August 9th, 2010

Scary Books

V Season 1 Ep 9 Review

Heretic’s Fork

Ryan tells Val who he is. She has a non-reaction and no questions. The loathsome Tyler sulks and rants. A prisoner yells. Chad has his ‘treatment’ and in his gratitude agrees to help hunt the Fifth Column for Anna. Kyle pontificates and bores. A V solider is unleashed. Val orders Ryan away. Chad tries to befriend Father Jack. Lisa and Erica chat. This was dull it was all flat and unemoting bad acting. But what is Anna doing to the humans on the ships? What is their plan?
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Eastwick Ep 4 Review

Fleas and Casserole

No wonder this was axed. Why do people act stupidly just to advance the plot? Joanna’s ex-fiancée Morgan shows up, he left her at the altar but she selfishly jumps into bed with him. Only to learn Morgan doesn’t even like her and the idiot Will plot drags on some more.

Roxie obsesses over Jamie and learns that Bun is his mother. Raymond yells and the idiot plot of his and Kat’s marital breakdown drags on. Nothing ever changes with them. This was dull. The interesting stuff is being ignored: what is the symbol? Where has Rev Dunn gone? What are Jamie and Penny plotting?
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Movie Reviews: FAQ About Time Travel +Totally Awesome +Waitress

Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel (2009)

Not since ‘Salvage’, ‘Franklyn’ or ‘Severance’ has there been such a low budget non-event of a UK movie. Three blokes sit in their pub talking about various things. Then after an encounter with Cassie (Anna Faris), they become aware that something is going on in the bogs.

There’s a time rip in the bogs and the blokes fall through it. Cue a prolonged scene in a dark cupboard that prompts a Narnia joke. The pubs décor changes through the eons, Faris wears a selection of wigs and there is a giant ant. There are no horrors or revelations. This is clunking and laboured even as various iterations of the central characters run around. This is like an episode of ‘Spaced’ or a TV pilot for BBC 3. This may be dull but the retro soundtrack is nice.

Best Line:
I really thought that time travel would be a bit more thrilling than this.”

Totally Awesome (2006)

In this parody of 1980’s teen movies, a family move to a new town. Dancing is outlawed, a creepy janitor lurks and evil cool kids rule so there is lots of screeching, vile clothes and over acting.

Charlie becomes obsessed with a vapid airhead overlooking the greasy and poor Billie (Nicki Clyne) while Lori (Dominique Swain) just wants to dance. At a track meet there are stirring speeches, the dangerously psychotic bully Kip gets his, the vile Charlie gets a girl and Lori dances. This was mediocre but had some amusing moments.

Best Line:
“I know what you’re thinking. Ben what could possibly make Hollywood think a movie like ‘Soulman’ was a good idea? The answer: cocaine.”

Waitress (2007)

This was written and directed by the late Adrienne Shelly. Waitress Jenna is married to the abusive Earl (Jeremy Sisto) and now she’s pregnant. She takes consolation in her friends and her pie baking and her new doctor.

Jenna is a good person. She makes great pies, does make overs and waits on the local curmudgeon. So her affair with her Dr Pomatter (Nathan Fillion) comes out of nowhere. But can Jenna free herself from the pernicious and poisonous Earl? This was okay and much better than the narcissistic cleavage convention that is ‘Sex and the City’.

Best Lines:
“I’m calling it I Don’t Want Earl’s Baby Pie.”
“I don’t think we can write that on the menu board.”

“Why doesn’t your damn husband buy you a car already?”
“Cos he don’t want me going nowhere.”

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Trailer Stuff

Love the Way you lie’ music video by Eminen & Rhianna
This was good.

Burlesque’ trailer
What has Cher done to her face? What is wrong with Christina? She looks like a bag of sticks. This looks utterly awful, make it go away!
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The Deep (2010) Ep 1 Review

To The Furthest Place

Five minutes into the future, while exploring the Arctic Ocean the submarine Hermes and all her crew are lost. So six months later a new submarine the unsubtly named Orpheus is sent to find out what happened. Cue bad acting, awful opening credits and exposition dumps.

There are mysterious things in the water, a last broadcast from Hermes, the Orpheus is bigger on the inside than on the outside and Orpheus has a window. Captain Kelly (Minnie Driver) is bonking Samson (Goran Visnjic), the engineer Clem (James Nesbitt) is brooding over his wife who died on Hermes and a predatory evil must surely be lurking in the icy deep ready to eat them.

A creepy new guy lurks around like the vampire Lestat and there are man made structures on the ocean floor. Samson is in peril due to Clem being inept and there are weird flashes of light. An annoying useless character dies. While this was dull and shallow as a birdbath with no dialogue of coruscating effect it did invoke a sense of mystery. So I will keep watching even if comes across at times like a rip off of ‘Surface’, ‘Seaquest DSV’ and ‘Leviathan’.

Best Lines:
Giant psychotic squid with a hammer.”

“Trapdoors into hell.”

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The Vampire Diaries Season 1 Ep 1 Review


Kevin Williamson who gave us ‘Scream’, ‘Scream 2’, ‘Hidden Palms’ and ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ brings L.J. Smith’s vampire saga to life. In the town of Mystic Falls vampire Stefan shows up and the actor is channelling David Boreanaz circa 1999. Stefan is stalking Elena who broods, hangs out in graveyards, has a druggie brother and a tragic back-story.

Despite being too old Stefan enrols in high school to stalk Elena some more and he and she do annoying navel gazing voiceovers. Then Stefan’s brother Damon The Rubbish Evil Vampire shows up. This was dull and a real disappointment. Still one does wonder: who’s Katherine? Plus how long before the jerkass teacher Mr Tanner becomes vampire chow?
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Book Reviews: The Six Wives of Henry VIII +Zombie Blondes +White Crow

The Six Wives of Henry VIII by Alison Weir

The most memorable monarch in British history had six equally memorable wives. This is a good entertaining account of their lives. The stolid, stubborn and prideful Katherine of Aragon who refused to accept the failure of her marriage, who was supplanted by the ambitious, highly strung Anne Boleyn.

She sought and won the King but couldn’t keep him and was herself supplanted by the meek (or was she?) Jane Seymour who alone of all his wives gave the King a son. Then after Jane’s death came the pleasant, popular Anne of Cleeves who the King inexplicably disliked and quickly put aside.

The young and flighty Katherine Howard was utterly unsuited to her role and paid for that fact dearly. She was succeeded by the intellectual Katherine Parr who promoted the education of women.

Henry VIII had a marital revolving door that resulted in much domestical upheaval. This is a well written take on the politics, religion, gossip and biology all his wives lived and died by. It tells of thier role at court, their clothes, their jewels and the terrible isolation and threat they suffered. This stirring book is much better than Antonia Fraser’s somewhat inaccurate version.

Zombie Blondes by Brian James

Hannah moves to Maplecrest, a town that seems wrong. She wants to be popular but the in crowd bully her and her only friend Lukas keeps telling her that something is rotten in Maplecrest.

But when Hannah is offered the chance of popularity she so craves, she ignores Lukas’ warnings and grabs her chance. To be part of the in crowd means conformity and Maplecrest, a small isolated town, has perfected the art of conformity. You conform or you die. This is a very good and in places terrifying novel.
White Crow by Marcus Sedgwick
In the decaying town of Winterfold two troubled girls meet. Their uneasy friendship sets in motion a shocking chain of events. Events that are connected to unholy occurrences that took place in Winterfold in 1798. This is a good, dark gothic tale.

Sherlock 1x03 Review

The Great Game

The question remains: why does Watson and his hideous old man knitwear adhere to Holmes, who offers him little in the way of friendship? Holmes is bored and shoots up the flat but then is drawn into a game staged by his nemesis.

As the plot unfolds there are lots of call-backs to the Holmes stories as Holmes and Watson expose a series of hidden crimes. It’s a game that will lead to a confrontation with the infamous Moriarty. This was good but Moriarty seems more like a wee rat Ant & Dec than the Napoleon of Crime. Then TPTB end it on a cliffhanger. Bastards.

Instead of the Baker Street Irregulars, Holmes has a network of homeless informers. Nice also did Holmes for a moment of baffled horror think Watson was Morarity? Was Holmes playing (badly) the Granada Sherlock Holmes theme tune on his violin? Did nobody wonder why the man was standing in Piccadilly Circus for eight hours? When did Holmes and Watson get to sleep? Doesn’t Watson have a job? Didn’t anybody notice the problem with the alleged Dutch Old Master before now? How did the flat’s windows get fixed so quickly? Why aren’t the police looking for Moriarity? Watson got abducted, again?!?

Best Lines:
She was going places.”
“Not anymore.”

“You scratch their backs and...”
“And then disinfect myself.”

“Isn’t he sweet, I can see why you like having him around. But then people do get so sentimental about their pets.”

“You ripping my clothes off in a darkened swimming pool. People might talk.”