epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,
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Movie Reviews: Exorcist: The Beginning +The Black Hole +Climax +Kindred Spirits + Woman Of The House

Exorcist: The Beginning (2004)

There are 2 versions of this film. This is the reshot/remade Renny Harlin redo. Stellan Skarsgard and Izabella Scorupco, James D'Arcy and Ben Cross star in this dreadful film. Merrin (Skarsgard) is hired to steal something. There is talk of a Byzantine massacre. It is 1949. A Byzantine church is found in Kenya. It was built in 500AD, long before Christianity reached that area. Pazuzu lurks. There is a Justinian mention. Hyenas lurk. There is bad, bad acting and no narrative impact. There is racism.


Best Lines:

“Rare object inside.”


“Best view of god is from hell.”


“God is not here today.”


“This is the spot where Lucifer fell.”


“All mention of it was to be stricken from the history texts forever.”


~
The Black Hole (2006)

Kristy Swanson and Judd Nelson and David Selby have been reduced to this incompetent, disastrous, flat, ineffectual amaturism. There is bad acting in this bad film which is full of panto overreaction.


~
Climax (2018)

There is personal delusion in this French dance horror. This was not mordant and this was not chillingly nasty. No.


~
Kindred Spirits (2019)

There are implications and a bony slut and her shirtless boyfriend. The bony slut has a slutty mother. This was ludicrously irrelevant. This was incredibly stupid and there are logical incongruities. This was appalling atrociousness and it was astonishingly awful. The slut daughter has an appetite for conflict and she's always irrationally furious.


This was giddily plotless and the daughter provokes confrontation. A crazy aunt visits and intimidates and inflicts harm. The 'cool' aunt won't leave. The slut daughter dresses like a dead tramp. There are grim times and a grim era and little credibility. There are pathetic blatherings.


The slut mother lives in a mcmansion which is her family home. This was not a terrifying experience. This was horrendous and the daughter is a brat who can't act. There is murder via dollhouse. The family bears an unequal share of the world's problems. This was not nuanced. This was drab, absurd and utterly disappointing.


Best Lines:

“You are my workout routine.”


“I really will hurt you.”


“You can't wait till after dinner to remind me I was a mistake?”


~
Woman Of The House (2017)

A sorority sister goes back to her sorority because adulting is hard. She has snotty teenagers and rape faced men. Glory falls away, one feels baffled sorrow for this dumbness.

Tags: movie review, the exorcist
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