January 8th, 2010

Scary Books

Century Falls (1993) Review

Written by Russell T Davies who gave us ‘Doctor Who’, ‘Torchwood’ and ‘Dark Season’. This is another tale of creepy goings on and smart mouthed kids, sadly it is nowhere near as good as ‘Dark Season’.

Episode 1
Fat Tess and her mother move to Century Falls. She meets twins Ben and Carey who are the only other children in town. They’re also nasty, rude little snots. This is full of unpleasant people and bad acting. Ben and his bad skin are guilty of some terrible acting. Local biddies gossip at the corner shop. Something happened on the 17th July 1953, something that changed the town forever. Does it have anything to do with the Temple and the mysterious fire?

For some reason Tess hangs out with Ben and Carey while gurning old women stare in disapproval. Ben shows the two girls a vision with his psychic powers which cause Tess to belly flop into a pond. Although the storyline is fairly intriguing this was utterly mediocre.

Best Lines:
“This place, quiet as the grave.”
“Thanks mum, make me feel at home won’t you?”

“Did we like him?”
“We did not.”

“Outsiders, they never bring us good.”

“I can so I did.”

Episode 2
Carey and her split ends whines, Ben is vile. Their Uncle Richard’s maid Julia hangs around as does his creepy butler the cute Ashe (Alex Mollo). Old biddies hold pagan rituals. So no child has been born in Century Falls since 1953 and Uncle Richard and Ashe have something in the basement. This ep was a master class in bad acting. This was blah.

Episode 3
The ominous villagers mutter, ominously. Carey is snotty. Ben shows off his horrible personality some more, he needs a good slap. Tess talks to the old biddies. Tess’ mother shrieks. These people are idiots and the villain is revealed. This was abominably bad.

Best Line: “If I’d known then what the next 40 years would bring, I’d have run back and died with the rest.”

Episode 4
What is the dark and devastating secret of the ruined Temple, the terrible fire, the psychic mind and the waterfalls? Julia manipulates events some more. Tess learns about Century, who was brought into being by the will of the townsfolk. She was their subconscious and their destroyer. Tess learns how she and her mother are connected to Century Falls. Tess’ mother is incredibly dumb. Ben’s incredibly stupid. There is more terrible acting. This was awful.

Best Line: “Go away Tess, this is villagers’ talk.”

Episode 5
Carey, Tess and co rescue Ben. Why? Tess’ mother is thick, people whine and the villagers realise Julia is them. The characters are a pack of morons, fools and dumbbells. Julia wants Century to be reborn. This was awful.

Episode 6
Julia gets Ben to recreate the Temple. People yell. Despite their super special powers these people are big, dumb, slow and dim. I don’t care about their emotional journey, trauma and strange family dynamics. There is a treble ass pull of an ending as the townsfolk turn into a mob and climb very, very carefully over the rocks around the waterfall and there is a sudden happily ever after. This was dull.

Best Lines:
The fire claimed him, 40 years too late."

“A hollow woman with no soul of her own inside.”

Scary Books

Movie Review: Carry on Screaming (1966)

This was a very funny spoof of the Hammer horror genre. Women are disappearing in the woods so police officers Bung and Slowbottom investigate. They are unaware that the women are being carried off by the rampaging monster Oddbod on the orders of a creepy bother and sister who live in a mysterious house.

Soon Bung, Slowbottom and Mr Potter (whose girlfriend has vanished) find their way to the house and have close encounters with the undead Orlando, his vampish sister Valeria and their butler Socket. Somehow, they’re not automatically suspicious of the siblings despite the fact they wear so much make up they look like varnished clowns.

It seems the siblings are having their pet monsters abduct women so they can turn them into shop dummies and sell them to clothes stores. Anyway Valeria tries it on with Bung, Dan Dan the lavatory attendant comes to a bad end, there is potion drinking, killer snakes and a big showdown where people run around the old dark house fighting painfully obvious dummies.

Anyway Valeria gives up evildoing to shack up with Bung while his shrew wife who has been turned into a shop dummy is kept in the front room. So crazy she-bat Valeria is a kidnapper, murderer, poisoner and a liar yet Bung shacks up with her while gloating over his frozen wife. The final scene does leave a bad taste in the mouth but the rest of the film is very funny.

Best Lines:
“What about the disposal of the bodies? The dustmen don’t come til Friday!”

“We’ve done nothing wrong. Have we?”

“Why can’t everyone be thoroughly horrid like us?”

“This ear?”
“That there.”

Scary Books

Trailers 2010!

Being Human’ Series 2 trailer
The flatmates are being hunted. But by who? This looks good and creepy.

‘The Tooth Fairy’ trailer
Dwayne Johnson plays a mean ice hockey player who ends up becoming a tooth fairy. He wears a silly outfit and wings. Oh the cheese factor of this. “You can’t handle the tooth” indeed.

A Nightmare on Elm Street’ trailer
This looks good and it has creepy little girls chanting: “Never sleep again.”

The Crazies’ trailer
Another remake. The residents of a small town change and go crazy, it looks good.

‘Afterschool’ trailer
This looks creepy.

‘Dare’ trailer
Boring kids hook up. Looks boring.

Shutter Island’ trailer
A loony bin, an escaped prisoner, they’re cut off and DiCaprio walks like a duck. This looks good.

Various Ramblings

The BBC is making three 90 minute shows called ‘Sherlock’ set in modern day London, those I might watch. I enjoyed their updated version of ‘Jekyll & Hyde’.

As well as that, the BBC is making a sci-fi drama called ‘The Deep’. Something to look forward to on the BBC that doesn’t involve Andrew Lloyd Webber, ‘Eastenders’ or David Tennant.

Creepy Poem of the Week:
Rawhead and Bloody Bones
Steals naughty children from their homes
Takes them to his dirty den
And they are never seen again

Scary Books

Flashforward (2009-2010) 1x01&1x02 Reviewed

No More Good Days

FBI Agent Mark Benford (Joseph Fiennes of ‘Shakespeare in Love’) is about to have one of those days. In fact everyone on the planet is about to have one of those days. When Mark and his partner Demetri (John Cho of ‘Star Trek’) are chasing suspects along a freeway, everyone in the world blacks out.

Mark and Demetri wake up to find the Freeway and the whole city of LA in chaos, Mark’s wife is a surgeon who blacked out during an operation, their babysitter Nicole blacked out while fooling around with her boyfriend and Olivia’s brooding colleague Bryce blacked out just as he was about to kill himself.

As they investigate why they blacked out, they all realise they had visions of the future. The 29th April 2010 to be exact. Except Demetri didn’t have a vision which he takes to mean he’ll be dead. Mark was in a bad way in his future, drinking again and paranoid.

Life resumes normality a bit too quickly. Mark and Demetri are assigned to investigation the blackout mostly because they were investigating the blackout in Mark’s vision. But doesn’t knowing your own future mean it can be changed? At least according to the film ‘Minority Report’? So Olivia’s dreams of shacking up with Lloyd Simcoe (Jack Davenport of ‘Ultraviolet’ and ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’) instead of her husband might not come true, especially since Lloyd Simcoe is a massive prat. And what of Mark’s AA sponsor Aaron having a vision that his dead daughter Tracy is alive?

Mark starts to worry that the future is fixed when his daughter Charlie gives him the friendship bracelet he saw in his vision. Meanwhile Demetri and colleague Janis see footage that suggests someone was awake during the global blackout and didn’t seem surprised by what was happening.

This was okay and intriguing enough so that one can overlook the fact that Brannon Braga is involved with this. It was a bit talky and had too much scene setting but the sight of a blood caked Mark seeing a Kangaroo hoping around a devastated street is the sort of hook to make you keep watching.

Who is the mystery blonde? Since when does New Scotland Yard have offices with a view of the London eye? I like the song ‘Islands in the Stream’. How did Demetri get so far from the car? How does this show plan to continue into a second season? I’ve read the book this show was based on and didn’t the visions in that book come from decades in the future not just a few months? Who was Suspect Zero and why was he/she awake? Was casting Joseph Fiennes former sister in law Alex Kingston in a guest role meant as a sneaky in joke?

Best Lines:
Memories of events that haven’t occurred yet.”

“I think God did this.”
“To punish us.”

White to Play

Creepy kids play the Blackout game. Charlie throws tantrums and demonstrates some horrible child acting. The FBI sets up a website called The Mosaic Collective so people can post information on their visions.

Charlie’s school principle (Lisa Darr of ‘Profit’ and ‘Popular’) wonders if everything is all right at home. Charlie whines. Lloyd is smug and doesn’t seem to recognise Olivia though his autistic son Dylan does know her. Charlie also knows Dylan. The Mark/Olivia break up may be a self fulfilling prophecy as Mark acts like a hypocrite.

Meanwhile in hilarious fashion Mark’s boss reveals what his vision was of and that after the vision he found a colleague drowning in a urinal and well he did what a man has to do: “Gave the poor bastard mouth to mouth.” That was hilarious.

Mark and Demetri trace a man running a credit card scam, all they know about him is the fake name ‘D Gibbons’. This leads them to Pigeon, Utah and a creepy doll factory. Demetri gets a phone call informing him that he’ll be murdered on March 13th. Then even more creepy stuff happens. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“I saw a pony!”

“We’re all prophets now.”

“D Gibbons was talking to Suspect Zero.”

“D Gibbons is a bad man.”