October 30th, 2009

Scary Books

Tape Tales with Due South

Watched an old tape with two season 1 ‘Due South’ eps on it. What year was it from, 1994 or 1995? I don’t know.

Anyway the first ep was ‘Manhunt’. This was written by Paul Haggis. Legendary Mountie (Leslie Nielsen) is running from a geriatric loon. For about half the running time, Nielsen plays the role deadly serious and straight. Which is bizarre to witness. This was probably the idea. Shame in his subsequent appearances they made his character a joke. Vecchio shows off his hideous dress sense. I never forgave this show for dismissing the Vecchio/Fraser friendship in season 3. Fraser gets stabbed and walks it off. A hospital has terrible security. This dull ep was a bit too violent for the shows usual feather light tone.

Best Lines:
“I'll get the shovel, you handle the interrogation.”

“I’m in a canoe with two wounded Mounties and I’m being humiliated by rats.”


~
The second ep was ‘They Eat Horses Don’t They’. I cannot get over the horrible, horrible clothes. Fraser learns a supermarket is selling bad illegal horsemeat. He ropes in Vecchio to save the day. Vecchio is written as such an affable idiot; I’m not surprised the actor complained. The victims of the week annoy. The highlight of this ep was Vecchio and Fraser sharing a bathroom and Vecchio yelling for more soap. That was hilarious. Fraser talking to Vecchio’s eccentric family was always nice to see. This was uninvolving.

Best Lines:
“Ruling out cannibalism, we have two options.”

“I’m going to die inside My Friend Flicka.”
Scary Books

Movie Review: Mindhunters

Mindhunters (2004)

Harris (Val Kilmer) a supercilious twit sends a group of wannabe profilers to a remote island for training. There it becomes apparent that there is a killer among them. JD (Christian Slater of ‘Heathers’) takes a shower and then dies via liquid nitrogen. Lucas (Jonny Lee Miller) has a dodgy US accent. Sara (Kathryn Morris of ‘Minority Report’ and ‘Cold Case’) is accused. Gabe (LL Cool J) takes his shirt off and Nicole (Patricia Velasquez of ‘The Mummy Returns’) dies in the most stupid manner possible.

Are we supposed to believe these are wannabe elite profilers? They’re losers, jerks and idiots. This film is a badly acted rip-off of ‘Saw’. The killer even makes a movie villain speech to rival Jigsaw’s. The underwater climax does look nice but there’s not an original idea in this.

Best Lines:
“No one leave this room.”
“Since when is this room safe?”
“Since we’re all in it.”

“You’ve been lying to us since we got here.”
“That doesn’t make me the killer.”
“The dead people does.”
Scary Books

Sons of Anarchy Season 1 Ep 4 Review

Patch Over

Jax runs into trouble on the highway. Tara’s stalker stalks her. Jax picks up Suzy and gives her a hard introduction to biker life. Clay decides that the SOA will patch over another club. Some of the other club members take it badly. Then a rival gang show up and the SOA and their new patch over club have a full scale gun battle witnessed by Tara’s stalker. Clay is mean and settles a score with the put upon prospective member. A desperate biker groupie shows the status of women in the biker life. This was okay.

Best Line: “You fed crystal to a killer dog…are you retarded?”
Scary Books

True Blood Season 1 Eps 4 – 12 Reviewed

Escape From Dragon House

Dawn’s dead. Jason is arrested, again. Tara loves Jason because of something that happened when they were kids. Bill and Sookie go to the vampire bar Fangtasia where ‘Don’t Fear The Reaper' plays. Sookie’s sarcastic pronunciation of Fangtasia is the highlight of the ep. Jason chugs V and lives to regret it as he ends up in a painful scrape. Sookie is a snot. Eric (Alexander Skarsgard of Lady Gaga’s ‘Paparazzi’ music video) shows up to glower. This was dull. The vampires are over fetishised and there are clumsy attempts to make Sam look like the killer.

Best Lines:
“I’m too damn pretty to go to prison.”

“Sure is too bad about Dawn. I already miss the way her butt used to hang out of the bottom of her shorts.”


~
Sparks Fly Out

Sookie freaks out at Bill. I can’t help feeling that Stephen Moyer’s vampire role in ‘Ultraviolet’ was better done. Jason being a moron, takes V again. There are sea sponges more eloquent and smart than Jason. Sam asks Sookie out. Tara blocks her thoughts from Sookie. Bill gives a speech on his civil war memories. I want to see ‘Daybreakers’. This show has no charm or charisma. This show needs a Jason Dohring. There are flashbacks to the civil war that show how Bill became a vampire. Jason tries really hard to be big, hard and manly and ruins any chance he ever had with Tara. Sookie tries to get to know Sam. Lafayette takes on some rednecks. Sam freaks out at Sookie. So she stomps home to a terrible sight. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“You will go to hell for this.”
“All right, same to you. Bye now.”


~
Cold Ground

Sam and Bill have a staredown. Jason is a turd. Sookie struggles through the wake and burial. There is a mention of Hadley. Jason beats on Sookie and Andy. Bill runs around in cheesy vampire speech SFX. Uncle Bartlett shows up and Sookie freaks out at the funeral. Tara’s mother thinks she is possessed. This show is like ‘American Gothic’ on crank. Sookie cries, nibbles at a pie and runs around in her nightie in the dark with a serial killer on the loose. Sookie is all Cathy for her Heathcliff and gets it on with Bill. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Thought you were staying with Lafayette.”
“I was. Do you know he has a webcam in his bathroom?”


~
Burning House of Love

Sookie tells Bill that Uncle Bartlett molested her. And she had to know what he would do. She knows he killed the trailer trash couple. Bill gets ominous as he and Sookie share a bath and then he shows her his resting place. Then he kills the molester uncle. Tara’s mother goes berserk in a bank. Bill and Sookie’s tryst becomes public knowledge. Jason goes to Fangtasia where he meets fellow V junkie Amy. Miss Jeanette exorcises Tara’s mother via possum death. Bill’s trashy vampire buddies show up. Sookie is a snot. Human vigilantes strike. This was okay, I liked the fact a cop had a phone with a ‘Hawaii 5-0' ringtone.

Best Lines:
“Suppose she gets pregnant. How in the world can she nurse a baby with fangs?”

“Go on in and good luck getting out.”

“I’m sure you were trash while you were alive and now you’re just dead trash.”


~
The Fourth Man In The Fire

Tara’s mother is acting normally and throwing out all her devil juice. Sookie yells at people. Bill crawls out of the graveyard all naked and dirt covered and has sex with Sookie there and then. Gross and unhygienic. I’m finding it hard to like these people, they are all jerks. Eric takes a bath in Bill’s tub. Neither of them do anything for me. Amy and Jason kidnap one of Lafayette’s clients to drain for V. Amy is a drainer and now Jason is too. Sam is being investigated. Sookie is in peril yet again. This was okay.

Best Lines:
She got a demon in her.”
“My granddaughter had a demon in her. They everywhere.”


~
Plaisir d’Amour

Bill stakes Longshadow and it goes all ‘Carrie’ as blood flies. Eric shows a personality for the first time. Tara considers getting an exorcism and ruins things with Sam. Amy (Lizzy Caplan of ‘Cloverfield’ and ‘Mean Girls’) gets more psycho, Jason is in denial. Then they trip on V. Bill has a Wii. Sookie complains. Jason bonds with Eddie. Sookie sees a lot more to Sam. This was dull.

Am I meant to be swooning over Bill and his existential angst and his Rhett Butler accent? Frank Langella of 1979’s ‘Dracula’ was more overtly sexual than Bill. As for Sookie, her sartorial style is somewhere between trailer trash and hooker. Why does this show have so many heaving bosoms? Plus I just don’t like Sookie.

Best Lines:
“Any woman with a purse that big’s bound to have something in it I don’t wanna know about.”

“There’s vampire in your cleavage.”

“I once found that woman on the ground eating her own vomit; because she didn’t want to waste the alcohol she lost bringing it all up.”

~
I Don’t Wanna Know

Sookie needs to shut up and stop being hateful. Sam is a shapeshifter with bad childhood memories. Tara is exorcised and then it is revealed that Miss Jeanette is a fraud. Tara freaks out and ruins everything she touches. Amy stakes Eddie. Werewolves are mentioned. The killer becomes obvious. Sookie is in peril again. Bill faces off with the vampire Magister (Zeljko Ivanek of ‘Damages’ and ‘Heroes’) who is a wannbe hardcase. Bill comes off the worse and has to turn a girl named Jessica into a vampire. This was dull.

Best Lines:
“Werewolves exist too? What else is there?”
“More than you can imagine.”

“Faith’s a powerful thing.”

“I am the Magister. I was trained in the Inquisition.”


~
To Love is to Bury

Bill and Jessica have to be buried for the transformation to work? It wasn’t like that with Bill. Then a few scenes later Bill is out of the grave with no soil on him at all. All the men folk want Sookie despite the fact she is dislikeable and self righteous. Jason and Amy have it out. Then they do V and then Amy is murdered. Jason is arrested yet again and he thinks he did it.

Tara acts out and gets disowned. Tara meets Maryann (Michelle Forbes of ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’ and ‘Prison Break’) Lafayette wears a suit. Jessica reanimates and she’s glad to be a vampire. She’s also dumb so Bill dumps her on Eric. Bill attacks Sam. This was dull.

Best Lines:
This is the worst confession I ever heard in my life.”

“I can’t listen to politicians no more, I get a seizure.”

“I shared my essence with you when we slept together in the ground.”
“Ew.”

“No more belts. No more clarinets. No more home school. No more rules. Yee haa! I’m a vampire! Whoooooooooooo!”

“Stop fighting you stupid men!”

“People said ‘no not Jason Stackhouse, he’s too dumb’ but I knew. I said ‘that shifty bastard’s a goddam psychopath’.”

~
You’ll Be The Death Of Me

Maryann offers Tara help, it is clear that behind Maryann’s benevolence is malevolence. The Fellowship of the Sun church reaches out to Jason and he embraces it. The crazy killer is revealed. Bill goes into the sunlight to help Sookie but is useless. Sookie hides from the serial killer in an open grave. Sookie kills the killer with a shovel. In the aftermath Maryann knows what Sam is, one character’s fate is unclear and Bill and Sookie hook up. Two new romances are foreshadowed. Eric dumps Jessica back on Bill. Andy, Sookie and Tara find another body and scream like they’re in ‘Scream’.

This was very good. I didn’t really enjoy season 1 but this ep made me decide to give season 2 a chance.

Best Lines:
Nobody ever listens to me. But they should.”

“Don’t think about it. Blood, blood, blood.”

“One time Lafayette went to Marthasville for the night. He ended up go-go dancing in Palm Beach for like eight months.”
Scary Books

Stargate Universe Ep 5 Review

Light

Destiny is on a collision course with a star. There is one working shuttle and 17 places. Young decides who will get the places. Chloe and Scott hook up. Eli sulks. Did they use protection? There is nice lighting and music in this ep. Still I can’t help but wonder, why isn’t Young’s hair full of clotted dried blood from his head injury? Speaking of hair, TJ seems to have endless styling gel. Rush refuses to leave Destiny. Young and Greer reminisce about how Greer was in the brig for punching Telford. Young doesn’t like Telford. In fact nobody likes Telford.

Destiny flies into the star and it turns out that this is how the ship recharges. It flies through stars. Awesome. The shuttle is retrieved and all is well. At least until Young suspects that Rush knew what the ship was going to do all along. This was very good. I like Young and his brooding. Thankfully Rush was toned way down in this ep and the stupid communication stones weren’t used.

Best Lines:
"While I don't condone behavior of that kind in any way, shape, or form, I gotta say, the look on Telford's face when you put him down was priceless: complete and total shock."
"He was surprised. Yes, sir."