with vampires. Okay.

Sappy Meals
A vampire is on trial. Cue parodies of ‘Twilight’ and ‘Anita Blake’. This is good.

Fruit of the Vein
A vampire solves a murder at a party. This is funny and good.

Food Quart
Imagine ‘Dexter’ as a vampiric mall security guard. This is good.

Dazed and Confused
There are unpleasant goings on in suburbia as a feud gets ugly. This is okay.

A teenage girl bemoans her lack of a vampire boyfriend. This is a good parody of ‘Twilight’ and ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’.

Long in the Tooth
A love triangle never ends well. Especially when one of them is a vampire. This is good.

Bella and the Flying Lugosis
Vampire class war, good.

Bait and Switch
A woman makes a living saving idiots from their infatuation with vampires. Then a case gets very complicated, good and yet another ‘Twilight’ parody.
Scary Books

Movie Review: The Name of the Rose (1986)

It is 1327 and mysterious deaths are taking place at a remote abbey in Italy. The monk William of Baskerville (Sean Connery) and his novice Adso (a very young and acne ridden Christian Slater) investigate as various people mutter about the wiles of the evil one.

There are lots of mysterious deaths in the perpetually snow, mud and fog riddled abbey. But this Middle Ages Holmes and Watson will solve the case. This film is sinister and very atmospheric.

As the plot unfolds: Adso has an encounter with a feral peasant girl, William encounters forbidden books, secret passages are uncovered and the Inquisition shows up to cause misery. The murderer is revealed, unpleasant things happen and the ending is a mixture of downbeat and hopeful. This was a good slice of 14th century life, but what does the title mean?

Best Lines:
“May I speak with you candidly?”
“You seem most anxious to do so.”

“The devil is roaming this abbey!”

“The beast is still among us.”

“We must not let ourselves be influenced by irrational rumours of the anti-Christ.”

“Laughter is a devilish whim.”

“The girl of whom I have never ceased to dream these many long years. She was the only earthly love of my life.”

Scary Books

Valemont Review, Part 5

Poppy annoys. Maggie/Sophie meets her long lost vampire mommy and learns who is her and Eric’s daddy. There is more bizarre vampire mythology, vampires who have kids have pureblood vampire kids and this for some reason is a bad thing.

Sophie kills Beatrice and runs away with Poppy. Eric gets staked. Two presumed dead characters aren’t dead. And Valemont also has an evil brother. This was okay.
Scary Books

Nikita (2010 - 2013) Ep 2 Review


Michael and Percy protect a war criminal. Alex is activated to play a role. Nikita sabotages the operation. Meanwhile flashbacks show how Nikita met Alex. This was okay. Michael’s gun shot wound has healed, Birkhoff annoys and Jaden whines. Where did Alex get a phone? Where does Nikita get her money and why didn’t Michael shoot her when he got the chance?
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Scary Books

Survivors (1975 – 1977) Review, Part 4

A Beginning

Series one comes to a merciful end. Greg rants and stirs the pot. Abby is useless and full of ignoratio elenchi. Suddenly they have sheep again and a never mentioned before greenhouse. Charmin wears a shiny, yellow jacket that is very clean. The kids are useless. Abby wears her vile yellow flares again. Everyone is useless and whining.

Jenny’s knocked up. Another group passes by and warns of raiders. Greg suggests a Federation of Settlements. Paul walks around with his shirt open to the waist. Mrs Cohen does all the cooking for no thanks. Abby runs away to Jimmy Garland who has won his war and sports a vile sheepskin waistcoat and a medallion.

As Jimmy and Abby drink the contents of his liquor collection, back at the settlement a sick woman is dumped. Greg is a jerk at least until the sick women wakes up and reveals her name is Ruth and she’s a doctor. Jenny wears a hideous sweater vest. Ruth reveals she met Peter. This was boring.

Series 2

Birth of a Hope

Series 1 ended on a semi-optimistic note but someone made note of the large problems the show had and made some big changes and did some severe retooling for season 2.

Greg goes to Whitecross to trade with Charles, who has undergone some pruning of his personality since his series 1 guest role. Charles has a set up a new commune and has a new woman named Pet. When did Greg and co learn to cure skins, make mutton fat lamps and get new sheep and chickens?

Abby has left to find Peter (meaning the actress was fired). As Greg hangs out with Charles, the settlement burns down leaving only Greg, Jenny, Paul, Ruth, Arthur and the idiot kids alive. Everyone else from series 1 (Mrs Cohen, Vic, Donny, Laura and her baby, Charmin, Ben the dog etc are dead)

So Greg and co move into with Charles. The Federation of settlements that was discussed in series 1 isn’t mentioned. Greg doesn’t like the idea of communal living and is thankless. Ruth (played by a new actress) delivers Jenny’s baby and has acquired a ratty fur coat from somewhere. How does Charles make charcoal but have no soap? This was good.

Best Lines:
“I’ve been pretty resilient during my career. I’ve survived the Death. I’ve even adapted to this ghastly way of life.”

“We’ve got to learn to live together.”

Greater Love

Ruth and Paul get together. Jenny cares for her baby that looks like something from ‘The Omen’ and then she develops childbed fever. To treat her, Ruth needs medical equipment from a hospital. Paul volunteers to go to a hospital in Birmingham. Why didn’t Ruth ask for latex gloves?

Paul gets the drugs and equipment needed. But he’s sick and quarantined in a barn. DDT is used as disinfectant. Ruth talks about the Death possibly being a mutant strain of the Black Death and how Paul probably has yet another mutated version. Greg shouts. Ruth and co make a primitive isolation suit to treat Paul but to no avail. The irritating kids get a birthday party. This was good.

Best Lines:
“You do realise that for Jenny’s baby, there’ll be no vaccines for polio, diphtheria, smallpox?”

“Town’s are lethal.”

Lights of London, Part 1

Two strangers show up claiming to have word of Abby and Peter. Ruth goes with them only to learn they’ve lied and have tricked her into coming to their community in London. Their community is suffering from an unknown illness called London sickness.

London has disease and rats but what about the Thames flood barrier? And the underground pumping stations? Manny the leader of the London community shows off his telephone, electricity, radio and hot water.

Ruth learns that Abby was in London but she hasn’t found Peter and is presumed dead. Ruth is put to work alongside a doctor and nurse who wear cleaned, starched and ironed uniforms. Nobody seems concerned that of an original community of 1000 people, 500 have died.

Ruth learns that the Oval cricket ground is being transformed into a farm and that the community are planning a big move to the Isle of Wight. Greg and Charles track Ruth down and get attacked by a rat pack. This was very good; the return to London and the first news of the wider world is welcome.

Best Line:
“We have a fair chance of extinction in a few generations.”

Lights of London, Part 2

Charles and Greg end up in Manny’s community and are put to work. Greg and some others have to find a way through the impassable streets. Charles despite being bitten severely does not develop septic shock or plague. Manny wears a hideous orange shirt, people die and the biliously repellent Greg rants.

Manny’s power mad, lies are uncovered and London community reject Wally (Roger Lloyd Pack) who nobody listens to is proved right. This was good and that snippy hoyden Abby is not missed.

Best Lines:
“I didn’t come through all this to live in a fascist state.”

“What do you know about fascist states?”
“I’ve been around long enough to know which way things are going here.”

“There’s no future for these people.”