epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,
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Movie Reviews: Shed Of The Dead + I See You + Jusqu'a la garde 👎👎👎

Shed Of The Dead (2019)

Brain Blessed, Kane Hodder and Michael Berryman cameo in this mordantly unfunny sexist 'Shaun Of The Dead' knockoff. A man's life is a self-made calamity. He and his nerd friend play with game figurines in a shed in an allotment. They have triumphant confidence in their own manchild existence. They are dignity free and the 'hero' looks like Will from 'Hollyoaks' and I hate him with a passion bordering on homicidal.


The 'hero' is slightly creepy and a probable incel. This was not routinely brilliant. Tension doesn't ratchet up. This was not haunting, visceral or potent. This was not taut, disturbing or blistering. This was not transfixing. The 'hero' and his mate are vile sexists. The 'hero' kills someone. This was not necessary and nothing good will every happen again.


The 'hero' doesn't regret his decisions, his retribution or anger. C.H.U.D.S come out. This was a soley negative thing. There is absolute devastation. The 'hero' is near demented and harassment happy. Things do not take an existential turn. This was truly catastrophic.


The zombie rising isn't particularly distressing to the 'hero'. He's resentful and this just escalates his harassement of others and he has histrionics. There is no peril. His inadequacy causes howls of fury. No terror is inflicted and there is no unparalled immediacy. The 'hero' is a liar and a thief. He's an instigator of disaffection. He abandons his womenfolk. He's safely encapsulated within his assigned place and rejects the norms and conventions of society. He has exhilarating vehemence.


He's not righteously indignant. This was a calamity. The 'hero' has a wife?!? He treats his wife terribly. One doesn't know she is his wife until 3/4 of the way through the film! It is baffling that this film's rampant misogyny went unchecked. One feels incomprehension at how bad this is.


This was not exemplary. There are moral implications. The 'hero' and his mate are abandoned souls. Horrors do not ensue. The 'hero' has indifference to plights and moral squalor. This was not a ferocious indictment and there is no bitter reality. There is no contemporary brutalities. He's a merciless violation. Lives are destroyed. There is no emotional connection.


There are epic lies and this was monochrome. The 'hero' has anguished resignation and this was pitiful. He was pitiful. This was every frustrating. This was not even middling fate. This was not even adequate. The 'hero' is a hypermasculine and downright aggressive. Chaos and error takes place. There is no innovation. This was forgettable. The 'hero' is unrepentant about the fights, arguments and abuse. This was meaningless and empty.


There is cultural myopia. This cannot be vilified enough. The 'hero' has wrath and men have callous disregard. The 'hero' was not wonderfully contrarian. This had no complexity or conflict. The 'hero' is emotionally distant. Zombies undermine social cohesion. There is moral arbitrariness. There is no common sense or grit. The 'hero' feels he is deprived of resepct. This purposely tries to annoy. This was awful with frevour.


Zombies have no shattering effect. The 'hero' does not nuture affection. There is disdain in the air and this was terrible, terrible. This was all trivial mendacity and downright incompetence. There is no overriding purpose to this film. It was not even a brilliant failure. There is no brilliant, everyday absurdism. The supposed threat of massing savage hordes of zombies is undercut by the pocket change budget.


The 'hero' has hauteur and is poisonous and petulant. This was not briskly effectient or earnest. The 'hero' was a curdled sad sack. There are no twisted revelations and this was not bold, mesmeric or brilliantly strange. The 'hero' has hapless stiffened small talk. There are no dread epiphanies. There is no jangling disquiet. The plot isn't even an outlandish plot premise. The lead character is insane and a thankless vituperative obscenity.


This was ludicrous and not a gritty drama. The zombie rising is not a nightmare scenario. The world has gone mad not that anyone cares. The 'hero' vehemently disagreed with others and lives a reckless, ill informed life. People die so he can live. This was laborious.


Best Lines:

“Serial killer's plots.”


“Post apocalyptic charm.”


“Hellspawn dead.”


“Evict you and your terrible hairdo.”


“The dead shall rise and turn your world asunder!”


“Plunderer.”


“Bloody hippy.”


“Hippy serial killer.”


“Can't: busy.”

“Doing WHAT?”


“Bash your way out. It's a shed. I'm sure you'll manage.”


“Some hippy chewing some bloke's arm off. Bloody vegans!”


“Need to save your women.”


“Sex slave for a heavily armed gang.”


“You are so rubbish.”


“Pervy uncle fester.”


~
I See You (2018)

Helen Hunt stars in this 'horror' that tries to be an intellectual exploration that is intelligently nuanced. A snotty teen son snots. A family lives in a mcmansion. This was David Lynch lite. A man throws a phone through a window and finds a cup on the roof. Hunt pops pills. Kids are missing. There are negligent disregard for consequences.


Dangerous and feckless people lurk. There are implications in this nonsense. Hunt gets a significant portion for blame for what is wrong in her family. There was no rationale for this. Nobody has a measure of shame. A green knife is important. One is genuinely in the dark about this. Goggle eyed people goggle. A family is alienated and they are careful of their interactions.


Decisions are looming. Hunt had an affair. This was baffling and artistically barren. This was not lucid or aesthetically pleasing. The mood darkens. Dad takes pills. This was meaningless and some creature ambles. There are devastating consequences to choices in this curiously lacking film that has no cultural impact. People have insurmountable issues.


This has no creativity, invention, energy or drive. Is a copycat killer on the loose? Hunt has had work done, bad work. This was not enticing oblique oddness. There are damning anecdotes. There are grievances and no apprehension. There is controlling harassement, iciness and insouciance. There is death and empty rhetoric. Hunt is forlorn. A teen couple hide.


There is escalation and this was vexing. There is exisitng discord and people generate conflict and this was full of stressful, damaging situations. This was fervently bad. This causes dissatisfaction. People are wary of implications. There is a home invasion with a twist. Where has Hunt's mouth gone? WTF was the ending?


Best Lines:

“Nice men here to see you.”


“Pancakes and fancy dinners.”


“You ruined your family!”


~
Jusqu'a la garde (2017)

A French drama bout child custody. A horrible man bullies his exwife and their 2 children. This bored.

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