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Movie Reviews: Razor + Beneath + The House With A Clock In Its Walls 👎👎👎

Battlestar Galactica: Razor (2007)

The story of the Battlestar Pegasus and Kendra Shaw. No sooner than had Shaw arrived on the Pegasus than the Cylons attacked. The Pegasus escaped the destruction of the fleet shipyards. The Pegasus lost a 1/4 of their crew and vipers. Cain played with a knife on the bridge. Cain and her XO were friendly until she killed him in the CIC. Everyone mumbles.

Cain told her crew of the destruction of their homeworlds. Kara is a whiny dumb bitch. Sharon babbles about a hybrid. Adama remembers his younger days: when the Cylons signed the armstice they were already planning the second Cylon war. The human looking cylons were created from experiments on POWS. Eeew.

During the bleakest times Cain had self-belief and cold fury at the implication of callousness. Shaw correctly points out Lee is only commanding the Pegasus through nepotism. Lord I hate Lee and Kara. They do nothing but whine, when Adama was their age he had a gun fight with a cylon whilst in free fall and then killed it with a pipe. Michelle Forbes and Stephanie Jacobsen and Steve Bacic star.

This was hilariously hyperbolic. Cain robbed a civilian fleet after the attack and left them to die. Are we supposed to feel sorry for the Pegasus 6? Kara tries to bully Shaw like she did Kat. Shaw dies. This was pretty ghastly.

Best Lines:

“They've broken the armstice.”

“We might end up inside a sun.”

“Not quite as useless as I thought.”

“Your daddy just gave you a battlestar.”

Jurgen Belzen - Battlestar Wiki

Beneath (2013)

This 'horror' has a consistency of ineptitude. There are 6 'friends', a lake, a leaky rowboat and a huge killer fish. We see a 'Hoax or Hex on Black Lake?' headline. This tries for a chilly tone but the friends annoy and chatter annoyingly. This was calamitous.

Teens have cool indifference to safety and are self involved. The fish has selective predation: stupid teenagers. I thought this would be good; one is horribly disabused of this notion. There is seething frustration and resentment and this was not much adored. They're churls and won't beware of the thing that is coming.

The fish is a disruption to a reasonably normal ordinary existence. Bad music blares. There is no phone service at the lake. The badness of this is completely obvious. There is conjecture and a bitchy blonde girl. This was nonsence. The teens planned the lake trip as their final get-together after graduation. It is their last.

A creepy old guy lurks. This is a crazy story. The teens have no humility and this does not fascinate. There is casual chat and the teens are aggressive haranguing jerks. The fish attacks and it's an obvious rubber monster. This was extraordinarily wrong. A girl bleeds and this was just awful. This has absolute conviction and commitment to being bad. What's the fish's motivation? This was not really interesting. The acting is really bad. This was tirelessly annoying.

Some unpopular kid looks like the green ranger from 'Mighty Morphin Power Rangers'. Teens revel in their awfulness and do deeply damaging stupid things. A nerd is awful. They are tense argumentative fools. This was not intense. The evil nerd is tossed over the side as he films his own demise. The green ranger lookalike is tossed over and makes it to shore but dies anyway.

The teens are blunt and callous types and there is a bloody axe. This was excruciating. This does not feel desperate. This film has a complete inability to be decent. They're 'distraught' but look more like they are constipated. This has no credibility. The teens are impulsive fools and this was depressing and purient.

There are no tensions and this was not serious. This was not esoteric or meaty. Serious and damaging events take place. This was saccharine, samey, schmaltzy, bewilderingly predictable and undemanding. This markedly deteriorates from 2 minutes in. The teens are unbelievably horrible people. The hitherto mysterious fish isn't ominious. There is an appreciable loss of quality. The blonde bitch is pretentious. This is a terrible experience. This was an awful event and there is no narrative consistency.

This was full of false beats and it is infuriating and full of ambivalence. There is a lack of self awareness. The characters sense of themselves is sharply at odds with the way the rest of the world sees them. The teens lack the embarrassement gene. They're obnoxious and oblivious to it. This was parochical and beyond satire.

This was jittery and the teens scream like tweakers. This film has many negative factors. There is a bored sameness to the misery. There is no mild dread and this was just wretchedness. There is no visceral anguish. The teens do outpourings of rage and deep rooted dysfunction. The blonde slut is a slut. One is bemused at the sexism and the slut hangs on to the boat while the camera aims up her ass for reasons. This was idiotic. Nobody is assertive. This has no lasting impact. This was not southern gothic soap.

This tries for pain, love and loss. There is mockery and attentions turn out to be not so nice. There is warped grief and blazing fury. This was not sad. Teens scream personal slights and this was not completely reasonable. There is an alarming catalogue of unpleasant encounters in this.

This commits whole heartedly to being bad. This was not passionate or determined. There is nothing unsettling about this. Nobody really seems to regret the many deaths in this film. This does not explore issues and this was not significant. Life is simply accepted. This was not an intellectual drama. Rural poverty is not addressed. This was not a triumph and there was ominious complaining. This was not a clever psychological study. The slut dies and there is lowering behaviour. Some burk who can't act ends up shirtless and screaming. This has no resonance. The plight does not leave them deeply hurt or shaken.

This was not a luminous success. There is no critical recognition. There is speculation. The old man is enigmatic and suspect and he utters cryptic words. This was not atmospheric just stupid which is what precipates the fatal action. The meaning of this was opaque.

Best Lines:

“This is tragic.”

“High school's over.”

“Kids like these.”

“It wants blood.”

“We have a hole.”

“Giant flesh eating fish.”

“Leave the talking to us men.”

“Kill me over some slut?”

“Try your luck again.”

“I don't think the lake is finished with you yet.”

“Been a terrible accident.”

“Oh is that what happened?”

“So many things better left in the lake.”


The House With A Clock In Its Walls (2018)

Catle Blanchett and Jack Black star in this Eli Roth film. This was the most stupidest and boringly inept kids film.

Best Lines:

“Do the responsible thing: lie to the kid.”

“May be dead but he is still dangerous.”

“Still horrible.”

Tags: battlestar galactica/caprica, movie review

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