epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,
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Movie Reviews: Vampires vs The Bronx + The Dead Don't Die

Vampires Vs. The Bronx (2020)

A tale of class war and vampires in the Bronx, which faces having the life sucked from it. NY looks nice at night. Sinister smirking types move in. They are vampires. Method Man and Zoe Saldana are the name stars. There is talk of a block party and missing people. A cat lurks in a deli and then it doesn't. What happened to the cat? Men play cards on the street.


The Bronx is a less loved area. The Murnau company moves in and there are no changes for the positive in the area just ideologically cruel vampires eating people. Tensions are fuelled, 'Salem's Lot' is read and baddies act purposefully. A priest keeps order as vampires cast a dark shadow. There is gentrification and an attempt to save a bodega from menacing parasitic forces.


Vampires are bad people and determined adversaries and a regrettable development in the area. Vampires and gangbangers have a malicious streak. Kid heroes have injured innocence. This was earnest camp and a new arrival is enthusiastically insincere. Changes to the area bring the locals little they could describe as joy.


A courthouse is being turned into 'apartments' aka a vampire nest. Frank Polidori is a real estate agent and the vampire's bitch, he is played by Shea Whigman from 'Waco'. Vampires have no reflection, the boys mothers yell out windows and emasculate them and the friendly bodega owner Tony is doomed. Polidori is the Renfield. There is nut milk. The kids watch 'Blade' to learn tips. Where is the cat?


The kids can't spell. The vampires plot and a key is important. A butter store is to open soon. Maple scones are a thing? The nice lady, Vivian, is a vampire and suddenly acquires much longer hair and an evil black outfit after the reveal. Tony dies. The kids store holy water in Sprite bottles and why is there church at night? The vampires want a home. There is a lock and load montage and comedy. Vivian is 700 years old but she's defeated by tweens. This was good. But where is the cat?!?


Best Lines:

“Priced out of my old neighbourhood.”


“Cuticle pusher.”


“I don't need a man to know my worth.”


“Get you on your way to the suburbs.”


“This ain't sweat, this is glow.”


“Save the neighbourhood, all by himself.”


“Important for the community.”


“Don't get home late.”


“Some random lady.”


“Hell paid.”


“How people get shot in the hood.”


“So dramatic.”


“Keeping good company I see.”


“Puerto Rican Harry Potter!”


“What's up with that red light.”


“Them white people with canvas bags.”


“Hell that is Tampa.”


“Get you later!”


“Stop right there Mozart!”


“Dude acting crazy.”


“We got vampires in the Bronx.”


“I knew you was lying.”


“Don't get got.”


“Everything, everything.”


“Nasty underwear.”


“Mad vague.”


“A flying vampire killed him.”


“Little round cookies.”


“You're about to say something stupid.”


“Forgotten area.”


“Road to hell.”


“Keep you away from that life.”


“Nudie search.”


“Hella fancy.”


“Big ass boxes.”


“They wanna go to juvie.”


“Such fine boys aren't they.”


“Set you right!”


“Sucking on peoples necks.”


“Another type of kale.”


“Vampires and thugs trying to kill me.”


“I promise to make your deaths quick.”


“Lets go kill some suckheads.”


“The maker of all of us.”


“Who this bitch?”


~
The Dead Don't Die (2019)

Adam Driver v zombies. Eventually. Polar fracking ends the world. Tilda Swinton is Scottish and Driver's character is a 'Star Wars' fan. This was okay and droll.


Best Line:

“Hobbit kid.”

Tags: movie review, waco(tv)
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