October 14th, 2010

Scary Books

The Vampire Diaries Season 1 Ep 11 Review

Bloodlines

Damon shows up, conveniently, to save Elena and she hangs out with him and whines. Jeremy meets Anna, Alaric broods, Bonnie whines and Damon looks up the ill fated Bree (Gina Torres). Elena defends Damon. Why? She is a stupid, smug moo cow.

Stefan knows Bonnie’s grandmother Shelia. Damon kills Bree. Stefan makes up with Elena and reveals he saved her from the car crash that killed her parents and that is she adopted. Elena snots some more. Alaric recognises Damon as the ruiner of his life. This was stupid.

Best Line:
“I was right about Mystic Fall, there is evil here.”
Scary Books

Valemont Review, Part 4

Sophie’s a vampire, Gabriel appears to be dead. Sophie get a lecture on being a vampire. Poppy is given her marching orders but doesn’t listen. Eric and his ridiculous rubber fangs plots. The vampire mythology continues to be bizarre. Sophie dreams of Valemont, the college’s founder and a vampire war brews. This is okay, the storyline intrigues.

Best Line:
“We really need to discuss your taste in men.”
Scary Books

Survivors (1975 - 1977) Review, Part 3

Revenge

Vic (played by a new actor) broods and feels useless. No-one sympathises, they care as much for ‘cripples’ as they do for those with learning difficulties like the late and unlamented Barney. Vic tries to kill himself and everyone accuses him of attention seeking. Then two new arrivals arrive at the settlement: Donny and Anne.

Vic wants revenge on Anne for abounding him to die in the quarry. Anne nags and wears a very clean fur coat. Abby wears a nasty green polo neck and contributes nothing. Laura is unseen apparently she has post natal blues aka post partum depression, nobody cares.

Mrs Cohen cooks and baby sits and wears a huge collar. Donny has a petrol tanker so he can stay. Anne who wears a green Chairman Mao trouser suit is ordered to leave. The kids annoy, Anne waves a scythe at Vic and wears a blouse that matches the hideous pink wallpaper with purple flowers. Then she leaves. This was boring with terrible acting and dialogue. These people are all loathsome and where did they get the scythes and Clydesdale horse from?

~
Something of Value

Apparently they’ve been trading with a nearby settlement but we’ve never been shown this. A storm destroys all the stuff of Vic’s they retrieved from the quarry. Like idiots they allow a man to stay who is plotting to steal the petrol tanker. Greg and Abby plan to trade the petrol for food to fend off starvation. Remember when all the sheep were shot in a previous ep? What did they do with all the meat?

Greg drives the tanker (badly) to the nearby settlement with Jenny’s ‘help’ but the tanker breaks down and the thieves strike. Why doesn’t Donny drive the tanker? He was experience! The petrol thieves are hoist by their own petard. Greg who has killed uncountable numbers during his Alpha Male posturing makes a oh the humanity speech. This was boring, I don’t care about any of the characters. Eps like ‘The Fourth Horseman’ and ‘Corn Dolly’ were full of promise. Where did it all go?
Scary Books

White Collar Season 1 Ep 4 Review

Flip of the Coin

Elizabeth (Tiffani Thiessen) asks Peter to help her friend’s husband who is accused of theft. Neal poses in a waistcoat like he thinks he’s Captain Jack Harkness. The baddie of the week is Aimes, who is played by the actor who was a blight on ‘The Sarah Connor Chronicles’.

This was a vast improvement and was good. There is an antique coin and a reporter who looks like Claire off ‘Lost’, still Peter is his usual pompous self and Elizabeth exists only to agree with her husband at all times and never argue with him. Neal gets another message from Kate, are we supposed to care about that plotline or something?

Best Lines:
“Need a car.”
“I’ll get my slim jim.”

“I need to look like I can drop a few million on antiquities. This says: look what I kept in the divorce
.”
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Solomon Kane + Father Goose

Solomon Kane (2009)

In 1600 Solomon Kane is a mercenary who snarls a lot and never washes his hair. Then he encounters the Devil’s Reaper and decides to change his ways. He also apparently swims back to England from Africa.

Now Solomon is a puritan in a bad wig who fights Satan’s minions in the miserable, muddy perpetually rain drenched land of Englandshire. This is like ‘The Shadow’ and like that film, isn’t good at all.

There is an awful soundtrack, a flashback to young Solomon being disowned by his dad (Max Von Sydow) shows that young Solomon had a posh accent which his adult self doesn’t have. Solomon befriends a nice Puritan family and bad stuff happens. There is too much slo-mo, an obvious villain and creatures who look like left over orcs from ‘Lord of the Rings’. This was just abominable.

Best Lines:
“Every foul thing that the light of Christ kept at bay is crawling up out of the pit to curse the land.”

“He can lead us believe me.”
“Where to Henry, the nearest tavern?”

“You lived here?”
“Uh-huh.”
“That explains a lot.”


~
Father Goose (1964)

Walter Eckland (Cary Grant) is a drunk beachcomber sitting out World War II and then Royal Navy officer Houghton (Trevor Howard) forces him into becoming a coast watcher on the deserted island of Matalava. Walter fumes, Houghton and his sidekick Stebbings laugh.

Then Walter gets some uninvited guests in the form of school teacher Miss Freneau (Leslie Caron) and her seven students. Cue hilarity as they take over Walter’s hovel, steal his clothes and hide his whiskey. Miss Goody Two Shoes and The Filthy Beast can’t stand each other, so naturally they bond. This is good with a dramatic finale.

Best Lines:
“We could have transferred George Dickens from the interior if he hadn’t got himself eaten that way.”
“You needn’t make him sound such a shirker.”

“Good heavens.”
“What is it?”
“He...he made a gesture, Sir!”

“What? What are all those?”
“As you can see they’re young ladies.”

“What if they’re dangerous?”
“Oh, we can always ask Mr Eckland.”
“Yeah if he says eat them, we’ll know they’re poisonous.”

“They want to get married.”
“Married? Good Two Shoes and the Filthy Beast?”
Scary Books

Fringe Season 3 Ep 2 Review

The Box

There are mysterious deaths tied to a box. Nina wears another fright wig. Bell’s will is read and Walter inherits something unexpected, the death taxes will be enormous no doubt. Alt Olivia kills a deaf man and makes out with Peter. They’re bonding. Peter can’t forgive Walter. This was okay and best of all there is no Bono in the alt universe, praise be!

What is synaesthesia and speciation? Why was Newton a frozen head? Is that ‘History of Pop Culture’ a Taschen book? Why do Broyles and Astrid think Peter should make nice with his kidnapper? What is the weapon and why are pieces of it on our side? What is Alt Olivia up to with Peter and Walter? What is Peter’s destiny?

Best Lines:
“Their side may be alluring but don’t be taken in by it. They started the war.”

“A mad scientist who kidnapped you from another universe.”

“You took me from my family, from my world.”

“He destroyed their world, my world.”

“It’s not like they gave him a picture of himself with fireballs coming out of his eyes while he was strapped into a doomsday machine.”

“Am I supposed to destroy worlds too? Because I’ll be honest with you, I don’t really want to turn out like Walter.”