September 13th, 2010

Scary Books

2000 Tape Tale

Cleared out a tape from 2000. It had four very boring TV shows on it. One episode each of ‘Popular’, ‘Xena, Warrior Princess’, ‘G vs E’ and ‘Star Trek: Voyager’.

First up was the ‘Popular’ ep entitled ‘Under Siege’ in which Sam continues to suffer from the delusion that she and her clique are outsiders. Sam defines herself by her opposition to Brooke and is a loathsome hag. Mary Cherry wears a chinchilla fur trimmed coat to school. Chad Lowe plays a teacher who Sam inadvertently gets fired and Sandra Oh pops up as a humanities teacher. This was an awful episode. Brooke’s boyfriend Josh continues to be an emotionally abusive jerk and his desire to appear in the school musical was soon all but forgotten. Brooke and Sam’s cliques are both unpleasant mobs.

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The ‘Xena’ ep was ‘Married With Fishsticks’ in which Xena coos over baby Eve and the Hope issue remains unmentioned. Joxer inflicts himself on the viewer in almost every scene. Discord shows up. Gabrielle has a dream in which she is a mermaid in a plot ripped off from ‘Overboard’. This was abysmal and unfunny.

Best Line:
“I almost didn’t recognise you with your legs so close together.”

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The ‘G vs E’ ep was ‘Cliffhanger’ in which an author makes a Faustian deal to write The Great American novel and Chandler and the writer’s agent (Jason Carter) get trapped in a van hanging off a cliff. This was boring.

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Finally the ‘Star Trek: Voyager’ ep was ‘Tsunkatse’ which combined the ‘Fight Club’ rip off ep with a stunt cast wrestler turned actor. There is terrible alien make up and the crew bay for blood over cage fighting. This was pedantic and entirely unsatisfactory. It’s as shallow as you think it is. Still Jeffrey Combs plays yet another villain with gusto.

Best Line:
“The Borg wouldn’t know fun if they assimilated an amusement park.”
Scary Books

True Blood Season 2 Ep 1 Review

Nothing But The Blood

Sookie’s annoying fake accent and self righteous smugness is out in full force as she meets Jessica and learns Bill killed her bad touch great uncle. Bill killed the trailer trash that beat Sookie so what did she think would happen when she told her vampire boyfriend that her great uncle molested her? What did she think would happen? Jason meets the Newlins and enjoys the Fellowship of the Sun church. Flashbacks show how a 17 year old Sam met Maryann. Also various unfortunates are held in a ‘Saw’ like basement. This was dull.

Best Lines:
“There ain’t no pulse.”
“What? Why?”
“Because there ain’t no heart.”

“You’re overworked. You’re also drunk.”
“What? I am not overworked.”

“I am going to have a guest come over shortly.”
“Can we eat her?”
“You may not.”

“I will not have you looking like a slattern.”
“A what?”

Scary Books

Eastwick Ep 9 Review

Tasers and Mind Erasers

Darryl urges Kat to heal Greta. Mia is a brat and in peril again. Roxie’s mother shows up. Joanna and Kat act stupidly and finally use their powers. Roxie can read minds now, joy. Roxie objects when her mother tells her how to raise Mia. Roxie needs to be told how to parent. Joanna gets a job in an empty bar.

The trio finally discuss their powers, that took long enough. Meanwhile Bun, Eleanor and Jamie plot to kill Darryl via proxy. Jamie is the son of Darryl and Gloria who was the third member of the Bun and Eleanor triad. Didn’t earlier eps suggest that Bun was Jamie’s mother? This was full of sap and unanswered questions. What does Darryl want? Where is Pastor Dunn?
Scary Books

My Own Worst Enemy (2009) Review

An ill-fated Christian Slater TV vehicle that bore a striking resemblance to ‘Dollhouse’ and ‘Jekyll’.

Breakdown
Edward (Christian Slater) is a cold blooded spy who has another personality in the form of Henry, a boring middle class dweller. Edward knows about Henry but Henry doesn’t know about Edward until the chip in their head that controls the split breaks. Straight away the questions arise: what is the point of the Edward/Henry split? Why did Edward’s spy agency create the fake Henry personality in the first place?

Edward is a nut; sadly TPTB never let Slater go all out in the role as he did in ‘Very Bad Things’. Henry has a Stepford wife Angie (Madchen Amick of ‘Twin Peaks’) and a daughter and a son Jack (Taylor Lautner of ‘Twilight’). Henry becomes aware of Edward, boring stuff happens.

Best Lines:
I won’t tell Mavis that you’re playing World of Warcraft on her billion dollar mainframe.”

“In a few years when your kid is in the campus bell tower picking off other students with a rifle yelling about how Daddy was never there. Just remember I called it.”


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Hummingbird
Tony the put upon tech guy (apparently the ONLY tech guy) at Janus (subtle name isn’t it?) has to figure out how Edward’s chip broke. Meanwhile Edward has an icky attitude to Angie. Edward’s boss Trumbull (James Cromwell) lurks. Edward’s co-worker Raymond is vile and he too has a boring suburban alter ego in the form of Tom.

Edward and Raymond hunt a German spy. Henry babbles to his shrink and rants. The point of the whole dual identity issue is still not explained. This was boring and Henry inadvertently gets his college buddy Rafe killed by Edward.

Best Line:
Your better half might fall down a very steep set of stairs.”

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Hello, Henry
Poor Slater, between this and ‘the forgotten’, TV isn’t working out so well for him. Henry hates Edward and broods over Rafe. A fake FBI agent shadows Henry and Tom’s wife Mary broods over his quicksilver moods and hires a PI to spy on him. Edward looks for schematic. There are moral messages and the ick factor grows as neither Edward nor Raymond care about their wives and kids, noting that they aren’t really ‘theirs’. Why are we supposed to care about these people? Henry’s shrink turns out to be on the dual identity thing too, who saw that coming? Everyone. This was boring.
 

Best Line:
“This is a hoochie dress.”

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That Is Not My Son
Dr Skinner (Saffron Burrows) is part of Janus’ Byzantine organization and communicates with Edward via pen light. Another dual identity agent shows up in the form of Paula whose fake ID is that of friendly office girl Ellen. Skinner and Edward get it on. Mary is told Tom is having an affair to explain his mood swings. Henry is appalled that his son Jack takes after Edward.

When Paula becomes aware of Edward’s broken chip, Dr Skinner has Paula erased so only the fake personality Ellen remains. It’s icky, why Janus just didn’t do this to Edward already isn’t explained. Edward takes precautions so that they now can’t do that to him. This was okay mostly due to the Ellen/Paula storyline sadly she was never seen or mentioned again after this episode.

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The Night Train To Moscow
Henry suspects Angie has a secret life and things she has been doing lately do seem suspicious. Meanwhile Edward obsesses over who killed his parents when he was a teenager. This was dull.

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High Crimes And Turducken
Janus continues to send the unreliable Edward on dangerous mission despite the fact he can turn into Henry at every inopportune moment. Edward plays a long game to find out who killed his parents. People run around with guns and scream a lot over something called the Falcon. This show is repetitive and Henry makes more self righteous rants. Tom and Mary bore, Angie’s dad shows up to be boring. I’m tired of this show. This was just uh.

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Down Rio Way
Henry provides an unnecessary voice over. Edward dodges Raymond who’d have to be legally blind not to have noticed him. Edward confronts Trumbull. There are flashbacks to 19 years ago in which Trumbull and Edward do not look 19 years younger, ‘CSI: Miami’ did flashbacks way better. Mary kills a man via drunk driving. Jack buys a car. Edward is played twice by different people. Some super spy he is. There is a cop out ending. This was uh.

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Love in all the Wrong Places
Edward is in the Congo and stumbles over long lost prisoners. Mavis (Alfre Woodard) broods. Angie wants a baby. Edward constantly manipulates exploits and goads all around him while Henry is a semi-competent buffoon. This was pompous and very tedious. There is zero nuance or complex to this show at all.

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Henry And The Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day
This show continues to build up distraction and dissatisfaction. Edward finds a way to fix himself. Someone bad recognises Tom as Raymond so Raymond kills him and Mary witnesses it. Tony the ill used tech guy is murdered. Now the split can’t be fixed. Thus on these cliffhangers does this show end. This was uh.

Any questions about Raymond’s dark past, what Mary will do now, Trumbull’s agenda, who killed Tony, why Edward’s parents were killed and by who and the answer to did Edward’s chip break or did someone break it will never be answered. Also the over riding question as to why Janus creates split personalities in its agents will never ever ever be addressed.
Scary Books

Quotes of the Day

‘Doctors’ Quote
“Why has my room been turned into a hippy squat?”

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‘Mathemagics’ Quote
“Now I’ll never find out if Maura married Kenneth and reformed from smuggling.”
Scary Books

Trailers

Bouquet of Barbed Wire’ (1976) Opening Credits
Nice creepy theme music.

‘Devil’ Trailer
Looks boring.

‘Faster’ Trailer
WTF?

‘The Nines’ Trailer
This looks freaky.
Scary Books

The Vampire Diaries Season 1 Ep 6 Review

Lost Girls

Flashbacks to 1864 begin to explain the Stefan/Damon back-story. Despite the fact that the war was going badly for the South at this point Stefan and Damon find time to play football and chase after the visiting Katherine. Nobody wonders why Katherine seems to live and travel alone in 1864. Katherine is a vampire and feeds on Stefan and mind controls him. Katherine and her corset is a far more interesting character than Miss Prissy Pants Elena.

Damon kills people, Divia in ‘Forever Knight’ was a scarier villain than Damon and she was only ever in two episodes. Damon turns Vicki into a vampire; she doesn’t mind that he killed all her druggie friends. Meanwhile the town anti-vampire league goes on a vampire hunt with the vampire compass and wooden bullets. Damon has killed so many people at this point that it’s obvious a vampire is loose. Miss Prissy Pants Elena dumps Stefan.

This was good but why wasn’t Stefan in the army in 1864, he does not look 17? Why did Stefan forget about finding the blood thirsty Damon just because Miss Prissy Pants Elena was having a tantrum?

Best Lines:
“There was a time when this town was very much aware of vampires. And it didn’t end well for anybody.”

“Your life is so pathetic.”
“Yeah.”