May 10th, 2010

Scary Books

Flashforward Ep 16 Review

The Garden of Forking Paths

Demetri is in a ‘SAW’ like death trap. Charlie is useless and Olivia is selfish, dismissive and has bailed on her marriage. Maybe Mark was drinking in the future because his wife is a ho. Zoey is played by Alda. Dyson Frost babbles incomprehensibly and is all but omnipotent until he isn’t. Wedek’s wife and her vision seems to have been forgotten. Gabriel (James Callis of ‘Battlestar Galactica’) shows up, Olivia’s rude and disinterested. Wow, I can really see why Lloyd and Mark are fighting over her and Dylan worships her and how apparently this whole show revolves around her. This wasn’t interesting or thrilling at all. It was really awful as a matter of fact.

Experiments at Raven River induced flash forwards but why? The QED are the rings? Why is nobody after Lloyd and Simon for their part in the deaths of 20 million people? How did Alda get from the courthouse to the desert? Did Dyson Frost see the world end in 2016?
Scary Books

Supernatural Season 5 Ep 15 Review

Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid

The dead have risen in Bobby’s home town but this zombie apocalypse is suspiciously uneventful. People act stupidly as their manky looking dead relatives show up. Bobby is happy to see his dead wife again and acts like a selfish moron. Everyone in this town are Too Dumb To Live. Bobby claims he is one of the reasons Sam keeps saying no to satan, Oh come on. Bobby needs to shut up and die. This was awful.
Scary Books

Quantum Leap (1989 – 1993) Season 5 Review, Part 2

Trilogy Part III

It’s 1978 and Sam’s leapt into lawyer Larry Stanton III to defend Abigail from a murder charge. Violet’s bones have been down the town well for 25 years and now her mother Leeta Aider is dead possibly at Abigail’s hands. Why Abigail stayed in the town after the lynch mob incident is never explained. Why Will ran off instead of marrying Abigail isn’t explained either.

There is some terrible acting on display. Abigail’s daughter Sammy-Jo holds the key to the mystery but why did it take her so long to speak up? It seems Sam is Sammy-Jo’s father, nice. I’m sure Donna is delighted. Clayton knew all along that Laura caused Violet to fall down the well? No wonder Leeta killed herself. Abigail makes Violet’s death all about her. This is so deathly dull; you’re lucky if you haven’t lapsed into a coma by the time the closing credits roll.

~
Promised Land

Sam leaps into an incompetent bank heist. Al wears a mustard jacket, an animal print tie and I’m not even getting started on the shirt. Sam’s selfish, nothing new there. This is boring with some terrible acting, tepid dialogue and irritating whining.

Best Lines:
“How do I keep getting into these situations?”
“Don’t look at me.”

“They’re robbing the bank to pay the bank?”

“I should have never quit the Dairy Queen.”

~
A Tale of Two Sweeties

Sam leaps into a bigamist in this excessively talky ep. He’s also conceited and talks down to Al. One of the bigamist’s kids can see Al so cue cute moppet sap. Al wears a loud shirt and a red hat.

The bigamist is a jerk with a gambling problem. His wives indulge in undignified cooing. Sam plays the ponies to avoid thuggish debt collectors. A third wife shows up. This was dull and utterly annoying and could make the hardiest soul cringe.

Best Lines:
“You hocked my Christmas presents last year.”

“He steals my children’s allowance and spends it on horse races. And then he sends them to school with lunch in a barf bag.”


~
Liberation

Sam leaps into a housewife so he can be patronising about the women’s movement while running around in drag. The housewife’s chauvinist husband can’t cope with not being able to control his women. This was boring and dull, still it was nice to see Deborah Van Valkenburgh of ‘Warriors’ pop up in a guest role even if the part was thankless.

~
Dr Ruth

Sam leaps into Dr Ruth. Who? Al wears jacket that has to be the worst thing he’s ever worn on this show. It’s made of orange sofa material with a check pattern and has leather sleeves. It also looks two sizes too large for him. Sam is contacted by the wet rag Annie (Robyn Lively) who is in trouble and she’s a whimpering, simpering mess. Sam whines. This is all farcical as Sam deals with an annoying couple and Annie displays no agency. Sam should be in the throes of a significant career re-evaluation. This is toxic, heinous and a cultural vortex.

~
Blood Moon

Sam tries to do dark and moody as he leaps into a vampire. Is this supposed to be transgressive? This is the middling equivalent of roadkill as Al does bug eyed and Sam deals with his bride (Shae D’Lyn of ‘Dharma & Greg’). Al goes on about Count Bathory, TPTB meant Countess Bathory. Why is Sam so combative with Al? Al wears a jacket that seems to be covered in snail trails. There is a lot of organ music.

Best Line:
“Your vampires are fake unless they’ve got a dental plan in hell.”
Scary Books

Trailers

‘Salvage’ trailer
This UK horror film looks good.

‘Fringe’ 2x22 promo
Walter and Olivia really are in serious denial about Walter aren’t they? Olivia says Peter’s been “taken” but Walter did the taking. He stole Peter from another universe and it looks like Peter’s gone home. Peter must have gone with his real daddy so fast that the breeze from the closing door between universes should have knocked Walter on his backside.

Peter isn’t Walter’s son and the memory of Walter’s dead son is a star he’s still orbiting. And the Fringe team in the other universe feature a redheaded Olivia and a bald Charlie but where has his scar gone? Walternate seems to have a grudge and whose side is Peter on? And why did it take so long for Walternate to collect his son?

Why Don’t You love Me’ Beyonce music video
Nice video, awful song.

Supernatural’ 5x22 promo
This looks a bit rubbish to be honest.
Traveler

Numb3rs Season 5 Ep 21 Review

Disturbed

A previously undetected serial killer is detected by Charlie as he battles guilt over Don’s stabbing. Nobody’s noticed this serial killer for twenty years but now Charlie and co are tracking down this stealth predator.

There are a lot of call backs to past eps. Larry and Amita need to go away. There is bit of a similarity to ‘Copycat’ and the killer is found by random chance and just admits all his sins. This was very good but why did the killer just confess at the end?

Best Lines:
“Welcome to the truth cave.”

“That’s gotta be the meds talking.”

Scary Books

Doctor Who: The Vampires of Venice review

The House of Calvierri is up to something in Venice of 1580. Amy’s fiancée Rory comes along for this trip. He’s a Danny Dyer wannabe who is way too good for Amy. Vampires seem to be on the loose in the city and there is something in the canal. This isn’t exactly the ‘Curse of Fenric’ is it? Rory’s not impressed with the Doctor and there is running and fighting and aliens and stuff blowing up. This was good.

Where were the Doge and the Council of Ten? How did Rory get into the Tardis? Is Amy special needs or something? What is the silence?

Best Lines:
“You owe Casanova a chicken?”

“And we never interrupt Mummy when she’s hydrating.”

“Makes you wonder what could be so bad it doesn’t actually mind us thinking it’s a vampire?”

Scary Books

Fringe Season 2 Ep 21 Review

Northwest Passage

A bimbo waitress is killed in Washington State and Peter’s so ego-centric, he makes it all about him. He must get it from his father(s). He gets odd phone calls, sees Newton and helps the local sheriff (Martha Plimpton of ‘The Goonies’) catch the killer. She also gives Peter a pen with the logo ‘find the crack’.

Meanwhile Walter freaks out in a supermarket and can’t cope now Peter is gone. He’s falling apart but thinks of a way to track Peter via his other side energy emissions. Newton turns out not to be involved in the killings (or is he?) and Peter may or may not be acting crazy. But either way Peter comes face to face with Newton and Walternate. Peter looks shocked and Walternate isn’t exactly overflowing with emotion. This was a bit dull.

What does Broyles know and can he be trusted? What does make Peter so special? Astrid seems to have taken the tale of Peter’s origins very calmly. She and Olivia are FBI agents and Walter is a child snatcher! Why haven’t Newton and Walternate come for Peter before now?

Best Lines:
“Technically I’m from no place you’ve ever heard of.”

“In the darkness there’s always a crack, it’s how the light gets in.”

“Delicious strawberry flavoured death!”

Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Carriers + U.S. Marshals

Carriers (2009)

In a post plague wasteland, four twentysomethings: Danny, Brian (Chris Pine of ‘Star Trek’), Bobby (Piper Perabo) and Kate (Emily VanCamp of ‘Everwood’) are looking for a sanctuary. They stumble across Frank (Chris Meloni of ‘Law & Order: Special Victims Unit’) and his sick daughter and team up due to need.

I don’t understand why this was left on the shelf for a couple of years, it is excellent. It’s bleak and depressing world and guns and Clorox are what is needed to survive. Brian talks about working at a stadium digging mass graves which helps to explain his attitude. The origin of the plague is never explained but it is highly lethal and truly disgusting. As a result society has broken down and not many people seem to be left.

This film has some disturbing imagery like the abandoned removal truck full of human remains. This is so unsettling and creepy but it gets worse as Bobby does something compassionate and pays a heavy price. The tension just goes on and on as to survive, you must have a streak of cold, selfish viciousness. By the end credits the group have drastically reduced in number and it’s clear that there might not be much point to surviving. This was excellent, shame it didn’t get a better release.

Best Lines:
“The sick are already dead.”

“I’ll read the map.”
“Can you? It has actual writing on it.”

“Where were they?”
“Their cruise ship was quarantined in Piraeus.”

“Why didn’t we let her sit tight in her McMansion waiting for the looters?”


~
U.S. Marshals (1998)

Sam Gerard (Tommy Lee Jones) is back and he’s chasing fugitives while wearing a chicken suit and waving a shotgun. Now Jones won the Oscar for stealing the show in ‘The Fugitive’ but this film is not good at all.

A plane crashes in a badly done messy scene and a prisoner escapes. Mark (Wesley Snipes of ‘Blade’) is running and John Royce (Robert Downey JR of ‘Iron Man’) joins Gerard’s team to help catch him.

Mark doesn’t engender much sympathy. He takes hostages, threatens and attacks people, endangers lives, shoots Gerard and never explains anything to anyone ever. We’re given no reason to care about or for him. Mark has an idiot girlfriend Marie (Irene Jacob) and Gerard gets a love interest in the form of his boss Walsh (Kate Nelligan).

There’s no reason to care about any of this. There is bad acting. Gerard has the same office and desk he did in ‘The Fugitive’ but he gets no good lines. There is general dumbness and it’s all so much boring infantilisation. Royce shoots Newman; yep he is the real baddie for never explained reasons. He just is bad and stares, twitches and makes a movie villain speech. Let’s pretend this sequel never happened.

Best Lines:
“You have a weapon?”
“Yeah, a big one. How about you?”